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Planet Gazing: Looking at Uranus by Drunk Elves

Format: Novella
Chapters: 5
Word Count: 6,113
Status: WIP

Rating: 12+
Warnings: Mild Language, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature

Genres: Romance, Humor, Fluff
Characters: James, Lily, OC, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Snape, Lucius, Peter Pettigrew
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 01/16/2006
Last Chapter: 03/23/2006
Last Updated: 03/23/2006

Summary:
CUTE! HUGE!
A weird, random, disturbing LJ fic. It all starts with a simple slip of the tongue. Will rumours, embarrassing situations and one extremely inexperienced matchmaker make two worst enemies change their minds about each other?


Chapter 1: Hitler and the Swamp Monster
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Planet Gazing – Looking at Uranus
By the Drunk Elves


Dobby: We’re just playing with an idea here…
Winky: We’re not abiding strictly to canon…
Dobby: Cause Lily and James are enemies and are in fifth year…
Winky: Just to make it more interesting, so…
Dobby: Read and review!

Disclaimer:

Winky: We is not owning Mr. Harry Potter sir…
Dobby: We works for sir!

Chapter One – Hitler and the Swamp Monster

---------Lily’s POV----------

Laughter.

Loud laughter.

Green. Green. Green

All over.

Green hair. Green skin. Green eyes – well, they were green before, but still. She looked like a bloody swamp monster!!

“POTTER!!!!” screamed Lily. “YOU TURNED ME FREAKING GREEN ALL OVER!!!! TELL ME THE COUNTER-CURSE NOW!!”

The boy in question yelled right back. “I WILL WHEN YOU TAKE OFF THIS BLOODY SPELL!! I LOOK LIKE A DEMENTIFIED MERLIN OR SOMETHING!!” He pointed to the Hitler-like moustache and hairstyle he was wearing.

All of the students who were Muggle-borns or took Muggle Studies burst out laughing.

Lily permitted herself a smirk. “That’s a Hitler moustache, Einstein!”

“Stop calling me names I don’t understand!!” he whined.

Lily laughed. “That’s the whole point, Potter.” Then she remembered that she was mad at him for turning her green. “Oh yeah…POTTER, WHY THE HELL DID YOU TURN ME GREEN??? EVEN MY FINGERNAILS ARE GREEN!!!!”

It was James Potter’s – or Hitler’s – turn to laugh. “I thought it would be nice to immortalize your best feature.”

‘Best feature?’ Lily mentally asked herself. She voiced her question out loud. “Best feature?” She raised one eyebrow.

For a split second, James seemed flustered, then his cocky grin was back in place. “Yes, Evans, best feature. We all have them. Some more than others.” Lily, seeing where this was leading, rolled her eyes.

“Personally, I reckon my best feature is either my gorgeously well-toned body, my adorable hair or it could even be my extremely cute butt-”

Lily looked heavenward and sighed in exasperation. “Potter, you have an ego the size of your butt!”

James smirked. “Is my ego cute?”

Lily rolled her eyes and said wearily, “No, Potter, it’s not cute!”

James pouted. “Is it hot then?”

Lily smirked and said in her best ‘fangirl’ voice, “Oh, of course it is, Jamesie! I love your butt! I love you!” Potter grinned at this, but she laughed sarcastically and went on, “Sorry to break it to you, Potter, but your butt is not hot!”

James’ face fell; he’d probably never had a girl not fall at his feet and gush about how gorgeous he was. He said in a slightly disgruntled voice, “Then what is it?”

‘Um…huge.’ Out loud Lily decided to say the same; after all, it was only Potter. It wasn’t like she cared whether or not she offended him. “Um…cu- I mean, huge,” Lily said quickly to cover up her slip.

However, it was too late. James Potter smirked.

---------James’ POV---------

James Potter laughed. He laughed because that was what he did when he was happy.

He laughed because that was what he did when he pulled a prank on an enemy.

And nothing made James Potter laugh more than a prank pulled on his worst enemy, the Liliana Aimee Evans.

“POTTER!!!!” screamed the aforementioned Liliana Aimee Evans. “YOU TURNED ME FREAKING GREEN ALL OVER!!!! TELL ME THE COUNTER-CURSE NOW!!”

