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Wait, say that again? by CrystalClear

Format: Short story
Chapters: 4
Word Count: 7,101
Status: WIP

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature

Genres: Fluff, Humor, Romance
Characters: Lupin, McGonagall, Sirius, Lily, James, Pettigrew
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 12/13/2005
Last Chapter: 01/01/2007
Last Updated: 04/06/2007

Summary:
Banner:Drunk Elves. SHE FAINTED! I, James Potter, made the one and only strikingly-beautiful, I-hate-you-so-much-Potter-you-make-me-gag Lily Evans faint. Of course, she might have fainted because one of Peeves’ walking sticks hit her in the back of the head at the same moment. But still...SHE FAINTED! The typical, yet not-so-typical story of Lily and James' love...with a bit of pointless humor on the side. Written as James' journal (often stolen by Sirius).

Image


Chapter 1: Damn you, ye window through which cold air wafts!!!!
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Wait, say that again?
A humorous (and slightly pointless) Lily and James story

By CrystalClear



Written as a gift for the insane and for not-quite-insane who like to take part in pointless, random, stupid hilarity




Chapter 1: Damn you, ye window through which cold air wafts!



Hello, my name is James Potter.

Damn it, I thought that perhaps this was one of those journals that wrote back to you.

Hm, I’ve always wanted one of those. But I guess that this journal is not one of them.

God, that sucks.

It really does.

Hm, maybe I could cast a spell on this so that it could write back to me.

But then everyone would probably say that I was having full conversations with myself.

That might not go over too well with the whole got-to-keep-your-image-up talk Padfoot gave me the other day.

Stupid Padfoot, thinks he knows everything.

That’s ‘cause I do.

Get out of here Padfoot, this is my journal-that-doesn’t-talk-back!

Hello, my name is James Potter and I am a stupid git who...

THAT WAS NOT ME! NO PRIVACY! I’m serious...

No you’re not! I AM!

Shut up, Padfoot. That joke is as old as the underwear you’re...

HEY! I take offense to that!

Well, I take offense to you writing in my journal!

It’s not your journal!

Is too!

Is not!

Is too!

Is not!

Too!

Not!

Too!

Not!

Well, then who’s is it?

...

Exactly, you don’t know!

Admit it, you don’t know!

Ah, this is classic! Sirius Black doesn’t...

Alright, alright, I don’t know, damn it! But I do know that it is not yours, and you are invading the privacy of some poor unsuspecting innocent...

Aw, shut up, Padfoot. Since when do you care about others’ privacy.

...

Exactly. Besides, ever heard of finders keepers?

Well, whatever. But that still does not explain why you’re writing bloody nonsense in it.

I AM NOT...!!!

Hm, interesting. It seems that this closet has a rather low roof. Prongs just tried to stand up, and hit his head, and is now sprawled out across my legs.

Damn, he’s heavy.

Huh.

I wonder where I am. I was just exploring a new secret passageway when, thump, I started falling through the darkness toward my impending doom...

Impending...hm, good word.

I feel smart.

That scares me.

Okay, let’s start over.

I fell down.

There we go, very Sirius.

Well, anyway, yeah I landed here on top of James.

You know, he squeals like a girl if you hit him in the right place.

*snorts*

Where did he get this stupid journal anyway? And why was he alone in this dark closet?

Wait, what if he was in here with a girl...and she’s still in here, hiding in the depths of the closet.

I think I hear something.

Sweet.

False alarm, it’s just a rat. Hm, I wonder if it’s Peter...

Hello, are you Peter?

...

He didn’t answer me. Maybe ‘cause I’m writing to myself in this stupid journal instead of speaking out loud.

Wow, I am such a loser.

Well, would you look at that. Padfoot’s waking up.

Uh-oh, he does not look happy. He’s got that all-too-familiar I’m-going-to-kill-you-because-my-head-feels-like-it’s-about-to-burst-in-two even- though-my-pain-is-entirely-my-fault look on his face.

I’d better run.

Wait, uh-oh. I’m stuck in a closet.

This is not good.

Hey, gerroff me, ouch...can’t breathe!


Oh. My. God. Padfoot does not know the meaning of privacy. He just wasted a precious page of my journal! A WHOLE PAGE OF MY JOURNAL! TALKING ABOUT RATS AND ME SQUEAKING! I DO NOT SQUEAK! MICE SQUEAK! GIRLS SQUEAK! BUT I DO NOT SQUEAK!

Just wanted to get that clear.

My head hurts right now. A lot.

...

...

I just spend the last ten seconds glaring at Padfoot.

Now he’s laughing at me.

Typical.

There’s a spider crawling across my leg, which I can’t feel by the way because James is still laying on it and has this if-you-even-think-about-touching-me-I-might-have-to-cause-you-bodily-harm expression on his face which I find quite alarming.

It’s rather hairy.

The spider, that is, not James’ face.

Although you know he hasn’t shaved in a few days and he’s beginning to show some stubble. He looks quite good...

Whoa, Sirius! Bad boy! Now we can’t have you thinking that!


Wow, now you really are talking to yourself Padfoot. Whole conversations. I’m quite worried.

Ew, Padfoot just smashed the spider. The minute it conveniently climbed onto my leg, he struck. Now I’ve got spider guts all over my pant leg.

These are my favorite pair of pants too!

Padfoot is going to pay.

Oh, no! No, wait, no! Damn you, ye window through which cold air wafts! Hehe. I’ve always wanted to use that word.

Waft.

Wafts.

Wafted.

Wafting.

Waft-able.

Wait, is that last one a word?

Hm...

Wait, why is there a window in a closet? I am in a closet, right? What if I’m not in a closet? Then where am I?

I’m so confused.

