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c l o s e r t o y o u by OpheliaDameDansLeBleu

Format: Novella
Chapters: 20
Word Count: 40,420
Status: Abandoned

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Strong Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature

Genres: Romance
Characters: Dumbledore, Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Lily, James, Lucius, Pettigrew
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 09/02/2005
Last Chapter: 07/05/2006
Last Updated: 07/05/2006


HUGE THANKS TO ANDEGORA FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL BANNER! -Lily and James, both have secret pen pals, and both are in love with their pen pals. But what happens when James discovers that they are EACH OTHER'S penpals? With letters riddled with his darkest secrets James finds he can't tell her. And when he finds that she won't give up her pen pal for him so easily will he go insane competing with himself? And will he get the girl, or lose to his own creation?

Chapter 1: closer than you think
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Chapter one: Closer than you think

Dear Icy flame,

I’m pleased to see that YOU are excited for the final arrival of school, unlike me who dreads it with all my heart.
Of course, there is one thing that I am happy to have here, my friends. And although we swore at the beginning of this pen pal thing (that luckily our mothers forced us into, or at least for me) that we would never tell anything about each other, I only wish I knew your true name. Oh well, but at least if you can’t answer me that, tell me what school you belong to. And before you might give me a reply let me first tell you, although rashly you will say, that I go to Hogwarts. Yes, a marvelous place where I have my three best friends. I wish I could tell you more but time is running short for this letter.
And to answer your other question, I have read the book ‘Advanced book of dark art spells’ but don’t let any one else know that. I’m really not one for reading books, however that is my favorite subject. I’ll update you more in my next letter, and who knows maybe one day we might meet?

Red dragon.

Lily couldn’t help but smile every time she received a letter from ‘Red Dragon’.

Lily danced around the common room holding up and waving the letter as if doing some sacred tribal dance.

“Hogwarts!” she squealed, “He actually goes to my school!” Her hands jumped with excitement as she began to write back.

“Evans!” barked an arrogant voice that echoed belligerently through the dark shadows of the common room.

James Potter casually strolled up behind the couch Lily Evans was sitting in and adversely leaned his long lean arms against the back top of the sofa, craning his head over her to peer at the blanch parchment she was about to write on.

“So, what are we writing today?” he cooed, a complacent smile playing dangerously on the outskirts of his mouth.

“’We’ are not writing anything!” she called fiercely, as she tilted her head directly upward, inches away from the on looking gleaming eyes that now were chocolate brown with a shimmering acid green twinkle of James Potter.

“Oh, a letter!” he drawled, now seeing the one neatly squabbled word ‘Dear’ written on her parchment.

“It’s none of your business!” she said protectively, pressing the letter to her chest securely hidden from sight.

“Oh come now, Evans!” James replied sweetly, his sharp tongue working hard to slice the air with his words. And came around the couch to position his tall form in front of her in the most intimidating manner gracefully arching a single eyebrow “So we’re writing to a secret admirer are we?”

“James Potter will you go away! This is MY letter, and I want to keep it that way”

“Oh Evans” he muttered, lowering his head and shaking it with an exaggerated expression of disappointment, “When will you ever learn?”

“When you find a brain in that skull of yours,” she fleered with a glowing ember flaming in her eyes.

“Looks like never I must say!” he said smiling. James found he’d much rather stare unintentionally at her than listen to anything she was saying which he found was increasingly growing from the start of the year.

Lily smirked and arched her delicate eye brow skillfully, “That’s a first Potter, you just insulted yourself”

But her one moment of satisfaction was killed with three little words,
“What’d you say?”

“If you would only listen, then you might realize what a stupid git you can be sometimes.” She called rolling her eyes in full rotation.

“Sometimes? Evans, why I didn’t know you had the capacity or capability to compliment me! I thought you thought I was a git ALL the time!”

“Well I suppose everyone has their moments.” She sniffed.

“Thank Merlin for that!” he cried. But his eyes gave a slight flicker as he looked into Lily’s emerald eyes.

“James?” she queried, a worried look scrunched on her face.

“Wha’?” he said, coming out of his small trance.

“Oh James” she said rolling her eyes once more, something she found she always did when around him.

But Potter wasn’t listening at the moment (as always), his eyes were settled on a small folded up letter.

“And what might this be?” he fleered, waving the letter inches from her face.

“Mine” she snapped, snatching the paper back with a twitch of pulsating anger throbbing in her head.

“Secret Lover?” he said with a sneer.

“Pen pal” Lily stated walking, with her chin held high, right passed him. “And he is much better than YOU”

“Are we in love now?” James innocently solicited again, with a fake pout.

“He’s just someone I write to!” she lied, she was hoping they could meet one day, and possibly develop more of their relationship “And would YOU stop talking like that!” she said, turning around, whipping her cascading ginger locks, and her eyes open wide with her head cocked in annoyance to one side.

“We are in love, aren’t we with this BOY…but I have no idea in what way you suggest I am talking,” he said, once more putting on his acting skills.

“THAT WAY! And besides…” she said now turning her anger to coolness, “Aren’t you also one of the people in this school who signed up for it, I saw that letter addressed to you”

James cringed, “That’s different” He said truthfully, this girl was much different than hers. He had found with much sadness that he would never know who the girl was, and even though he had no idea what she looked like, her fiery spirit shined brilliantly and in every way he could only imagine her as attractive.

“Sure” she replied sweetly finally getting some satisfying revenge on him.

Lily thought for a moment as she walked away from him. From their last letter she thought she might die when he said he wanted to meet her, if only he knew how much she wanted to meet him. But Dumbledore said the point of a pen pal was so you didn’t know who the person was. The only thing that truly puzzled her was why he would set her up with some one in the same school.

Lily sat in thought for a moment when a voice echoed in her ears.

“Evans…Evans?” James was mildly waving a hand across her face, bobbing his face around her eyes as if to find the spot she was starring at.


“Getting a little spacey Evans…watch yourself.” But with that she flounced up the stairs to her dorm, her red hair swaying gracefully behind her like a final wave goodbye.

James stood there for a moment smiling with a cocky and self-satisfied expression. But his mind wandered to other things, that girl...if only they could meet…but that was prohibited. If only she went to his school, but he still didn’t know yet.

His dream girl…that was the way he thought of her, and even though he wanted to meet her, it was nice as his ‘dream girl’. He could make her into anything he wanted her to be. Any form of girl he wished, he could just slap on a hot girls face and dream that way, or anyway face of any girl he wanted to dream of like Evans’s.


He shook his head, trying to dismiss the thought with the movement of muscle.

No such luck.

He HAD NOT just thought that he wished the girl to look or be LILY…could he?

Lily sat down on her bed and sighed.
Of all the boys in her grade James was the one boy who could irritate her the most. Even the Slytherins couldn’t madden her more than he did. And it wasn’t like she hated him, he just, annoyed her so much…and she had never known why.


James sighed and started to shuffle his feet towards his dorm when his feet kicked something thin and light.

James stared curiously down at the small letter Lily had been holding.

He gave a wide smirk as he saw this was her pen pal letter, but immediately as he opened it, his eyes went curiously to the bottom of the letter to where he would have signed it.

James’s eyes widened slightly and a troubled feeling crossed his mind and flashed in his eyes.

Red Dragon…

He knew that name…

…Because it was his…


(Hm what do you think? Please read and review if you think I should continue. I can never tell what is considered a good story, ah well, please review!)

Chapter 2: Lily and a bit of Quidditch...
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Chapter two: Lily and a bit of Quidditch

A vision of crimson seemed to haunt him that day. In his dreams wove her beautiful silken face, ivory pale skin under crimson waves of velvety hair. And electric eyes, vibrant almond shaped emerald eyes that seemed to be her only barrier between him and her mind. Those precious eyes that guarded selfishly her thoughts, like a tamed lion prowling back and forth, tempting and teasing intruders to step forth only to kill.

And the reason that this lion, which he watched begrudgingly, now so boldly and adversely appearing more brazen through out the hours and minutes and seconds was the letter that had found it’s way into his hands, the letter that he wanted to crumple up and rid and purge himself of. Lily…why did that name seem so elegant on his tongue, why did that face keep showing in his mind, and why did he love to stroke her image in his mind’s eyes? And now it was confirmed in that one letter that the one girl that he might ever consider truly loving was Evans…. no, not Evans,


James gave a soft groan from where he sat, experiencing mixed feelings like a cold liquid fill his throat and a heavy stone in the pit of his stomach.

“Another love letter from Icy Flame” flared the infamous Sirius with a wide leering smirk.

James was sitting on his four-poster bed, starring down at his own shoelaces, with the letter folded up neatly in his hand. Sirius meandered over to his own bed, waving a hand and mouthing impatiently ‘one minute’ to a pair of eyes that hid in the crack of the dorm’s doorway. The pair of eyes vanished and light ‘pads’ of feet scurried down some stairs.

Sirius narrowed his eyes to thin slits of fathomless stormy grey. And a peculiar smile formed on his face as he placed his hand slowly against his pale face with his thumb under his chin and his forefinger along his structured check bone as he waited for an answer.

“No” he replied, not listening intently enough to catch the ridicule.

“What’s with you today?” said Sirius, casting a questioning look over in his direction.

“This pen pal thing”

“What, did you find out to all our horror that your ‘dream girl’ is really Snivellus?”

James looked up and gave a wide grin and then gave a relieved sigh, “Needed that”

“I think I can see that” he answered, his smirk still swiped permanently on his pale face with his long mangled hair hanging in an attractive fashion in his eyes “So what is the trouble my friend, because girls’ are my expertise!” he cried, raising an impish grin.

“I don’t know how much help you’ll be on this one”

Sirius gave a bored sigh, “Try me”


“For god’s sake just tell her!” Sirius whispered into the ear of James who, sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, was staring oafishly at Lily who was intently reading a book while she ate.

“What?” James shook his head, realizing what he had been doing.

“Oh for the love of Merlin!” he cried slapping James with a hard ‘thud!’ on the back of the head.

“Ow!” he yelped, making an echo inside the vast room.

Lily looked up for a moment, disrupted from reading, her eyes searching around wildly till….
Lily stared for a moment at James and he felt his stomach twist in all sorts of knots.

For a while it seemed, neither moved, but the thread that was binding them was weakening.

Why is he starring at me? Lily thought silently as her eyes were held in his strong gaze.

Do I look funny or something?

James tore his eyes away from her.

“She’s sitting all alone, by herself! This is your chance! Tell her, ask her out, SOMETHING!” Sirius profusely roared in vain in Potter’s ear.

“I can’t tell her,” he said simply.

“Why not?” he cried with a skeptic laugh.

I can’t tell her he repeated in his head, confirming the thought.

“I just can’t…”

Sirius didn’t understand, he couldn’t understand. He had embedded so many dark secrets in those letters. All of his secret emotions were hidden deep inside him…and her.


If Lily knew he was her pen pal, his whole reputation would change. He had too many things he couldn’t throw away in those letters; and it would take along time for those memories to ebb from their minds.

Lily looked over at James again, who was sitting with his usual gang of Sirius, Remus, and Peter. But unlike the rest, his eyes were furrowed in confusion and a sad look filled his remarkably infinite honey-brown eyes that gleamed a tinge of emerald and gold.

It was very unlike James, he was never sad. Almost always she had to beat him away with a stick just to get away from him and his gigantic ego, but not now.

James was now completely absorbed in his own thoughts.

“James?” cooed a soft voice.

Potter nearly jumped out of his skin as he looked up with wide eyes as he saw in panic, Lily now standing in front of him.

“James? Are you alright?” she queried, a serious tone in her soothing voice.

“Li-I-mean-Evans!” James called, his voice now turning back to normality, “Fine, why, are you just that worried about me?”

Lily’s heart sank, she thought she had finally caught James at a real moment, but no such luck, “Oh, I just thought…well you looked so-“

“Handsome?” he interrupted her, with a puckish grin smeared on his face.

“Not exactly the word I would have used…”

“You’re absolutely right, charming would be more like it”

Lily’s lips pursed together as she rolled her eyes in routine. “Good night James”

James gave a cocky grin, “I think she likes me!”

Sirius closed his eyes and whacked his forehead with his hand at James’s own stupidity.


As the four retreated to their dorms James paused as he passed by the common room’s fire.

“James?” asked Remus, “You coming?”

“Later…I’ve got stuff to do,” he said, smiling at the sleeping Lily who lay with a book on her lap on the couch.

James crouched down beside the peaceful Lily, her breathing like the soft purrs of a kitten, rhythmic and soothing. For a moment all James did was watch her chest rise and fall. Stare hard as though trying to see through the bone and muscle to her aching heart, which he longed to hold. A smile gently spread itself over his face, and whether unconsciously or not, he lifted his hand and stroked her long scarlet hair. Lily shifted in her sleep, turning more to the warm glow that emitted from the fire, making her skin turn a honey golden color. His eyes traveled farther now, and landed on her soft lips. His smile fell, how he wished he could just hold her. That was all, just hold her…He winced as he thought this, not out of disgust but because he knew he would never have the bravery to let out his bottled emotions.

James’s lips pursed together, and his old ways seeped back into him remembering what he came her to do.

“This must be your seventh time, falling asleep with a book in your hands!” he said, straightening himself up.

Lily slowly roused, blinking up at the smiling James. “Oh, it’s you” she said frowning.

“Oh, don’t be that way Evans, you know you want me” he replied with a mischievous smile carved on his handsome face, all trace of his previous self gone on a whim.

“What’s wrong with you now Potter?”

“Evans, I’ve been thinking a lot” he started ignoring her last statement, “I see you all the time, all alone with only a book to accompany you and I think it’s time that I allowed you…free of charge… to go out with me.” James finished, a look of triumph fixed on his face.

“And what makes you think I want to go out with you” she ‘hmphed’.

“It’s okay Evans, a lot of girls are in denial to the fact that they are completely and hopelessly in love with me”

“For god’s sake James! I don’t want to go out with you!”

“I know it takes time to admit, denial is the first stage!”

“James, you can get ANY girl in the school” which was true, almost all the girls (and some of the gay guys) all adored him, “Why me?”

because your absolutely the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen! screamed a tiny voice inside his head.

“Because, Evans, I find you fascinating.” He claimed, pretending not to hear the voice, “Because out of all the years that I’ve paid SO much attention to you, you’ve never showed the slightest interest in me. So, I thought that you obviously must have been hiding it.” He said, thinking up a clever lie.

“Potter, you arrogant prat, I don’t know how you got that ridiculous idea into your thick little head but I am NOT going out with you!”

“You say that now, Evans, but you’ll come around sooner or later”

Streams of light burst down through the sky, wavering faintly as the November wind bit hard against the rosy cheeks of the shivering students. Forty-five degrees but a beautiful fall day on the course, from a distance a low hum draped the sky, vibrating in the air from the pulsating rhythm of cheers emanating from the Gryffindor and Huffelpuff crowds. The air held a crisp bite that only fall could bring and the fresh excitement of Quidditch.

“And it is a marvelous day for Quidditch!” screamed the speaker Thomas Jenkins, “Today’s game is Gryffindor versus Huffelpuff!” A sea of red and gold roared with applause as the players mounted their brooms.

Two young girls sat in the high stands of the Gryffindor students, red and gold scarves wrapped tightly around their frozen necks, and their noses red and raw to the cold nip of air.

“Go James!” screamed Willow Wickham over the cheering applause.

“Why are you rooting for him?” Lily questioned, looking up from her book.

“Why AREN’T you rooting for him?” she said smiling, “For the love of Merlin Lily, put that book down! I thought you liked Quidditch?”

“I did,” she grumbled, looking over in James’s direction who in return waved at her and then zoomed off.

“Does this have something to do with him? He’s been paying a lot of extra attention to you lately” she smiled happily.

“James asked me out” she said unexpectedly.

“Oh my gosh!” she shrieked, “He did! What did you say?” she asked eagerly.

“I said no”


“I said no, and don’t look at me that way!” Willow was starring open eyed at her with a shocked expression.

