You are viewing a story from

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Hogwarts by h_hrinluv4eva

Format: One-shot
Chapters: 1
Word Count: 1,408

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence

Genres: General, Humor, AU
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione
Pairings: Harry/Hermione

First Published: 07/10/2008
Last Chapter: 07/19/2008
Last Updated: 07/19/2008


Amazing banner by GryffindorGranger@TDA.
Harry and Hermione made a list...a list of things not to do while at Hogwarts. 

Chapter 1: The List
  [Printer Friendly Version of This Chapter]

Mr. and Mrs. Harry Potter sat on their living room couch with a small box open in front of them. Harry held a piece of parchment in his hand. Hermione read along with him. Both of them reading the list that they wrote together on the last day of term in their 7th year. "It's amazing how this list came to be," said Harry, chuckling.

"Hmm..." Hermione replied. "Do you think we should share with the kids?"


"Harry J. Potter and Hermione J. Granger Present: Top Ten Things Not to do at Hogwarts

1. I do not weigh the same as a duck, nor should I try to see if I am."

Harry and Hermione were sitting out by the lake, when suddenly, Harry was struck by an idea. He stood up and pulled off his t-shirt. "Harry Potter, what on earth are you doing?" laughed Hermione.

"I want to see something," was his reply. He rushed over to the lake and kept trying to float while sitting. However, all he would do was tip over after a couple seconds or sink down. After ten minutes, he returned to Hermione's side. She was laughing so hard, clutching her side. "Aw, damn, I do not weigh the same as a duck."

"I'm so sorry, love."

"Yeah," sighed Harry.


"2. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda, nor should I call him it."

Charms class was dull as always. Professor Flitwick was droning on and on about the spell he was teaching. He noticed that Hermione and Harry weren't paying attention. They were silently dueling at the back of the class with little light sabre pens. "Mr. Potter, Miss Granger, did you hear a word I said?" he asked in his squeaky voice.

"Of course, Yoda," replied Hermione, nodding her head slightly at him.


"Yoda, tell me," Harry said, trying not to laugh, "do you feel a disturbance in The Force?"

"I am Professor Flitwick and you both shall address me as such!"

"Yes, Yoda," both Gryffindors replied, causing the room to roar with laughter.


"3. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot."

Hermione was bored. She was sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. Suddenly, a brilliant idea hit her. She smiled and pulled off her shoes, followed by her socks. She put her shoes back on, and then put the green socks on her hands. In a high squeaky voice she said, "I am the Slytherin mascot! Go, Slytherin, go! Whoo!" People around her watched her make the two "snakes" interact with each other. When one of them mentioned Draco sneaking off to meet Blaize in a broom cubord, every table but the staff and Slytherin tables erupted with laughter.

Snape, of course, sent Hermione up to the hedmaster's office.


"4. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"."

The Trio sat in the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry and Hermione were teasing Ron. "Oh, come on, Ron," said Hermione in her bossy voice. "Of course you can use The Force."

"It's quite simple, Ron," agreed Harry. "Just concentrate. Feel the power of The Force flow through you."

"I'm sure Neville could do it. Right, Nev?" Hermione asked with a wink towards the mentioned boy.

Neville nodded and whipped out his wand. "Accio pillow!" he shouted and a seat cushion flew at him, hitting him in the face.

"See, Ron? The Force," said Harry.

"Bloody hell, guys. Why didn't you just say 'Accio'?" Ron grumbled.


"5. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here."

Hermione, Harry, and Ron hid behind a statue. Hermione couldn't repress a giggle as they hid. Two ministry officials were walking the halls with Professor McGonagall. Just a few more steps and their trap would be set off. Finally, the first official set off the trap. Buckets of chocolate syrup fell upon them...followed by feathers. The Trio fell over in a heap of laughter. McGonagall glared at them and said, "You three, my office, now. I'll be there shortly."

Laughing the whole way, the Trio went to her office. Upon her return McGonagall informed them that on any evenings ministry officials were at the school, they had to stay in Gryffindor Tower.


"6. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it."

Hermione was sitting in study hall when all of a sudden, she burst out in giggles. It slowly became louder, and lasted a long time. Everyone began staring at her. Finally, the professor stopped her and said, "Miss Granger, what, pray tell, was so amusing."

"Oh, well, you see, there was Malfoy and a spell that..." she started.

"Miss Granger, if a spell makes you giggle for that long, I highly doubt you are allowed to do it." Hermione lowered her head sadly, but began laughing again as she thought of Draco being held up by his ankle and his knickers being shown.


"7. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for"."

Harry and Hermione were sneaking through the castle late at night. Harry, being stupid, forgot the Marauder's Map. So, in a matter of speaking, they were traveling the castle blind. They were peeking around a corner, when an icy voice behind them said, "What are you two doing?"

They turned slowly to find Professor Snape staring at them. They glanced at each other quickly before Harry waved his hand in front of them and said, "These are not the droids you are looking for."


Harry waved his hand again. "These are not the droids you are looking for." Then, the two Gryffindors took off running and laughing.


"8. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix."

Hermione recieved a package from her parents one day. Surprisingly, it was some Pixie Stix. She knew most of the Gryffindors had never had Pixie Stix before. So, that night, she decided to share with them. However, it caused an extreme sugar high in the Common Room. At 2 in the morning, McGonagall burst in and yelled at them. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" she shouted.

Giggles filled the room, as everyone pointed at Hermione. She giggled slightly, shrugging, and said, "I only gave them Pixie Stix."


"9. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways."

The Trio were sneaking through the halls, even though it was broad daylight. Everyone was staring at them, even the teachers. The Trio continued slinking along the walls, with their fingers joined, but leaving their index fingers pointing out (you know, to make a gun with your hand). All the while, they hummed their own super secret spy theme song. Along the way, they bumped into McGonagall. She yelled at them for a good five minutes before banning them from doing it ever again. Their fake guns were scaring the younger students.

Sadly, the Trio returned to the Tower. The whole time, they hummed their own super sad theme song.


"10. I will not sing "We’re off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster’s office."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had pulled off another prank. It infuriated Snape (considering it consisted of pictures of him in a dress all over the castle). He found them and nearly ran over to them. "You three," he said, "Dumbledore's"

The three of them shrugged, and then linked arms (as they had decided the night previous while they were putting up the pictures). Then, the three of them started skipping off towards Dumbledore's office singing "We're off to see the wizard...the wonderful wizard of Hogwarts!"

"Stop singing!" Snape shreiked after them. "Stop skipping! Stop!


Hermione wiped away tears of laughter. Harry was still laughing. The two of them reread the list and remembered the events leading up to it. "You know," Hermione said once they calmed down, "I don't think we should give this list to the kids. It might give them ideas."

Harry laughed. "You're right, hun." Then, they hid the list somewhere they THOUGHT the kids would never find it.

a/n: ok, so it's not that great...but it's the first fic i've done like this....plz review....