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The Sirius and Severus Cooking Show by rominachick

Format: One-shot
Chapters: 1
Word Count: 1,400

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Strong Language, Mild Violence

Genres: Fluff, General, Humor
Characters: Lupin, Snape, Sirius

First Published: 07/24/2008
Last Chapter: 08/03/2008
Last Updated: 08/03/2008


An unlikely pair star in their own wizarding cuisine show. Sirius loves the camera, and Snape, well, loves to hate Sirius. Tune in for great recipes and culinary mayhem!

Chapter 1: Lights, Camera, Action!
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A/N: Super silliness... be warned! XD


The Sirius and Severus Cooking Show

The audience applauded as the theme music piped up, cheerful and trite, in studio 7G of New Cauldron Studios. On the set, Sirius smiled brightly at the camera, alight with showmanship and loving every minute of it.

“Hello wizards, witches and squibs, and welcome to our first ever, live telecast of the Sirius and Severus Cooking Show! I’m your host, Sirius Black…” Sirius waited expectantly for Snape to add his opening lines, but the man remained deathly silent. Sirius nudged the pale, morose wizard beside him.

“Psst! You’re supposed to introduce yourself!”

Snape glared.

Buoyant Sirius was unaffected. “Okay, ladies and gentlemen, nevermind… this is my camera-shy co-host, Severus Snape-”

Professor Snape.” Snape growled. “Or sir.”

“Right, Sevvie,” Sirius grinned at the camera, “and today we’ve got a real treat for our audience! We’ll be showing you how to prepare Mead-Battered Snake on a Stick with mango-rosemary chutney dipping sauce. Perfect for an appetizer, when watching the quidditch game with your buddies, or just for a midnight snack! I’ll be preparing the snake, and Severus here will be showing you how to…”

“ …concoct the draught of living death.” Snape conjured a cauldron, and suddenly, a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning filled the studio.

Sirius looked around, clearly startled. “Okay… um… you’re supposed to be doing the chutney, Severus.”

“Whatever you say...” Snape smiled slyly.

Sirius shrugged, and then glowed at the camera. “So, the first thing you have to remember is that you need your snake to be really fresh for this kind of recipe. Angie Dewkins has a really great shop down in Diagon Alley that sells them as fresh as you’re gonna get once they’ve stopped hissing! Hey Severus!” Sirius waved the dead snake in front of Snape’s face. “Anyone you know?"

Snape merely sneered and added a vial of liquid to his cauldron.

“Anyhow, you chop off the head like so,” Sirius chopped skillfully, “and dice the body, and then you absolutely must marinade it, or it just won’t come out right. How long do you think it’ll take for this to soften up, Sevvie?”

“Twelve years in jail ought to do it.” Severus smiled.

Sirius glared at the clearly targeted insult.

“Would you pass me the rosemary?” Snape asked politely, ignoring Sirius’ abrupt manner as the herbs were thrust into his hand. Snape unexpectedly set the rosemary on fire with a quick wand-flick, and tossed it in the cauldron, resulting in a small explosion that shook the studio.

“Um… looks good Sevvie…” Sirius rolled his eyes at the camera. “Anyhow, thanks to the magic of tellyvision, we have some snake here that is already marinated… see how the SLIMINESS is gone? Its not half as GREASY as it was before. Ha, ha, git it Snape? Slimy… greasy… git it? Huh? Do you git it?” Sirious snorted and teased.

“I get it.” Snape’s reply was cool as he grabbed a handful of squealing insects and slid them surreptitiously into his cauldron.

Sirius tossed his head to mess his hair just so. “Now to assist with the Mead batter, I have a special guest joining us today. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my good friend, all-around nice guy…Remus Lupin!”

The audience burst into applause as Remus strode on-stage, waving lightly.

“Great. The halfbreed.” Snape muttered flatly. No one heard him.

“Welcome Remus!” Exclaimed Sirius, embracing his friend happily. “Thanks for coming!”

“It’s my pleasure.” Remus replied. “And hello, Severus.”

Snape did not reply, but continued to mutter incantations over his cauldron.

“… So, the reason I’ve asked you to come today is because I hear you make a pretty mean Mead-batter!” Sirius piped up.