“James, the one boy who practically every girl loves asked you out and you said NO!”

Practically every girl” she sneered.


An hour of a most predictable game occurred. Gryffindor stomping meek Huffelpuff to a pulp while they barely bagged a few points. But the game was not finished yet.

James and the Hufflepuff seeker, Alden, were in top speed after a tiny fleck of golden light.

Faster and faster they went heading, ironically, straight for the stand that Lily was sitting in.

James was only ten feet away, when he called to her, “Change your mind yet?” he said laughing, Alden right on his tail and his hand outstretched to the tiny snitch which his fingers barley skimmed the edge of.

And as James grew parallel to Lily he turned his head directly to face her waiting for a reply, his hand nearly grasping the snitch, when she mouthed silently to him…

“I already have someone…”

All the color in his face vanished as an expression of horror crossed his pasty pale face. His whole body froze, as if bound by invisible ropes and his broom nearly stopped at those words. His eyes gaped open before he could do anything, Alden, behind him at full speed couldn’t stop himself and rammed straight into James causing them both to fall down…down…down and hit the ground with a loud crack!

Lily watched in horror as the scene took place and Willow gawped at her.

Lily snapped her head towards Willow “What?” she cried, at Willow’s dismay.



(What do you think? Just wait till the next chapter, muwah ha ha ha ha! (evil laugh*) . Lets just say that James gets really frustrated, and it’s actually kind of funny. And you can expect the next chapter within in a week. Ok enough, please review!=-D)

Chapter 3: The warning
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Chapter three: The warning

Swirling images of little laughing Lily’s danced around in his head, mocking and pointing at the poor injured James. His vision was scarlet, and all the Lily’s in unison whipped their beautiful hair, a leer on their smug faces and they cringed with a look of disgust as James repeatedly fell each saying that same line over and over and over again…

James blinked a few times, the vague hazy image of colors focusing with each blink. When he could see once more James finally took notice of the huge busying crowd of girls standing over him.

“Oh James, you’re alive!” shrieked one of the girls as the rest came over to witness him with their own eyes.

“Oh course he’s alive!” Madame Pumfrey called (the woman, older than what appeared) with a tug of annoyance at boy crazy girls in her voice, “He had some broken bones, not broken brains! Though…”

James eyed her with irritation, which stopped her next few words from escaping her lips.

“Pardon me…Excuse me…Excuse me!” a very frustrated looking Lily pushed through the crowd of woeful girls. “Unbelievable! Stupid…”

“Evans!” he cried joyously at first sight of her.

“James! Oh…you’re awake…” she said, frowning slightly.

“What? Were you hoping I was dead?” he cried incredulously, but with a joking laugh.

“Ah, well it just would have been easier…”

“If I had been knocked out cold?” he said, all humor now devoid in his tone and a sad seriousness token up that Lily didn’t recognize at first.

Lily looked down at the floor, knowing she shouldn’t have said that. “I’m sorry, it’s just…well it just would have been…”

“Yeah well you have a great way of showing you care about my well fare. I mean first you have me dropped nearly twenty feet from the air and then you have the nerve to tell me it would be easier for YOU to see me if I was unconscious.”

“I’m really sorry I just…”

“Can you just go? I’m not feeling too well, if you haven’t already noticed” he sneered.

Lily’s eyes filled a sort of guilty look, and nodded her head slowly turning to leave.

“Who was it?” he asked, as she was about to leave, “Who is the boy?”

“Well I don’t really know his name,” she said shyly, “He’s my pen pal”

A seething anger filled him completely and he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs with all his might as Lily shut the door.

To think that my own self beat me! I mean I suppose it’s better than anyone else, but at least if it were someone else I could dispose of them! I can’t just dispose of myself! Me, myself! My own me, beat out the famous well beloved James Potter! This absolutely ridiculous…

James sank back into his bed glowering, a sour expression covering his face; he’d never thought he could hate HIMSELF.

James heard a soft, tut tut tut, come from out of the corner of his eye.

Sirius was shaking his head in disappointment, while Remus and Peter accompanied him, “I must say Prongs, I’ve seen some pretty nasty falls but that one tops them all!”

“How you feeling?” Remus said, consolingly.

“Terrible spill, just terrible…” he heard Peter mutter to himself.

“Fine, I suppose” James breathed, ignoring all of the other statements.

Remus took his one chance at his answered question to talk, “Blimey James, really, what happened?”

James gave a hesitant sigh, “Well i…Lily sort have…”

“Oh yes Lily” said Sirius with an evil leer, raising his eyebrows up and down.

“Lily?” Remus drawled, looking back between the two, as Peter mimicked him.

Sirius leaned over and whispered everything from the letters to what happened at the Quidditch game in his ear, who in return whispered it to Peter.

Remus gave James a mixed expression of sadness, disappointment and pity in his eyes with a look that clearly read “Poor mate, what has he gotten himself into?”

“Would you stop looking at me like that?” he barked, feeling too much pressure push down on him. “…Looking at me like I’m a bloody mutt…” he mumbled, getting a critical eye from Sirius.

“James…” Remus continued, a sorrow expression filling his eyes, and shaking his head subtly, he’d been getting a lot of that lately.

James looked wildly about the room, with a hostile glare. Sirius, Remus, and Peter all looked at each other and nodded their heads gravely while James studied from aside.

“Look mate,” Sirius started with an almost bored expression, “We all knew the day would come when you would realize your feelings for Lily”

“What do you mean, ‘when the day would come’?” he roared belligerently.

The boys shook their heads again, “James…” Remus now decided to take the stand, “Ever since you met Lily we knew you were bound to like her”

“Yeah!” he bellowed, bouncing his head up and down, “Well how would you know?”

“I think it was pretty obvious” Peter now squeaked.

“She was the only girl who wasn’t intimidated or immediately drawn into you.” Remus now rejoined, “James, you alone could have every girl in this school down…” Sirius cleared his throat, looking down at his feet, “…and Sirius… down on their knees begging to go out with you, but Lily would be the only who wouldn’t. And you have to admit…”

“That’s dead hot to a guy like you!” Sirius smirked, adding in his comment.

“Sure…” he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“You have to realize James that Lily isn’t as easy as all the other girls, she’s not boy crazy or anything. She’s not afraid of you.”

“And your point is?”

“Our point is, James…” Remus continued, “That Lily is like…she’s like fire among a sea of tepid water…”

“And when you play with fire…” Peter joined.

“You can get seriously burned.” Finished Sirius.

James just gave them a cynical look.

“Be careful James” said Remus as they started to head for the door.

“Yeah? Well I don’t need to be careful!” he cried irksome, as they shut the door leaving him in a room of giggling girls.

James clenched his fists and gave a loud roar of frustration(making some of the girls jump slightly at his outburst) . He’d never had trouble with girls. And the worst of it was, there was nothing he could do about it, not a single thing

…or was there?


(oooh, I have a good idea for the next chapter, you’ll just have to wait and see! Although in many ways it seems obvious, but maybe that’s just me, hmm…thank you to all who reviewed, your support really counts, so THANK YOU! Ha ha, lol)

here’s a little snip from the next chapter…

“This, my friends,” he said now, whipping the paper so fast that it licked paper cuts on their noses as he went from boy to boy, “Is the answer to my problems!”

Sirius gave a puckish smirk at this thought, “Oh, this should be interesting.”

Chapter 4: Letters
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Chapter four: Letters…

Wind lashed the castle with tremendous force. It’s greedy fingers, rushing over the lake’s glassy surface like a stampede, landing with a sound throbbing lash on the castle’s surface. It howled and whistled with immense power, gushing around the castle, wrapping it in a blanket of swirling winds that no one dared step into. It’s grey skies threatening and obstinate, towering over Hogwarts, seizing the November wind with December temperatures.

James came back from the hospital wing the next day waving around a piece of paper in front of the three boys’ faces with a flame in his eyes.

“This, my friends,” he said now, whipping the paper so fast that it licked their noses with paper cuts as he went from boy to boy, “Is the answer to my problems!”

Sirius gave a puckish grin at this thought, “Oh, this should be interesting.”

Peter only shook his little head at James’s rash act.

“Be careful James” Remus warned.

“You’ve already given me that speech” James snapped curtly, “Now, it’s perfectly fine she prefers ‘Red dragon’ over…me” he jerked, expelling a towering eyebrow, “And if she thinks she likes ‘Red Dragon’ better that is fine too, but when I’m through with these letters she will despise him with a passion.”

“Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.” Sighed Remus lying back in his chair in the Gryffindor common room.

James shot Remus a contemptuous glance, “Yes, well we’re not all straight ‘outstanding’ prefects like little Remus here is”

“Your right Prongs, I, unlike you, can actually form ideas!” he spat, aggravated at James.

“Would you two stop bickering and quit this incessant tiff?” Sirius interrupted, both boys looked up at him.

“Since when are you the neutral one?” quarreled Remus.

“Since you weren’t” he replied sharply.

Remus cooled at those words, extremely perturbed to finally be the one IN an argument.

“Moody Moony’s just being a stupid git,” James mumbled under his breath, narrowing his eyes into thin slits of hazel.
“James, look I’m as sick of fighting as you are! But if you would only listen to me…”

“Who said I was sick of fighting?”

“Fine! Do it! Go ahead with your little plan, but I’m just warning you, for both you AND Lily’s sake, BE CAREFUL and don’t act so bloody rash all the time!” Remus relieved a breath of bitterness and coolly walked up to his dorm.

“Peter, you take my side?” he said more as a statement to himself rather than a question.

“Well, to be honest…” he puffed, timidly, backing his way up the stairs.

“But…!” however he was already out of sight before he could get another reply.

“Sirius…You take my side on this right?” James eyes gleamed, turning his focus to his pal Sirius.

I take the side of sleep” and Sirius, casually walking up the stairs after Peter.

“But it’s not even ten!”

“You, yourself are tiring enough!” he replied, out of sight completely.

And as the footsteps of both boys had gone silent he cried “Bloody hell! He has gone neutral!”


Dear Icy Flame,

Although I mentioned in previous letters that I wished to meet you, I have thought about it and think that it wouldn’t be a good idea. You really wouldn’t want to meet me; I get terrible grades, I mean, what is the point of school? I hate doing any sort of work in school; it’s just so pointless! I mean we are NEVER going to have to remember any of the rubbish that Mr. Binns class teaches! Or who wants to turn themselves into cats in transfiguration? Cats are so stupid I don’t like them either. And everything is just preparation for something, school for college, college in prep for a job, a job in prep for retirement, and retirement in prep for death! We might as well die now! Well in simple terms I just don’t think we should meet.

Yours Red Dragon

James could have kissed the letter he wrote, he thought it was that good.

Evans will never be able to like someone who hates school so much he thought as his eyes skimmed over the letter again.

This should be over before it even begins!


“So Lily, how’s your pen pal thing going?” James asked, a smile carved into his face.

Here it comes…!

“Well Potter…” she sighed, “It’s really going quite well!” she smiled, perking up.

Oh no…what the bloody hell did I do wrong now?

James was sitting in the Great Hall with the rest of his friends, he knew his mail was just about to arrive and he would find just how poorly he had done.

A large grey and black owl fluttered down to where he sat, and James pulled the letter slowly from its leg.

Dear Red Dragon,

Now I don’t know what has gotten into you, but I think that you are only saying that because you are afraid that I might not like you if we meet. But if not the case then I think you should improve yourself with school. School can be very good if you give it a chance! And I can see your point that everything is just for preparation, but it’s the experience in doing it that makes life worth it. I hope you we can still meet…

Yours, Icy Flame

He couldn’t believe it. After all the painful thought poured into those letters it was for nothing, absolutely nothing.

Lily looked at the gaping James who was sitting in the great hall, his long disheveled air hanging in his face. His eyes open wide, sparkling a deep brown that centered a pool of honey.

Hmm…James actually looks normal this year….

Something inside her squirmed a bit as she thought this, for deep down inside her she thought he was far more than normal…. far, far more….

And so it went. James would keep sending terrible letters that with each came a reason or excuse for such behavior. And James would try harder to get her, but Lily wouldn’t even give him the time of day.


The common room lay empty, darkly lined by the warm glow of the fire that cracked and licked back the angry shadows of the far corner. Lily’s soft face lit up like the sun, her creamy, milky white skin, her small mouth that spread so nicely into her smile, and her radiant eyes. He almost wished she wasn’t sleeping, just so he could gaze into those eyes. Those infinite pools of emerald, like a swirling, shimmering ocean of wonderfully endless bliss.

Lily shifted slightly in her sleep, her soft face, flawless against the warmth of the fire. Her face was that of an angel’s, sweet and innocent, angelic with long locks of crimson hair that draped down by her side. He usually would have made a comment by now, but instead as he gazed at Lily he pulled a blanket over her.


As he pulled the blanket close across her chest she lifted a hand and grasped his own.

A smile spread evenly across her face as she unconsciously held his soft hand, not letting go. Lily gently rubbed her fingers across his smooth skin, her smile broadening. James stood for a while, openmouthed, and a new sensation passing over him. For the first time…when he tenderly squeezed her hand in affection…she returned it with same feeling. And even though she was a sleep, the gesture still made his heart pound with excitement.

James sat down besides her feet, savoring her warm touch for he knew he might never experience it again. A new thought now washed over him. Maybe he should just quit this whole thing? Maybe he should just tell her, it would be so easy. And Lily would realize that it was James she loved, James…. but each time he remembered Lily saying that name she always said it with bitter resentment.

Lily moved again in her sleep, squeezing his hand even tighter. She sat up right, blinking her eyes wearily and looked directly at James. He felt a surge of warm chills shoot down his spine even though he knew she wasn’t really awake but sleep ‘moving’.

Still blinking she stared down at her hand, which held his and subtly smiled. Like a sleepy cat she started to lie back into sleeping position, but not in the same direction as before.

She did a complete 180, sleepily turning her body to face James. And then slowly she laid her tired head down on his lap, finding a comfortable position to lie in.

His whole being felt like it was tingling with pleasure, he never knew he could feel this way. James stared quietly down at her resting form, his hand still in hers. A deep longing filled him, just to reach out, just to hold her dearly to him, but out of the depth of his heart he knew he couldn’t touch Lily, he just couldn’t touch her. She was like a fragile china doll under protective glass. One touch could crack that beautiful porcelain skin.

He didn’t know why she had reached for his hand, he didn’t know why she turned to lay her head on his lap, nor did he try to know why, he just sat there, with his hand still in hers gazing at her sleeping figure.

Now Lily was obviously a restless sleeper, it was the third time she’d moved in her sleep, now nestling deeper into James.

James was still staring, even though she had reached for his hand or lay sleeping on him, he knew there was no way in telling that it was him she was dreaming about or that she even really knew she was holding James’s hand. But she was holding it, and that was all that mattered.

Lily was still shifting as he thought this, but she moved something else, her lips…

And a soft word escaped those lush lips…

A word…

Just one word…



( well that is the fourth chapter. Hm, i have a wonderful yet terrible idea for the next chapter, poor poor James, the things the i will do to him. Lol, well thanks to all that review, especially my loyal ones like Val! Lol and the rest that always review, you mean a lot. Well what do you suppose will happen next? I’m thinking of adding another character just to spice things up, which should be interesting. And also, even though Willow wasn’t in this chapter or even the last, I think I’m going to have her pop in again. But we will see…tata!)

Chapter 5: Lily's mistake and Remus's betryal
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Chapter five: Lily’s mistake and Remus’s betrayal


Lily was tossing and turning, her mind was filled with troubling thoughts; thoughts she never knew existed. And the idea kept spinning, flipping over and over in her mind like a large golden coin. But she couldn’t get rid of it.


It was there, like a splinter in her mind, to tiny to see, but it was there, and it wouldn’t show itself. That word, that stupid word she couldn’t get rid of.


Her dreams were telling her something, but she couldn’t grasp it. What was it? The puzzle pieces in her mind were connecting and a realization was found, but she couldn’t see it, it was there, but she couldn’t see it.


