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Walk Away by sunshinedreamr

Format: Song fic
Chapters: 1
Word Count: 2,646
Status: COMPLETED

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Scenes of a Sexual Nature

Genres: Angst
Characters: Hermione, Draco
Pairings: Draco/Hermione

First Published: 08/22/2007
Last Chapter: 12/01/2007
Last Updated: 12/01/2007

Summary:
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Hermione Granger has lost everything and everyone that matters most to her. With no one to turn to, she seeks solace with the most unexpected boy in a way that could be detrimental to her own survival – physically and mentally. She soon finds that her source of comfort has turned into an addictive drug, and realizes that what she really needs to do is walk away … but is she already in too deep?


Chapter 1: Walk Away
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Disclaimer: The characters belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. The song is called Walk Away, performed by Christina Aguilera. Everything else is mine. :)

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I’d lost everything. Every person who had ever cared for me, believed in me, and consoled me. For the first time in my life, I was left without a shoulder to cry on or wipe my tears away. No one was there to tell me everything would be all right. I longed to hear the words, even if it was a complete lie. And it would be. How could it not, with another piece of my heart being torn out, chewed up, and spit out every single day? Even still, I longed to hear the words. Everything will be all right, Hermione.

No. Nothing would ever be all right. I’d never realized how much a part of my life they had become. I’d always thought that if my friends had all gone, at least I’d still have myself. How wrong I was. I understand now that without my friends, I don’t exist. I simply am. They were my happiness, my strength, my shelter, my consolation – my breath.

What do you do when you know something's bad for you
But you still can't let go?


The emptiness that filled what was left of my deteriorating being seemed to be screaming from the inside out. Broken and torn, I was on the brink of causing dire harm to myself. I felt nonexistent, as if my soul had flitted from my body ages ago, and only one living piece of my own survival was hanging on by a mere thread. Despite my trying attempts, the thread refused to be severed. It would not set me free from my despair. It would not set me free from myself. Desperate and hopeless, I’d raised my own wand to my heart – my bleeding heart which would not give me one moment’s peace -- to perform what I used to think would have been the impossible for me. It was different now, though. I’d lost any reason I had for living a long time ago. I was ready to fall off the edge of the great and dangerous precipice I had been teetering on the edge of for so long. It was time to let go.

When a cool rough-skinned hand suddenly appeared from nowhere and tightened around my wrist, my weakness got the better of me and my hand involuntarily unlatched itself from my wand. I’d broken down at his feet, in what could only be described as the deepest state of surrender. My soul pleaded for him to wipe away my existence, but the words refused to leave my mouth. I hadn’t spoken in so long, my dry and unexercised throat almost felt as if it had forgotten how.

I was naive, your love was like candy
Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely


Staring down at the black cloak rippling in the cool breeze of the night, I managed to gasp a sound that came out in a very hoarse breath of air. “Harry?

“No.”

I’d of course known it wasn’t him. How could it have been? Harry was dead, along with everyone else who had consumed my world.

Ron?

“No.”

And before I could manage another name on the long list of lost lives to “the cause,” the mysterious person ordered me to stand. I stayed still where I was, on my knees before him breathing unsteadily.

“Stand up,” he demanded again, in a voice like iron. It was clear he misunderstood my intentions. The fact was – I couldn’t stand. My whole body felt so very feeble and weak. To raise a finger was so heavy a prospect it was practically gut-wrenching.

When I didn’t move, the person harshly grabbed the neck of my cloak, and dragged me upward. I felt myself being draped across his arms, my head hanging limply over the crook of his elbow, and then for a brief moment I caught a glimpse of bright platinum blonde hair against the pale light cast by the selfish and ungenerous moon that refused to let me die before my whole world was painted in the refreshing release of darkness.

And it hurts my soul cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I lost control
Cause I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need
To walk away from
Yeah...


When I came to, regretfully still alive, I found myself shivering on a very cold stone platform, drenched in my own sweat. My body shaking violently with a chill, I managed to raise my hand to mop my brow which was beaded with wetness, and hoped that maybe this was a sign that death was coming for me. A long time passed as I lied there waiting, staring at the stone domed ceiling above me. “Cruel, cruel world,” I croaked unsteadily, “Let me die.”

“Wishful thinking,” echoed a hard exasperated voice behind me. Feeling too weak to face him, I did not turn to see the keeper of the voice. There was a time when this might have startled me – when my curiosity would have got the better of me. But that was a long time ago -- practically another lifetime. “I’ve been praying for the ghost of death to take me for weeks,” he said in almost a whisper with a hint of resentment.

Suddenly, a strong light illuminated a magnificent glow behind me, casting shadows on the grey stone wall before my eyes. The flame’s shadows danced before me, taunting me. I closed my eyes to void out their jeering, and felt the penetrating light heating my face. When I opened my eyes again, a boy was kneeling beside me. I managed to turn my head in a very painful manner to face him. His face was covered in dark shadows, until finally I raised my hand and moved the fire torch he was holding in his hand to his face.

A pale-grey expressionless face stared back at me, with eyes as hard as the stone that engulfed us and narrowly sculpted features. His cheeks looked like they had been hallowed out. He had the face of a person who hadn’t seen sunlight or well nourishment in years. But there was no denying it. I was staring into the unblinking gaze of Draco Malfoy.

I need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
Get away, walk away, walk away. . .


“Well?” I asked expectantly.

He shook his head, his ashen hair caked with dirt. “What?”

