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Breaking the habit by girlwhoisinlove

Format: Short story
Chapters: 4
Word Count: 4,658
Status: COMPLETED

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Strong Violence, Substance Use or Abuse, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, General, Romance
Characters: Hermione, Draco
Pairings: Draco/Hermione

First Published: 05/19/2006
Last Chapter: 10/17/2006
Last Updated: 07/29/2007

Summary:

This is going to be a four chapter story about Draco's struggle with his father and his love for Hermione. All the songs belong to Linkin' Park.


Chapter 1: Somwhere i belong
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Author's note
The lyrics are from the song “Somewhere I belong” From Linkin’ Park




When this began
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

<Draco's POV>

“Now that I’m Head Boy and she is Head Girl I can see her everyday because we share living quarters, but this only makes things worse, the only thing I do when I see her is insult her, I know I’m hurting her with every word I say, I know I make her hate me even more with everything I do...and I’m sorry for it...if only I could tell this to her, if only I could tell her how bad I feel every time I have to call her some horrible terrible name... but what can I do... it's not  my choice after all... I didn’t have a say in what my future will be like, I was just a child when everything was decided for me, I was confused, I couldn’t understand the difference between bad and good because I was raised to believe that what people believe is good was bad, I wish I could prove that I’m not like that, that I’m not like my father... it hurts me so much when I see her beautiful chocolate eyes filled with tears and I can’t even wipe them away from her cheeks, it hurts that I can't even comfort her and tell her it's gonna be alright...it's like an invisible wound that bleeds everytime I see her... but she’ll never know, I am only allowed to feel coldness, pain and hatred...I guess I’ll forever be hollow on the inside, just like a tree eaten from the inside...dead even though it seems ok at first glance... who knows maybe I'm destined is to serve the Dark Lord and maybe it's my fate  to live my life on my own  because no one can love me, and in a way it’s my fault too...

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
Erase all the pain till it’s gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

<Draco's POV>

"My greatest dream since I was a little boy was  to be loved...I’ve never felt what it's like, I’ve been deprived even from the love of my own mother, seeing as she has always been a zombie, being under one of my father’s spells... I thought I would never be able to love, but it happened, I fell in love with the most beautiful most intelligent witch there ever was ...and she hates me, I wish I could just forget all about my father and the Dark Lord and live at least one day of my life without feeling any pain, feeling free happy and loved… all those things that I've never felt... I wish I could have a place I’d feel like home a place where I am welcome, a place where I belong… but as long as the Dark Lord exists and my father is alive I never will."

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

<Draco's POV>
"I wish I could stand up to my father, but every time I see him I just can’t say a word...I used to look up to my father when I was a kid, he described himself in such a way I came to believe he was a God, but when I grew up I fell on the hard stone floor of reality, it was all a lot different than I had imagined it but it was too late to back out and I fell deeper and deeper in all my pretending, now everyone hates me, all I am for them is just heartless cold and rude, if only I could stand up to my father… but then again, what do I have to lose? Is it worth living if you don't have a goal in life, and is it worth dieing not having said what you think... I guess not, it’s my fault I became this way, I have to stop whining and start doing something."


I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today


I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
somewhere I belong

<Draco's POV>
If I want to find my place and let out the true me I have to fight, my pain will never go away if I don’t do something about it. 

It’s Christmas Holidays now...oh how I hate this holiday, maybe I wouldn’t If I had an actual family to spend it with, besides, I have to go back to the mansion on Christmas, I wish I didn't have to  go back there, I hate that place, but then again maybe I could use it as an opportunity, I could at last tell my father everything I have to tell him, I may not come back alive after that, that’s why I have to let her know how I feel ” 

<GeneralPOV>

So he got a pen and a piece of paper and wrote everything he wanted to tell her for so long ,apologized for all he did to her these past years and for the first time in years he let it all out. He folded the letter gently and placed it under her pillow in her room, then he packed his bags and flew to the Mansion.