Lily’s eyes violently blinked open, her head that’d been shaking back and forth in a tumult of dreams looked up wildly, starring into the sleeping face of James Potter.


James instantly shook abruptly awake, muttering and stuttering about not wanting to get up.

When his laziness was pushed aside and he opened his eyes, he only kindly smiled at Lily.

Lily’s pupils turned to hard black marbles when reality came crashing down on her.

I’m sleeping on James’s lap.

I’m holding James’s hand.

I’m sleeping on his lap and holding his hand...


“James!” she cried, sitting up besides him and looking at him with an eye of incredulousness.

“Oh geez, what time is it?” James queried, stretching himself out like a cat.

“James! Why was I laying on your lap, and why are you holding me hand!”

James stretched more furiously, yawning now, “hmm…good question, why were you?”

Lily gave a low bellow, throwing her hands up in the air with tense knuckles, “Oi! James, what did you do!”

“Nothing!” he said offended, “you were the one who did all that.”

“Don’t be ridiculous James, of course I didn’t” she sneered, skepticall.

“Yeah well you wouldn’t remember now would you?”

“What do you mean?” Lily asked curiously.

“I mean, you were asleep when you did. I came over here to wake you up, but when I sat down you took my hand and…well put your head down and feel back asleep.”

Lily looked away for a moment, “Oh…”

“I take it this has happened before”

“Yeah, I have a tendency to do move around in my sleep”

“Well you also talk too,” he stated rather bluntly.

“Oh…” she said distantly, repeating the line from before.

“I didn’t mean for it happen like this you know”

“It’s ok, I…I understand”

“As do I, it’s like I said before, you can’t help the fact that your totally and completely in love with me!”

Lily gave a deep moan, “Good bye James!” she called, walking out of the portrait hole and slamming it shut.

James walked back to his dorm where as usual on a Saturday morning all the boys were still asleep, all except two.

“Oh, are the two love birds awake?” sneered a scathing voice from Sirius.

“Shut it, I don’t need that now”

“James, what did you do?” Remus asked, a stern look on his face.

“Nothing! Why does everyone accuse me of doing something wrong!”

“Because you always do, do something wrong!”

“ugh!” James rolled his eyes, walking over to his desk drawer and pulling out a slip of parchment.

Remus held a confused look, “what are you doing?”

“Sending her another letter.” He exclaimed, walking passed them and heading for the door.

“Oh yes, and this one’s a good one too, I must say” Sirius sniped, crossing his arms and raising an impish grin.

“You read my letter!” James cried, irked and vexed.

“I believe the words ‘duffer’, ‘prat’, ‘ugly’, and ‘suck-up’ were used quite repeatedly in it!” Sirius called joyously.

Remus gave James an incredulous look of shock, “You aren’t seriously thinking of sending that to Lily are you?”

“It’s my letter, I can write what ever the bloody hell I want to in it.”

“James you could seriously end up hurting her!”

“I don’t care! My plan isn’t working so I’ve GOT to go extreme!” James was reaching for the handle of the door when Remus said,

“You’ve gone way too far James, and as much as I hate to do this, I have to-PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!” Remus yelled, directing his wand at James who instantly fell to the floor.

Remus bent over and picked up the letter from the paralyzed James, “I’m real sorry you know, but I have to”

Remus walked out of room, but not before he set fire to the letter, and headed for Lily.

Sirius just sauntered over to James, a curious smile on his handsome face, “Well…would love to help, but I have a very hot girl to attend to!” Sirius just stepped over him, walking straight after Remus.

James tried to scream and call out to anyone, but only muffled cries echoing from his closed mouth escaped him, he knew it would be quite a while before anyone could help him.


Fifteen minutes later as Remus skidded to a halt he found Lily quietly reading in the library.

“Lily!” Remus ran over towards her, breathless and panting.

Lily looked up from her book, her hair straying down in her eyes, “What?”

Remus rushed over to her, breathing hard, “Lily….look I had to tell but-the letters are getting so terrible-my friend-see he’s sending-getting so terrible-had to tell-had to stop-couldn’t let you get hurt…” Remus cried, breathlessly panting and saying it all so fast Lily had to take a moment to process what he was saying.

Remus was still panting, waiting for a reply when Lily’s confused expression to that of shocked one.

“You’re talking about my pen pal?”

“Yes, see he’s…”

“Remus!” she screamed, not letting him finish and throwing her arms around him, “Remus, why didn’t you tell me sooner!”

Remus’s mouth hung open, his brows furrowed deeply together, “Tell you what?”

“Oh Remus!” she laughed jokingly, throwing her head back, “Tell me that you’re my pen pal!”

“Wait, no…no I’m not…”

But Lily wouldn’t let him finish, “It’s ok! You don’t have to pretend anymore, I know you were just nervous that I wouldn’t like you! But I couldn’t be more happier that it’s you!”

“Lily no, seriously, I’m not…”

“Look I can’t talk now! I have to go…and tell someone!” she twittered, a broad smile buttered daintily on her silken skin. Lily burst out of the library echoing as she went, “I’ll meet up with you later!”

Remus stood there for a moment, his heart pounding, shivering thoughts impregnating his body…

Lily likes me…


James gave a deep scowl, as Peter helped him up.

“I’m going to KILL Remus!” he bellowed, stretching out his stiff joints.

“I’m sure he only had the best intentions in mind”

“Don’t you give me that!” he snapped, his eyes glowing with a fierce twinge of green.

“But James…!” he called, but James could not longer hear him, he was stomping his way down the stairs.

“WHERE IS HE!” he barked, as Sirius bumped into him at the Great Hall.

“No time for that, we have to go!”

“I’m not leaving till…”

“Don’t be stupid, we have a Hogsmead trip today! And besides, Veronica said she’s bring a friend for you!” Sirius eyed a large breasted girl who smiled sweetly at him.

James growled, “I have to find…”

“Later, later! Now come on, the class is about to leave!” Sirius gave James a hard push on the back and shoved him forward. “This is going to be fun!”


Rain poured down from every direction, surging from the overwhelming tufts of endless grey clouds. The rain that’d been gushing down in buckets for weeks it seemed, never ceasing, upholding it’s power and merciless to autumn’s cool climates. Torrents of water hit the paved road like tin bullets, shooting up steaming cold mists of fog into the air. The wind whipped raucously through the air, and not a soul walked for more than a second down its cold, wet roads.

Sirius, Veronica and her friend, and a very reluctant James stepped foot inside the Three Broomsticks, shaking over the pellets of water from their coats and hair.

The four sat down at a table, laughter rose up and imbued the air, the smell of butter beer and warm food suffocating their nostrils.

A roar of laughter erupted from a table near by and James caught out of the corner of his eye, Remus, sitting with a group of people.

At once James rose up in a torrent of anger from his seat, a seething fury storming inside him, his wand pulled out sharply to his side, ready for anything.

Steadily he paced bravely towards the group, twitching with throbs of anger at each hearty laugh that discharged from Remus’s mouth.

And just a split second before he was about to call out with rage, he noticed quickly the person sitting next to him.


James stopped dead in his tracks, his fist still tightly clenched around his wand, but now he was paralyzed, he couldn’t move, he was completely nonplussed, stunned, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t breath, all he could do was stand and watch.

Lily was sitting comfortably next to Remus, and she was…. James’s eye twitched at the thought…fondling him.

She was stroking his hair in the most affectionate way, smiling deeply into his eyes and every so often giving him kisses on the cheek.

For the first time James thought he might actually cry. One of his best friends had completely betrayed him, and had taken the only girl he had ever truly desired.

James stood quite still around the hubbub, his breathing becoming erratic and with each gasp finding it more and more difficult to breath. His eyes glazed over, starring at nothing but the thought that kept reeling in his head.

Remus gave a jovial laugh but his face completely fell when he saw James standing and looking at him. And the fact that James could do nothing but stare scared him more than anything else.

His face turned solemn and when James finally looked up at him, and Remus engaged into those deep hazel eyes, he could see everything, he knew what he’d done, and he knew what James would do.

“Remus, what’s the matter? You look as if someone’s just died!” Lily worried, a fretting crease hovering between brows.

When he didn’t reply, she looked deeply into his eyes, but found he was starring at something. Lily turned her head to see what he was looking at.

“Oh James!” she called, but her voice fell flat when she saw the same expression that Remus wore on James. “uh..” she sighed, not knowing what to, looking back and forth between the two and trying to find the connection.

“Well James, I have good news!” she sounded, trying to brighten things up, “I’ve discovered who my pen pal was! It’s Remus!”

James gave a distinct sputter of a cough; he couldn’t catch his breath. James tore his eyes away from Remus, a crestfallen sadness in his eyes, “Well Evans, best of luck to the both of you” he said flatly.

Remus’s pupils widened a bit more, and as James turned to leave he cried, “James wait!”

James stood with his back to them for a while, his eyes closed hardly shut and thinking and trying not to scream. He gave a loud sigh, turning back around, and his mouth was in menacing grin, “Wait? For what? You’ve got it Remus, best of luck to you. I hope your really, really happy!” his teeth clenched in bitterness.

“James, what’s the matter?” Lily tried, worried.

He gave a sour look, “Evans…. Evans, Evans, Evans!” he fleered, throwing his hands into the air, “ When will you ever learn! Not every thing comes in a nice neat little package!”

Lily sat and watched him leave, something wasn’t right, what had he meant by a ‘nice, neat little package’? Surely he wasn’t talking about Remus…surely…

James stormed out of the bar into the cold rain. Remus instantly stood up and ran after him.

A light flickered in her eyes, before she ran out into the freezing rain after Remus and James, a light that illuminated her mind, that showed the puzzle piece in full form, but it was gone after that moment. It disappeared and it wouldn’t come back.

Lily took small quick strides keeping up with the boys whose legs were far longer compared to her tiny little ones. The rain pounded down on them, letting out its fury like the thrash of a drum, its ominous hands sounding down on their heads. Not much could be seen through the thick amount of rain but when Lily did take care to notice where they were going she saw that they were heading directly for the shrieking shack.

(ah…the shrieking shack, this should make things interesting, and I do love a good love triangle, don’t you think? Ah, don’t fret, this is STILL a lily and James story, NOT Lily and Remus, I promise you. As you can see, Remus ALSO has a thing for Lily, but the question is, will he give her up? Hmm…you’ll have to wait and see! I’m going to hurry with the next chapter but I have loads of schoolwork to do, school is such a bugger. Anyways…I hope I’ve not left you on such a sour note, well until then…tata!)

Chapter 6: The whomping willow
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Chapter six: The Whomping Willow

(A/N: The end of this chapter is a bit graphic, a word to the wise, this chapter's ending is not a pleasant one, and in this chapter and the next one will be a sensitive subject and those who are not good with graphic plots might not want to read this. Just a warning. But conintue...)

James was sprinting through the bullets of rain, his hair plastered down to his forehead, and his clothes clinging to him with rain. Running…running…faster and faster…. James turned his head around, looking to see if they were still following him.

A blur that took the form of Remus was running after him, with a smaller blur that James could only recognize with a laugh to be Lily.

Images were flashing in his eyes, Lily with Remus…. that’s all he could see…. that and his hands grasped tightly around Remus’s neck.

The shrieking shack stood precariously on the hill, looking as though about to collapse with the rain attacking it down. The small pellets blurred the distance ahead of him, making the world a vague and fearfully dark place.

The floors creaked dangerously as he darted through the house. The wood was rotting, and it smelled from the spell of rain that drenched it’s now tough timbers. James was gallivanting about the house, it’s closed windows and dark weather covering the house in a blanket of darkness as he searched aimlessly for the passage way.


Lily was running hard, her little heart pounding hard to keep up, Remus was now entering the shrieking shack and as she approached the doorway, some 20 feet behind him she hesitated.

This is ridiculous! Just go in!

But even Lily had heard the stories that whispered from ear to ear around the school, and she too like the other students had heard the terrible moans that had belched out from the it’s murky depths.

With every second she wasted standing she knew that she was losing ground. If she waited to long the both of them would have gone and be too far ahead to catch up with. So in her brave attempt to conquer her fear she burst through the screeching old door with her breath held.

She felt the stiff air hit her like a wall, the rain, which only now dripped lightly through the roofs was such a sudden change from the sheets of rain she took a moment to stop.

The metallic hum of rain suffocated her ears, the hard deluge beating down terribly on the tiny house. The house smelled of old nails and rotting wood, and the floors moaned wearily with each step she took.

The house swayed, from side to side, completely unstable.

Lily jumped and not letting another second dissipate she hurried off, her ears straining to find some useful sound in the dark that she could follow.

That’s when she heard it, the loud triumphant cry of a boy in search for an escape, James.

Following the sound she found the steps to the basement, but this time she didn’t stop and ponder, she had no time for that, she just had to find him.

The drape of darkness folded down on top her, the suffocating black pressing it’s body against her eyeballs, trying to hold her back.

Lily persisted, prodding the dark with her fingers, searching for something, anything.

When her fingers hit the wooden doorway she broke through with immense force that she couldn’t stop running as she burst through.

It was a long pathway that folded out in front of her; she couldn’t see it, but the damp smell of stone and the faraway dripping of water told her in so many other ways.

Still running she could see the outline of Remus galloping with the tiny light of his lit wand, seeming only the size of a firefly’s light.

It was James she couldn’t see…. James was too, too far ahead, but she wouldn’t give up, she couldn’t give up, but she didn’t know why.


The damp air was choking his lungs, he needed hard cold air, he needed open plans to run through, and he needed the fresh light of moon to satisfy his hunger.

James smiled inwardly as he remembered the strength and thirst he craved of becoming a hart.

He turned his head around again marking the position of the two. Lily was completely out of sight, but Remus was catching up fast, really fast.

Unable to think of anything else, in mid run he decided what to do.

In seconds, shiny fur appeared through his soft skin, he clothes began to disappear, his feet were being replaced by hard hooves that clicked the earth with wondrous force, a long snot protruded from his face and tall antlers sprang up gracefully from his head, he was a full stag.

Remus’s ear perked up as he heard too the clacking of hooves and cursed loudly, “Damn it Prongs!”

James laughed slightly to himself; he was gaining enormous speed.


Lily heard the loud cry of Remus, yelling something about damning a person named Prongs, though who he was, she didn’t know.

That’s when she could hear it too. The soft pads of running feet shifted and became hard clicks against cold rock that licked and clean swept the ground in fast gallops.

It seemed like hours of running. Panting and sweating profusely she ran, a painful stitch in her side that had been tormenting her for the past hour. She didn’t know how much more of this she could take.

A glitter of light caught Lily’s eye in the distance. It was gleaming and bright, nothing more than a spec of light in the humid, damp darkness. It was the end to the tunnel.

“Salvation!” she cried, throwing up her hands and laughing, maybe she could finally corner them at the castle.

Now she could make out the two figures of James and Remus running in the distance, wait, no….

What James form was supposed to be looked quite different from what it should have been. James looked as though he were on all fours, like an animal, running at an incredible speed for sprinting with his hands and knees. But James couldn’t…. he just couldn’t…


James’s head had been turned around as he heard the word “salvation” escape the lips of Lily Evans.

It was then that he too turned his head around to see what she was yelling over. The exit was only five feet in front of him, he was so close to getting out and he too gave a whoop of surprise, only coming out as the snort of a stag.

Cold air and rain filled his nostrils; he could smell the fresh air he’d been dying to quench.

James zoomed off, not in the direction of the castle, but the dark forest, for he knew it was the only place he could escape them.

The rain poured buckets down at him as he entered the forest, and he stopped as the forest protected him under it surroundings.

Through the leaves he saw Remus climbing out of the hole from the whomping willow, running in the completely wrong direction to the castle.

Remus disappeared behind its safe doors and James stepped out from his hiding place looking around, making sure the coast was clear.

Giving a shudder of cold he looked back at the insane tree that was waving it’s branches about in a panic under the torment of rain, trying to hit each pellet of rain as if swatting away flies.

