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Pretend by padme_alejandra

Format: One-shot
Chapters: 1
Word Count: 1,705
Status: COMPLETED

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, Romance, Angst
Characters: Lupin, Lily, James, OC
Pairings: James/Lily, James/OC, Remus/OC

First Published: 04/30/2006
Last Chapter: 10/11/2006
Last Updated: 10/11/2006

Summary:
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Everything became a big pretend, like when I was little and I played silly little games with big ideas. I made myself believe it was there. That perhaps if I played long enough and pretended hard enough something I couldn’t touch was tangible. My pretend could become real. Maybe it wouldn’t be so much make-believe anymore. A story of a girl so much infatuated with James she blocks out anyone who cares to help her.


Chapter 1: Chapter One
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Disclaimer: Lily and James don’t belong to me, just the (albeit nameless) main character. Harry Potter doesn’t belong to me, either. Also the quote under the title is from Peter Pan, which I found fit this fic perfectly.


Pretend
You say so, but I think it’s your biggest pretend.


I glanced up at him from my seat, tucked between my two best friends in the Gryffindor Common Room.

It was utterly heart wrenching just watching him.

Everything about him defined perfection and bliss in my eyes. His consistently disheveled, untidy jet black hair and startling hazel orbs enchanted me. His lean and taunt body from vigorous Quidditch, however desirable, was nothing in comparison to his crooked smile. He was enough to make any girl go weak at the knees.

He glanced up at me from showering Lily with kisses and caught my glance. Grinning he winked friendlily at me. I smiled weakly in response before he returned to Lily with one of his infamous crooked smiles.

His smile wasn’t meant for me, yet I savoured it. The way the corners of his lips turned up slightly and that twinkle that seemed irrevocably defined in his eyes made my heart pump faster. But his smile wasn’t smiled for me.

His comfort wasn’t meant for me, still I imagined myself nestled lazily in the crook of his arm like Lily was. Maybe my head would be on his shoulder. But his comfort wasn’t meant for me either.

His body wasn’t meant for me, still every time I felt his touch it felt like he was burning holes in me. Just his presence heightened my senses and caught my throat. But his body didn’t feel what I felt for him.

He wasn’t meant for me. Only for her. He only had eyes for her.

You’d think I’d learn after a while, but I kept letting him break my heart over and over again. James Potter was one of my best mates and a heartbreaker, but my love for him never wavered. He used me to get to Lily, one of my good friends, and I’d let him. He used to flirt shamelessly with me in the corridors to try to get Lily jealous. She didn’t care. She was too smart for that. I flirted anyway.

Remus was the only one I ever told. I don’t know why, everything just seemed so much easier with him. Maybe because he was one of the only people I could trust in the world, or possibly because he always seemed to understand me. But probably because I hoped that he’d tell me James felt the same.

Except James didn’t love me, he loved Lily.

I found it so hard to remain civil with her because he loved her. My heart trembled every time he’d look at her the way I dreamt he’d look at me. Secretly dividing myself from Lily, I felt so dirty but I couldn’t let my best friends break my heart. I thought if I’d just let go of her everything would be so much easier when the inescapable occurred. It’d be so hard to face her with him everyday, especially when I could barely imagine him with some girl I didn’t even know. I was wrong, like I usually was in areas concerning Lily. She wouldn’t let me go, so I stayed with her with my body. My mind however was elsewhere. It had always been elsewhere.

Elsewhere? On James; always on James.

I wonder what it would be like if he kissed me.

But Lily, one of my best and truest mates. She loves him too.

It hurt.

It hurt so much.

It hurt when I watched him plant those slow, soft kisses on her undeserving lips.
It hurt as I observed the way he’d tilt his head slightly when studying her, like he used to with me.

It hurt not feeling worthy enough for him.

And, most of all, it hurt not being able to feel it anymore.

Sometimes when I was alone I’d cry to myself. Remus would always be there for me. So I guess I wasn’t so alone.

Eventually I began to detach myself from the world, again, but this time from everyone. Lily tried to ground me, but it didn’t work that time. She couldn’t understand me, only Remus could. He was the one who was able to bring me back to my senses.

Remus saved me. He was always saving me. Even when he needed to be saved more then I ever did.