Now James thought that was just plain hypocritical of her. He had only retaliated for her giving him a stupid toothbrush moustache that wouldn’t come off no matter what he tried and also a stupid hairstyle to go with it. Granted, she might have done it to retaliate for the time he had put beetles in her soup…but that was besides the point!

So James yelled right back at her, “I WILL WHEN YOU TAKE OFF THIS BLOODY SPELL!! I LOOK LIKE A DEMENTIFIED MERLIN OR SOMETHING!!” He pointed to the idiotic hair and moustache she had conjured up on him.

Many students burst out laughing. They were most certainly on something. Nobody laughed at him, the James Potter! Well, except for a certain redhead by the name of Lily Evans.

Evans smirked. “That’s a Hitler moustache, Einstein!”

‘Huh? Who the hell is Hitler? And who’s Einstein?’ “Stop calling me names I don’t understand!!” James said, thoroughly peeved that he couldn’t even make a witty comeback as he didn’t even know what he was being called.

However, the insufferable Evans just laughed at him. Laughed. At him. James POTTER! “That’s the whole point, Potter.” Then, as if remembering something, she continued, “Oh yeah…POTTER, WHY THE HELL DID YOU TURN ME GREEN??? EVEN MY FINGERNAILS ARE GREEN!!!!”

It was James’ turn to laugh. “I thought it would be nice to immortalize your best feature.”

“Best feature?” There was a ripple of ‘oooh’s around the general vicinity and some whispering among the students watching the spectacle. Evans raised an eyebrow.

‘Why the hell did I say that?’ thought James feeling flustered. ‘Now everyone’s gonna think I FANCY Evans or something!’ An uncomfortable heat was rising up his neck and his ears were burning, but James ignored it.

“Yes, Evans, best feature. We all have them. Some more than others.” Lily rolled her eyes and James felt the blush in his neck and ears subsiding.

‘Hmm…where to begin? I have so many best features it’s hard to choose just one…’ “Personally, I reckon my best feature is either my gorgeously well-toned body, my adorable hair or it could even be my extremely cute butt-”

Lily looked to the ceiling and sighed; she probably liked him and had just realized it. Though he didn’t fancy her – at all – he had to admit – though grudgingly – that she was quite a looker. “Potter, you have an ego the size of your butt!”

James smirked. “Is my ego cute?”

Lily rolled her eyes and said wearily, “No, Potter, it’s not cute!”

James pouted. “Is it hot then?” ‘Come on…if not cute it has to be hot! Right?’

Lily smirked and said in a dreamy, high voice, “Oh, of course it is, Jamesie! I love your butt! I love you!” He grinned. ‘I knew it! I knew she fancied me and couldn’t resist my butt and my hair and-’

Then she laughed sarcastically and said, “Sorry to break it to you, Potter, but your butt is not hot!”

James’ face fell, then he perked up; he wouldn’t have gone out with Evans anyway, he hated her too much for that. Though James had to admit, it was quite a blow to have a pretty girl not fall and his feet and worship the ground he walked on.

He felt distinctly annoyed, though he wasn’t exactly sure why. It wasn’t as if he fancied Evans, so her rejecting him was not as hard as it could have been. ‘Anyway,’ James wondered, ‘what else could my butt be if not cute or hot?’ “Then what is it?”

Lily didn’t seem to even have to think before giving her answer. “Um…cu- I mean, huge,” she finished hastily. James noticed her cheeks turning a yellowish brown. (A/N: When you mix green and red, you get a yellowish brown.)

However, it was too late for Evans. James Potter smirked.

-----



Chapter 2: CUTE! HUGE!!
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Chapter Two – CUTE! HUGE!





Hospital Wing Injury Record

13th February, 1974


Student: Potter, James
Injury: Broken nose
Cause: Was hit with a copy of ‘Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms’

Student: Evans, Lily
Injury: Strained bicep
Cause: Threw heavy object (suspected to be a copy of ‘Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms’)

Student: Black, Sirius
Injury: No visible signs of injury but complains of a busted gut
Cause: Laughter




“You said cute!”

“I did not, I said huge!”

“You were going to say cute!”

“I was not, I only coughed!”

“You said cute!”