Lily’s head popped out of the entrance, noticing the tree and making an extra effort to be careful not to get hit.

She was looking about wildly, trying to find some escape through the wild fury of branches. Lily noticed an empty spot not filled by its lashing forces and darted for it. She dipped and bobbed, skillfully moving under and jumping over thrashing branches. Like a cat she moved stealthily and James couldn’t resist but think how turned on he was by it.

Lily was moving quicker, like a burglar climbing and avoiding laser sensors, looking and watching herself when…

Lily’s eyes hit a large stag through the haze of rain. Her eyes widened and her breathing stopped. In the eyes of that animal was the vibrant twinkle of green and gold, a sparkle that was so startlingly familiar she just stopped, her heart skipped a beat, and she just stood and stared, and she didn’t know why.


But luck was not on her side, the whomping willow took up that opportunity and thrashed it’s long whip-like branch into her, right into the stomach, sending her across the field and landing with a very loud ‘thudd’ against a large tree, severely hitting her head and knocking her out.

James yelled out in all his might, wanting to scream her name but all that came out was the cry of a stag.

He stood, his eyes fiercely fixed upon her form, in complete shock, and his heart stopped for a moment. When she made no effort to move he sprinted across the green, running towards her as fast as he could go with one thought running in his head that scared him more than anything.

, Lily can’t be dead, she just couldn’t be dead, I won’t let it happen…I won’t let it happen…


Transforming back to his regular form of human he kneeled down beside Lily, feeling for a pulse.

Lily felt immensely cold…her hands were frozen and her face was pale. A large gash must have covered the back of her head, for a gushing amount of blood surged over James’s hands as he took her in his arms. James shuddered feeling Lily’s warm blood spill over his body, searching for a pulse.

She can’t be dead…she can’t be dead…she can’t be dead…she can’t be dead…

James was rocking himself back and forth thinking hard with tears starting to stream down his face. He screamed out a mournful cry, shaking not out of coldness but out of utter shock, his mind was drifting, he felt insanity filling him up. It felt inevitable, he couldn’t escape it, the world was crashing around him, nothing was real…nothing…

So, shaking crazily he took Lily’s body and wrapped his arms around her, crying loudly to himself in the pouring rain. The haze of water and rain distorted the world around them, like a dream. The world was blurred by the darkness and rain, a surreal world were nothing was certain. Time and life and death, nothing was real…time was spinning by so fast, nothing was clear, things were falling to pieces, life was a dream. A bad dream, it had to be…why couldn’t it be…the world wasn’t real…nothing was real…he was just shaking and sobbing uncontrollably because of one thing…

When James went to feel the pulse of her neck….

There was none.

(Pauses*….yeah….reflects on thought* I know…kind of shocking? I mean in the last paragraphs I wanted to make it really obvious that she was dead. ,But at the same time it’s like you don’t want to believe it as your eyes land on that last word. You know? Kind of like James, you see what’s going on, but denial always get you, and you’d never expect a writer to do something like that would you? Don’t worry, it’s NOT THE END OF THE STORY I promise, Lily does come back but in what way you’ll see. I don’t want to give away to much but I do want to stress that Lily is not out of the picture, she plays a HUGE role in the next chapters, and I’m not just talking about James contemplating her, I mean her actually person! So please keep reading. This whole ending actually came as a surprise to me too. I was so in the moment of writing I just got really carried away and then this happened! Lol, don’t worry everything will turn out ok, I do like happy endings, this is not a sad story. Well at least it doesn’t have a sad ending. Anyways, I suppose I don’t know what more to say to you but please review? Eh, you know what I mean, doesn’t matter cause I’m having so much fun with this right now. )

(Ok, now that I’ve just babbled for a long time I’ll leave you with these parting words (as a hint for the next chapter) as quoted from John Lennon,

…Reality leaves a lot of the imagination…

Chapter 7: Memory
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Chapter Seven: Memory…

James hauled her body up to the hospital wing, gently setting her down on an empty bed. Silent tears dripped down onto her face, crystallizing the angelic countenance she wore, but watching that beautiful wasted face only made him cry more. And without being able to bear it any longer he quietly walked off to his dorm and fell asleep.


The next morning James awoke at sunrise, even though it was a Sunday. All appetite for food was completely gone, he couldn’t eat and he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t do anything but think of her and try harder and harder with each passing second to hold in his tears.

Eight o’clock rolled around, Sirius sat down next to him, raising an eyebrow at his sad expression.

“What’s wrong with you this morning?” he sneered, looking down at his cold food.

James didn’t say anything.

“Hello? James? Are you in there?” Sirius chanted, waving his hands around James’s eyes as he stared distantly to his food.

“Will you just say something? Anything would be fine you know”

James blinked once, but that was the closest he came to saying anything.

“What happened? Did Lily kick you in the balls or something?” he guffawed with a laugh.

At those words James looked up at Sirius, his eyes were wet and shiny…with tears.

“James!” Sirius cried, seeing the look in his eyes. But his shock was wasted as James rose up from his table and dragged his feet away to walk around the castle.

The halls were desolate, empty except for the few portraits that adorned the walls. James lugged his feet in one direction not really caring, which way they took him. He just needed to walk and take his mind off of those matters…

Potter sure was right in the fact that he had no idea where he was going so as his body drew parallel to the open door of the hospital wing his curiosity could not be contained and he had to look in.

Her body still lay on the same bed he had put her in, why it was still there he didn’t know when a young nurse came in.

James was starring open mouthed at the body, “Something the matter?” she called, noticing his fretting face.

Managing to shut his gaping mouth he mustered hastily, “How…? Why…? How could you leave…! That’s a body lying there!” he concluded finally.

“Body? I am afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about”

James tried to speak but nothing seemed to come out so he, infuriated, pointed wildly to Lily’s body with a frantic appearance.

“So YOU were the young man who dropped off this poor soul!” she cried indignantly.


The woman stopped her temperament, reacting to the word, “It?”

“YES, IT! THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL A DEAD BODY!” He was yelling so loudly his voice echoed through the halls. Tears were starting to jump through his eyes, amazed at how easily he could just start up crying again.

“Dear me, she’s not dead!” the lady spoke, a tone of pity in her voice.

James was panting hard; tears were starting to stream down his face “She’s not?”

“Come here you poor child, sit down and tell me everything!” she cried, feeling it as her motherly duty to help the ‘poor boy’.

“I don’t understand, last night she was thrown by the whomping willow into a tree…”

“That tree is always one of the number one causes of injury here…” she interjected.

“There was blood…so much blood and it was gushing from her head…I felt for her pulse but I couldn’t find one so I just assumed…”

“Where did you check her pulse?” she asked worriedly.


“Just show me”

James indicated the spot behind his neck.

The woman looked amused, “Oh you silly boy, don’t they teach you anything about the human body in this school?” she joked laughingly, “The pulse you were looking for is right below the ear!”

“But she was so cold! Her hands and face were freezing! Just like a dead body would have been!”

“Well of course she was freezing! It was nearly below forty and it was raining, what did you expect!”

“But…I listened for her breathing but I couldn’t hear it, not anything! I couldn’t here her breath!”

“Like I said, it was raining! You could hear it pounding on the roof of the castle it was so hard. Obviously you wouldn’t be able to hear her breath!” she snorted.

“But I…!”

“You sound now as if you almost WANT her to be dead!”

“I would never want that!” he protested offended, “I just…it’s just that after all this terrible news that’s put me through so much pain…I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them lowered to an even new low for depression…. if she’s alive…I want her to be alive…for good….”

“I understand…but I swear she is perfectly fine”

James looked into the woman’s eyes and saw sincerity, “ok”

She heaved a large sigh, “I’ll leave you to think for a while, and IN the meantime I suggest that you take a nap, you don’t look like you got much sleep last night”

James obediently nodded his head as she sauntered out of the room into her office.

He walked over to her body, now seeing the rise and fall of her chest. “Well Evans…fooled me again…if only you’d be a little easy on me….”

The woman came back in after a few silent moments, “Still here?”

“Yeah…I think I’ll stay the night, I feel mostly responsible.”

“Well if you’re sure”

“Oh I am…I really am…”


Morning sprung, it’s lean fingers reaching for the dazzling blue heavens. The rain had finally stopped. The world had seemed to be reborn, giving birth to a new life, the green leaves shining with wet dew and fresh roses and flowers adorning the gardens. The rain that had troubled the castle for so many weeks had finally stopped. Golden and ivory fluffy clouds softened the sky, the air was clear; the time was quiet and peaceful. Chirping birds fluttered about the air, life seemed perfect…just the way it was…

A small cough meekly escaped the lips of Lily. Her eyes were still closed, but as the sunshine warmed her cold, cold body life seeped back into her and she found strength to wake.

Her blinking eyes moved around the room, absorbing the atmosphere and seeing a boy whose head was turned down on her bed. An inquisitive looked crossed her face and she lightly prodded the sleeping head.

James nudged in his sleep, his vision clearing as he blinked his eyes several times.

“What…?” he muttered softly, sleep still soaked well into his skin.

“Hello?” she spoke faintly, barely audible looking as he rose from his position.

“Evans!” he cried, looking at her fully awake form and throwing his arms around her in a warm embrace.

Lily sat there for a moment not doing anything, but let him pull him away.

“How are you feeling? Well obviously not too well but, Evans I’m so sorry! I mean, I saw what happened and…well yeah…”

“Er…fine? What exactly happened?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Not really, it just seems like a blur right now…”

“Well maybe that’s good, Evans you should probably just…”


“Come on Evans, it’s what I always call you, what’s with you anyways?”

“That’s my name?”

“No, no, Evans is your last name, Lily is your first name I just…” but he trailed off, realizing what was happening, Lily couldn’t remember anything.

“What did you say your name was?”


“Hmm…that’s a nice name”

His face was dumbstruck; Lily couldn’t remember anything…Lilly couldn’t remember anything…Lily couldn’t remember anything!

James rose up from his chair, searching for the nurse when he found her.

“Nothing wrong with her! NOTHING WRONG WITH HER! Evans can’t even remember her own name!” he cried anxiously. “Nothing wrong with her….” He bitterly spat, muttering it slightly more to himself than to the nurse.

The nurse jumped slightly turning around to face him. “Oh…” she exclaimed watching Lily as she happily looked around the room, “She can’t remember anything can she?”


“Well then…”

“Can’t you fix her!” he cried vexed.

“No, it’s too complicated”


“James, James James! Magic can’t solve everything! She must have hit her head on a certain point, or something. But the brain is far to complex to know everything about”


“So how can I fix something if I don’t know what’s broken?” The nurse strode away quickly, leaving him with his mouth open.

Lily was sitting quietly, her face blank, staring down into the folds of her bed. She looked up at him with a confused look.

“Ok I’m really sorry, but what again was your name?”

James mouth shut close as a new idea popped into his thick head and his eyes brightened vividly.

Lily can’t remember anything…

(Hm….she can’t recall anything. James is going to take this new power as an opportunity. Good? I think so…yes…well there’s going to have a lot happen in the next chapter, including certain things….well you’ll just have to see, must go now, tata!)

Chapter 8: Boys don't cry
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(A/N- This song inspired me for this chapter, I strongly suggest you listen to the song!)

Chapter eight: Boys Don’t Cry

Boys Don’t Cry – The Cure

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don’t cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

A cool breeze cradled her body, like an angel’s kiss on her cold skin. A warm glow from the setting sun haloed her face, her hair licking the tips of the wind, dancing in its playful gust. Her eyes squinted into the face of the golden liquid sun, as it rolled over the gentle hills of the horizon.

Wet sand massaged her legs, into its molding hands. The lake in front of her shown as a glassy field of still mirrors, her thoughts were rambling, everything seemed so different. Strange faces were constantly trying to pry her mind open. It was like she was a different person, and her old life seemed like it wasn’t hers. It was another girl’s life that she had stolen. That’s what it felt like.


James was walking silently along the shores of the glossy lake, occasionally stopping to pick up a stone and hurl it at the still waters. He had watched in the past week as Willow and Remus and all Lily’s old friends tried to remind her of her past. He watched as she was reintroduced to Remus, her boyfriend, and he watched how just as before she took in the fact with joy and pleasure. He stood aside, the last he had spoken to her was at the hospital wing when he had discovered of her injury.

James hurled an extra large stone at the rippling waters, angry and sad, thrusting it out like it was a contagious disease. Why did life have to be so cruel? Why did everything bad always happen to him? Maybe it was bad karma, maybe it was just life giving him a hard kick in his side, or maybe he was just destined to be like that forever…


Silver ripples met her cold feet. Lily looked up to see a young boy walking along its cold shores, wondering who it might be. His form was growing closer and she recognized him.

It was the boy who had first welcomed her into the strange world. He must have fallen asleep waiting for her to wake, for his head had been face down on her bed when she first woke.

He seemed out of all the people she had met, to be the only one who really had looked out for her welfare.
A somber expression crossed her face. Her first few days were so strange and though everyone had been very kind her, none of them had really walked her through any of it. All they did was ask her if she could remember them, which was always replied with the same “No, I can’t remember anything” reply. But each time she said it, it was as if no one was really listening.

The boy was only a couple hundred feet away now.

Lily’s stomach squirmed a bit. Had he been a past boyfriend? An old friend? What ever he was, he certainly was selfless and caring.


James hadn’t been paying attention when he was walking along the shores, throwing stones angrily into the lake as his mind played with him.

At first James thought he could change everything, he could be kind and good like he should have been. But with in the first few days, Lily ended up ignoring him as always, and even a bit of the old bitter resentment hid in her tone. He had even gone back to the nurse to ask her about it only hearing the terrible reply that even though she had lost her memory her instinct was still there. And that unconsciously she would act the same way and would immediately recognize who were her enemies and who weren’t. So for all the effort he had put in to being kind he still received the same reactions from her.

So it was pointless and it was now that James was finally starting to give up.

Tears were blurring his vision but he hastily wiped them away. Why was he crying over something as stupid as this?

James gave a small nervous laugh, trying to brighten himself up again. But all he was doing was performing the same routine that he always had been doing. On the outside it appeared that he just laughed at the world around him when things got tough. Just brush it off with a good laugh and that was it. But inside…inside insecurity was all he felt. It was an endless game, an addicting habit he couldn’t stop. He had been acting for so long he had forgotten about the real him. The world was just a stage in which in his automatic response was to act along with it.

Tears were streaming down his face, he was growing so angry that his teeth were clenched and at every chance he threw a rock crazily into the lake, wiping it with all his might across those calm waters, releasing his rage. How he hated the still peaceful waters of lake, how they could be so calm and quiet while inside him a storm seemed to be busting through the seams of him, unraveling him to insanity.

Why am I crying? This is ridiculous! I am a man! Men don’t cry over such foolish things! Boys don’t cry…

James was furiously rubbing his eyes, his eyebrows were deeply furrowed together, the crease between his eyes quivering.

But through these days he had been just hiding the tears in his eyes. ‘Cause boys didn’t cry…Boys don’t cry…

James collapsed at this, relieving bitter sobs that emitted from his shivering body. He would give almost anything just to have the old Lily back.

As impossible as it seemed, things had gotten worse. Lily no longer even talked him. Why should she? She didn’t remember anything, so why should she feel bad for forgetting him? It was as if he had never existed in her life. Like he was wiped away off the slate. He was gone…and so was she….


Lily wished she could talk to the boy, but it seemed every chance she got, someone just dragged her away to try and remember other things. And things were looking bad too. Sometimes people never remembered anything for the rest of their life and in the past week, nothing had struck her as familiar.

Lily’s face turned curious, the boy had first called her Evans. But the odd thing was, was that he was the only one who had called her that. Why though? Obviously they must have had some sort of interesting relationship. But no matter how hard she tried, nothing came to mind.

Observing the boy carefully, she now realized that he was curled over in the sand. Hands in his face as if he was…. crying?