Author's note
Please leave a review telling me what you think about it, I will be very grateful if you do


Chapter 2: Breaking the Habit
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He got to the mansion and entered through the front door it was as gloomy as ever, he sent his bags to his room and climbed the stairs to his father’s study, he knocked, after receiving no answer he slowly opened the door, he saw his father who was very concentrated over a piece of parchment,.

"Good evening, Father" he said startling Lucius 

"Draco, what did I tell you about bothering me when I’m in my study! Get out this instant!"

"But father, I think we should have a discussion concerning my future, Draco said trying to keep his voice as calm as possible."

"You shouldn’t think about your future, Draco we’ve been over it a thousand times already, your future is set, you will become the youngest Death Eater there has ever been and there by fulfill your dream."

"No father, I will fulfill your dream that way, not mine" he said in barely audible tone.

"What was that son; you dare face me, your father."

"No father."

"Now go to your room!"

He made no movement.

"I said go to your room you good for nothing piece of scum!" Saying this Lucius took his wand and threw Draco right into his room.

Memories consume
like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
you all assume
I'm safe here in my room
unless I try to start again


Draco sat silently on the floor of his room, like he did so many times before .

“Why, why can’t I stand to my father, why do I keep putting up with his heartlessness, he never was a real father to me anyway, he always made me feel different he always banged into my head that I’m more powerfull than the others and he never showed me love and the best solution for everything was for me to go to my room, he always thought that if I wen to my room and didn’t bother him any longer then “poof” and the problem disappears, he was always a coward, always running away from problems instead of solving them”


Flashback1
When he was five:

"Daddy, can I have an ice-cream like the others?"
"No Draco you can not, you don’t eat ice- cream, you are too old for that now, and do not call me “daddy” that is not appropriate for a Malfoy, you have to address to me as father or sir, is that clear?"

"But all the other kids…"

"You are not like the others Draco, you are special, more powerful better than anyone, now is that clear?

"Yes father, yes it is…"


Flashback2
When he was seven:

"What is the meaning of this Draco, how could you associate yourself with someone so low!?"

"But father, Danny isn’t low, we have fun together, he’s teaching me new games and…"

"Fun together!? New games?! Draco he is a mudblood, a disgrace for the human race, and you spend your precious time playing games with him when you could learn new spells?!"

Flashback3
He was eleven and back from first year:

"Father I met a very smart girl in school, and she’s very cute, she’s from Gryffindoor and…"
"WHAT! Did I hear you say Gryffindoor, never again speak of them, they are all mudbloods and unworthy to be wizards, is that clear Draco?"

"Yeas father"


I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused


No, I’m not like my father, I’m not a coward, but why am I so afraid then? 

I know I have to fight him, but what’s the use, everytime I do that I just get thrown into my room, he’ll never listen to me anyway, why do I have to fight?

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight


I don’t see any reason for standing up, The only reason that would be good enough is Hermione, but she doesn’t return my feelings so I have nothing to live for. There’s no use to struggle anymore, I don’t have anything anymore, I’m sick of feeling so left out, I tired of having to lie to everyone and to always agree with my dad, I don’t know how all this mess happened but I know one thing for sure, I’m tired of fighting, I’m giving up, I can’t take it anymore.

Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again


I’ve found my way out, yeah it’s the easy way out but do I have any other plausible options, no I guess I don’t, this is the only way, I’m going to lock the door and then perform the killing curse on myself, yes that’s what I’ll do, no one’ll miss me anyway.


I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused



I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends


Yeah, that’s my final decision, I don’t want to be stuck in battles anymore, I want to get some rest… Let everyone know I killed myself if I do it I’ll never have to fight or to stand up to anybody, I’m going to be free... but I still have doubts, what if there’s another way?


A/N So, what do you think, please review and let me know.

Love, Girwhoisinlove



Chapter 3: Numb
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NUMB


‘There’s still one more way left, I can still fight, just this time, I have to, just this one thing and then I don’t care what happens next, I have nothing to lose. Here, I’m going to face my father, this time, for real.’


Thinking this Draco stood up and went to the door, with a sigh he opened it and went in to the black corridor, every step he took sounded like and explosion in the silence of the house, his heart was pounding hard in his chest, he got to the door of his father’s study and slowly opened the door.