“I said huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“How long has this been going on?” asked a weary and resigned Remus.

“Dunno,” replied Tia – also known as Hestia Jones – Lily’s best friend. “I lost count fifty zillion yells ago.”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Ha!” declared a triumphant James Potter, pointing at Lily. “See, you even admitted it!”

“I DID NOT!!!” screamed the irate redhead. “YOU JUST PLAYED A STUPID MIND GAME ON ME, I SAID YOUR BUTT WAS HUGE!!!!”

“YOU DID NOT!!! YOU SAID IT WAS CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIVES AND STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER EVERY FREAKING MINUTE OF THE DAY????”

Both Lily and James were dumbstruck. Calm, cool, collected Remus never lost his temper. They were both shocked into silence.

“Thank you,” said Remus sarcastically.

“What were they even arguing about anyway?” asked Tia, taking in the blissful silence.

A disgruntled Sirius who did not find the situation as amusing after four – or five, he had lost count – hours of yelling, said, “I dunno, I got lost three hours ago.”

“Wait a second, Evans,” said James, feeling confused. “What were we arguing about?”

Lily, whose memory was not affected at all by the hours of yelling, said promptly to the others, “We were arguing about James’ butt and how I said it was cu- I mean, huge! Yeah, huge. Not cute. Not cute at all, whatsoever.” She was babbling by the end of her speech.

“Aha!” James was jumping up and down on one of the chairs in the common room. “I knew it! You do think my butt is cute!! The first time might have been a genuine mistake, but the second time was intended!!”

Lily rolled her eyes, despite feeling a growing panic. Why had she made the same slip of the tongue twice? She didn’t fancy Potter or anything…did she? No, she decided firmly, she could never fancy Potter; he was too arrogant and thought far too much of his gorgeous body and adorably messy hair and-

She had to stop thinking like this! Slip of the tongue, she reminded herself, it was only a slip of the tongue. Now go ahead and tell him so!

Feeling slightly more confident, Lily said patiently with the air of explaining that one plus one equals two to an overemotional toddler, “It was a slip of the tongue, Potter. My head thought one thing and my mouth said another. It’s quite common.”

For a moment, James seemed foxed, but then he said, “Slips of the tongue say what your subconscious is really thinking, Evans. So in this case, you subconsciously are completely and totally in love with me and think my butt is cute!”

Lily rolled her eyes and made a scathing comment. James fired another one back and soon-

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“Five Galleons on them killing each other in a week,” said Sirius gloomily.

“I’ll bet on that,” said Tia, watching them yelling back and forth.

“IT IS CUTE, EVANS, END OF STORY!!!”

“NO, IT’S NOT; YOUR FANGIRLS MAY THINK SO, BUT TAKE IT FROM AN HONEST OPINION, YOUR BUTT IS HUGE, POTTER!!!”

“Make it ten Galleons on a day, Tia,” Sirius said, amending the bet.

Tia nodded, her eyes moving back and forth from Lily to James as if she were watching a tennis rally.

“SILENCIO!!” Lily screamed, finally losing her patience.

The silencing charm acted immediately, and James mouthed the word ‘cute’ soundlessly.

When he realized nobody could hear him, he touched his butt and mouthed something along the lines of: ‘it so is cute, Evans, and you know it’.

Lily got an evil grin on her face and decided to have some fun with James’ predicament.

“Oh, what’s that, Potter? Yes, I know your butt is huge!”

Sirius and Tia roared with laughter and even Remus’ mouth was twitching dangerously.

James’ ears blazed and he held his butt and mouthed furiously, ‘I said it was cute, Evans!!’

“Whatever, Potter. You can feel yourself up all you want, but I’m gonna go to bed.”

And with that, Lily walked up the staircase to the girls’ dorms, the appreciative whoops and cheers from Sirius and Tia still ringing in her ears.

-----

A disgruntled James Potter whacked Sirius across the head.

“What?” asked the traitorous dog in question. When James mouthed something and mimed pointing a wand to his throat, Sirius finally understood and took off the Silencing Charm.

“Why the hell were you laughing at me, Padfoot?” asked James crossly. “You sided with Evans! The Enemy, remember?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and said, “She got you good, Prongs. Besides, it was funny, you gotta admit that.”