Urgh. Typical Hogwarts. Hoggy Woggy Hogwarts. Tee hee.

What the hell, James?!?! You’ve finally lost it; you’re off your rocker!

Rocker? Where? Ooh, d’you know what I need right now, mate?

One of those spinny chairs, so I could go round and round and round and round and round and round and round....

Sorry, had to steal the quill from James before he used up the whole journal filling it with a whole BUNCH OF NOTHING!!!

And “ye”! YE! Who says “ye”? Seriously.

And before you come up with some snappy comeback, Prongs, NO PUN INTENDED!

But, I mean, “ye”? You sound like Shakespeare!

Who?

...

...

Ummmmm, yeah. I dunno, some crazy old muggle gent Moony was going on about one day...

Saying that you sounded like him made me feel smart.


Do not kid yourself, Padfoot.

And as for Moony, I’ve learned to tune him out.

What a second, this is MY private journal! You’re not supposed to be reading this, much less WRITING in it! Begone with you!

You make me sound like a dog.

You are one.

...

Wow, kinda dug a hole for myself with that one.

That you did.

...

Hey I thought I told you to GO AWAY!

That you did.

HEY NOW YOU’RE MIMICKING ME! And you’re still HERE!

And exactly where am I supposed to go? WE’RE STUCK IN A CLOSET! A FREAKING, OVERLY CRAMPED, BLOODY TINY, PITCH-BLACK CLOSET!!!

Oh.

Good point.

Well then just shut up, I was about to tell the story of how I ended up in this god-forsaken place...

*dripping with sarcasm, which James conveniently ignores* Oh, pray, do tell, that sounds utterly fascinating.

Okay, then, as I was saying, I had been tracking Lily’s friends for an hour when I finally...

You know, that is very creepy stalker-ish. Really. An hour? Don’t you have anything…

Hey, it’s very rude to steal MY journal at all, much less steal it IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SENTENCE!

Uh-huh.

Whatever.


*sigh*

I will never get through to him.

Well, anyway, as I already stated, I was following…

You’re rambling.

YOU DID IT AGAIN!!!

Huh?

STOLE MY JOURNAL IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SENTENCE!!!

You know, it’s really quite funny how you write down your angry statements, then yell them at me anyways.

I mean, come on, what’s the point.

Shouldn’t you just pick one or the…


Oh, shut up…

You know technically I’m not talking; I’m writing. I’m not crazy enough to write down my remark then say it as…

Anyways, as I have been trying to say for the past TEN MINUTES, Lily finally joined them, so I stepped out of the shadows and…

Wait, it’s midday, so this encounter happened in the morning. There are no shadows in the morning!

Oh my God, mate, it’s just for dramatic effect. You are so dense sometimes.

Oh.

But that doesn’t make any sense.


Sure it does. Just, see, when God was deciding how much brains to give to you, he got distracted and forgot to give them to you in the…

Prongs, if your huge butt wasn’t pinning me to the floor I’d so pummel you right now.

Seriously, you are being a downright PRICK.

And don’t you dare MAKE THAT PUN AGAIN!


Hey, I wasn’t gonna. Well, anyway, BACK TO MY VERY IMPORTANT STORY!

*snorts*

*glares*





*sighs* Why do my evil eyes have no effect?

That’s ‘cause I know you’d never hurt me my bestest buddy in the whole wide…

Okay, stop right there!

Too much mushy-ness.

Moving on.

So, anyways, Lily joined her friends…

FINALLY! You know it took you fifteen minutes to get to that conc…

BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T STOP STEALING MY JOURNAL!!!

Tsk, tsk Prongs, you shouldn’t always try to lay the blame on someone else.

I give up.

Cool! Can I have the journal!

No.

Oh.

*sulks*


So, anyways, as Lily joined her friends, I stepped out from my corner-which-was-not-covered-by-shadows and got down on one knee (as any real gentleman should) and held out to her the most pure and beautiful red rose that there ever was or will ever be and said…

“I hope you find this humble gif worthy of your beauty, although it is only a rose, and therefore only half as precious and perfect as any Lily.”

Wow, that definitely sounded a lot better than it looks written down.

Just take my word for it, it sounded very clever at the time.

So, okay, don’t read it. Say it aloud in a low, sexy voice just like mine, and you…

Padfoot, stop laughing…

Padfoot, stop…

He’s rolling on the floor.

God, I need to find myself some new friends.

So…

Have you read it aloud yet?

Now it totally works, right?

Of course it does.

Well, as I was saying, as I was so humbly disgracing my dignity by touching the knees of my newest trousers (which are now covered in spider guts, thanks to Padfoot’s newfound spider-squashing tendencies) to the Hogwarts floor (and we all know how clean it is), Lily did the strangest thing, the last thing I can tell you that I ever expected.

She fainted.

I, James Potter, made the one and only strikingly-beautiful, I-hate-you-so-much-Potter-you-make-me-gag Lily Evans faint.

And down she went, falling gracefully to the ground, here pale face still in awe of what had just happened.

I mean, I am that good.

Of course, she might have fainted because one of Peeves’ walking sticks hit her in the back of the head at the same moment.

But I prefer to believe the former.

SHE FAINTED!

HALLELUIAH! There is hope once more in this world!

SHE LOVES ME, I KNOW IT!

Of course, once I conjured up and poured a jug of water all over her face, she did start cursing at me and picked me up by the scruff of my neck and, despite my remarks that there was nothing wrong with fainting at my hotness, threw me into the nearest closet and locked me in.

Man, she must really love me to get that angry.

