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10 Ways To Describe James Potter by Jellyman

Format: Short story
Chapters: 4
Word Count: 3,794
Status: Abandoned

Rating: 12+
Warnings: Mild Language

Genres: Fluff, Humor, Romance
Characters: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Lily, James, Pettigrew, OC
Pairings: James/Lily, Snape/Lily, Remus/OC, Sirius/OC

First Published: 07/14/2006
Last Chapter: 01/08/2007
Last Updated: 08/04/2007

Thanks to Fii for the wonderful banner!

Lily Evans writes lists. Here is one.

Chapter 1: Prologue: 10 Ways To Describe James Potter
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A/N: I had written this a long time ago, only now have I actually typed it up. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: How would I ever own Harry Potter? If you had half a brain you’d know I don’t.

'Love - A temporary insanity curable by marriage.'
- Ambrose Bierce

10 Ways To Describe James Potter

Lily Evans entered a small coffee shop in the heart of muggle London, feeling extremely happy. She was meeting her boyfriend of two years for the first time in three months. James Potter had been on an Auror mission in the middle of some forest in France and due to the delicacy of the situation and the isolation of his position, Lily had not spoken to James since the night before he left.

But seeing James was not the only reason for Lily's happiness. No, Lily had a surprise; and a less-than-flat stomach. She was three months pregnant with James’s child. And seeing as James was stuck in the middle a forest with Sirius black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. And she wasn’t the least bit nervous about what his reaction would be, seeing as she knew that James knew she would kick his butt if he was anything but pleased.

Lily walked over to a small secluded table in the corner of the room and sat down. The café was very pretty with small bouquets of flowers on each table, dark wooden floors and seating and each with a red plaid tablecloth. The walls were painted a dark red and decorated with small watercolors of the English countryside. A waitress approached Lily’s table and she ordered a latté and a plate of scones with jam and cream. The waitress left and Lily settled back in her seat and waited.


Four lattés, two mochas, five scones and three hours later Lily was still waiting. And instead for feeling happy she was goddamn mad. But she wasn’t going to leave. Oh, hell no! She was going to rack up a bill for the poor bastard. This thought was a comforting one and should have substantially decreased her anger but due to a great intake of caffeine and a body full of raging hormones, she was still seething.

She flagged down her waitress, who was looking extremely sympathetic.

‘Still hasn’t come?’ asked the waitress knowingly, wiping out her pen and pad.

‘How could you guess?’ Lily asked sourly.

The waitress shrugged. ‘Hunny, when you’re in the human relations business for as long as I have been, you know just what’s bothering people.’

Hmm, Lily pondered, forgetting her anger for a minute. Maybe I should become a waitress... then I could become a psychologist and become rich!

She ordered a strawberry milkshake and asked the waitress if she could borrow her pen.

‘Sure,’ said the waitress, handing the pen to Lily, before disappearing to make her milkshake.

Lily pulled a napkin out of the napkin canister and took a while to ponder the purpose of them.

Why are they here? You are just going to pull the napkin out anyway. So why have them? It would be better to put them in one of those boxes with the lifty thing. Then it is less of an effort.

Suppose life is like a napkin canister? Pointless and annoying. You are the canister and life is the napkins. They just get pulled out, used then thrown away. Then when the canister is empty you simply
put more napkins in! Then this repeats until the canister is too rusty and old to serve it’s purpose. Then it is thrown into a hole (also known as a landfill).

Therefore, to be human is to be a napkin canister.

Lily snapped out of her reverie and took a bite out of her last scone while watching a speck of dust float down it the air. She was going to write a list. In her sixth year of Hogwarts, after a particularly stressful and aggravating day of turning James down, Lily had discovered that writing lists was a good way of calming herself.

Lily pondered over what she was going to write about, all the while wondering what the world would be like to be a speck of dust.

I guess it would be interesting to be dust. Floating around all the time, each time the breeze comes, a new adventure begins...

But suppose you had misophobia or mysophobia!! A fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs!!

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?? BECAUSE YOU ARE A GERM YOURSELF! What would you do with your life? You would be afraid of everything! Even yourself!

And suppose you also had metathesiophobia as well! A fear of change!! You would be terrified of the slightest wind BECAUSE IT WOULD CHANGE YOU’RE DIRECTION IN LIFE!

*gasp* Suppose you lived in Russia! And you had russophobia!! A FEAR OF RUSSIANS!

Suddenly she was struck with her best list yet. She leant down over her napkin and wrote, being careful not to rip the tissue:

10 ways to describe James Potter

Chapter 2: Destructo Magnet
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A/N: Well, howdy! Here’s your update (sorry it took so long; I had to wait for my other stories chapter to validate, and there were some problems with that so it took longer). Please leave a review - I love them :)

Disclaimer: Well, by now I think you should realize I own nothing bar the plot. Unless, of course, you haven’t read this or you have amnesia.