Every moment without a thought of James seemed a waste to me. Remus thought I was delirious; I told him I was deliriously in love. He didn’t understand though. He couldn’t. He never felt what I felt. No one had ever affected them, swept them away, and consumed every moment of their time like he did.

Only James wasn’t meant for me.

Remus tried to tell me that, but I never heeded him. I clung to every aspect of James’ beautiful face, in hope he’d come around. Maybe deep in my heart I knew the inevitable, but I was too stubborn to believe it. Everything became a big pretend, like when I was little and I played silly little games with big ideas. I made myself believe it was there. That perhaps if I played long enough and pretended hard enough something I couldn’t touch would be tangible. My pretend could become real. Maybe it wouldn’t be so much make-believe anymore.

I should have grown out of those silly little girl theories years ago. I’m nineteen now, everything has changed.

And, still, nothing was different.

I was still that little girl pretending so hard to make it real.

But it never was.

It never could be.

He wasn’t meant for me. Only for her. He only had eyes for her.

I remember once when I thought of running away. I couldn’t stand being at Hogwarts with Lily dating James. I told Remus. He stopped me.

Another time, I remember when I thought my life was useless, that without James it amounted to nothing. I told myself I was worthless and I decided to take my life. I told Remus. He stopped me.

I remember once when I felt on the verge of insanity. I needed to escape. I needed someone to love me. I told Remus. He didn’t stop me. Instead he told me he loved me.

Except then I was too infatuated with James to say I loved him back.

I always did love Remus.

But it’s too late now.

I’m always too late.

Remus saved me. He was always saving me. Even when he needed to be saved more then I ever did.

I almost told James once, when he starting ignoring me and our friendship. It was after he’d won Lily over. James had known me, confided in me, and flirted with me since first year. And somehow our friendship didn’t mean so much to him anymore. It nearly killed me. At least before we had been friends; it had eased my pain considerably.

After he started shuffling me off to the side I broke. I told him how much he hurt me. I almost told him I loved him, but my love for both him and Lily prevented it. I hated Lily so much for being the only one for James. But I loved her so much all the same.

So I didn’t say anything. I never did. The pain is smaller now.

My sad eyes watched Lily and James fleetingly. It was then when I came to a startling realization that perhaps wasn’t so striking. James was one of those boys everyone fell in love with but only a few truly loved. Me and Lily were one of those few. I’d always love him, but he was one of those boys who made you realize what you have and what you had. He made you understand the difference between love and lust.

I stopped pretending then.

“Remus,” I said, shifting myself back to the present. He looked up at me from my right. His eyes were tired with life giving him the appearance of someone aged beyond their years. Numerous bags under his eyes reminded me last night had been a full moon.

His gaze was normal; there was nothing different about the incandescent light in his eyes. But the feelings inspired by his look were different then before.

But maybe it wasn’t different; maybe I just interpreted it differently.

Whichever the case, I felt a flush creep its way up my neck. Cocking an eye, Remus’ expression seemed to urge me on. Not impatient, but kind. Full of love, truth, reality and best of all, hope. Something I hadn’t felt in a long while.

Something real instead of something I had created for myself.

Loving James wasn’t make-believe, nor was the hope he’d feel the same for me. What was pretend was what I ignored in Remus.

Remus saved me. He was always saving me. Even when he needed to be saved more then I ever did.

I told him I loved him right then in front of everyone, including James. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would. I felt lighter somehow. And when Remus told me he loved me back, all thoughts of James had been banished from my mind. Well, most of them anyway. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget how I felt for him. After all, forgetting isn’t something you do; it’s something that happens to you.

*

Me and Remus aren’t dating anymore. He’s tucked away, with James and all those other boys who stole my heart. Except the difference is Remus and James gave my heart, all of it, back to me.

They’re special boys, they are.

I’ll never let one like them go again, not ever.

If there’s one thing I learned it’s to not run away from love. It’s possibly the best and worst feeling to ever overcome your senses. You’ll probably get hurt, but where’s the fun in an instant fairy tale? Love isn’t an obstacle to overcome, it’s a battle to be fought.

And I fought it valiantly.


A/N: Reviews are loved :)


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