Now, that I think about it though, I should probably be very angry at Lily and her I’m-so-much-better-than-your-arrogant-self-Potter thus-I-can-throw-you-in-any-closet-I -want and-you-can’t-do-a-thing-about-it-because-I-am-so-much-smarter- than-you-and-unlike-you-I-am-Head-Girl and-have-powers-greater-than-your-most-terrible- imaginings attitude.

Serious.

What?

Damn it, I thought you’d fallen asleep or something.

Naw, I’ve just been very amused by watching you get your false hopes up.

THEY’RE NOT FALSE! SHE LOVES ME!!!!

Uh-huh.

Right.

If you say so.


I just love the confidence that my BEST FRIEND has in me.

As I already said, I need to find new friends.





Padfoot, you stink.

I mean, I know you haven’t washed your underwear since God-knows-when, but have you ever heard of deodorant?

What?

I rest my case.

I’m suffocating.

I’m going to die, and when Lily comes back to let me out and opens the closet door, all she’s going to find is a rotting corpse, my face stuck in a grievous expression.

Grievous.

Wow, my vocabulary is doing well today.

And then when Lily realizes that she really loves me she’ll cry over my body, distraught and depressed, and beg for my forgiveness, and from heaven I will watch all of this and forgive her like my moral self and…

Hem, hem.

Sorry to interrupt, but…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks Padfoot. Thanks a lot.

My pleasure.









God, I really hate awkward silences.




A/N:

Hey. This is my first humor fic, also my first Lily/James fic, also my first MWPP era fic. If it isn't clear yet, this is my response to the "Out of your realm" challenge.

I don't read (or write) many MWPP fics, but this is just some random interpretation that popped into my head one day at three in the morning while at a school trip in Yosemite. Yeah.

Enjoy it if you will. If it sucks, let me know and I'll take it down and try to start a whole new Lily/James fic in a whole new light. Cuz I really want to write one, successfully...eventually that is. Yeah. Ciao!

Anyways, make sure to let me know if this is a keeper or if I should lock it at the bottom of my trunk and let it rot there...please REVIEW! Merci beaucoup!

Chapter 2: AHHHHH!!!!!!! McGonagall is God!
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A/N: Hey there! Well, I've decided to continue and have finally updated! Hope that you enjoy the chapter! If you leave me a review stating that you hate the story because it's random and stupid and pointless, I'll just laugh at you. Hard. Because that's the point. But, alas, I do hope that you leave me a review anyways...it would be lovely...




Chapter 2: AHHHHHH!!!! McGonagall is God!




It’s still silent. I really feel like hitting my head against the wall.

Except it’s pitch-black. And I can’t seem to find the wall.

And Padfoot rolled over in his bloody sleep and is now lying on top of me.

I can’t feel my legs. I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!

OH, NO! What if they’re gone?!? What if they fell off in the middle of the night, and I am now losing blood and slowly but surely dying?!? And it’s all Padfoot’s fault! I can’t even feel the pain because he’s cutting off my circulation!

Stupid Padfoot *hits repeatedly with a pillow*

Hey, where’d I get a pillow?

*shrugs*

Eh, who cares...

*Hits Padfoot with the pillow some more*

Hm, he won’t wake up. He’s bloody stubborn, Padfoot is.

.....

Still bored.

.....

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul...

.....

Still no luck. Padfoot’s deathly afraid of that song; I think his mom used to sing it to him when he was a baby or something. And well, you know his mom...

Wait, no you don’t, you’re just a stupid journal!

But whatever.

Urgh, it didn’t work. Still no luck. I think I’m going to faint from blood loss.

...with a corncob pipe and a button nose and...and...

OH NO! I can’t remember the words! And I know that song backwards and forwards normally! AHHHHHH, I think I’m going CRAZY! I must be dying! I must be! HELP ME!!! HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!

*hits Padfoot even harder with the random pillow*

STUPID PILLOW! What’s the point of showing up if you can’t even help me?

Wait, he groaned! HE GROANED! There is again some hope in this world! He’s getting up!

.....

Urgh, false alarm. He was just rolling over.
.....

I REMEMBER! YAY, I’M NOT DYING!

And two eyes made out of coal! Thumpety, thump, thump, thumpety, thump, thump, LOOK AT FROSTY GO!

Erm...right...yeah...sorry. Got a little too excited there.

Hm, I still can’t feel my legs...

Uh-oh. You know what I just thought of? What if I’m already dead? OH NO! I’LL NEVER SEE DEAR LILYKINS AGAIN!!!

*weeps uncontrollably*

AHHHHHHH NO, HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEE!!!!! I see the light; no, that is not a good sign! Please, God, forgive me, I meant not the horrible things I did! Snivellous deserved not what we put him through! Forgive me, oh dear Father...

*blinks heavily*

Blimey, God, you look an awful lot like McGonagall.

Oh no, he’s looking at me! The powerful, almighty God is LOOKING RIGHT AT ME! And he’s wearing a stern look just like McGonagall’s!

That is just too creepy.

He’s opening his mouth! Oh, sweet Jesus (Oh no! God, I swear I didn’t mean to use your dear son’s name in vain, I promise!). Damn you, self, damn you! Oh no, now I’m cussing! I’m doomed! The all-powerful, almighty God is going to smite me!

I’M DOOOOOOMED!

*closes eyes tightly in apprehension*

Erm, nothing’s happening.

*opens eyes tentatively*

“Mr. Potter, I say, what are you doing here?”

God has spoken. That’s funny, God even sounds like McGonagall!

This is getting wayyyyy too creepy for me, here.

Oh no, he’s pursing his lips JUST LIKE MCGONAGALL! AHHHHH, there’s two of them! One was bad enough!!!! I’m dead!

Wait, no, I’m already dead!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

NOW GOD JUST READJUSTED HIS WITCH’S HAT JUST LIKE MCGONAGALL DOES!!!!