‘He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.’
- Benjamin Franklin

Chapter 1: Destructo Magnet

1. Destructo Magnet

‘Come on, Evans! You know you want to…!’

‘No Potter! No, no, no, no, no! When will you take that for an answer?’

He smirked. ‘Never.’

I scowled darkly, glancing up the stairs. ‘Potter, if you do not let me get up to my dorm, I will personally make your life not worth living. Now MOVE!’ I tried to side step him but he blocked me. I tried the other side. He blocked me. Again. I pushed him. The smirk grew wider.


‘Fine,’ I said, spinning on my heel, heading towards the portrait hole for a therapeutic Library session.

Wingardium Leviosa!

The grandfather clock that sat next to the door was lifted into the air.

‘Well, I say, Mr. Potter! Put me down this instant! Really this is no way to win the lady’s affections! I said, put - !’

He lifted the charm and the clock plopped onto the floor in front of the portrait hole.

‘Why, thank you Mr. Potter, but might I suggest - !’

Silencio!’ said Black lazily from the lounge.

I felt my pockets. Damn. No wand. No matter. I could probably push it out the way. I gave it a experimental heave. Damn. It was heavier than it looked.

I spun and headed for the cushy armchair near the fireplace. Here’s the thing: when it’s Christmas at Hogwarts most people leave. Usually this is not a problem. But when you have a grandfather clock standing between you and your sanity, it would be a bonus if more people been around.

Especially when it is 11 o’clock at night and the only people left awake are you (who has left her wand on her bedside table), the person you hate most in the world (who won in a close first to Severus Snape), the person you hate most in the world’s best friend (who also happens to be your best friends boyfriend and the person you hate third most in the world), and your best friend (who is too loyal to her boyfriend that she forgets her loyalties to her best friend).

As you can see, none of these people are likely to give you a wand.

I plopped down huffily into the armchair and – inconveniently, to say the least – Potter plopped down into the one next to me.

‘So,’ he said, leaning towards me. ‘What do you say? Want to go out with me?’

I let out an exasperated shriek then, noticing the stairs were unguarded, catapulted myself out of my chair and sprinted towards the stairs.

Must. Get. To. Stairs. Must. Beat. Potter. Note to self: make Potter PAY.

Potter, the fit prat, blocked my path half-way and backed me up until my knees hit the lounge. I sprung behind it and Potter, who was at the other end, started to mirror my moves in an attempt to catch me.

‘Come on James,’ Black said, stiffing a yawn. ‘She doesn’t want to go out with you. Give it up.’

‘Mmm, James, the less you persist the more she’s going to want you,’ Aurora said sleepily, snuggling into Black who put his arm around her and planted a kiss on her forehead.

Ugh. Gross. Both things, I mean.

‘Hey!’ I said, outraged that she’d say such a thing. I was her best friend! She’d only been friends with Potter because her parents were! But all she could do was shrug.

Good Lord, the world hates me.

James and I were still dancing around the lounge. I’d step to my left and he’d step to my right. It was not going anywhere so I sprinted towards the Girl’s Dormitories. Potter, caught of guard, stumbled and knocked the side table next the lounge. An ink pot and my letter to my family had sat on the table and when he knocked the ink pot toppled and splattered all over the parchment.

Potter and I both froze as the scene unfolded before us. My jaw had sagged, I’m pretty sure, down to my knees and Potter was looking like he’d just eaten a toad.

‘My letter!’ I shrieked, coming out of my daze. I narrowed my eyes. ‘You’re DEAD, Potter!’

And he was off. He tore past Aurora and Black and blasted the clock out of the door way. I lunged towards Aurora and pulled out her wand.

‘Hey!’ she protested, reaching to grab it back.

Expelliarmus!’ I screamed, aiming for his head. But just as it was about to hit, he turned the corner and the spell flashed harmlessly into the wall with a BANG!

Oh well. He’d probably get caught by a Prefect. And get a detention. Yay!

Hm, I’m hungry. I wonder what’s for breakfast…

I sighed and bent down to inspect the letter. Not too much damage. I flopped down on the lounge next to Aurora. She and Black were looking at me like I just declared I was a figment of their imagination.

I shrugged. ‘It was only Petunia’s part.’

Chapter 3: Self Absorbed
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A/N: Okay. Sorry for the long wait... I hope you can forgive me, because I love you guys and all that jazz:) Also, it wasn’t my fault. It has been raining a lot here in Sydney, Australia, therefore... Well nothing. I don’t really have an excuse. I am just lazy. Hope you like the chapter. Enjoy!