“This is your chance,” my voice cracked in a whisper of desperation, “Kill me.”

The corners of his pale lips seemed to almost curl up into a sneer, but the corners didn’t quite manage a smirk worthy of Draco Malfoy. “I can’t die. What makes you think I’d give a Mudblood like you the pleasure of something I can’t have myself?”

I should have known that I was used for amusement (for amusement)
Couldn't see through the smoke, It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds, (licking my wounds)
But the venom seems deeper (deeper, deeper)
We both can seduce, but darlin' you hold me prisoner (prisoner)


Pushing for any strength I could muster, I managed to haul myself into a sitting position, although my arms wobbled feebly as if my muscles had just risen from the dead. Staring Draco straight in the eyes, I said, “What are you playing at, Malfoy? What’s your story?”

“Does it matter?” he asked vehemently, “Everyone’s dead, aren’t they?” I stared at him blankly, so he bent down low and hissed with malice into my ear, “You aren’t the only one who’s lost everything, Granger.”

I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off. “Leave it at that. I won’t question you if you grant me the same.”

Oh, I'm about to break, I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure, and I'm feindin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need


This sounded like a fair deal to me. I could have left the cave he stowed us both away in, swallowed in darkness in isolation from the pain that awaited us both outside the stone walls, but after what must have been days of silence I finally realized that in those rare slices of time and space when Draco was near me, the loneliness that evaded my being vanished. We did not speak. But as I gained my strength back, I would sit closer to him. He never pushed me away. I suspected he felt that the hole in his heart was being filled as well. And so, every day I moved closer and closer, until one day our arms brushed against one another. After feeling as if I’d been held alive by a thin break-less strand of thread for weeks, for that brief moment when our arms accidentally touched this seemed the most alive I had ever felt, as if a jolt of electricity had surged through all my nerve endings.

And it happened that there was a touch here, a brush there, and a stroke there until finally our bodies converged with one another and met in such heat that it seemed Draco Malfoy had melted into the very essence of my skin. Our bodies were entangled with one another, and to me, he was an instrument of solace. He was the voice telling me everything would be all right, when in reality, no words left his lips. He was my shoulder to cry on, when in truth, there were no gentle lips kissing away my tears. In fact, in these most intimate moments, Draco did not so much as grace me with a glance. And it became clear that my body had become his own mechanism against the emptiness that overwhelmed him. We were building up defenses against our own grief during these times rather than ‘making love.’

Oh, I can't mend this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn,
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
Yeah...


But even with the distraction that came in the name of Draco and his silent and stare-less relief, I still could not escape my own suffocating despair. Draco Malfoy had rapidly turned into a drug, making it nearly impossible for me to walk away and leave the cave. The first time our bodies merged, the passionless pleasure had temporarily healed every ache in my soul. The time after that, I needed more. I always needed more. Whereas before Draco had turned into my breath of life, I now felt I was being overpowered in this sickly sweet sensation. No matter how much of Draco my body greedily consumed, it was never enough. I was drowning in his arms, falling back into the torn state of the broken girl who had first come to him in desperation for comfort, reaching for a breath of air but never quite grasping it …

I need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
Every time I try to grasp for air
I am smothered in despair
It's never over, over, oh. . .
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare,
I let out a silent prayer. . .
Let it be over, over ooh. . .


But I still kept coming back, unable to walk away, because even if his touches and caresses and fondlings could no longer placate my mind, being wrapped up in his sickly pale and emaciated body had turned into a sort of necessity. It seemed essential to my own survival that I live out my days and nights as Draco’s captive, caught in his web as he wove himself into my body and soul.

Inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading no more (oh, ohh)
Now what to do, my heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true, each beat reminds me of you


My sense of control was lost. Now I knew I’d lost everything. Not only were my friends gone, who had been my reason for living, but now I’d lost my sense of self. Hermione Granger was dead to me. She was a girl of long past. Now all I knew were Draco’s calloused fingertips roaming my body coarsely, and my begging and pleading for more from a bruised and unhealing heart.

Oooh and It hurts my soul, cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I keep going right back to the one thing that I need


I should have seen then how addicted I had become to the drug that was Draco Malfoy. His flesh was my day and night. My hate and lust. My savior and doom. And when he was gone, I no longer knew what to do with myself. His body lied there on the cold stone floor, unmoving and lifeless, unable to give me what I needed more than anything. I cursed him as I went into convulsions of withdrawal. He’d left me alone, when he knew bloody well I could not survive without his touch. And worst of all, he left me alive.

Oh, I'm about to break, I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure, and I'm feindin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need


He’d devoured my body and dragged my soul down with it. And now, there was certainly no way out. I was bleeding from the inside out without the luxury of his heat. I no longer knew if I was dead or alive. I felt as if I were in an inexistent state in between. I knew I would never forgive Draco Malfoy for what he had done to me. He gave me the sweetest release, which in the end only turned out to be the suffering that caused my own death. And as I closed my eyes for one final time, knowing they would never see the dimly lit cave again, the tingling sensation of the shadow of an illusion of Draco’s pale hands trailing over my skin brought back that same ecstasy it had suffused inside of me the first time we had come together. And that obvious deception alone let me know the masked darkness of death had finally come to whisk me away into the release I’d been praying for. I could finally walk away.

Oh, I can't mend this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn, I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
Yeaah...
I need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
Get away, walk away, walk away. . .


THE END.

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