And, BLOODY HELL, I do believe that he IS MCGONAGALL!

McGonagall is God! Oh no, dear me, I’m doomed to hell forevermore!

My dear Minnie...I mean, er, McGonagall...I mean, um, God? Please forgive this humble servant...

Wait, why is he...I mean she (wow, God’s a woman, who would’ve thunk?) just standing overhead, looking at me with a strange expression on his/her (maybe, being God, McGonagall is really a man, and has been hiding it all these years...Urgh, I just got the most horrid picture in my head. Ew, God, ew...really must try to shove that grotesque – woohoo for my vocabulary! Boo yah Moony, this boy can be taught! – image out of my head. It was, to say the least, quite disturbing. Minnie as a man? *shudders at the mere thought*) face, as if I’m going slightly mental.

I GOT IT! I know why God/McGonagall is staring at me with an odd expression on his/her face! It’s ‘cause I’m lying here on the ground with Sirius’ limp form squashing me, bleeding to death, writing in this bloody journal (which ironically doesn’t even belong to me) and not speaking a damn word as I attempt to grovel at his/her feet.

I bet I must look pretty funny right now, actually.

*giggles*

Wait, did I write giggles? Ewwww, I do not giggle! Girls giggle!

Excuse me, let me fix that...

*manly laugh*

There we go! Fixed!

Alright then. Excuse me for a moment while I go grovel at God’s/McGonagall’s feet for forgiveness.

Be right back.

*****


Well. I’m back.

And apparently I’M NOT DEAD! I WASN’T EVEN BLEEDING! WHY THE BLOODY HELL DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU ACCURSED STUPID JOURNAL!!!!!????

*starts to slam said journal against the wall*

Argh! Remus just came over and stayed my violent hand. Bloody peacemaker!

*glares*

He then asked what I thought I was doing. I told him that I was slamming you against the wall. He asked why. I told him that you backstabbed me and betrayed my trust by not telling me that I was alive, not dead. I mean, duh, that is about the worst betrayal and cruelty possible!

But of course, being wayyyyy too logical to understand my rantings once again, Remus just kinda stared at me as if I was crazy.

I’M NOT CRAZY!!!!!

Wait...am I?

Oh, no, what if Moony’s right? What if I am CRAZY? What am I ever going to do.

Oops. Moony’s staring at me like he thinks I’m even crazier than before. I should probably shut up now before he sends me to St. Mungo’s Mental Ward...

Sirius is now giving me, yet again, his got-to-keep-your-image-up talk, as if I haven’t memorized the thing yet.

*shakes head*

Poor, innocent man, actually thinks I’m listening.

Hm, he said that being known as that crazy-gent-who-talks-to-his-own-books-as-if-expecting-a-reply is not a good thing.

Good to know.

Ewwww. Padfoot just said I’m popular only because I’m the second-best looking guy in the whole school. Now he’s looking at me with a funny look in his eyes.

Maybe I should leave now.

HEYYYYYY SECOND BEST???? I am most definitely better looking than you, Padfoot!

Are not.

Am too.

Not.

Too.

Not.

*sigh*

This looks vaguely familiar. I’m really going to leave now...I mean it!

.....

Dammit! Remus Sirius, AND Peter ALL followed me to my bed!!! ARGH! THEY WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE! It’s like I’m a bloody magnet or something! MERLIN!

HA! And you will notice that I can cuss all I want because not only am I not dead or bleeding to death, McGonagall is NOT GOD!

Yippee!

And, if you must know (to cease your sick, twisted little mind), neither is she a man.

I know, thank God, huh.

Whom she is not.

So anyways, GUESS WHAT?!?!?!

I’M NOT DAMNED TO HELL ANYMORE! I HAVE A CHANCE AT SALVATION! Not that I’ll take it, of course, but hey, I have a chance! Thank the Lord!

Okay, I’m so over that. Now on to more important issues: for one (as it is the most important issue of ALL TIME), how to make the one and only, strikingly-beautiful, I-hate-you-so-much-you-make-me-gag, I’m-so-much-better-than-your-arrogant-self-Potter-thus-I-can-throw-you-in-any-closet-I-want-and-you-can’t-do-a-thing-about-it-because-I-am-so-much-smarter-than-you-and-unlike-you-I-am-Head-Girl-and-have-powers-greater-than-your-most-terrible-imaginings-Lily-Evans like me.

Wow.

That’s a mouthful.

I think I’ll shorten it.

Thus, my goal is to make SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE like me.

Wow, that’s still long.

But, hm, I guess it’ll have to do, huh?

I mean, it’s definitely easier to write than Lily or Evans or, heaven forbid, Lily Evans.

Duh.

Prongs, I think you’ve finally lost it, mate. Moony, line up a room at St. Mungo’s for lil ol’ Prongsie here; I think he’s finally going LOONY!

I swear! Padfoot with NEVER LEARN PRIVACY!

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

*sniffs in a very stuck-up, I’m-way-better-than-you type of manner*

Okay, now, James, all you have to do is repeat that to yourself one hundred times and maybe you’ll actually believe it.

Okay, here goes:

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

Okay, mate. You can stop now. I think you’ve made your point. Plus, if you don’t believe yourself yet, I think there’s no hope for you.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

You are calm, Prongs. You are the epitome of calm.

I am calm.

But remind me to kill him later.

*snorts*

Yeah, right...


Or perhaps right now would be a good time.

*glares the famous Potter evil glare*

....

Alas, again my evil glares go to no effect.

*sighs dramatically*

But anyways, back to the current task: how to make SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE like me.