“What are you doing here when I told you to stay in your room!” Lucius said standing up from his chair and raising his wand, preparing to throw Draco again.

“Not this time father” he spat the last word with disgust  "you’re not running away from this problem" saying this he also drew his wand and as he was faster than his father he was the first one to shoot a spell at him, ropes came out from his wand grabbing Lucius’s arms and feet and pushing him into the nearest wall.

“Now you listen to me Draco.”

“This time it is you who is going to listen.”

“Draco! What is the meaning of this!”

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)


“I’ll tell you what is the meaning of this, I’m just sick and tired of doing what you tell me to, I’m tired of being different, I don’t want to live up to your expectations anymore, whatever I do, it’s always wrong to you, I never deserve a praise, I never do anything good enough!”


“Draco, you don’t know what you are saying!”

“Oh yes I do, and you know what, I never wanted to be a death eater, I never wanted to be on the dark side, I never chose all that, and I never chose you as a father either!”

“Why this is preposterous! This was your dream as you are now eighteen and an adult you shall become a Death Eater!”

“NO! It was your dream, you wanted me to be what you never were, the best, you wanted to brag that your son is the youngest Death Eater, I never cared about that crap, I never cared about your stupid lord, I just want to live, I just want to feel!” Draco said desperate to make his father understand him.



I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you


“and what have you done till now, slept?” Luscius retorted his voice dripping with sarcasm.


“Very funny! I never lived, I was just a shadow, your exact replica, I was never me. You, you made me feel different, always told me that I’m not allowed to play that I have to learn more spells, I didn’t even have a childhood thanks to you.”

“That was long ago, it is foolish to search the past now.”

“No, it’s not foolish, all you did was put your problems in the past, never solving them always locking them up far away so you would never have to remember them, what do you know, they’re just too much for me, I can’t take it any more, I just blew up!”

Lucius said in a calm tone:

“Well I can see that, it’s normal, you’re a teenager, though I would’ve liked you to pass this period without any incidents, now calm down and let me go, I’m sure it will all be fine …”

“Here you go again, no, it won’t be fine! How can you even say that!”


Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take


“You should return back to reality father, you know you’re afraid that any minute now you can loose the control over me, you know what, you already have, all your dreams of what I would become are nothing but dust now! You’ll never make me become like you, I’m tired of wasting my life on all this crap!”


“Draco this is the last straw, stop it immediately, you know you’ll regret everything after that.”

“No, I won’t, I'm free of regrets now and you know what more? I’m in love with Hermione Granger.”
This left Lucius speechless.
“You mean that ugly disgusting, mudblood from your school?” He asked mockingly

This angered Draco more than all the other words put together; he approached his father and pointed his wand right at his father’s neck.

“Don’t. You. Dare. Call her that, she is the most beautiful and the smartest witch.”

“Whatever you say Draco, but you don’t know what you’re getting yourself in to, do you think the outside world will ever accept you?! “


And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you


I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be





“I don’t know if they will, but it’s worth a try, of course I can screw up, but like I said it’s worth a try.”


“And what are you planning to do with me, kill me?”

“No, I’m not a murderer, besides, who knows maybe even you once felt the same way I do, I’m going to let you live if you’ll leave me alone.”

“Fine, I will.” Luscius said hastily.

Draco took his wand away and the ropes disappeared, he turned to leave but as he did Lucius pointed his wand at him and shouted a spell, Draco fell to the floor, he wasn’t breathing ...nor moving.

Lucius sneered.
“Ha, you stupid boy, how could you dare defy me, now you got what you deserved” he approached Draco and leaned over him smirking looking at his son, he didn’t feel anything, no pity, no remorse, he just felt happy, a creepy kind of happy, he felt happy for killing his own son.

As he was preparing to stand up he thought he saw Draco move, and he did, he grabbed his wand and before Lucius could even say a word Draco shouted ”Avada Kedavra” and Lucius fell limp to the ground.

