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A Cycle of Trust by moonyredmoon

Format: One-shot
Chapters: 1
Word Count: 997

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Contains Slash (Same-Sex Pairing), Contains Spoilers

Genres: Drama, General
Characters: Lupin, Sirius
Pairings: Other Pairing

First Published: 01/11/2011
Last Chapter: 02/07/2011
Last Updated: 02/07/2011

 A short, choppy look into the life and times of Remus and Sirius, from beginning to end, from Remus's point of view. From Marauder's to present.

One-shot Remus/Sirius.

Chapter 1: I Trust You
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 “I trust you.”


I had said those words long ago. Long before the darkness spread, long before all eyes grew insane with fear, long before all backs not watched ended up in the ground. I placed my hands on his face, his beautiful, young face and spoke those words as I stared into his questioning eyes.


“I trust you.”


He had always been fast, eager, with split-second, spontaneous decisions made easily. I took time, thought through scenarios and consequences before acting. Sometimes I wished I could be more like him. At that moment, I was. I had no time to think as his lips collided with mine, and all those thoughts of the future, all the worries and concern disappeared.


“I think I can trust you too.”


And then they were gone, as quickly as they came. The pleasure of that moment, the happiness of those years together, the late nights, the dangerous expositions, gone; faded away. With as little as a blink, I may have missed it all. Though it caused me shame, disgust in myself, I yearned for his touch again.


“I trusted you.”


But I could no longer believe in what I had once known. I had to be cautious and put trust in only myself; we all did. Voldemort moved closer and closer, taking hold of those we least expected, making everyone fill with doubt. I wanted to trust him. I knew he cared about us all, about me, and that he would never betray us. I knew he had cut his family out of his life long ago, that they could not sway him in any way. I knew that he had strength of will, and would never give in.


I knew, but I could not know for certain. When Lily and James died, I realized my foolishness, my desire to grasp desperately to the past. I sent a message to him in Azkaban in the form of my Patronus, a sight I knew he would recognize, with words he wouldn’t want to hear.


“I trusted you.”


His response found me days later, a weak silvery wisp of the creature I once ran with, I once knew. It could not speak, only stare into my soul with those deep eyes of his, and then dissipate in the air before me. I wondered how long it took him to conjure that amidst the dementors, with the blackness of his heart his only companion.


For just a split second I imagined he had used a memory of ours, and I felt a tinge of warmth inside me, followed violently by grief and disgust. I forbade myself from loving the man who killed my best friends. But in that moment, I received the unspoken message, hearing it ring through my head clear as day.


“I still do.”


Time passed, and I heard of the escape. I met the son of my best friends. He would be hunted. I positioned myself in the way. Every time I saw his face, strikingly resembling his parents, I hated myself. I hated that part of me that wished he would come looking for the boy and find me instead. I hated the part that wanted to know what he would say, what he would do. I wanted to know if he would hurt me to get to Harry. I wanted to know if he still loved me.


I found him inside our shack, our place we snuck to during the late hours of the night. I learned the truth there, and hate turned to forgiveness in an instant. Hope filled me; something that had left long ago. It disappeared with the clouds. I had longed to be touched by him once more, but as he held my tense, shaking body, I only wanted him away; far away. I couldn’t hurt him. He understood.


“I trust you.”


I did hurt him, but the message thirteen years ago left a much deeper wound, he told me. Long ago, he had told me that kisses heal all scars. I healed him every day. He could not stay with me, but I followed him until he insisted I leave, for my own safety. I would have risked it for him.


“I trust you.”


Blacks are stubborn, so I respected his wishes. When we found ourselves together again, I spent the nights with my chest pressed against his warm skin, savoring his scent, the feeling of his arms around me. Secretly I stayed until my own mission pulled us apart. He grew restless, such a free and energetic spirit cooped up all day. All I could do was never enough, and we both felt the frustration build. Dumbledore would not budge.


Then the worst day of my life came and went. He left me entirely, without a prison to escape from, an enemy to outrun, or a truth to pronounce. I found myself alone. Tears fell as I remembered my own words, the ones I wanted to refuse to believe; the ones I couldn’t purge from my head.


“He’s gone.”


She came, despite my reluctance, my depression, my unwillingness to let her in. Stubbornness, apparently, was an attractive quality to me. A small light brewed in my life. I married it. A friend, I had needed, and I loved her. But I still missed him, and she could never replace what I’d lost.


In my last moments, as I cast that last spell out my wand and stared the bringer of death in the eye, I knew it was the end. Fear turned to regret, turned to remorse, turned to acceptance. I did not die alone. Death swept through me, my body turned cold, and I felt eager to finally be at peace.


At peace, with him.


Author's Note: This is my first fanfiction ever written, and the first story of any length I've ever completed. Cut me some slack? If it's vague that's on purpose, but I appreciate any relevant reviews/comments/criticism. :)