Please excuse me for a moment while I go confer with Brainy; Arrogant, Privacy-Invading Prat of a Best Mate; and Mr. Boring (aka Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail; aka Remus, Sirius, and Peter; aka Lupin, Black, and Pettigrew; aka...well...erm...I think you get the point)

*****


AHA! I’m back once again!

Did you miss me!

Of course you did!

Well, Padfoot and I have come up with a plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-win-me- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE’s-heart-once-and-for-all!

I thought you said you’d already captured her heart, mate, and that she was just in denial.

Erm...right. A plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-help- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE-stop-being-in-denial-and-confess-her-love-for-me-once-and-for-all, then!

Riiiiiiiiiiight....

*glares*

.....

I don’t know why I even try anymore.

But, anyways...back to the plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-help- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE-stop-being-in-denial-and-confess-her-love-for-me-once-and-for-all, then!

Here’s the plan:

1) Make SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE stop hating me.

2) Make HER (sorry, but I’m totally tired of writing SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE all the time...URGH, I JUST WROTE IT AGAIN!!! I hate my life...) fall in love with me.

Don’t you see?

It’s ingenious! It’s fantastical! It’s foolproof! It’s so simple and easy it’s frightening! It makes me laugh like a maniac!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh-oh. Remus is shaking his head sadly at Sirius’ and my frolicking happy selves.

Mood spoiler.

Party pooper.

*sticks out tongue*

Oh, wait I’m mature now...I forgot.

*turns back on the way-too-smart-for-his-own-good, not-arrogant-enough-to-be-a-proper-marauder werewolf*

HA! TAKE THAT, MOONY!

URGH! I just snuck around for a tiny (I repeat, TINY) peek, and guess what!?! GUESS WHAT?!?! The way-too-smart-for-his-own-good, not-arrogant-enough-to-be-a-proper-marauder werewolf is still sitting there, shaking his damned head at me! Whoa-ho! He doesn’t think that the plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-help- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE-stop-being-in-denial-and-confess-her-love-for-me-once-and-for-all, then is good enough to work, does he?

Huh?

Huh???

HUH?????

Hey, it’s my plan too! Don’t you dare take all the credit!

*makes sad puppy eyes*


Haha, puppy eyes...he’s a dog...animagus...I’m so funny!

.....

Okay, maybe not.

I’ll just shut up now.

But before I do that, you know what I’ll do? Huh? Huh??? HUH?????

I’ll show you, Remus-the-dream-crusher! I’ll show you! When Lily’s hanging off my every world and head-over-heels in love with me, I’ll just laugh in your astonished, hurt little face....you....you....!!!!! RTDC!




A/N: So....how was it? This is still my first humour fic, you must remember, so I'd still love any feedback you can offer me. Have I totally lost my gift of hilarity? Has it grown funnier? How can I improve? I'd love to know, so please review!

Also, just to let you know, I can't promise how often I'll be able to update this story because I'm really busy and I have several other stories I'm currently already writing. Plus, I just write for this whenever I feel crazy and am full of inspiration (aka insanity). But my updates will probably come on an average of once a month. I'm sorry; I wish I could update more often, but that'll just have to do. Just warning you all ahead of time so that you don't give up on my story anytime! Ciao for now!

Also, I do hope that none of you are offended by my references to God, whether you believe in Him or not. It was just for hilarity's sake.

Chapter 3: RTDC conquers all!
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Chapter 3: RTDC conquers all!




I’M GOING TO BLOODY KILL YOU, REMUS J. LUPIN, DESTROYER OF MY EVERY DREAM AND HOPE AND WISH! I REPEAT, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew.

Glad to get that off my chest.

I wanted to pummel a pillow, but I couldn’t find one.

Damned pillows, can never show up when they’re needed.

So this’ll have to do.

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

Whew. Okay I feel loads better, now.

But, OH MY FREAKING GOD (haha, still not smited – smote? – by McGonagall!) you will never believe what happened, Diary!

Erm...I mean journal...

No, no, no...NOTEBOOK!

Yes, my manly man notebook!

Whoop!

Yeah...I’ll just stop now while I’m behind.

But, no! NO! I’ve just realized! AH, I’VE BEEN A TERRIBLE FATHER! I mean, owner...

I just realized...

YOU HAVE NO NAME! I need to name you! Yes, I will name you! I bet you feel all lonesome and not important without a name, now don’t you? Ah, I’m such a terrible person! My notebook was sliding into a depression and possibly thinking of committing suicide and I didn’t even notice! I just kept WRITING MY NOT-VERY-IMPORTANT THOUGHTS ALL OVER IT! Oh, I should never be allowed to be a father! I’d be such a terrible one! I must weep hystericallly over my poor notebook’s terribly mangled body! Oh, oh, oh....

.....

And the moment of silence is over.

So.....


What was I doing again? Before I got all distracted, that is?

Oh, yes, that’s right – picking a name for you!

Thank you so much for reminding me, journal!

If you don’t mind, I’ll finish mourning over you later.

Any objections?

.....

Good to know.

You know, originally I was just kidding when I asked Remus to book you a room at St. Mungo’s, but maybe you really need one...No, no, stop laughing! I’m genuinely concerned for your well-being! I mean, you’re talking to this...this...this thing as if it could actually talk back to you!

It’s not a thing, Sirius, nor is it even an it! I’m deeply offended that you’d even say that!

*dramatically holds hand to brow*

This notebook, my manly man notebook, is a he and his name is Harry.

And who knows, maybe he can talk back to me. Maybe he’s shy, and just hasn’t warmed up to me yet!

Harry? Where the bloody hell did you get that from? I mean, come on, you could’ve picked a better name, mate. Any other name! And, I’m telling you buddy, that thing ain’t talkin’ back to ya.