James grunted and shrugged.

-----
Dobby: Well… what can I say?
Winky: Except… CUTE!
Dobby: HUGE!
Winky: CUTE!
Dobby: HUGE!

-----


Chapter 3: Going Back A Long Way
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Dobby: You may have realized that we split chapter two because it was so long.
Winky: It is now in … I think, three chapters?
Dobby: Three? Yup, three. That’s right. Hope you guys are glad we reposted this.
Winky: We were actually debating whether or not to.
Dobby: It was getting kind of random, but…
Winky: The coin flipped on the right side, so…
Dobby: Here!

Chapter Three – Going Back a Long Way

That night, he stayed awake for a long time staring at the canopy of his bed.

Why had he fought so long and hard with Evans about her almost saying his butt was cute? It repulsed him to think of her having thoughts like that about him…right?

Much as he hated to admit it, he realized that her comments probably made him insecure about his looks and personality both. Other girls gushed about how gorgeous and witty and funny he was; yet she pointed out all of his shortcomings.

The enmity between him and Liliana Aimee Evans had started back a long, long time ago: five years back.

-----

James Harry Potter was very excited and at the same time very, very nervous. For today was to be his first day starting at the school for witches and wizards, Hogwarts.

His parents had so many great expectations of him and to be honest, he wasn’t sure he could live up to all of them.

They expected him to be in Gryffindor, excel in classes and his father also wanted him to get on the Quidditch team for his house. James himself just wanted to get through school okay and have as much fun as he could.

Now he was on the train to Hogwarts, waving at his parents: his mother was wiping her eyes with a handkerchief and smiling, his father was grinning proudly and waving.

James felt a sadness deep inside of him dim some of his excitement. He would not see his parents again until the next summer because they were both Aurors and very busy. He couldn’t even visit them during the Christmas and Easter holidays, because they were always on the move and fighting Dark wizards.

He knew their job was very dangerous, but he couldn’t be more proud of his parents and the cause they were fighting for. He would gladly go without seeing them for a year if their duty to wizardkind prevented it from being so.

The train rounded the bend and they disappeared from view. James sighed sadly and started to walk around, looking for a compartment to sit in for the long journey ahead.

He walked into a compartment with a pale boy with light brown hair and a small girl with dark red hair that fell in soft waves over her shoulders and hazel eyes.

They both looked up at his entrance, and James realized he had made a mistake; the girl’s eyes were not hazel, but a pure, vivid green.

Coming back to earth, James grinned nervously at them and said, “Hello, I’m James Potter. Can I sit here?”

The pale boy grinned, but the girl had an odd expression on her face. “You’re a first year, right?” she asked.

James felt a sinking in the pit of his stomach. Had he walked into a compartment of second years? He felt really, really stupid; now they would think he was…hang on!

James looked at the book the girl was holding. It was a copy of ‘The Standard Book of Spells, Grade One’.

James made some quick calculations: would he pass for a fourth year?…probably not…he was tall enough to be a third year, though…

He said with a wicked grin, “Oh no, of course not, I’m in third year! Can you squirts skedaddle? I’d like to sit here.”

The girl with red hair looked defiant and opened her mouth to say something angry when both boys burst out laughing. The pale boy had of course noticed that James did not have any house logo on his robes; therefore he must not have been Sorted yet.

“Oh, ha ha, very funny,” said the redhead sarcastically, looking disgruntled.

“Remus Lupin,” said the pale boy, shaking hands with James.

James grinned at him, then held out his hand to the redhead, who hesitated before taking it grudgingly. “Lily Evans.”

“Nice to meet you, Red,” said James cheerfully.

Lily Evans looked a bit annoyed, but seemed used to such comments about her vivid red hair. She sat down and resumed reading her book.

The hours slipped by, Lily reading and occasionally throwing disapproving looks at James for no apparent reason. James didn’t notice; he was too busy talking to Remus.

Remus, it turned out, had no father; he had been killed by the infamous werewolf, Fenrir Greyback. Remus’ face had darkened at the name and a sad, faraway look came onto his face.

James’ grin faded and he said quietly, “I’m sorry.”

Remus shrugged it off, saying it was not James’ fault. He added that his mother was often ill, and he might have to leave Hogwarts now and again to look after her. James nodded seriously, and then the conversation turned to lighter topics.