“Yeah, I guess you never felt the way I do.”
With this, he stood up and left the dark study.







Chapter 4: My December
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My December




This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone



Draco was walking down the lonely streets of London, he left the mansion, he couldn’t bare stay there, it was too much for him, he didn’t have to worry about being arrested or something because the ministry wanted Lucius out of the way long ago, so now he was all alone, his mother had ran away from his father a few years ago and no one knew where she was, so he was walking alone on the empty streets of London
It was snowing. It was Christmas. Everyone was in their homes with their families preparing for the Christmas dinner.


“ Here, I managed to pull trough, but what for, now it’s just me, me alone, the mansion is colder than ever, even the Christmas holidays can’t make it warmer, everything is so clear and simple now, I’m free, I should be happy, but I’m not, cause something’s missing.”


And i
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed
And i
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And i
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed
And i



” I know precisely what is missing and I just wish it didn’t feel this way, I would go right to her and tell her everything, but well she must’ve already read my letter, probably tore it to pieces by now, if I only could turn back time, I would never say all those things to hurt her, I’d take everything back, I just wish I didn’t feel like there was something I missed”

And I
give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to


”I’m left with a lot of money now, but why would I need it, I simply loath it, I’d give everything, absolutely everything up just to have a place to come home, a place where I could be welcome where people would be kind and generous, with happy faces in Christmas eve, I wish I could have a place to go”

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need



“Yeah this is my December, the one when I’ve stood up to my father, does it make any difference.

This is me, pretending I have something to live for; these are all my dreams covered in snow, that I know will never be fulfilled. I just wish I could celebrate Christmas with happy, loving faces surrounding me and with a turkey on the table; this is all I need to be happy. Who knows, maybe father was right after all, the world will never accept someone like me, I hate to admit it but it seems to be this way.


And i
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed
And i
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And i
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed
And i
Take back all the things I said to you
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to



He just walked alone on the empty streets of London, there was no one around, except… he thought he saw someone, yes there definitely was someone a little further down the street, and she was looking at him, he thought she seemed familiar, he went a little closer and she did too as his heart skipped a beat, it was her, she was here, but why?

They were standing inches from each other, she looked in to his eyes and uttered a quiet
"Hi"

"Hi" he responded and looked down.

"I r-read y-your letter" she stuttered.

"Oh", was his reply.

"Draco, look at me" she insisted.

He was surprised, but looked at her nonetheless.

"I heard... what you did… I mean in the mansion…"

"So the news already spread out huh?." it wasn't a question, more like a statement

"Why did you do it?"

"Because he was a coldhearted bastard." he answered coldly

"But he was your father."she said almost pleadingly

"He never was a real father to me....besides he tried to kill me."

She sighed and looked down. Suddenly he took her by the hand surprising her.

"Hermione, I’m not a murderer."

She looked at him and put a hand on his.

"I know you’re not Draco, you’re a hero."

"Why, because i killed my father?"

"No, because you stood up to him, not everyone could have done that.'

He smiled unsurely, she did too.

"Come with me for the Christmas dinner, all my relative are readying the house."

His face light up but a line of concern appeared on it.

"Won’t they be against me staying there, well you know…"

"Don’t worry; they’ll only be happy that there are more people, besides I haven’t told them anything about you."

"Oh."

"Come on, lets go then."

"Wait, Hermione, ummm… I … I love you."that's not how he meant it to sound it just slipped out.

She looked back at him and grinned, put her hands around his neck and whispered in to his year.

"I love you too Draco."

He couldn’t believe his years, he was radiating with happiness, he took her by the waist and spun her around grinning like a fool, he put her down and looked into her chocolate eyes before capturing her lips in a sweet kiss.

He spent the Christmas night surrounded by warm welcoming faces and phrases like” Draco dear, would you like some more potatoes” or “Draco, would you like some more cake”
He ate so much cake that night he thought he’d be sick, he felt like the happiest person in the world ,but most importantly he spent the night with the person he loved most.

Author's Note
Here I'm done now...the ending was fluffy but I think Draco deserved that:)

Love Girwhoisinlove



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