He’s not a thing, Padfoot! Look, you’re hurting his feelings!

It’s okay, Diary...I mean manly man notebook....I mean Harry...it’s okay....

And Harry’s a really nice name. I’ve always liked it.

I’m really, quite genuinely starting to worry about you mate...

Fine! Leave then, with all your caring-ness! See if I care! You were interrupting a very important, angry tangent I was going on about anyway, you great stupid prat!

.....

Sirius?

.....

Old buddy?

Oh.

I wasn’t expecting him to really leave.

.....

Oh well, moving on!

As I was telling you earlier...

I AM GOING TO MURDER THAT BLOODY TOO-SMART-FOR-HIS-OWN-GOOD, NOT-ARROGANT-ENOUGH-TO-BE-A-PROPER-MARAUDER WEREWOLF, Remus J. “Perfect” Lupin, and ex-second best friend of James Potter.

Yes, that’s right, you read me correctly! Ex-second best friend! And d’you wanna know why? D’you bloody wanna know why I’m going to murder that smart-ass? Huh? Huh??? HUH?????

WELL, I’LL TELL YOU WHY!!!!!

*dramatic drum roll*

LILY KISSED HIM! ON THE BLOODY LIPS!!!!!

I’M FALLING APART, I TELL YOU, FALLING APART!

Wow, d’you know what I’ve decided. It’s an awfully good think that McGonagall isn’t God, ‘cause I’m sure cursing up a storm. So damn much, in fact, I’m sure that I would definitely be smited – smote? – by now.

And that would not be good.

Not good at all.

But, I mean, seriously (no pun intended!)...

LILY KISSED MY EX-SECOND BEST FRIEND ON THE LIPS! URGH!!!! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE SUCH A TERRIBLE FATE?!? My plan was going just fine (great actually), and I could swear Lily was warming up to me the teensiest bit, then REMUS HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT ALL, THE BLOODY GIT!

He told me that my plan wasn’t working, no-ho, it wasn’t working (even though I cross my heart and hope to die that it was, and Sirius agrees)! Then d’you know what he told me? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE TOLD ME?!?!?!

He said that instead of following my stupid (it wasn’t stupid, it was BRILLIANT!) two-step, idiotic, dense list, all I had to do to get Lily to like me was be nice and sincere with her and that she’d cave in. I told him not to be such a sissy, that all girls liked manly men. He argued for the longest time (I swear, he just wouldn’t shut up!) that I was wrong.

SO DO YOU KNOW WHAT ME AND MY BIG MOUTH JUST HAD TO SAY????

I said, “Prove it.”

And do you know what he said in return?

Huh?

Huh???

HUH?????

He said, “Fine.”

ARGH!!!! OF ALL THE THINGS TO SAY! The overeager, bloody git!

Then guess what the prat did for the next few days! Just take a wild guess!

HE WAS NICE TO HER!!!

URGH! I mean, how sneaky can one get? How utterly despicable, how low can one sink?

I mean of all the things he could’ve done, he just had to go and BE NICE TO HER!

*mutters incomprehensibly*

The git.

I mean, come on, he knows he’s always right! He must’ve know that Lily would give into his charm! And he knows that I’m way to stubborn to admit that he’s always right, and that Lily would of course give in to his charm!

SO WHY DIDN’T HE TRY TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO MY BLOODY STUBBORN HEAD?!?!?!

Why, oh why, oh why?

Well, guess what, I’ll tell you why!

Yep, because I, Prongsie, of all people KNOW WHY!

It’s because....because...HE WANTS LILY ALL TO HIMSELF, the...the...the complete and utter PRICK!

Oh, and if you haven’t noticed, I’ve dropped SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE by now, as it’s bloody long and just took wayyyy too much time to write down every other line....’cause well, I mention SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE a lot...I mean Lily....er...I mention Lily a lot.

But, back to the main point of this ANGRY PASSAGE FULL OF ANGRY CAPITOL LETTERS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS TO THE EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT REMUS IS A BLOODY GIT WHO WANTS LILY ALL TO HIS BLOODY SELF, THAT SELFISH, GREEDY....PERSON!!!!

I promise you, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

I’m serious.

*hurt face*

No, I am! But, anyways, don’t you think it’s a bit harsh to be so angry at Moony, mate? After all, he did push Lily away and tell her, despite her crying which broke his heart, that he thought of her as a sister, not a girlfriend-type. So you can’t really...


*GASPS and begins to pound Padfoot with the random pillow that decided to show up, once again, when it wasn’t really needed*

WHATTTTT!!!!! Now Remus has betrayed my trust forevermore AND has broken dear Lily’s heart? I won’t speak to him for LONGER than I live!

I give up.

Fine then! Just leave! Again!

.....

Sirius?

.....

Old pal?

Oh, wow. Wasn’t expecting him to really leave.

Yet again.

.....

I actually feel quite lonely.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches...

*sighs*

Are those even the right words?

*****


You know, I’ve been thinking...

Oh, no.

I thought you went away!!!

.....

Okay, fine then! Leave like that!

.....

Git.

Back to what I was originally saying.

I’ve been thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am most definitely not going to talk to Moony ever again.

.....

Nope.

.....

You can’t make me!

.....

Although he IS pretty smart. I bet he could help me get SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE back! (It’s back to SBIHYS....well you get the point. I got bored of plain old Lily.)

.....

No, James, no! You are never to speak to Remus EVER AGAIN!

But I really want Lily to liiiiiiikkkkkkeeeee meeeeeeeee!!!!!

Stop whining, James, and solve your problem by your own bloody self!

But Reeeeeeemus is smaaaaaaaarrrrtttt....and I bet he’d heeeeeeeellllpppp meeeeeee.....