Just then, the lunch cart lady came in. “Anything off the trolley, dears?” she asked cheerfully.

James and Remus took out their money at once. Both were starving. Lily didn’t glance up from her book; she had not noticed the arrival of food.

“Lily,” called James. “The lunch trolley’s here!”

She didn’t say anything or indeed, even look up.

“Lily!” he said a little louder. Still no response.

“OI, EVANS!” he yelled, finally losing his patience. He chucked a cauldron cake at her just to make sure he had her full attention.

She gave him a death-glare and took out her money and ordered Liquorice Wands, Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, Chocolate Frogs and practically everything else there was there.

For a while, there was silence in the compartment as they devoured their food ravenously. Lily finished first and was now trying the Every Flavour Beans.

She was trying each flavour and sorting them into piles. Afterwards, she started on the Chocolate Frogs and Liquorice. She offered them both some: Remus accepted, but James was full.

After lunch, Lily went back to reading. It took only a short while for ‘full’ James’ stomach to start rumbling loudly.

Lily looked up. “D’you want the rest of these Every Flavour Beans?” she asked, smiling at him for the first time. Her eyes were sparkling like she was laughing or something.

James swallowed and tore his eyes away from her face. “Sure,” he said hoarsely, taking the bag and muttering his thanks. The tips of his ears burned. What had just happened?

Remus and Lily both seemed to be trying not to laugh. James looked thoughtfully out of the window and put a green bean in his mouth. He immediately choked: the bean was sprout flavoured!

He swallowed it with difficulty and searched for a safe one. He took out a golden brown bean and popped it into his mouth. However, instead of toffee, it turned out to be earwax.

In this manner, he tried several beans: rotten egg, bitter gourd, spinach, liver, tripe and red chilli. That was when he came to the conclusion that something was up.

He looked suspiciously at Lily who could not contain her laughter any longer. She and Remus both rolled in their seats laughing hysterically.

“Hysterical. Yeah, real mature, Evans,” said James angrily, then downed a whole bottle of water in one. He knew it was a funny prank and all, but his throat, which still burned from the red chilli, said otherwise.

They both bickered non-stop until the journey was over.

-----

Winky: We love Lily and James!
Dobby: Nuff said.

-----


Chapter 4: I Hate Your Hair!!
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Winky: Last instalment of what used to be chapter two, folks!
Dobby: I just noticed that the chapter title is kind of contradicting the story.
Winky: Who cares? It sounds good!

-----

Chapter Four – I Hate Your Hair!

“Firs’ years this way, firs’ years over here!” called a booming voice, and they saw a giant man with a wild tangled black beard holding a huge lantern.

The three of them stumbled over to the giant. Lots of other first years had crowded around him and after he saw all of them there, he led them to a great lake.

They all gasped. The castle was magnificent, rising far above anything else. James had heard his parents describe it, but nothing they had said did justice to this enormous structure.

“No more’n four to a boat,” called the giant, who they came to know was called Hagrid. He himself took an entire boat.

James and Remus got into a boat with a good-looking dark-haired boy. Much to James’ displeasure, Lily joined them because all the other boats were full. He still hadn’t forgotten the Every Flavour Bean Incident.

Lily stuck out her tongue at him and talked to Remus and the dark-haired boy who was called Sirius Black.

Infuriated by her ignoring him, James snuck up behind her, then pushed her in the lake. She screamed as she fell in, making a huge splash. After a few seconds, she surfaced, gasping for breath and red with rage.

But as James offered his hand to help her up, laughing, she grabbed it and pulled him in as well. Remus and Sirius roared with laughter as a disgruntled and thoroughly soaked James emerged. Even Lily was laughing, despite the fact that she was in a similar predicament.

Something slimy and wet propelled them both back into the boat and they saw a large dark shape submerging back into the lake.

If James had been prepared to forgive Lily for the Every (Nasty) Flavour Beans Incident, or she to forgive him about the cake thrown at her head, they sure weren’t now.

“Look what you did now, Evans,” he whined, squeezing water out of his robes.

“What I did?” she shot back angrily, trying in vain to dry herself with a handkerchief. “If I recall correctly, it was you who pushed me in the lake, Potter!”