Clarification: These are Lily's memories. Present day Lily will not appear until the epilogue. Clear?

Disclaimer: I. Own. Nothing!

"I always thought the Socceroos were sissys. But what great sissys. Go the Socceroos."
~ David Tench

Chapter 2: Self Absorbed

2. Self Absorbed


Pretty much all of this statement was incorrect. Severus Snape was not poor or little… In fact, sometimes, I was not sure he was even a boy.

Oh, God. I have been hanging around Potter way too much. I am a cruel, cruel person.

Oh well. Severus isn’t exactly what you call polite to me, so I don’t see why I have to be polite to him. Except for the fact that what Potter was doing to him was inhumane and completely wrong.

Anyway. Back to the situation at hand.

Potter glanced up, saw me, and grinned at me like I was a particularly juicy piece of lettuce (don’t ask… he has a slight obsession with leafy greens… God knows why. I hate lettuce. It makes me gag – ARGH! The distractions keep coming!)

‘Why should I, Evans?’ he asked keeping his wand on Severus. ‘Don’t you like seeing Snivelly’s underwear?’ He ended this statement with a nonchalant flick of his wand, which caused Snape to flip around, bearing a pair of faded grey underpants. The crowd that had formed around him laughed and Sirius Black was grinning twirling his wand between his fingers.

I felt heat rise to my cheeks. I had had enough. This was a blatant disregard of school rules. Not to mention basic human rights.

‘Expelliarmus!’ I shouted, my wand aimed at James.

But the brilliant bolt of green light just missed him by a hair, as he jumped out of the way just in time.


Oh well. Better luck next time.

But the point of the spell still worked, seeing as, in his shock that I would dare try and hex the almighty James Potter, James had lost concentration and Snape had fallen into a heap on the floor. And because everyone, including James side-kick, Black, were so shocked and amazed I had a violent streak, Severus had managed to crawl away unnoticed (much like a worm – OH MY GOD! I am turning into James!)

I rubbed my hands together, trying to appear laid-back, however much I was turning into Potter. ‘My work here is done,’ I said cheerily, flashing Potter my brightest smile. I started to walk away from the scene, contemplating what I was going to have for lunch.

Chicken sounded nice, but what if they –

‘Y-You tried to hex me!’ James spluttered in disbelief behind me.

I spun to face him, my hair going everywhere. ‘Yes, Potter, yes I did. Do you want me to do it again?’ Silence. ‘Good.’ I turned around again.

‘You hexed me.’

‘Yes, James, I did. I thought we established that – ’

‘To save Snape.’

‘And do you know why?’ I asked, turning slowly to face him. ‘Because I like him better than you. He doesn’t hex random people in the halls. He doesn’t think of himself as being higher than others. He doesn’t have an ego the size of Russia. He doesn’t annoy the hell out of me!'

Well. Alright. One lie out of five truths. I did like Potter a smidgeon more than Snape. Sue me.

Potter let out a strained laugh. ‘Evans, you make it sound like you fancy him!’ Black laughed at this comment.

Laugh it up boys.

My eyes narrowed. ‘Maybe I do.’

Potter didn’t have to force a laugh this time. This time it came naturally. ‘Oh really?’ he asked, his dark eyes sparkling. ‘Prove it.’

I held his gaze in a silent dare. After a moment, I raised an eyebrow. He smiled, evilly.


I followed Snape’s greasy trail, Potter and Black following curiously behind, to the wall of the castle. He looked quite shocked to see me there.

‘What do you wan - !?’ he abruptly closed his mouth as I pressed my lips to his.

Oh my Merlin, ew, ew, ew! I screwed my eyes shut in distaste; keeping in mind I was only doing this to make Potter mad.

My eyes flew open and I ripped my mouth from Snapes.

Why do I want to make James Potter mad? OH MY GOD, IT SOUNDED AS IF I WNTED TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS!!

I twisted around to look at Potter, only to find he was in limbo. Shock, rage, jealousy, hurt, depression and humiliation flashed across his face. He slowly turned away and walked up to the castle. Black stared at me for a moment before shaking his head and running to comfort his best friend.

I felt guitly. Not only had I hurt James Potter to a point where he was almost catatonic, I had also led Snape to believe I liked him.

Speaking of Snape, he was in shock also. Only a disgusted shock.

‘I’m sorry. You see, it was –’ I started awkwardly.

‘Don’t ever touch me again, Mudblood.’ Snape hissed, getting up and walking away.

I was now in shock. I had been REJECTED! BY SNAPE! SEVERUS GRAY-UNDERPANTS-WEARING SNAPE!! Anger coursed through my body as I aimed my wand.


I am a walking contradiction.