SHUT UP!

*pouts*

.....

HEY! I’ve got it!

What?

Lily likes Remus, right?

Right....

And why does she like Remus?

Erm....

BECAUSE HE’S REMUS!!!!

Okay, I think I’ve missed the point.

Well, I don’t want to talk to Remus, do I?

Noooooo.....

But I want to be like him so Lily’ll like me, right?

Yes.....

So all I have to do is act EXACTLY like Remus, and she’ll like me too!

Yippee!

Oh James, you’re a genious!

Oh, stop sucking up to me, you stupid alter ego! No more chocolate for you!

*pouts*



A/N: The end bit is James talking to himself. RTDC means Remus the Dream Crusher, that's it. I know a bunch of you were confused about that. I'm quite depressed as of the moment, so a kind review or two would be nice =D lol. I will try to update asap, but I must wait for inspiration to hit me. Any ideas about where to head with the next chapter? What should James do to act like Remus, and how should it be constructed? I have writer's block, so ideas are welcome! Thanks! (The more ideas you give me, the sooner the next chapter will be up!) Ciao!

Chapter 4: Utter Fabulosiosity of the BPETUBOFWEBM Plan…Er, what?
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A/N:
I know it's been a very long time since I've updated and that because of this I've probably lost most of my readers. For that I am sorry. However, for those of you who have not given up on this story and for those of you who are new readers, enjoy chapter 4 as a Happy New Year's gift!




Chapter 4: The Utter Fabulosiosity of the BPETUBOFWEBM Plan…Er, what?






Well, the first half of Day 1 of the Act-Exactly-Like-Remus-To-Make-Lily-Really-Like-Me-And-Manage-To-Annoy-A-Certain-Bloody-Werewolf-With-A-Major-Loyalty-Problem-At-The-Same-Time Plan has officially concluded. A plan which will henceforth (wow, I feel majestic and incredibly intelligent…BOW to the AMAZING, INCREDIBLE James “The Epitome of Regal Incredibility and Amazingness” Potter! Hehe…) be known as the Best-Plan-Ever-Thought-Up-By-Of-Course-Who-Else-But-Me, or the BPETUBOFWEBM Plan.





I am almost overcome by the incredibleness and amazingability of this grandiose (take that, Sirius! My vocabulary is doing just fabuloso today! SCORE: James: 2, Sirius:0) plan. Please excuse me for one moment while I weep for joy.





…..





Oooookee dokee, I’m back! And guess what has made the plan so incredibly AMAZING!!?? Huh, just guess!





Success at last! Lily, the great Lily Evans….SHE LOOKED AT ME WITHOUT YELLING! ‘Course, she was staring at me as if I had two heads and belonged in the Loony Bin as I copied exactly what Remus did motion for motion and repeated everything he said in a much lower pitched, masculine, and sexy echo…she must have been overwhelmed by my extreme sexiness and masculinosity. I can have that effect of women sometimes….render them speechless with my good looks…





Oi, not to burst your bubble, mate, but people only stare at you in silence because they’re too shocked…





With my good looks, I know! Now, be a good lad and don’t make me brag…





Er…I was going to say people only stare at you in silence because they’re too shocked by the stupid things you do without thinking twice AND without managing to feel embarrassed in any way, shape, or form to actually open their mouth and articulate…





But whatever floats your boat.





*blinks in confusion* I don’t have a boat…





*blinks back* Oh, God, mate…you haven’t finally gone senile have you?





Where’s the flood?!? DUCK AND COVER!!!





Cuz that’ll help so much against a flood.





Oh, I suppose I’m thinking of Earthquakes. But they’re practically the same thing.





Right.





Of course I’m right. But anywho, as I was saying Lily Evans LOOKED AT ME WITHOUT YELLING!!! The look on her face was hard to identify, either horror or admiration. They can both look very similar you know.





For YOU maybe. You only have one expression, that of stupidit…






 



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand you’re done, now, thanks!




 



…..





…..





Oh, God…





…..





Now that I think about, I suppose I must have appeared rather odd to Lily…





*rolls eyes, then speaks in a voice dripping in sarcasm* NO…not at all.





But alas, I must sacrifice my image (and in doing so, ignore Sirius’ image advice, which is okay because I am very good at ignoring him – I have practically perfected the art!) for the love of Lily that I hold harbored (James: 3, Sirius: still 0 due to the fact that he has fallen back asleep and will probably remain so for the next few hours, as it is after all only 1 in the afternoon) in my dearly loving and generous heart.





Anywho, I’m going to class to transfigure McGonagall’s nose into a mouse with flower petals for ears and raisins for eyes….I shall report back after dinner. After all, can’t stalk Lily on an empty stomach…





Toodle-oo!





*****





OH FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN I AM GOING TO KILL THE FOOL THAT CAME UP WITH THE BPETUBOFWEBM PLAN!!! HE IS GOING DOWN!!!!





Er, mate…





I MEAN, WHO WOULD EVER COME UP WITH SUCH A STUPID PLAN??!! ONLY SOMEONE FULLY INTENT ON ME MAKING A COMPLETE AND UTTER FOOL OF MYSELF!




 



Er, Prongsie…





OH I WILL FIND WHOEVER THAT SON OF MCGONAGALL IS AND HE IS GOING DOWN! HOW DARE HE THINK THAT HE CAN STEAL LILY FROM ME! THE PRAT…!





James!





OH HE IS MOST DEFINITELY EX-SECOND-BEST-FRIEND NOW! HE HAS THE NERVE TO TAKE MY GIRL THEN SET ME UP WITH A STUPID COMEBACK PLAN AND FEEDS IT TO ME AND I LAP IT UP AND NOW LILY THINKS I’M NOT ONLY BIGHEADED AND A PRAT BUT ALSO A SELFISH, UNFEELING MENTAL GIT WHO DESERVES NO LESS THAN A SLAP ON THE FACE AND A ROOM AT ST. MUNGO’S!