“Yeah, but you were the one who gave me those horrible beans!!”

“Yes, but that was only because you chucked a cauldron cake at my head!!”

“You weren’t listening to me!!!”

“I was reading a book, you idiot, of course I wasn’t listening!!”

“I am not an idiot, you were the one who thought I was a third year!!”

“Yes, but that was only because you said so and because you’re so tall!!”

“I am not so tall- wait, I am, aren’t I? Thanks, Evans!”

“That was not a compliment, it’s unnatural to be so tall when you’re eleven years old!!”

“Well, you’re pretty short for eleven years old, don’t you think? And it’s rude to comment on other people’s appearances, Lilykins.”

“Don’t call me Lilykins, and look who’s talking!! You were the one who called me Red!!”

“’Cause you have red hair, duh!!”

“Oh, what? And that’s not commenting on people’s appearances? If you can comment on my hair, then maybe I should call you Mop!!”

“You know what? I’m really sorry…NOT. Calling you Red is a compliment but calling me Mop is not!!”

“Yeah yeah, sure, how exactly is Red a compliment? I always get teased for having red hair!!!”

“Yeah, well I happen to like red hair: your hair is beautiful, so when I call you Red, take it as a compliment and don’t blow it out of proportion!!”

“You hypocrite!! What if I like messy hair, huh? Then my calling you Mop would be a compliment!!!”

“Well, you obviously don’t like my messy hair!! So Mop is not a compliment!!”

“How would you know if I liked your messy hair or not? I never said I didn’t like it, now did I?”

“Well, how would you know if I liked your red hair or not? Huh?”

“’Cause you just said so, dorkbrain!!”

“Damn, I forgot! Hey, I definitely know that dorkbrain isn’t a compliment!!”

“What is this – a new commandment? Thou shalt only compliment James Potter? It’s a free country, Potter!!”

“Free enough for me to say that you’re the weirdest girl I’ve ever met?”

“No!!”

“Why not?”

“Because if you called me weird, then I would be free to say that you’re the weirdest boy I’ve ever met!”

“Thank you, because I, unlike you, am open-minded, I will take that as a compliment!”

“I am too open-minded!! I’m open-minded enough to like your messy hair, aren’t I? You’re the one who’s close-minded!!”

“Hey, I said I loved your red hair, so how does that make me close-minded?”

“Um, because you were just saying that to prove a point, and it wasn’t sincere!!”

“Hey, it was too sincere, I’ve always liked red hair and I like your red hair too!!! How do I know that you’re being sincere when you said you like my hair, huh?”

“Because I am being sincere!! Couldn’t you tell from the way I said it? Or are you too much of an idiot to process that?”

“Bit rich coming from you!”

“What is that supposed to mean? Are you calling me an idiot?”

“Um…I would’ve thought that was obvious by now. Someone’s a bit slow…”

“I am not slow, I decided from the moment I saw you that your obvious disdain for me was going to be completely mutual!!”

“Oh, was it that obvious? I was really trying to hide it!!”

“Oh, you’re impossible!!”

“Actually, I must be possible, since I’m right here. If I was impossible, I wouldn’t be here!!”

“Geez, Potter, it’s ‘if I were impossible’, not ‘if I was impossible’!! Get your grammar right!”

“Ha, you couldn’t find a proper reply to that one, so you turned to criticising my grammar!!! Admit it!!!”

“No, I just thought I should correct your atrocious grammatical error!!”

“Oh, suddenly you’re so proper!! I bet dorkbrain isn’t even in the dictionary!!”

“Dorkbrain is an insult!! Of course it wouldn’t be in the dictionary, it’s slang!!”

“Gasp!! You admitted dorkbrain was an insult!! Therefore, you were commenting about the appearance of my brain in a negative way and in conclusion, I would like to say that you are very rude.”

“Yes, and saying that I’m rude is the most flattering compliment I’ve ever received!!”

“Whoa, you must not have gotten many compliments then.”

“I was being sarcastic, you twit!!”

“So was I!! Couldn’t you tell? My mouth always twitches when I’m being sarcastic!! Or didn’t you notice that?”

