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Screaming For Air by emeralds in ebony

Format: One-shot
Chapters: 1
Word Count: 2,221

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature

Genres: Songfic, Angst, Drama
Characters: James, Lily, Sirius Black

First Published: 12/10/2005
Last Chapter: 12/10/2005
Last Updated: 12/10/2005

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She wanted to get noticed. Two boys did. Only she gave her heart to the wrong one.

Chapter 1: Screaming For Air
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Screaming For Air

Hands clenched together down in her lap, chin jutted out promptly, the young girl looked to be strained. Her lips were pouted, and there were still remains of what looked like lipstick or lip gloss. Eyes embedded in tears, she emotionlessly stared out in front of her, towards the bare wall and nothing else. Even seated in her wooden chair, the uncomfortable being of it didn’t frighten the girl away. There were worst things she was feeling, mentally rather than physical.

She blinked her eyes shut momentarily, causing a few fresh tears to escape. Scurrying down her pale cheeks, they streamed spontaneously. Yet the girl would not bend, she would not look away. She had made a pact with herself, to not do such a thing. She would not give in. She would simply sit there, listening.

They were fighting. Again. Only this time it wasn’t in front of her. They were behind the wall. You’d think that would be a big deal. But it wasn’t. She could hear each and every word. It didn’t help that she was the topic of their discussion. However, nowadays they all focused on her. On Lily Evans.

Swallowing thickly, the red head shut her eyes again, before opening them up narrowed. She was distraught. Upset and enraged, yet she could not do a single thing about it. She had trusted him, and now it had all gone to a waste. Who would have thought, the love of your so called life, would hurt you in such a way. But now she knew.

“How could you do this?” one of the voices said, male.

Lily knew who it was all too well. Yet it wasn’t the one she was most angry at. This boy hadn’t done anything to her but be a pain in their younger years. But the other one; Lily could not even find the words to describe the trouble she’d been put through because of him. All because of him.

“Prongs, it meant nothing,” the other voice spoke, sounding so precise and strong.

That’s where Lily lost it. Breaking down, her head went bowed, and all strands of her auburn hair flew out of their clutches behind her ear. Every single one of them made a move to cover up her face, in which they eventually succeeded in doing. Yet there was a price to pay, for everything and anything she had once held dear.

Every day I sit here waiting
Every day just seems so long
And now I’ve had enough of all the hating
Do we even care?
It’s so unfair

Sleeping soundless on the mattress, the warmth of the comforter pulled her down. Well, that and the stiff, lively hand entangled around her own arm. She smiled breathlessly, still in her sleeping mode. Yet her eyes were squinted open, and she could see the man lying beside her, looking back into her eyes with the same gentleness.

Yawning, she changed positions, earlier from her being on her side, to now where she was lying on her stomach. Only now she was much more closer to the young man. And that proved to make her smile more, which in truth made her feel giddy. Well, shouldn’t she have?

“Morning,” the boy rasped out, his voice scratchy with dawn fever.

She adored his voice. It was the one she wanted to wake up next to, to always tell her sweet nothings, and to always help her out of any difficult situations. He’d proven the first two concepts, yet the third was slightly more hard to get to. Nonetheless, she was grateful; for him, for his hands, and for his smile.

“Mmm…” she trailed off, shutting her eyes and moving closer to him. Up until the point she was laying her chin in the crook of his neck, she could feel the memory of last night come back to her. Although when she looked up into his eyes, all she could see was herself.

The man reached out and wrapped his arm around her waist. Squeezing it slightly, reassuringly, he sighed. Bringing his own head closer to hers, he kissed her forehead slowly. Then pressing his cheek to it, he licked his lips. The moment appeared to be happening right out of a fairy tale novel.

“I love this…” he whispered.

The young girl then blushed, feeling the redness rushing to her cheeks. Crimson almost, she was glad he couldn’t see directly down her face. Yet she could still see everything about him. Her inner eye had captured enough out of him for one night. It couldn’t have been any more perfect.

“…and I love you.” He had finished with a husky tone.

Yes, it couldn’t have been any more perfect than having Sirius Black telling him he loved you.

And day it will all be over
Any day there’s just nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
And it starts again
It will never end

She had rushed out of that room, that day, avoiding the fight. The memory of love had been so far away, yet it seemed like it had only happened yesterday. Truth be told, it had happened two days ago. Pity to what moves like those lead you up to. She had only thought she had found him; found her other half.

Not wanting to hear another word, she scrambled to her own bedroom, of her flat. Having only four rooms to begin with, not counting the bathroom, Lily knew absolutely how the place functioned. And she already felt a waste for it. There was nothing left for her here.

As soon as she entered her sleeping chambers, her eyes fell on the bed, rumpled sheets and all. She cringed, her hands clenched at her sides. Almost falling from the amount of force on her shoulders, she quickly strode over to her dresser. It was the only object of support left for her.

Placing her hands on the cool, mahogany wood, she sighed. Exhaling and then inhaling, her nostrils were flared. Heck, if she continued to sob inwardly, she wouldn’t be able to breathe through her nose for a week. It wasn’t worth it. Or was it?