OI, PRAT!





On second thought, she did touch me….yes, it was a slap but part of her body touched mine…ooooh skin to skin *shivers in pleasure*





Oh so help me God…





Might do better asking McGonagall. It’s always worked for me.





I can see that.





Obviously.





I was being sarcastic…





Lily, Lily, Bo Billy, Fi Fie Foe Filly, Lily! Well, her name is just no fun…





Oh, so help me McGonagall…





But she was crying…that’s never good…





Er, what?




 



*whistles innocently* Sirius, you must help me come up with a comeback to pay back that git who put that stupid BPETUBOFWEBM plan into my head.





…..




 

OWWWWWW YOU PRAT! What was that for?!?!?!



 



It’s my comeback plan. I have now officially caused pain to the founder of the BPETUBOFWEBM plan. Congratulations to me.





Wait, I’m confused. How does slapping me cause pain to that git of an ex-second-best mate sitting over there with my fiery-haired beauty? *whimpers*





It doesn’t.





Hold the phone…*hands Padfoot a cell phone*





Uh Prongs? Why in the name of all that is sane do you have a cell phone when you know that electronic devices can’t function at Hogwarts because there’s so much magic around?



 



*stares at it for a moment* Why, it’s sexy.





*blinks stupidly*





*blinks stupidly again*





*starts laughing*





*and won’t stop*





….





*groans erupt and muffled harrumphs of struggle ensue*





Stop wasting my diary space, stupid prat! Anywho, where were we…





Spell out the BPETUBOFWEBM plan.





Oh! How its name causes such great pain to thine ears! Must you mention its wretched existence?!?





Oh for God’s sakes just spell it out you great git!





All right then, calm down, hold your thestrals…





*blinks in confusion*





That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.





*whimpers, then mopes* I thought it was clever.





Right. Now just spell out the frickin’ name. Please.






 



Fine, then.





Bully.





The Best-Plan-Ever-Thought-Up-By-Of-Course-Who-Else-But-Me. So?





So who came up with the plan?




 

Remus, of course.





*shakes head* You’ve gotta be kidding me…





Wait…oh, oh crap…





I’M BEWITCHED! REMUS HAS GOT ME UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE!!!! OH SIRIUS BUDDY WHAT AM I EVER GOING TO DO?!?





My prat of a best mate has fluff for brains. Or maybe worms. Or dirt. Or worms IN dirt…





That’s it. I’m going to fight it, hold my head up high, and get Lily back my own way.





GREAT IDEA! LOVELY!





*opens mouth to talk…but freezes with his mouth open like a gaping blowfish, and nothing comes out*





…..





…..





Oh, crap…





Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea!





YAY!





How about you’re nice to her for once and refrain yourself for a couple days from asking her to marry you? *wiggles eyebrows*





*stares in disbelief* That is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard in my life. (SCORE: James: 3, Sirius: -1)





HEY! You can’t give me negative points!





Says who?





ME!





*gasps* You’re ME??? YOU CAME UP WITH THE FAILED BPETUBOCWEBM PLAN?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GET READY TO BE CONQUERED!!!!





Oi, get off me you prick! You’re heavy! Oooooh have you been working out?





Ewwwwwww stop feeling me up, you git!





Then gerroff me, you idiot! Or I’ll take you to the hospital wing and tell Madame Pomfrey you’re paralyzed and need a sponge bath.





*eyes Sirius with great fightenosity* You wouldn’t.





*evil cackle* Oh, but I would.





*quickly climbs off Sirius*





…..





…..





…..



 



OI! I’ve got an IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s pure geniosity! I should earn the Nobel Prize for it!





In what field?





*rolls eyes* In the field of geniosity, you great prat…





*sighs* I shall never get through.





So…what’s your genius idea?





I stare at Lily and grin stupidly at her until she realizes that I’m the one for her and comes rushing into my arms.





.....





.....





Mate, no offense but that’s the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard.





No, you just wait! This is the Ultimate-Noble-Prize-Winning-Unfailable-Plan-Of-Utmost-Geniosity that will certainly win her over! You just wait.





The UNPWUPOUG plan, is it?





Yes.





Hmmmm…I change my mind then. There’s promise. It’s got a nice ring to it.





Knew I could count on you, mate.





Oh wait, what is she doing???





I believe she’s leaving.





Oi! Get away you git of an ex-second-best mate! No one asked for your opinion! You can’t write in my amazing manly-man notebook. It is strictly mine!





With my input.





Unfortunately.



 



SO no matter what you tell me to do LUPIN I am going to go and follow her.





Uhhhh…wouldn’t do that, mate.





La la la la laaaaaaaah I can’t hear you!!!!! *closes eyes* And I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU WRITE EITHER!!!! Na na na na naaaaaah!





Er, mate? You just took up half a page…diagonally. *pokes James and he opens his eyes and blinks in surprise*




 



Shut up. It’s pretty.





A pretty manly-man notebook, eh?





*a screaming wail issues from James’ mouth* Oh, how I must mourn over the battered remains of my poor Harry…later. If you don’t mind. Raincheck?




 



…..





Good. I’m going after Lily, then.






 



Er, mate…?





….





….





*painful grunts issue from James’ mouth as he tumbles down the suddenly flattened staircase to the seventh year girls’ dormitory*





…..





Can’t go up there.





I think it’s time we bring in the professionals.





You have no idea.




A/N: Please remember to review! It means the world to me! *gives invisible cookie*

 



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