A/N: Please review :)

Chapter 4: Heartbroken
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A/N: I AM SO SORRY! SO, SO, SO, SO, SOOOO SORRY! I am SORRY it took so long!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, including the idea for the wheel (you’ll see), which came from the show, My Name Is Earl. Also, you will recognize it, but another part is from, The Notebook.

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”
- Chuck Palahniuk

Chapter 3: Heartbroken

3. Heartbroken

The window beside me showed a happy landscape with lots of little, ity bity people having fun. Where was I you might ask? I was in my dormitory, trying to finish my Transfiguration essay on why veela’s could transform. ‘That is a pathetic excuse,’ you may say.

I know.

But you see, James Potter had driven me to this. No longer would he talk to me, look at me, ask me out, annoy me, pester me, hex me, prank me or anything. You may think that’s a good thing.

I don’t. I was used to having him around. Sometimes I found it… entertaining. Wrong, yes. But true.

As I finished the last sentence, my attention was drawn to the window once more. I sighed. They all looked so happy. My eyes skimmed over the activities. A snowball war, the tempting of the Whomping Willow, feeding the Giant Squid, another snow ball war, someone throwing knives a wheel, another –


I pressed my face against the frigid glass. Good Lord, someone was on that wheel. I concentrated hard. A face popped into mind.

Oh dear, sweet mother of Jesus.


Needless to say, by the time I got there I was scared out of my wits. I squeezed my way through the crowd of students, struggling to get to James, who, of course, was on the wheel.


There was a small circle in the middle of the crowd, so I pushed and shoved my way into. My eyes soaked up the scene. James Potter, strapped to a wooden wheel that obviously span. Sirius Black, standing next to the next to the wheel, his face bright with morbid happiness. Aurora Hastings, official best friend of mine, standing next to Black, a worried look gracing her pretty features. Remus Lupin, blindfolded and holding a knife, aiming at James on the wheel. Peter Pettigrew, standing by a small table that was piled up with knives, tomatoes, sweating like a fountain.

‘Oh, Evans, what a nice surprise,’ Black commented, his eyes focused on Remus. ‘Remus, buddy, you have got to let me try that.’

‘MOONY! DO NOT LET HIM TRY THAT!’ James yelled, his eyes wide with fear as they flitted between Remus and Black.

‘Don’t worry, James,’ Remus said, calmly, continuing to aim blindly. Sirius turned the wheel. ‘Not don’t move and I… won’t… hit… you!’ and he threw the knife.

My world stopped. Everything froze as my heart clenched in fear. My blood ran cold as the knife sailed through the air. Suddenly, bam! It had wedged itself just millimeters from James’s head. The crowd gasped then clapped and applauded.

Relief rushed through me so fast I felt me knees give slightly. My head was light and I was dizzy with adrenaline.

‘James,’ I gasped, my breathing ragged as I realized I had been holding it in. ‘James, please come down, you could get yourself killed doing that!’

James looked at me, disgust written all over his face. I recoiled slightly, feeling guilty. ‘Like you’d care,’ he spat. It was the first time he’d spoken to me in a month and it was practically oozing with venom.

Do I know how to get a guy or what?

Not, of course, that I ‘wanted’ James, or anything.

‘James, as much as I don’t like you, I do not want to see you get yourself – ’ Another knife: this time less than an inch from his thigh. ‘ – KILLED, OH MY GOD! STOP THAT!’

My breathing was labored and I was clutching my face and my eyes were closed, as fear, anger and adrenaline rushed through me and it was making me faint and light-headed.

‘Or what?’ James challenged. ‘You’ll go kiss someone? Diggory, perhaps? I mean, you’ve – ’

‘I’ll go out with you!’ The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them and now I wished nothing more to take them back.

‘Lily, Lily are you sure?’ Aurora whispered, rushing to my side. It occurred to me that everyone was listing to us. Now I had no choice.

I swallowed hard and nodded, staring at James. His eyes were wide and he looked as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing… which he probably wasn’t.

‘I will go out with you,’ I repeated, ‘if you get off that wheel.’

James looked as if he was considering it. Bam! Another knife wedged itself in between his fingers. I whined softly as my eyes grew wide and I think I was on the verge of crying.

‘You know, Lily, I don’t want you to do me any favors.’ Bam! This time the knife lodged itself next to his stomach.

‘N-No, it’s o-okay!’ I said. Bam! Next to his left foot. I screamed.

‘I don’t think you want to go out with me, do you Evans? You don’t like me.’

‘No! NO! No! I want to go out with you!’

Bam! The knife jammed itself into the wood next his neck. ‘Are you sure, Evans?’ He was smiling now.

I glared. ‘I want to go out with you.’

‘Ok, ok, I’ll go out with you. No need to be so pushy.’

I hate you, James Potter.

A/N: Please, leave a review on what you thought about the chapter :)