Her eyes widened, should she go over there and talk to him? Something in her, told her that this was unlike him. The image in her head did not registered that this had happened before.

Franticly standing up, she briskly walked over to him; maybe there was something she could do to help?


Still bitterly sobbing, James looked up through his hands. A girl was running towards him…a girl…it was Lily.

Oh shit.


Lily was running towards him, but the boy had seen her. He was standing up, a frantic look in his eyes. Not knowing what else to do, he got up and ran away.

“Bloody hell!” she cried tiredly. Searching her mind she tried to recall the name he told her at the hospital wing but she couldn’t remember.

“Wait! J-!” It started with a ‘J’ she was sure.

Jimmy, Jeremy, John, Jorge, Jesse, Julian…bloody hell what was it!!

Lily’s pupils were bulging; they were running around the lake at top speed.

Joshua, Justin, Johnny, Jayden…

It was starting to become pointless…

Jason, Jamison, Jamie, James…

Something clicked in her mind, “James…” It sounded so familiar it had to be…

“James!” she called earnestly, she wasn’t going to lose him.

Immediately the boy’s pace started to slow, obviously he recognized it.

When he had come to a full stop he stood with his back to Lily.

Lily approached him slowly and tapped him on the shoulder, whispering gently in his ear, “James?”

James turned around, looking her full in the eyes, those starling eyes shaking her from her ground.

“Why were you…what’s the matter?” she asked softly.

James sat down on the cold sand, taking a moment to respond as she sat down beside him.

“Nothing” he answered numbly.

Lily waited a moment, “Then why were you crying?”

“I wasn’t crying!” he barked automatically, “And besides…” he continued calmly, “Boys don’t cry”

Lily gave skeptic laugh of amusement, “Oh stop trying to be so macho all the time and for once just tell me why!”

James gave her a bemused look of hilarity, “I suppose no matter what, memory or no memory you’ve just engraved your impression of me into your mind for all eternity”

Lily gave a wry smile, “Hm…funny…”


“It’s just…I’ve tried so hard to recognize things that should seem familiar but nothing ever comes to mind. Yet here I am with you and I’m constantly finding moments where I have familiar thoughts”

“I guess I just bring out the best in you!” he gave a nervous laugh and a distant look crossed his face.

“Why were you crying?” She inquired timidly, backing up to the topic.

“ I told you! It was nothing!” he cried bitterly.

“Ok, I just…wanted to know…”

“Well you should get your nose out of other people’s business!”

“ I didn’t mean to offend…”

“Yeah I know.” James muttered, sounding resentful rather than sympathetic. “So tell me what you have discovered about your previous life”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Eh…sentimental reasons…” James could have slapped himself in the forehead, but instead blushed vigorously at his rash answer. It was the only time he actually wished he could have thought before he spoke.

“Oh…” Lily said smiling; she could tell he hadn’t meant to say that.

“Look I didn’t mean it that way!” he tried.

“Sure…Well nothing much though if you must know. But the one thing I have found are these letters.”

“Indeed?” he said raising an eyebrow at this comment.

“They’re from some secret pen pal that everyone says is supposed to be Remus.”

“Supposed to be?”

“Yeah…that’s just it, I reread them all and it doesn’t make sense and as much as he is a nice guy, I just don’t like him like…that…”

James smiled secretly to himself.

“I mean you seem more like my pen pal than Remus!” she stated casually, though the thought had been playing in her mind for some time now.

“Really? How so?”

“First of all my pen pal is totally insecure!”

“And you’re saying that I am?”

Lily gave a reflective look of thought, “Well…you act like the world is a joke, but I think it’s just a defense mechanism. See I’ve been watching you and…”

“You’ve been watching me?” he said surprised.

Now it was Lily’s turn to blush, “What I mean is, that I’ve noticed you and well I think you laugh outwardly to show that nothing can bother you, when in reality you are crumbling on the inside. Like the more you laugh the more terrible things are getting. And people mistake your way of expressing sadness for happiness!”

James had no idea how to respond to this, it was as if she was reading his thoughts.

“It’s funny, cause now that I’ve lost my memory, everything has become illuminated and clear. Like friendship and rivalry and old memories aren’t there to influence my answer. I get a new chance, an outsiders view.”

She paused for a moment, “I was right wasn’t I?”

James nodded his head.

“So you and Remus…” he said quietly, wanting to change the subject to his curious issue.

“Me and Remus?”

James looked surprised, “Yeah, didn’t he tell you that you two were…” he trailed off looking at her steadily.

“Remus never said he was my boyfriend” she said bemused.

James bit his lip and his stomach did a few involuntary flips.

“Hey, did we know each other before?” she asked casually, looking out across the lake.

This was his chance. He could tell her that he was her boy friend this was it!

Don’t you even think about it

A little voice inside his head interrupted.

She will eventually get her memory back and when she does she will not be too happy

Who cares? Once she realizes how much she loves me it won’t matter!

What if she doesn’t

James shuddered inside.

Don’t say that

Well it could be true!

Just don’t…

When she finds out what you’ve done she’s going to be so pissed!

I don’t care! It’s my last chance!

I’m warning you that if you do…


Anger burned his skin as he turned to Lily, fiercely glaring at her and she shuddered, “Yeah, we did know each other!” he exclaimed vigorously.

Liily looked as if someone had slapped her, “We did? Then why didn’t you approach me in the past week if we were?”

James’s mind raced, he had to think fast. “See I could never get you alone to talk to you because no one knew we knew each other.”

Lily looked confused.

“I was you’re boyfriend”

(Geez, I had a tough time ending this chapter. I always love to leave you with a cliffy, but this was hard. So the boyfriend…hm….this is going to be interesting. But yes, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I like to switch between points of views, see the problem with only one point of view is the biased opinion of the character. But anyways, I don’t know…good? Hope so, always do…well then, yes…tata!)

Chapter 9: Lost
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Chapter nine: Lost

The Great Hall was congested with students; Christmas was the talk of the Hall, as it were only a few weeks away. The conditions outside however had turned once again to the worst. Rain, rain and more rain. But inside warmth and happiness could be found anywhere but not where James was.

James sat down quietly across from Remus who in return stared up at him.

“Remus, you never told Lily you were her girlfriend?” he asked anxiously.

A smile spread evenly across his thin lips, “You’re talking to me again!” he burst out joyously.

“ I won’t if you don’t tell me!” he said seriously. All of the boys’ attention was now turned to James.

Remus gave a chuckle, “No, I never told her.” He paused for a moment, taking it to reflect upon his actions, “I’m really sorry James, I never meant to hurt you. But now all can be restored, Lily will never know that I was ever her boyfriend and you can move in” he said calmly, thinking this would make James happy.

But it didn’t, “you were never her boyfriend to begin with, she only THOUGHT she liked you”

Remus stayed quiet, he couldn’t think of anything to say.

“By the way if you think you’re off the hook your not” James continued bitterly.

“But James! Lily! She’ll never know you-“

“You idiot! Eventually Lily will get her memory back and eventually she will remember that you were her boyfriend not me”

“Right…” he said quietly.

“You’ve got a long way before I can ever call you ‘friend’ again.” He spat resentfully. With that James angrily walked away from the table with out any supper in him, which only made him even more upset.

Remus just sat there for a moment when a few words from what James said lingered in his mind, “not me


The library isles were deathly deserted, after school on Fridays it was never obtained anyone, except for a small red headed girl who sat quietly near the window reading her book.

“Evans!” an arrogant voice barked pugnaciously.

Lily expectantly looked up from her book, by now she knew that he only called her ‘Evans’. In fact not once that she had talked to him, had he called her Lily. Occasionally he might call her carrot top or any other form of insult as a friendly joke, but never did he dare to call her by her first name.

She smiled widely at him.

“I’m glad I found you alone, I need to talk to you,” he stated mildly, sitting down and outstretching his lanky legs on the table.

“And what--“ Agitated, Lily forcefully pushed his wet shoes off her book landing with a ‘clunk’ on the hard floor, “--is it that you wish to speak to me about?” she finished quite calmly.

“Well you see I-“ he stopped for a moment, taking it to contemplate what he wished to say.

“I wanted to grab you to hide in a class room and have a good snog”

“James you insensitive jerk! I hardly even know you and you’re already pushing me this fast! Asshole!” Lily smacked him clean across the face storming out of the library stomping her feet all the way.

James shook himself from this thought.

Better not to say something like that…

“I wanted to tell you that I’m willing to take it slow with you because everything will appear new to you” he said calmly, complacent at his words.

“That’s very sweet of you!” she cried sweetly. “I was also meaning to talk to you about something”

After blushing from actually doing something sweet for once in his life he turned his attention towards her, “What?”

“Well since you obviously know everything about me, you know about my letters, the one from my pen pal”

James nodded his head, hesitant at first but continued to listen.

“Well I’m missing one of them,” she said blankly.

“Which one?”

“James you bloody duffer, how do I know which one it is if I’ve never read it!” Lily squeaked, rocking back in her chair.

“Well how did you know it was gone in the first place if you don’t even know what it said?”

“Well you see that’s just it-“ she started, completely missing the derogatory remark, “All these letters after it make reference to it. They all talk about the ‘dark secret’ in the letter previous but that letter can’t be found anywhere!”

James’s breathe stopped short, he knew exactly what letter she was talking about. Lily reading it minded him none, but someone else reading it disturbed him so much he gave a small shudder just sitting and listening to Lily say it.

“James? What’s the matter you look awful frightened!”

James sat still, very still.

A new expression started to spread over her face, “James do you know of the letter?!?”


“Do you?!” eagerly she questioned.

“I-I—“ Something flashed in James eyes, it was a thought that made him jump up from his seat and run out the door.

Lily frowned.

Was it something I said?

Lily stared down at the floor when she heard a small mocking cough.

She looked up surprisingly to see a small boy whose clothes were black to match his shiny sable greasy stringed hair. Only a small green pin gave away the fact that he was a slytherin.

The greasy-haired boy smirked cunning, his thin lips curving up to reveal sharp pointy teeth.

I know where you letter is”

Lily’s eyes widened sharply, “Do I know you?”

The greasy-haired boy inhaled a large breath of animosity, smiling malevolently at her…

“Severus…Severus Snape…


(Giggles* hm…you know for like 3 days I had no idea how to end this chapter but then I saw the words ‘Snape’ somewhere and it hit me! This ending! And finally I could finish it! Yeah…so you can guess what is going to happen…I think….lol….anyways…I shall say no more..tata!!)

Chapter 10: A Death Dance
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Chapter ten: Death Dance

(A/N- sooooooo sorry this took so long. Like two weeks ago my grandmother died and we had to go down to New jersey which for like a few days. When I got back I had so many tests and projects to work on I had almost no time to work on it, and then the next I had a HUGE history project. So I guess you could say I was busy, lol, I hope this lives up to your standards….toodles….)

Snape strode casually beside Lily, his black greasy hair playing dangerously around his eyes, giving those black darting pupils an even more unsettling sensation that shot chills rapidly down her spine.

“So…” Lily whispered, deepening into her seat as he walked closer to her, “If you know where the letter is…. then….where is it?”

The boy called Snape gave a menacing smirk, his pale thin lips curving into a, some how, infamous expression.

“You always had such nice hair” he smirked curtly, placing himself in a seat beside her and twirling his white bony, skeletal fingers through her silken locks.

Lily instinctively moved her head away, sliding her hand down her head and combing his spidery fingers out of her hair.

“What are you doing?” she cried, her eyes like round saucers as she stared at the boy.

The boy eased off, lying back in his chair, giving a casual shrug, “What ever I please”

“You speak, boy, with an authority and arrogance that you do not own! So PLEASE…do-not-touch-me!”

He heaved a sigh of amusement giving another shrug, “Doesn’t matter, mutts are to dirty for my taste”

Lily’s snarled, pulling out her wand, “You want to say that again?”

He gave a wicked laugh, a white hot ember burning in his eyes that made Lily shiver, “I could but it wouldn’t make a difference, I have what you want”

“It’s a stupid letter, you can have it. I don’t need to know what it says!”

He gave another laugh, “You obviously don’t know what I possess here do you?”

“But it’s just a letter?”

His eyes widened, those black obsidian pupils growing harder, “I have blackmail”

“Not on me, that’s my pen mate’s letter” she sneered triumphantly, bringing up the edge of her mouth.

“You make me laugh Lily! Stupidity and ignorance really seem to suit you!”

“I lost my memory you dimwit, if you don’t remember!”

“All the same…look I’m willing to strike a deal with you if your up for it” he smirked, leaning forward in his chair so that his hair hung like dead spiders in his face.

“What kind of a deal?” she asked gingerly.

“You must tell me whose letter it is”

“Or…!” she smiled more brightly, a look of insane amusement in her, “I can kick your arse and you give me back my letter!”

He gave a soft chuckle, “If you do that I have a charm over it that will destroy your precious letter instantly if you do anything to offend me”

She growled, “Fine…and that’s all?”

“Yes, that’s all” he fleered, his mouth emphasizing the words.

“It’s Remus then”

He gave a soft laugh, “I don’t think you understand me…” He hissed gently, “I said WHO is it?” he mocked skeptically.

“I’m serious! That’s who it is!” she protested pugnaciously.

“You’d be smart not to trifle with me girl, now, WHO IS IT!”

“I’m TRYING to tell you, but you won’t listen!”

He sighed one last time, clenching his teeth in bitter defeat, “Then you’re more stupid than I thought you were”

The boy stood and turned on his heel, his long midnight black cape swaying with closure as it kissed the air with goodbye just as the door shut.

Lily sat quietly alone in the Library, pondering.

Great…I have no memory, didn’t get the letter and according to this Severus boy I’m stupid too! OH I can’t wait to find all the other wonderful things about me!



Remus Lupin turned around to face the timid Lily Evans.

“Lily!” he smiled congenially, embracing her in a friendly hug, “How are you?”

“Good…but I just came here to ask you a question”

Lily and Remus were standing quietly in the warm cozy Gryffindor common room, Remus who had just been working on his studies. A dreamy halo cast it’s spell over the room, and a bubble of fire light surrounded them, all other parts of the room a gray blur.

“Well what is it?” he smiled growing warmly.

“I just…more so…wanted to confirm something” her emerald eyes had been wandering, avoiding that gaze, that innocent perfect gaze, when they met.

“I just…well…you are Red Dragon, right?”

Remus gave a funny gaze, “Who’s Red Dragon?”

Lily smiled slightly to herself, “Uh-no one…” A small spark of familiarity sparked and an image flashed in her head, it was of Remus and her, and from what she could tell, they had been together.

“Hey, Remus….before my accident, were we….together?’

“Lily, are you remembering?” he asked anxiously, helping her sit down.

“Yeah-“ she said, faintly smiling, pressing her fingers to her forehead, “We were, weren’t we?”

He nodded subtly, “I thought I would tell you later”

Her smile fell, “Then James really isn’t…”

“isn’t what? Lily, did he tell you that he was dating you!” he spoke, his voice raising in anger.

But Lily wasn’t listening, “Lies…all lies…all this time…everything is just one big lie…”

“I’m so sorry Lily, James tends to do things like that, I promise I’ll kill him when I find him”

Her head was shaking, an unstable smile fixed on her face, “No…you’re just as bad…all of you…everything’s just a lie…” A sudden realization was hitting her, James had lied, Remus had lied, even her friends had lied to her…everything she’d heard could have been completely false…everyone she’d trusted had betrayed her. She couldn’t remember anything and they had taken advantage of her, she now was alone, all alone. She couldn’t trust anyone, who could she trust? She didn’t know anyone, her whole life, what everyone had told her, could all be a lie…just one big lie…James had lied…he had tricked her…and the worst of it was…she almost actually thought she felt the same.

Lily stood up from her chair, starting to run out of the room.

“Lily wait!” He called, but she was running and there was no stopping her.

The corridors were getting darker as she treaded deeper into the castles dungeons. Tears were streaming her face, faces were passing her, everything was blur, she just knew she had to go there…there…

A small greasy haired boy sat alone in the cold dungeon’s room as she skidded into it.