“Oh yeah, I am so going to spend all of my time watching you and interpreting each and every one of your absurd mannerisms because I love you. Yeah right, Potter!! How was I supposed to know that your mouth twitches when you’re sarcastic? I’ve only just met you!!”

“Ha, I knew it!! You love me, you love me, you love me!!!”

“Stop doing that stupid victory dance, Midget in glasses!! Did it ever occur to you, O Master of Sarcasm, that I was being sarcastic, perhaps?”

“I am not a Midget!! I’m five foot five, how is that Midget-y?”

“That was sarcasm too, Jamesie.”

“If you can call me Jamesie, then I can call you Lilykins!!”

“No way!!”

“Then you can’t call me Jamesie!!”

“I can and will, Jamesie!!”

“How exactly is that fair, Lilykins?”

“Life’s not fair, Jamesie!!”

“Evans, this is sickening. How about I call you Evans and you call me Potter? Okay? Happy?”

“I am not striking a deal on what I’m going to call you. I can call you whatever I want to, Potter!”

“Ha, you agreed to the deal by calling me Potter, Evans!!”

“Fine, then I’ll call you Jamesie, Jamesie!!”

“Fine, I’ll call you Obelisk then!!”

“How am I an Obelisk? I’m only four foot nine!!”

“Think back to our sarcasm chat, my dear Lily.”

“Oh…right…hey, don’t call me your dear Lily!! It’s Lily or Evans or Lily Evans to you!!”

“I thought it was a free country, my dear Lily. I can call you whatever I want to call you!”

“Does this mean I can call you a git?”

“No, because that would be an untrue statement.”

“Well, how can you call me your dear Lily? How is that true? I’m not going out with you or anything!!”

“Well, why don’t you, Lily dearest?”

“Potter, take your arm away from my waist, and stop puckering up your lips!!”

“Geez, Lily dearest, I was just joking!!”

“Well, do you see me laughing?”

“No, but that’s because you don’t have a sense of humour!!”

“Maybe your sense of humour is so twisted that the rest of us can’t see what’s so funny!!”

“Whoa, is it that twisted for you to be going out with me, my dear Lily?”

“Um…yes, considering that you need someone your equal and I am clearly much more than your equal!!”

“So I need to have red hair to be equal to you?”

“What I actually meant was that you need to have a brain!!”

“I do have a brain, thank you very much!!”

“You know, it’s remarkable how it’s pea-sized…I suppose it swelled after surgery or something!!”

“I don’t know about me having surgery, but you need some – a personality transplant!!”

They both sat as far from each other as they could in the cramped boat, arms crossed and huffy noises issuing from both of them.

Remus and Sirius, who had been watching this heated exchange with growing amusement, went back to their conversation as if nothing had happened. Good thing they didn’t pay much attention to it. Because it was going to happen a lot more over the next five years.

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Chapter 5: V-Day (Does Anyone Ever Notice How Much V-Day Sounds Like D-Day?)
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Winky: Chapter Five, anyone?
Dobby: -----eats oranges----- Mmmm…these are good!
Winky: -----gasp----- Those are MY oranges!!
Dobby: -----runs for his life----- Oranges to those who review!!

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Chapter Five – V-Day (Does Anyone Ever Notice How Much V-Day Sounds Like D-Day?)

Lily walked down to the Great Hall for breakfast the next morning, back to normal. Madam Pomfrey had cured her strained bicep as well as her swamp-monsterness. She had cured James as well. Damn it.

When Lily walked into the Great Hall, a great deal of noise from the Slytherin table drew her attention. Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape seemed to be telling an extremely funny story that involved something about someone’s butt.

Malfoy charmed himself so that he had red hair, and Snape gave himself a messy hairstyle and glasses. The newly redheaded Malfoy fluttered his eyelashes at Snape’s butt. The Slytherins around them laughed loudly and a few looked at her as she entered and laughed louder.

Lily automatically looked over at James who was stuffing his face with all the food he could reach and pretending not to notice what was going on at the other side of the Great Hall. Only the tips of his ears gave him away.

Sirius seemed to be practically wetting his pants laughing and Peter was laughing because Sirius was laughing. Remus was trying to be loyal to James and not laugh, but his face kept twitching as if he were about to smile.