Why couldn’t this have happened somewhere else? Why did she know as many people as she did? And why did she have to look this way?

I’m heavily broken
And I don’t know what to do
Can’t you see that I’m choking?
And I can’t even move
When there’s nothing left to say
What can you do?
I’m heavily broken
And there’s nothing I can do

“Lily,” he had said, not too long ago. He held her hands in his larger ones, morally leaning on her for confidence. Well, she wouldn’t have known. Sirius Black had as enough confidence as the world had of air, clean or filthy.

Cocking her head to the side, the red-haired beauty parted her lips slowly. Ready for him to speak, she nodded her head. Feeling him squeeze her hands finally, he had committed to resigning. Leaning forward, and instead of speaking, he had captured his lips were her own. Buckets of passion and compassion had covered up all the insanity, and what the boy was about to say.

She never did find out about what he had on his mind. As soon as they had both hit the bed, they had reached the point of no return. And even then did Lily feel right out content. However, she had no reason to. This boy was not James. James would have not liked this. But back then, there was no James for her. There was a Potter.

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now I’m starting to scream
And I’ve got to keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn’t end

A cry shook her body, and for a moment she forgot why she was even there. Biting the inside of her cheeks, the young lady simply shook her head. Raising it slowly, she looked herself right in the eye. Staring back at her reflection, in the clean mirror, Lily couldn’t have felt as dirty, ever, as she did right then.

If only you could take back time, so you didn’t have to live through the horrible things. If only there was a way to rewind, and put a stop to what was going to happen in the future. But there wasn’t. And that’s what hurt Lily the most; knowing that she could not take any of it back. But Sirius could, with his lies and quirks.

She felt mortified, humiliated. Pulling open a drawer, she shuffled through it. Everything that had once been so close to her, dear to her, had been stored in this compartment. Now all Lily wanted to do was tear them all apart, and break the drawer right from its hinges. But that would attract too much attention.

Lily quickly scrambled through her belongings, hurriedly taking out the needless items. A picture here and there, and a thick book. A few letters as well, as she scrunched them up together. She found a box all too soon, and stored them all inside of it. Rather, she flung them in. She didn’t want to have anything to do with them anymore.

Up until this point, she would have thought love was real. But now, it wasn’t. Not to her. All Lily Evans knew about such a feeling was that it hurt you when you least expected it. And that only made her fear going through it once more. She did not have the strength and power to commit anymore. Nor did she choose to.

I’m heavily broken
And I don’t know what to do
Can’t you see that I’m choking?
And I can’t even move
When there’s nothing left to say
What can you do?
I’m heavily broken
And there’s nothing I can do

“What are you trying to - Lily!”

Sirius had been somewhat startled to see the door creak open. He was standing in her direction, to see her every move. But the other man he was speaking to, had his back turned to Lily. She wouldn’t have had it any other way, but then why did her heart tear more?

Keeping quite, she had one box under her arm, and her spare was reaching up to her forehead, and tucking away strands of her hair away. Her eyes were practically bloodshot, although they were narrowed. Creases had begun to form in her forehead, and they were all directed to one person she bared to see. She couldn’t look James in the eye.

Lily started forward, and immediately shoved the box into Sirius Black’s hands. He held onto them with a shocked expression. Yet his trademark grin was searing out through his façade. And that was all Lily could see. It just pained her to know, that was once the smile she couldn’t wait to see. The one face she came crawling back to. But not anymore.

Feels like I’m drowning
I’m screaming for air
Screaming for air
Louder I’m crying
And you don’t even care


But it was too late. Having heard even Sirius’ voice, telling her to come back, would not do the trick. She’d had enough. And nothing would make her reconsider now. Not after hearing complaints, lies, and negative thoughts. Lily was going to leave for the better. Even if it was her house.

Storming down the front steps, she could still hear the familiar voice at the back of her mind. Only this time, instead of telling her she was wrong for the umpteenth time, it was telling her to go on, to finish what she started. Point well taken.

As she made her way to the corner, even with the voices debating in her surroundings, she could tell maybe she’d done the only thing there was left to do. Running is not part of the experience, but leaving was. And all Lily could focus on was the fact that James hadn’t said a single word to her. Nothing.

A tear streamed down her cheek, alone and forgotten. She made a move to wipe it away, then she almost slipped. Well, actually, she did. Crashing to the floor, her knees collided with the hard, cold sidewalk. Wincing at the immediate contact, all thoughts flew out of Lily’s mind. And they were replaced with sharp pain, only not on the inside. She could take physical pain, for now.

Yet, when she looked up, a hand was hovering right in front of her face. Stifling a gasp, Lily hesitated. She glanced further up, to see the face of the beholder. For a moment, she couldn’t tell if her mind was playing tricks on her, or if she was living the reality. It came to be, when she saw her own reflection through the person’s glasses, that the man was real. And that fact alone, with his open hand, made her take it. Take it to freedom.

I’m heavily broken
And I don’t know what to do
Can’t you see that I’m choking?
And I can’t even move
When there’s nothing left to say
What can you do?
I’m heavily broken
I’m heavily broken
And there’s nothing I can do…