“Where is it!” she harshly whispered, her body trembling.

“Where’s what?” he answered lazily.

“Letter…..I need it….now!” her eyes were twitching madly as she watched that smirk reappear on his pale skin.

“Oooh, a little cranky today are we?”

“REMUS ISN’T THE ONE WRITING THE LETTER—“ she said quickly, her volume rising his panic.

Severus blinked his long sable lashes distinctly, “Well know that you know that, then who is it?”

“I-don’t-know-who-it-is” she spoke, her wand was out now, quivering in her frozen hand.

“I SAID I need that letter NOW!” Lily roared, her breathing becoming irregular, extending her wand further so her whole arm was quivering.

Severus’s eyes widened as he slowly reached into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled piece of parchment.

Fervidly she grabbed it, and running straight out of the dungeon, pacing herself, she needed to run away somewhere, so she let her intuition take her there…there to the whomping willow.

The large tree stood ominously in the gray dark, it’s frantic branches quivering fervently. And the arms called to her, as the whip and whistle reached her ears. White puffs of breathe hung dead in the air, like the men hung on nooses on cold December days. Her panting was growing stronger, she felt that image call to her and she let it consume her.

An arm reached out and grabbed her, and her eyes tore away from the familiar image.

“Evans!” a recognizable voice cheered. “I wanted to show you something!”

Lily turned wide-eyed to face James, her pupils throbbing, growing smaller, larger, smaller larger, they couldn’t remain still. She wanted to scream; hot steamy tears dripped slowly and morosely down her damp cheeks.

“Evans?” But James couldn’t see those sorrowful tears, he couldn’t reach that pain, for the deception of rain had hid those beautiful tears. The cold rain was the only distinction she could differ that from warm salty tears that burned her eyes.

Lily couldn’t think, not just of what to say, but what to do…except run…to that familiar image.

She wrenched her arm free, her feet pushing forward, running into the open arms of the tree. Her fists were still clenched around the letter, when she shoved it into her pocket.

The rain slid down harder and harder and everything seemed so familiar. The rain, the tree, James, running, everything…it was like she was reliving something.

“Evans!” James called he couldn’t understand it, why would she run?

His heart beat a little faster.

Oh god, she must remember

Immediately he started after her, his heels kicking up greasy mud that slid under his toes.

Lily was almost there. She ducked, a large whip-like branch lashing in her direction.

Dip. Duck. Dive…Dip. Duck. Dive…Dip. Duck. Dive

She was finding a rhythmic pattern to the movement of branches, dancing magically as it bent her to its will.

James was watching her, he had come as close as possible with out being hit. But that wasn’t the only reason he stopped. His eyes were greedily watching her. She was cat-like, moving like a ballerina in some cadent dance she swiftly moved to. Her lithe body bent smoothly around the thundering brush, finding pattern to its chaotic motion to form a complex and beautiful dance of death.

Lily’s breathing was easing, her damp clothes pressed against the rough tree bark and she was free from harm. A swarm of branches swatting around her, she felt safe from everything, away from all, but still there was an itch in her mind.

It seemed too familiar. But she didn’t know why.


James’s feet crunched as he took a step forward. He looked down.

A muddy piece of parchment lay beneath his feet, the letter.

Slowly picking it up he unfolded it, barely able to make out the scrawled handwriting through the mud and grimy water.


Lily’s heart pumped faster as her hand dove into her pocket, the letter was gone, it had fallen out.

She looked up, he was holding it, in his hands, and carefully his lips started to from words.


He began reading; starting from the very beginning…it was time…

“My dearest friend, Icy flame…

Now I suppose it is my turn to tell you my secret…and I have been dreading it since I first knew I would have to tell you…”

(A/N- cliffy! Ha ha, I hope it was a good one. Lol, yes…well you will see just what the letter holds, though I think I might have to change it only because of the content. We will see. That would be a pity. Indeed, anyways…again sorry I took me so long to get this out, so busy! Lol, well…until next time…)

Chapter 11: The Epiphany of Memories
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Chapter 11: The Epiphany of Memories

(A/N- this chapter is UBBER long by the way (te he…ubber..) anyways the other thing I wish to say is that this chapter contains a bit of a sensitive subject issue, and I am praying this has the appropriate rating for this…lol…have fun…

Pellets of rain splashed the muddy waters surrounding his feet. The sky had turned a dark charcoal, a presage to the requisite he would perform. Thoughts were now crawling out from the cobwebs of his mind, surging forward to overwhelm him. And they kept hitting him, now, as he gingerly picked up the muddy piece of parchment.

His lips felt numb, he knew if he were to do this…everything would change…but he knew it would be the only way her memory might have a chance to be restored.

He wanted to laugh, as he remembered thinking why he couldn’t tell anyone. it would ruin he reputation. No it had nothing to do with reputation, it wasn’t humiliating or stupid it was just painful…and the only thing he could do to keep it out of his mind was denial…he was turning it into something it wasn’t…he had made it into an issue that didn’t truly matter…so why did he then?

A memory flashed in his eyes as he remembered years ago what had happened in Dumbledore’s office…


Yes, James Potter was very familiar with the term. It had been one of those tough months, remembering his terrible secret…one of those months were he would go on sprees of pranks getting detention slips left and right…just to keep his mind off of it.

He was sent up there, because many of the teachers were worried. So he waited. Patiently he waited in the office for Dumbledore to enter, but that wasn’t what he recalled.

The silence in the room grew loud, hissing in his ears he could almost hear it if that was possible.


Yep…he was hearing things.


Or maybe he wasn’t?

James looked up, finding himself starring into what he supposed were the eyes though more rather ‘folds’ of an old torn hat.

The sorting hat. So he was going insane.


He looked carefully at it, was it talking to him, like during the sorting?


“What!” he cried, irked at the many times hearing the words, “potter” over and over.

“You really need to learn how to control your feelings, you don’t look like you’re doing well”

James scoffed at this, “Of course I’m not doing well! I’ve got like twenty detentions!”

In the wrinkles and folds he could discern a frown.

“I wasn’t talking about that”

James froze, “how do you know about that?”

“I’ve known since I first sorted you, obviously, looking around in your head, you have an interesting and dark history, something does haunt you, even now does it not?”

He sat frozen.

“You could use help”

“I’m not telling any teachers!” he snapped, edging up a bit.

“I never said you should tell teachers. May I suggest you find someone to confide in? Like a friend, the Lily girl would be good, may I be correct to assume you fancy her?”

He nearly jumped from his seat at this accusation, ”Of course not!”

“Suit yourself, but it would be good” it replied calmly.

James growled, “I can’t”

The hat stiffened, as those worried and disappointed, “You can…you just are too afraid”

James awoke from this dream, what could he be afraid of?

He moved his eyes away from the letter to look at Lily, leaning bravely against the whomping willow unharmed. He bit his lip, irony had it’s twisted sense of humor.

So he would read, it wouldn’t be easy…but he would do it…not for himself…but for her.

Meticulously he began reading, careful to enunciate and project his voice through the thundering clouds….if he had to do it, he would do it right…

“My dearest friend, Icy flame…

Now I suppose it is my turn to tell you my secret…and I have been dreading it since I first knew I would have to tell you…”

I don’t know how to tell you, maybe that’s because I’ve never told anyone, not my mother nor my father, no friends or family, not even my closest friend, no one. It was many years ago that I could remember, when I was maybe 10 or 11, what ever the age…before Hogwarts or any of my…gang…all I had was me and my best friend Julia…

It was summer, and each year all I would do was have Julia come over my house, we were never seen apart. Her mother had died when she was young and her dad was usually always at work in the summer, which is why I’d never been to her house. I was so young so I didn’t think much when I would find an occasional bruise or cut on her…

There was a creek in her backyard, surrounded by a large forest; her father had built a bridge, a tall bridge, some 10 to 20 feet above it. We used to play on that bridge all the time, there was no railing on it, but that was so we could sit with our feet hanging over the edge.

It was one evening when I was walking to her house, I wanted to surprise her, and so I went and knocked on the door. No one answered but her dad’s car was in the driveway. Not caring, I pushed open the door that was slightly ajar. I heard something coming from the basement so I went to listen. I noticed bottles everywhere, and they smelled funny...they had beer in them…

I could hear him yelling, and I heard her...she was screaming…but I didn’t understand. I heard pounding, as feet stomped up the stairs. Julia had come running…tears soaked on her face, she was carrying her arm, and I saw blood…She ran frantically out the door, screaming...then I saw her father.

When I had seen him the few times I had he was nice, all of the parents in town loved him...but when he looked at me…I saw a crazed flame burning in his eyes. All I could do was stare. I guess he decided I wasn’t worth it because he just ran right past me.

I followed them, watching him chase her as she ran for the bridge…the bridge…it was always slippery during the summer rain…now especially. Julia was running, and she was making her way across the bridge when her father caught her. He gripped her arm, raising his hand to strike her, but she managed to pull away. And she ran, and she was almost there, but the bridge was so slippery, her feet… they slipped, and with out the railing, I watched she fell down 15 feet into the rocky creek, and I heard the crumple of bones against rock, and her scream…as she tragically fell…her last gasp of breath…that haunting last shriek that filled the air…

I didn’t understand what had happened at first…everything had happened so fast.

Her father looked up at me then…wiping his drooling mouth he looked me hard in the eyes and said something…I’ll never forget those words…those drunken and slurred words that came out of his mouth,

“You tell a soul you little shit! And I’ll make sure you’ll have the same accident as her!”

It was a few days later when they found her body. They said that she hit her head and drowned unconscious floating down stream. No one ever knew what really happened, just me and her old man…they thought the bruises and broken bones came from the fall…but I knew…

I never told anyone…I was scared to death to say anything…so I kept my mouth shut all these years. I don’t know where her father is at the moment, but now I live with this guilt that I could have saved her.

I don’t really know how to conclude this, all I guess I can say now is…well at least someone knows…someone.

Red Dragon.

James gave a nervous laugh as he finished…he hadn’t realized it but tears were casually falling and dripping from his cheek.

James’ knees crumpled beneath him and he felt his calves hit the muddy cold earth. Memories started to consumer him, eat at him alive, like acid. He’d never told anyone…memories of Lily’s accident started to mingle with Julia’s…he had never told anyone…He was remembering everything now. Why he acted the way he did.

He hadn’t always been the egotistical conceited prankster that he was now…it had started oddly enough, the next school year after what had happened.

He had been nice and quiet, that was the summer where they would return to school and start to attend Hogwarts…that was when everything had changed.

It was his first day that he remembered meeting Evans…well, Lily…He had been sitting quietly, still contemplating what had happened and with out being aware of it a tear had slid down his cheek.

“Are you alright?” a small girl with crimson hair and emerald eyes had slowly approached him, from the other side of the Great hall.

He looked up; his eyes still a bit watery, “Fine!”

“You don’t look fine…you were crying” she spoke bluntly, sitting down beside him.

Hastily he wiped his cheeks, “I wasn’t crying”

“That’s fine” she said soothingly, “I’m Lily Evans, what’s yours?”


She smiled, it had been so long since anyone had smiled at him like that, only Julia smiled that way….

“Anyways…boys’ don’t cry” he declared softly.

The girl gave a laugh at this, “Yes they do, everyone cries, even boys” she snorted matter-of-factly.

“No they don’t…I don’t cry!” he retaliated quickly.

“But you just did!” Lily snarled, her beautiful red hair shaking a bit.

“No I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!”

“No I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!”

“No I didn’t!”

“Look, we aren’t getting anyways with this, all it is that we’re doing is just a series of game saying in which one contradicts the other!”

“I didn’t cry”

“AHHH!” she screamed, her knuckles tense and clenched, making hand motions to choke his neck.

“A little bit cranky are we?”

She shot him a death glare, then said in her all knowing voice with her nose turned up, “I think you were crying because you don’t have any friends!”

James pouted, “I have friends!”

“Alright…who then?”

He looked around, searching for someone…anyone.

A tall boy with messy black stood with a most original and unusual smirk prescribed on his face.


Lily looked over at the boy frowning. But her frown soon disappeared, “Oi! You there! Come here!”

James’ mouth fell open in shock, “What are you doing!”

The girl ignored him, dragging the boy over to James, “Alright…this boy…er…Potter…says you are his best friend!”

“Really?” the boy smirked, he always knew he had been popular but not like this.

“Yeah…we go way back! I mean, a boy so popular as myself can’t be without friends!” James cheered nervously, he didn’t know why he had said that, but something in him made him.

The boy looked at him, ”hm…arrogant…loud…mischievous….i think I like this boy!”

The boy, catching on, smiled and put his arm around him, “Of course! We’re the famous duo! Sirius and…and…” he paused.

“James!” Potter finished smiling…now having completely forgotten the whole crying thing.

“Fine…” she grumbled, “Whatever!” Lily tossed her hair back and walked away.

But as she sauntered away a new spark ignited in him as a word popped into his head and dramatically he called, “Have a lovely day Evans!”

The memory faded from his mind, a smile was oddly placed on his lips as he had remembered those good times.

“Evans…” he murmured softly to himself, it was the first time he had ever called her that.

Soon James started to relive other memories…it was the reason he was friends with Remus. He was a good quiet boy, the boy he used to be. The intelligent and sensible boy everyone loved.

And Peter…peter was the small timid boy. He was good but quiet…and often pitied…. something James always feared to become. Maybe that was why he never told anyone about what happened, because he would be sent away to go to some shrink, pitied and looked down on. It was his greatest fear. He had befriended Peter because he sympathized him; he wanted to turn him around.

And last…his best pal Sirius…the friend he had greatly admired from when he first met him. The boy who wasn’t afraid of anything, but still had problems, like him, and together they could help each other to deal with them. Sirius was the popular loved boy, the person he strived to be.

Something hit James at once…his three best friends….they all seemed to symbolize something…something that was apart of him…that made him up…his three best mates….

the boy he used to be…the boy he was and wanted to be…and the boy he feared to be….

A large shadow crossed his path, eclipsing the rainy light.

Turning his head up from his hands, he squinted throw the bullets of rain, Lily was standing over him, looking softly down at him and gently she whispered smiling like someone he’d known along time ago,

“Are you alright?”


(Ah…well…yes…so I had to end there, unless you wanted a chapter twice as long, but it just seemed so natural to end there, so I did. Did anyone catch the allusion I made from the last line? It was supposed to be obvious, but then again, there will always be people like me who take FOREVER to figure something out. Lol, anyways, the scene is not over yet, much more will happen, and I’m expecting another long chapter, if you don’t mind. So be prepared….i think….lol, Anyways…Ciao darlings!)

Chapter 12: The other side
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Chapter 12: the other side

Lily’s POV (During the time of the last chapter)

Lily’s chest was heaving as she reached the whomping willow, rain slicked through her maroon hair like thick grease. Thick puffs of white, hot breath steamed from her mouth, floating and falling heavily to the ground from the pouring rain.

Gulping back another deep breath of air she turned to look at the far away James. He was rising from a crouching position, as if he were picking up something. Strangely as he rose into composure his expression changed. He became glazed over.

Lily looked away, down at her feet, nervously contemplating, however doing it at the very moment James looked up to her.

Lily looked back over, doing so James looked away also, both constantly avoiding each other’s gaze. He was starring at something; it looked to be a piece of parchment he had found on the ground.


Frantically Lily’s hands dove into her pockets, trembling as they searched for the letter.

Bloody hell…

She sighed, her back now pressing supportably into the rough wet bark of the tree.

He had the letter…and there was nothing she could do about it.

Lily’s mind was racing, jumping to all sorts of thoughts when sweet sounds intervened…

Softly words floated in the air. Growing stronger with each sound that rung through the rain, meeting her ear fervently.

“My dearest friend, Icy flame…

Now I suppose it is my turn to tell you my secret…and I have been dreading it since I first knew I would have to tell you…”

A thought emerged in her, he had lied about her personal relations with him, maybe he had lied about this?