The worst thing about the Great Hall was that the Slytherins were closest to the Entrance Hall and that the Gryffindors were at the other end. It meant that Lily had to walk past the whole of Slytherin house to get to the Gryffindor table. Wonderful.

Walking as quickly as she could and keeping her gaze firmly in front of her, Lily walked past the Slytherin table holding her head high.

She could hear a lot of wolf-whistles from the Slytherin sidelines, but she ignored them.

“Potter and Evans, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

Lily forced herself not to look at the Slytherins at any cost. It would not do to react; that would only make them worse.

She walked resolutely to the Gryffindor table and made a beeline for a certain messy-haired Marauder.

“This is all your fault!” Lily hissed, glaring at James. “Now everyone thinks we fancy each other or something!”

“Hey, if you hadn’t made that – ahem – ‘slip of the tongue’, then none of this would’ve happened!!”

“Well, you didn’t have to harp on about it!! Besides, how did everyone in the whole school know about it anyway?”

Remus interrupted, “You two were yelling so loud; I’m sure there was someone in Africa who didn’t hear you, though, don’t worry.”

Sirius was still laughing at how awful Malfoy looked with red hair, when he happened to look towards the teachers’ table. He laughed harder still. Peter noticed what was behind the teachers’ table as well.

“Um, James,” Peter said, nervously tapping him on the shoulder, “I think you’d better look over there…”

Lily screamed when she saw it.

James went pale.

“Oh…my…God.”

Lily grabbed James by his tie and dragged him out of the Great Hall.

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“What was that??”

“Gee, dim as you are, Potter, I thought you would’ve realized what that was.”

“No, that’s not what I meant- Oh man, not the teachers too!!”

“Yes, the teachers too, and you’d better believe it. I have pinched myself numerous times and am going to have a permanent bruise on my arm. Rest assured, Potter, this is unfortunately not a nightmare, it is reality.”

“How can you be so calm about this?” exploded James, pacing furiously. He banged his head on the wall. Repeatedly. This was not good.

“I have realized that in this situation, panicking and causing myself injury will not help in the least.” Lily gave James a meaningful look and he obediently stopped banging his head on the wall.

“Let us assess the situation, shall we?” Lily continued.

James nodded mutely, still too shocked by what he had seen to speak.

“In the Great Hall, behind the teachers’ table was an animated banner-”

James cringed, not wanting to remember.

“-an animated banner that was pink in colour-”

James screwed his eyes shut; he did not want to hear this.

“-that said, ‘Congratulations to Lily Evans and James Potter, the cutest couple at Hogwarts! Happy Valentine’s Day!-”

James knelt on the floor and clutched his head, groaning.

“-and then the writing disappeared and a picture of me and you appeared! I was looking adoringly at you and you were doing the same-”

By now, James was curled up on the floor sucking his thumb.

“-but I know for a fact that in that picture, I was looking at a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. So someone has magically edited that photo. And now everyone thinks we’re going out!!” Lily finished, forgetting her theory of self-injury not helping the situation and trying to pull her hair out.

James got up from the floor because Lily kicked him, but he was still sucking his thumb. He needed all the comfort he could get. Everyone in the whole school thought he was going out with Liliana Aimee Evans. This couldn’t get any worse.

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It got worse.

Two people came through the doors of the Great Hall. They happened to be Emily and Charlotte, Lily’s two best friends.

Emily and Charlotte were sisters, moreover, they were identical twins: both had long dark hair and big brown eyes and cute little noses and light freckles.

“Lily,” said Emily, beaming at her friend. “We saw the news in the Great Hall-”

“-and we wanted to say congratulations!” finished Charlotte excitedly.

Lily personally found it a little freaky when the twins finished each others’ sentences. They called it ‘twin synchronisation’.

“It’s about time,” continued Emily, still grinning her head off.

“We all saw it coming for a long time,” said Charlotte earnestly. “Congratulations to you too, James!”

And with that, the twins flounced off, looking very, very excited.

“Great,” muttered Lily. “Just great. Even my best friends think I’m-”

“Going out with me,” finished James gloomily. “Wait a minute- what did they mean when they said ‘we all saw it coming for a long time’?”

Lily wondered how much Emily and Charlotte’s parents would miss them once she had killed the traitorous twins.

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