Remus grinned, and stepped flawlessly into his role. “Well, it’s not so hard, actually. First you take the flour and you sift it with a little salt, like so. Add two eggs,” he cracked the eggs with a small flourish, “… and enough of the well-matured mead to create the right consistency for…” He stopped and looked around, lifting each empty bottle. “Hmm wait… where’s all the mead?”

“Ask Black.” Snape snipped. Sirius smiled sheepishly, and hiccupped.

Remus blinked, and then carried on. “Oh. Very well then, we shall simply nix the mead. I’ll just add a little water,” he flicked his wand to create water, and continued to stir, “until its, ah! Just right! And now I’ll dip a finger in to taste for salt-”

“Disgusting… fur in the batter... I am going to vomit…” Snape muttered loudly.

Sirius spoke quickly and loudly to try and cover up Snape’s remark. “Excellent job Remus – that batter looks perfect to me! And it looks like we’re ready to dip and fry. We’ll be heating the oil to 400 degrees and frying it all up until the batter is golden brown and the meat is fully cooked.”

“What a disappointment for you, Lupin.” Snape’s cruel eyes glittered. “I understand you prefer your meat raw…”

Remus’ eyes narrowed at Snape, and then at his cauldron. “What exactly are you making there, Severus?”

Snape replied innocently. “Mango rosemary chutney, of course…”

Remus sniffed the air and then peered into Snape’s cauldron. It did not take a genius to see that it did not contain chutney. “Umm… Sirius,” Lupin warned, “I think we have a problem here…”

Snape flicked his wand, casting a non-verbal spell at Lupin.

Sirius looked up from his frying cauldron. “I’m sorry, what’s that you were saying, Remus?”

“Meow.” Remus replied.

“Ha, ha, that’s cute!” Sirius laughed. “This Remus here is so talented, funny, and such a mild-mannered man. What lady out there wouldn’t want a guy like that, eh? Eh?”

The rowdy women in the audience whooped their approval and another, bold witch screamed ‘I LOVE YOU REMUS’!

Remus replied with a quack. Sirius stared in confusion. Remus barked.

“Um, hey everyone, let’s hear it for Remus Lupin, what a kidder this guy! Thanks for coming!” He forcibly ushered Remus offstage as Snape waved a cheerful goodbye.

It took less than a moment for Sirius to regain his composure. “So, now that our skewers are frying up nicely, let’s check on Sevvie’s progress. How’s the chutney coming along?”

“Perfect.” Replied Snape as purple smoke billowed from his cauldron.

“Really?” Puzzled Sirius, cheerfully. “But you didn’t use any of the mangoes. Didn’t the Voldie-poo ever tell you that you can’t make mango chutney without mangoes – and you call yourself a Death EATER?” Sirius doubled over, snorting and laughing at his own joke, and the audience joined in. “Ha, ha, ha, git it? Death EATER? Eater…ha, ha! Here let me put them in for you!”

Snape blocked his cauldron bodily. “No!” He gasped, and then pointed offstage. “Look! A hot, desperate Hufflepuff woman!”

“Where!?” Sirius spun around, and Snape quickly vanished the mangoes.

“Oh, bad luck!” Bemoaned Snape. “Lupin got to her first.”

Sirius snarled. “Filthy, womanizing son-of-a-”

“Your snake is on fire.”

“Oh shit!” Sirius extinguished the fire with his wand, and attempted to rescue the snake. “Well, it’s a little crispy, but… it should still be okay. Now! For the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Would you like to do the honors and taste our beautiful creation, Snivelus, my man?”

“Oh no, you go ahead dear Sirius.” Snape spooned his potion into a small bowl. “Make sure you dip it in deep. I DO so want you to get the full effect of the… chutney.”

“Okay…. hey, that’s really nice of you Severus! Cheers!” He dipped the skewer into the bowl and took a hearty bite.

Snape bowed slightly. “Well? Isn’t it simply the perfect ending to our perfect little show?”

Sirius grabbed his throat and fell to the floor with a loud thud. Snape turned and finally smiled at the camera. “Be sure to join us next week, when we’ll be cooking up stewed Griffin with leeks, and my own personal favorite, miniature diced hotdogs. Until then, bon appetit!” Snape Disapparated with a flourish, leaving the audience to enjoy the sounds of Remus backstage, who had begun to 'baa' loudly like a sheep.


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