Anger chocked her, she didn’t want to hear him read.

”I know all about the letters…” she recalled bitterly him telling her this one afternoon.

Sure he did. And now he was reading her private letters…this was illegal! You couldn’t go through someone’s mail!

Her teeth were clenched tight; she couldn’t take it anymore…she couldn’t stand to just let this happen.

The next lily new, her feet had sprung to life, and once again she was bobbing and ducking from the whipping branches of the whomping willow, back through the whirl, into the rain…and into James.

Maybe she was imagining things, maybe she just too tired, maybe she was just too upset, but she swore, that through the haze of rain, even through the raindrops rolling down his cheeks, she saw tears drip slowly from his eyes.

She stopped. She didn’t know why…but she stopped…and for once…she listened.

She listened to the sad tale of the letter; pounding on her heart, perniciously tearing at her.

When he stopped her feet had subconsciously began to move towards him again.

The whirl of words and imagery, the terror instilled, she now realized that James had fallen to his knees, head bowed, hands trembling as he held that single piece of parchment.

No longer could she feel the biting cold, she was numb. Her eyes drifted downwards, starring comfortably at the soggy mud as it splashed with pellets of water.

“Are you alright?” the concern in her face was obvious, but at the moment she directed it at the mud, for she couldn’t stand to look him in the eyes.

He looked up, his pitiful face, red and splotchy, when a faint smile crossed his lips, “Yeah…fine”

She lost her breath for a moment, she hesitated, and remembered that the letter he had read was not his. But what was worse was that it had not worked. The letter, she still couldn’t remember a thing. She had been sure this would remind her, but it hadn’t. The words were sad yes…but she still couldn’t remember…she still couldn’t remember.

Her expression changed, her brows furrowed and her head shot up to look at him.

“Wait…why were you crying if that letter wasn’t…wasn’t…” Her heart shot in her throat. The pupils of her eyes had hardened and shrunk.

Two large hazel eyes stared at her, glistening in the rain. James looked up at her as she struggled to voice those last words.


Their familiarity was so close. She had seen them before, and she could now…those eyes…those beautiful large glassy eyes.

Before she knew it, her knees had severely weakened, unable to hold her own weight.

Those eyes. The whole scene was familiar. The rain, the running, the whomping willow…those eyes…

Everything kept coming back to those eyes.

A picture flashed before her and she saw a stag standing proud in the frozen rain. Why did it look so familiar?

James swallowed as he looked at her, his tears beginning to subside, “Evans? Evans!”

Soon the support of her knees disappeared and she fell with the falling rain, dropping into the steadfast arms of James. Lily looked sadly at James as he held her close.

His breathing grew fast, and his heart boomed like thunder beneath his heaving breast and a sudden impulse zoomed through his mind.

“I’m him” he gasped uncontrollably, “I’m the one in the letters…it’s me!” A sad morose tear dripped down his face, “It’s me” he felt his life crash like the remains of a shattered mirror, he almost couldn’t stand to receive her reaction.

For a moment, nothing happened. Her eyes widened slightly and she gazed at him. And almost in spite of herself, she mustered up her strength before those pale eyelids fluttered shut and release herself into sleep and kindly…she smiled.

(A/N- oh yeah, so I changed the ending, yeah that was just so I could fix something for the next chapter. So yeah, see ya then!)

Chapter 13: Dubious affairs
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(A/N- for those of you who don’t know, I revised the 12th chapter, and I would seriously reread it first. But don’t worry, I hardly changed anything, all you have to reread it the last few paragraphs and that’s it, it should only take a few minutes I swear, lol. Well that’s all…enjoy…oh and sorry it took so long, so many school projects these weeks!)

Chapter 13: Dubious affairs

Stars twinkled and danced across the night sky. Rain clouds once shadowing the castle parted their ways. A bleeding cut of light glittered the grounds in white light, a bleeding cut that was the bright crescent moon.

Vivid green eyes blinked open. Lily sat up straight looking around the scene in front of her, startled.

She heaved a large breathe of night air, her heavy eyes absorbing the darkness, her pupils dilating madly as she squinted into the night. A cool airy breeze lifted off the ground and met her nostrils, the wind wafting her face in its soft scent. She could smell it, the water, the lake water that gently forms mounds of waves washing up on the sandy fringes. Her head casually turned in all directions. She was sitting on the sandy earth, a wide expanse of lake water before her, carrying the soft breezes to caress her face. It was unusually warm for this time of year, in the end of November, but the cool warmth seemed to bathe and wash her of the filth she had been embedded with.

And as her vision became clear and the cool breezes swept her hair back her mind also became clear. The puzzle pieces, which for so long had been mysterious, became clear, like the crystalline waters that nipped gently at her feet. It was as if she had lost herself, she had been someone else, like her soul was taken away. For so long she had felt like an alien to her own body, like she was living some one else’s life, but she was home now. She was home and life was making sense again, but only in her heart did she subconsciously feel this.

“James!” Lily jumped as she felt the cold fingertips of another hand braze her shoulder.

She turned around to his face gazing down at her, “You’re awake.”

“Yes, and-“ she stopped for a moment to reflect on what she wanted to say, “You know…what was with the Remus thing and-“ she paused again this time, not to think, but to remember. The previous events were now beginning to hit her suddenly like thick waves unyielding and merciless, hitting her with shock after shock. The running through the whomping willow, the stag, those eyes, the rain, the accident all started to form.


Lily stared questioningly at him, “What…what…”

Concerned, he sat beside her looking earnestly at her, “What’s the matter?”

Unconsciously Lily reached her hand to the back of her head, feeling around through her red locks on her scalp, “I can feel it” she muttered quietly, “I can feel where my head was hit against the tree”

James held his breathe for a moment, “you remember?”

“Dear me” Lily murmured under her breathe, “How long was I out?”

“Just an hour” James said softly, remembering what he had said right before her last black out.

“Wasn’t it raining?”

“It cleared up, I tried to bring you to the hospital wing but you would just kick and scream and then I believe you sleep-walked over here so I left you alone” James almost laughed as he said this, he had when it happened, but now, at this moment it didn’t seem very funny.

Lily smiled at the comment and added to it, “So what was with you and Remus? You were running and oh! I never heard of that secret shortcut or…and James I saw a stag…it was the weirdest thing but right before I fainted I saw a stag!”

“Wait” James held up a hand, “Which incident of fainting are you talking about?”

“The one that just happened you bloody duffer! When else have I fainted!” she mused playfully rolling her eyes at his stupidity

“There were two times, remember!” he tried fruitlessly, for all Lily did was laugh at him.

“I think you’ve gone insane James!” she laughed innocently.

“I’m not kidding!” he pleaded desperately “Remember? See first was when the whomping willow thrashed you into that tree and you were knocked out-“

“-and that was it” she cut in unexpectedly.

“No! Then there was just an hour ago when it was raining and I told you I was…. I was…”


James’ eyes widened suspiciously, “you know!”

“Actually I don’t”

James’ brow furrowed, “Lily, you don’t remember any of what happened after the whomping willow accident?”

“Well, what’s there to remember, I’ve just woken up!” She yelled bitterly, thoroughly frustrated by now.

James gawked at her stupidly, whispering under his breath quietly, “apparently so”

“Hey! What do you mean by apparently so!” she sniped, her lips pursed.

“You really don’t remember?” he eyed her one more time suspiciously.

“WHAT’S THERE TO REMEMBER!” she barked furiously her eyes bulging greatly.

Satisfied and convinced he began, “Lily…this won’t be easy to tell you…but after your accident with the lump on the head and your fainting thing…. well…you got amnesia”

“You must be joking!” she laughed, smiling broadly at the absurdness of it all.

“I’m serious! It’s been like a week or two since you last could remember your life! When you woke up, it was like someone had erased your memory while you slept!”

“And now your telling me that I fainted AGAIN and now I remember everything else, but not my episode of amnesia?”

“Well…. i thought you would remember, but I guess you didn’t…or erm, don’t”

“I’m leaving,” she said rolling her eyes once more and taking off.

James sat for a moment dumbfounded, “Lily wait! Where are you going!” he yelled, running after her like a sick puppy dog.

“Going to the nurse to ask if we could get your head checked out!” she spluttered madly, sniggering as she walked.

“But Lily…WAIT!”


The echo of pitter-pattering feet ricocheted off the marble floors of the halls as they passed the hospital wing.

“I thought you said you were going to the hospital wing!” James called urgently behind her.

“Don’t be ridiculous Potter, I was only kidding”

James stopped in front of the hospital wing door and glared menacingly at her, “Then where in Merlin’s name are you going!”

“Bed!’ her echo replied back.

James growled deciding that maybe he liked the amnesia Lily more. Pursing his lips thoughtfully he stood motionless. Then, releasing all thought on the matter he let his feet think for him and moved swiftly down the corridor towards Lily.

“Lily, I’m telling you, you had amnesia for a week or so, and you couldn’t remember a thing!”

Lily scoffed, marching forwards determinedly and smirked, “I’m going to bed Potter and that’s final”

James paused for a moment in their fast walk. “Potter”, after that week of her amnesia he wasn’t as prepared to go back to being annoying old “potter” again.

“It’s James!” he blurted quickly, before his brain had time to process the sentence. However, Lily, who had been walking dauntingly 40 feet ahead had just grandly turned the corner and stepped through the portrait hole without so much as a whisper entering her ears.

James cursed under his breath, and quickened his pace and leapt forward for the portrait hole.

“Remus!” James could already here the shrillness of the word that she spoke before he ever entered the common room.

“Remus, where’ve you been?” James entered just in time for Lily to plant a soft kiss of Remus’s cheek. His eyes growled begrudgingly at him, he’d forgotten they had been, “going out” before.

Remus stared quietly from where he sat, sitting firmly on the couch, “Lily…what are you doing?”

Lily giggled softly in the light of the fire, “Where’d you go? I was hit by the whomping willow just an hour ago and you left!”

“Again? You’re lucky you didn’t get seriously--“

“Again! Remus, I’ve never been swatted by that thing before!” Lily laughed, rocking back in her chair.

The brow on Remus’s forehead began to deeply furrow but he remained silent.

“Oh and guess what Potter just told me? He told me the most ridiculous story I’d ever heard in my life!” she squealed lightheartedly.

“Oh really?” he muttered softly, taking a moment to steal a glance at James who could only gawk as Lily talked to Remus, while she seemed to be oblivious.

“Yeah, he said that I had amnesia for a week and couldn’t remember anything! Isn’t that weird? I’ve no idea why he would ever lie to me about that, I mean there’s no point is there?”

Remus heaved a sigh, and took a glance at his feet in contemplation. He leaned forward, putting his hands together as he looked back up at lily with gleaming eyes, “Lily…I think you should sit back for a moment.”

The smile that was so widely spread on her face flickered and the corners of her mouth bowed down, “Remus…you don’t…” she laughed nervously, “You don’t actually believe Potter…”

“Lily, I need to you to try and understand, I know it won’t be easy what I’m about to tell you, but you have to listen”

“Listen to what? Your rambling!” she burst, looking at him with disbelief.

“Lily, all that James said to you…. well…he wasn’t lying, ok?”

Lily shook her head quietly when a smile formed on her face, “I know, you’re just trying to trick me. And then when you’ve convinced me you and James will go to a corner and have a good laugh, that’s it isn’t it!”

“Lily that not at all--!” Remus tried but in one swift motion she elegantly rose from her chair, shaking her head numbly and began for her dorm.

Her feet walked quickly but as she started her ascent of the stairs Willow interrupted her.

“Lily, hey! I heard what James said, you remember!”

Lily scoffed softly, “You’re in on it too!”

“No, Lily, what are you--?” But again Lily wouldn’t wait; she left instead and turned for the next place to go, out to the halls.

Her feet slide down the corridors; faster and faster she flew into the turning and twisting paths before her. She let her feet take her where they wanted. Behind her she could hear the silent screams of James and others, running after her. But Lily tuned them out; she would go to the hospital wing and show them all that she was right. They were all playing a joke on her, nothing had happened of the sort, she never had amnesia…. nothing happened, she was fine…. everything would be fine….

“Ms. Evans!” accosted the warm voice of Madame Pumfrey, as her hand pushed past the large doors, “Are you feeling better?”

“I never had amnesia!” Lily screamed, panting and chest heaving, her face red and hot from the running. She stopped in front of her, looking desperately up to her for support. “I never had amnesia…” she repeated slowly, her breathing easing now, her muscles being more relaxed.

“Ms. Evans, oh…I think you should sit down now”

“NO!” she barked, stomping her feet on the glass marble flooring and looking at her with strained eyes. “I never forgot anything! Why are you playing this terrible trick on me!”

“Oh dear, now Ms. Evans come here and I’ll give you something to calm your nerves—“


The hospital wing went under a spell of silence, nothing moved. All breathing seemed to be held, Madame Pumfrey stared intently at lily.

“Very well then Ms. Evans, why don’t you go upstairs and—“

“EVANS!” The door burst open, incoming several students panting quite endlessly as though from running.

“Mr. Potter! Are you the one who has been upsetting Ms. Evans!’ Madame Pumfrey burst loudly, her voice booming off the walls.

“No…I just tried to—“

“Well look what you’ve done to her!” she barked, pointing a pudgy finger in Lily’s direction.

Lily looked dumfounded. Her eyes were wide and unfocused, she look completely unstable as though she could fall at any given time.

James stared hopelessly at her with unblinking eyes, unsure of what to do. “I just—“

“I think I need to lie down” Lily suddenly spoke, softly and quietly, directing her words to the floor.

Madame Pumfrey blinked, “What?”

“I said I think I need to…to…” Lily wavered, her legs wobbling but she quickly caught herself.

Madame Pumfrey immediately ran to her, holding her up from her underarms and helping her to a bed. Lily lied down, stretching out her legs and starring strangely at the ceiling. Madame Pumfrey ran to her small closet, pulling out a bottle and pouring it into a cup.

“Drink this” she ordered, pushing the drink into her hands.

Lily took a large gulp and looked back up at her, “But what is it?”

“It’s a sedative that will help you sleep” she spoke automatically.

Lily blinked her wide emerald eyes, gleaming brilliantly at her, “But I don’t want to…” Lily gave a cat like yawn and her eyelids lowered. She slunk down in her bed and her eyes began to shut. “…I don’t want to sleep…”

(la la la…yes that’s all. Sorry it took SOOOOO long, school projects are terrible. Especially papers and projects and Christmas shopping all in one week, it really really sucks. Lol, yeah sorry again, I’ll try and make the next come faster I swear! By the way, everything will be explained better in the next chapter, this was all about her confusion…well…Cheers then…)

Chapter 14: More than you'll ever know
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Chapter 14: more than you’ll ever know

(A/N- SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! I know it took a long time, really, but hey the good news is this is a very long chapter so it is completely proportional to the time. Well, I just hope you like long chapters, so pull up some popcorn and coffee and sit back! Hm….yes popcorn and coffee something I’m very much addicted to….hm….gooooooooooood….oh yes…enjoy!)

White sheets were gnarled under the ferocity of Lily Evans. Her body seemed to be only described as “a human pretzel” for all of her limbs where intricately entwined with the paper sheets of the hospital bed.

Lily stretched her arms and legs catlike, blinking her curious eyes to the filtering sunlight that was cascading down the end of her bed. Her vision cleared from it’s foggy mess and she scrunched back into the warmth of her bed ending with a last yawn as she noticed who, pray tell was standing near her bed side.

“Absolutely loving the PJ’s Evans, but I will say, I always thought green baby turtles fit you better than those purple ones”

A groan was emitted as the brilliance of the gleaming white teeth menaced down at her. James stood, bouncing on his heels, and wheeled closer to her face.

“Morning Evans!” he cried loudly, beaming his face inches from her own and obviously haven recomposed himself from last night.

Grumpy, and in no mood for Potter, she full heartedly pulled the sheets over her head, groaning something about “going away”.

A bark like laugh shrilled the air, “No! I can’t do that! I’m here to feed you breakfast, give you your morning paper, and ah yes, I do believe we have mail from the same, none other than RED DRAGON!”

Quicker than you could say buttered toast Lily was sitting straight up (purple turtle hospital pj’s in full tact mind you), hair array in a static tangle and glaring up at her letter he was now waving around.

Lily made a grab at the air but missed. “Potter, give me my letter!”

He raised it higher, “jump for it! Come on now jump! Up! You can do it!”

Ferociously she was snatching at the air, reaching and jumping pathetically to get the letter.

“Now, wait!!” he called brightly, swinging the letter higher, “I won’t let you read the letter until you admit to me that I was right you were wrong!”

“Wrong about what!” she cried, giving another jump as she did.

“You had amnesia and couldn’t remember a thing and then remembered!”

Lily stopped jumping, lips pursed, “Until a hear from the nurse that I specif—“

“Ms Evans!” boomed a heavy voice, “Ms Evans you’re awake! Oh how good! Now let me just ask you, how are you feeling?”

“Fine” she grumbled lowly, eyes narrowed, dangerously hovering on James.

“Good, after last night when you remembered I thought you were sure to go into some sort of catatonic shock!” the nurse called joyously, “Oh course I’m only kidding, but, after amnesia it can be quite shocking to find out that’s happened to you! I mean, it’s not the first case I’ve seen, the mind does that you see. Usually, but not always after an episode of that kind the victim will be absolutely confounded when explained to them that they had previously lost their memory. No worries, all memory is restored, just not of the incident. I’ll say it’s funny how the human mind works huh?”

Lily’s pupils had gone rigid and sullenly she nodded her head quietly, “Yes, I’m much better”

“oh well that’s good! Now, I must be off to do more work, I’ll check in on you later!” with a last swish of her long lavender robes and the click of her office door, the nurse was gone.

“Alright” lily mumbled, dropping her gaze to the floor.

“Alright what?” James replied innocently, batting his eyes curiously.

She pursed her lips tightly straightening her shoulders more haughtily to speak as though indifferent, “Alright I was wrong”

“And…?” He continued, widening his eyes more and holding a hand to his ear delightedly.

Lily rolled her eyes, and spoke through gritted teeth, “I was wrong and you were right…. happy?”

A lazy smile rolled onto his face as he gazed off dreamily, his eyes twinkling as he spoke. “Almost…. but there’s one more thing that would REALLY make me absolutely ecstatic.”

“And what would that be?” Lily asked casually, lying back in her bed with a lazy arched eyebrow.

“Letting you just jump for an hour or so for you letter that I so magnificently have”

Lily pursed her lips tightly and drew herself up high outstretched a long arm for her letter that he had once again started to wave.

“Potter give Remus’s letter to me!” she barked promptly, beginning again now in a row of jumps that would remind some much of a tiny jumping poodle.

James raised his hand higher; amused as she jumped fruitlessly for the letter he flapped endlessly. But he frowned, and looked at her strangely, “Remus’s letter?”

“yeah!” she said, going at another jump for it.

“You do realize that Remus is not your pen pal right?”

Lily scoffed softly, “You wish!”

James’ frown deepened, “Seriously, I’ll call him down to tell you, I forgot that over your episode you forgot about that, Remus never was, you just jumped to conclusions”

Lily stopped jumping, leaning over and huffing, chest heaving from exhaustion, “Sure, Potter”

“Really! He—“

The door had just cracked open and who should enter, but none other than Remus.

He peaked his head through the door, nervously murmuring, “Um….hello Lily”

“Remus!” she called energetically, going over to give him a hug.

Remus held up a hand to her face when she tired to hug him, “Hold on….look Lily, I have something I need to talk to you about”

James smirked to himself, throwing an arrogant look at lily when she turned to him, “Alright” she said turning back to face Remus once more, “Sure”

Remus entered and the two walked off into a corner to discuss while James sat happily in on her bed watching them intently.

Ah, he’ll get it now. First will be the pursed lips, then her voice will rise and teeth will clench….and for the finale…ah yes, the FINALE…a hard slap across the face, he’ll get just what he deserves!

James sat across the room waiting for the first sign. But the pursed lips did not show as they talked.

Alright…well she doesn’t always do that…it’s ok….just wait for the voice…yes…

But that too never came, no rising of the voice or clenched teeth. And then, when James was so down that he wouldn’t see Remus get slapped it worsened.

Will it at least it can’t get any worse than not—hold the phone!

James thought madly, in an uproar he sprang from his feet, completely perplexed. Lily was looking sweet and had in fact, finished their conversation with a kiss on the cheek!

Lily walked back, swinging her hips happily.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU SLAP HIM ON THE FACE!” he roared as Remus stood petrified beside her.

She looked over at Remus sweetly, “Well Remus was saying how he should have told me in the beginning that he wasn’t but he was so excited at the thought I liked him. But I realized that I was the one who had jumped to the conclusion! But that was only because I already liked him! Remus of course now explained how he’d still like to be friends with him if it was alright and of course I said yes!”


“Yes, but he did say he was sorry!”

James shook with anger, wand in hand clenched tightly with white knuckles and before he could control himself a curse came slurred out of his mouth.

A blue jet of light blasted Remus in the face and he fell backwards, a thick bushy mane of fur hiding his face.

“JAMES!” Lily boomed running over to the unconscious Remus lying on the floor.

Before anyone could say “James Potter” the nurse was back and sentencing James to three nights detention and had Remus in a bed.

When Remus was in bed sleeping and the nurse gone Lily shot him a look of contempt.

“What!” he cried at her.

She shook her head, “Serves you right, anyways, can I just have my letter?”

James blinked his eyes, he had forgotten about the crumpled letter in his hand. Somehow this seemed to outrage him even more, reminding him the fact how he should be the one Lily was kissing, not him. He pulled out the letter from his pocket looking at it, and an evil smirk crept on his face, his teeth showing and a look in his eyes as though he had just dug his teeth into freshly killed prey.

“I was right….again” he said resentfully.

“What?” she said quirking an eyebrow.

“I told you Remus wasn’t your penpal, but you wouldn’t believe me and I was right AGAIN! But you never listen to me and now you have to admit it”

Lily pursed her lips again, “FINE! I don’t care! I just want my letter!”

He smirked, “I think I’ll read it first.”

“James give it to me!” She said, taking up her jumping once more.

“Never!” he cried enthusiastically, hungry for revenge. “I have your letter and—!” he was cut off though, lily had just stopped jumping and her eyebrow was raised high.

“How DID you get my letter?” she asked curiously, staring incredulously at him.

James frowned slightly, to his great consternation he had hoped the jumping might have continued on for longer a time. “Was told to bring down some of your stuff, this being one of them, here…” James then proceeded to dump out a load of papers and books on her bed, all assuming to be her homework.

Lily sat back down, staring fixatedly at James.

“Aren’t you gonna try and get your letter back?” he said, frowning again.

Lily amused her self for the moment and answered him by taking out her wand and casting a spell. “Accio letter!” she called, and immediately the letter zoomed from his hand and into her own, going on to read the letter.

Dear Icy Flame,

It’s been quite long since I last wrote to you, I think 2 weeks, right? Anyways, I’m writing to say how sorry I am that I haven’t written to you in those days, in fact as you might have heard, I was a bit distracted with Lily Evans, who I heard had gotten amnesia during this time. I can only say that she lives in my house as well, and after hearing for her accident I felt a bit concerned. Anyways, after our last conversation, I think I should answer your last question of “Do you perform any sports or such?”. OH yeah, most definitely, I play quidditch. I don’t know if you enjoy the game, but there’s nothing better that I love to do. Why do you ask though? I mean, from talking to you, I always thought you were very smart and into your studies? Or do you prefer both? So, looking forward to your reply. Sorry again on not writing to you in so long, lots of homework, all that stuff, you know

-your friend, Red Dragon

When Lily looked up, James had an unusual smirk of satisfaction inscribed on his face to create a terrible visage of pretentiousness. James cleared his throat softly, making opportune an offer to speak, “that git ranting on about dark art magic, is he? Love’s it doesn’t he?”

Lily rolled her eyes at this suggestion, “no actually, but…. now that you say that, how did you know he enjoys the dark arts?”

James felt his stomach churn, he had tried to offer the idea that he had read the letter. However, as he swore desperately under his breath he realized he was recalling the wrong letter and gave information that only he would know.

“Uh…well I read some letters before” he tried nervously, trying and failing miserably to act nonchalant.

“I don’t believe you” she stated simply, blinking her wide jade eyes widely, “you’re lying”

“What’d you mean I’m lying! Of course I’m not lying!”

Lily quirked an eyebrow, looking at him dubiously, “Oh really? Well if you had read a letter previously and had remembered what it said would be impossible! First of all, why would you remember it now and secondly if you really had you would have been boasting about it the second after you read it. You also knew Remus wasn’t really my penpal and told me. So if you never read the letters then you must already know the information which means you know everything about this person because of one simple reason!”

James’ stomach dropped, he felt bilious, like he had swallowed something vile and his stomach was churning. Nausea seemed to overwhelm him, what if she had figured it out?

“What would that be?” he muttered softly, swallowing hard trying to get his stomach to settle.

“You know who it is! Don’t deny it, you must know him, or else how would you know so much!”

The past few seconds seemed to vanish and his eyes popped up to look happily at Lily. He smiled widely and unseemly, began to laugh.

Lily blinked her eyes as she watched disbelievingly as he began to laugh harder, “What’s so funny?”

He looked up at her through tears of mirth, “You’re right! You got me! I know him!”

“Yeah, right don’t try to den—wait? You agree? You DO know him?”

“Yep!” he howled louder, now having to cover his mouth from insane laughter.

“Al—alright” she finished, quite baffled at his odd behavior.

James began to descend on his strange fits of chuckles and flung himself on the bed, sitting and coughing out the last of his giggles.

Lily stared incredulously at him for a moment, not taking her eyes off him and boldly tried at something, “So….who is he?”

James stopped laughing and looked at her, “As if I’d tell you!”

“That’s not fair! I know every secret of him, more than you even know and I can’t even know who he is!”

The pit of his stomach once again did a terrible plummet and he frowned, remembering his terrible childhood memory, and Julia. He wanted to reply with something witty but all he managed was a spiteful, “Yeah?”

Lily smirked thoughtfully, aware of the sore spot she had hit, “yes, but you wouldn’t know, he only told me, because he trusts me!”

James clenched his teeth bitterly, “No, I know all his secrets, he told me!”

Lily pursed her lips, secretly smirking, “I’m sorry but he didn’t, and even if he did tell you, you wouldn’t be able to handle it! He’s been through more pain, more terrible trauma than you will ever know because you’re just a spoiled, pampered prat!”

James felt his chest heave, “Yeah! Well how would you know! How do you know I haven’t been through just as much as him, huh! How do you know! You don’t, that’s how!”

“Please!” she scoffed complacently, “You are an affluent, pureblood prat who’s been sheltered and spoiled and blinded from the harsh realities of life!”

“Don’t you say that when you’re so ignorant to what you don’t know!” He felt his throat tighten, memories rushing back. The anger in him pulsed thickly and for the first time he actually despised Lily.

She smirked, continuing, “I’m not the one who’s ignorant, you are!”

He felt speechless, and swallowed hard, “You don’t know” he laughed nervously, “Why do you think I act the way I do? That’s why HE and I are so close, because we know, we know what…” James stopped, and dropped his gaze to the floor and did something that was so unlike him, Lily had to keep from her jaw dropping, “Evans, can you just please drop it? I don’t want to talk about this, I don’t want to fight”

Even still, Lily couldn’t help but move her head back in amazement, almost speechless, and so taken aback she was only barely able to reply, “Um….sure”

He looked at her and replied by giving a smile that read “ok good, so now what?” James pursed his lips, not in frustration but out of boredom and naturally his hand shot to his hair where he tousled it messily, “So…ok….I think I’m going to get going”

Lily nodded her head as he turned to leave, smiling at his gentlemen like manners.

But such a triumph could not withstand long and, upon shutting the door closed behind him added, “Have fun with your little Red Dragon, if it doesn’t drive you crazy not knowing.” He finished with a smirk and shut the door…
Oh boy…

or rather…

Oh James.

(A/N- sorry it took me SOOOO long again, truly sorry, and yep if you got through this long chapter I applaud you. (claps hands vigorously*)

Chapter 15: "I will not cast spells on other students"
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Chapter 15: “I will not cast spells on other students”

(A/N- ok this was so much fun to write! And it's another long one(now good or bad?) I really loved writing this chapter because this is where things start to change for Lily, wink wink**, I was almost going to title this “Nervous” but I thought better…so….enjoy!)

Winter, its strong hands had wrapped its fingers around the castle, strangling it with it’s choked winds and whirling snow. The fury of the season had been wrought at last. It was late December, the holiday season nearly upon them and some how the strange events of the past seemed to be like a speck in her mind.

Lily sat on the warm hay, starring blissfully out the frosted windows of the owlry, a frozen letter in her small hands.

She shifted, sitting more comfortably into the hay and shoved the letter back into its envelope after reading. Another letter from her secret friend she had read and now once again it was her turn to reply. But she had no time for writing now; she had prefect duties to fulfill.

Sitting up after a few moments thought she gathered her things and made for the door, her fiery hair flying wildly in her face, charged with static and filled with bits of hay.

The dull thuds of Lily’s uniformed clogs ricocheted dully off the marble floors. She huffed moodily as she saw McGonagall pacing over to her, this obviously was probably going to be a lecture on why she was ten minutes late.

“Miss Evans!” McGonagall shrilled loudly, her beady little eyes sharply upon her, “thank goodness you’re here!”

Lily looked at her with mild interest, her glum expression with carelessly raised eyebrows to show her “concern” for her problem. “What?”

McGonagall stole a nervous glance back at the classroom she had run from, “I must release you from all hall patrolling duties tonight…”

Lily’s brow raised higher, her hope suspended in the air like valentine's day cut-out cherub.

“…for you must do another duty that unfortunately I am assigning to you…”

Lily released a sigh under her breath, looking at the same classroom the Professor had glanced at, with curiosity.

“….now normally I would never tell a student to do detentions for me but in this case I shall have to pardon that, you are a prefect after all but it seems peeves has made a mess of things back in my classroom…so Lily I need you to watch a student of mine for two hours or so back in my classroom for detention.”

Lily nodded her head casually, smiling faintly and replying, “So what do you want me to make him do?”

“Oh just make him do lines and if he gets really out of hand I am allowing you to deduct house points if he disobeys” McGonagall began to walk down the hall, Lily turned to grab her just as she turned the corner.

“Professor, what do you want him to write exactly?”

The woman pondered for but a mere moment, “Make him do….”I will not cast spells on other students”


Lily entered the room with mild interest at who her guest was to be. She could make out in the far middle of the room, a curious boy, sitting slouched back in his seat, his feet absurdly strewn over a desk. From the back she saw a mop of sable hair shining in a tousled mess upon his head.

She pursed her lips tightly, bowing her head down and briskly began to walk towards the front of the room where she immediately began to write out the sentence “I will not cast spells on other students” on the board.

She wrote the cursive letters carefully, talking as she spoke, her back to the student, “You are to do lines sir, you will write this 300 times until your time is up where upon you may leave…Mr. Potter”

Lily didn’t need to turn around to know who it was, she recognized that build anywhere…

Lily paused in thought.


She turned around expecting to see two hazel eyes gleaming at her, dazzling over a broad smile. But when she turned around she merely blinked her soft red lashes a few moments.

James was sitting, a dazed expression blinking in his wide brown eyes. He stared with his mouth slightly agape, a dumb visage on his head. His hand had immediately jumped to his hair to rumple it up, an automatic reaction when he was excited or nervous….or around Lily.

Lily had turned around, a bit of a shocked expression on herself as she leaned herself against the edge of the professors desk. “Did you hear me?” she said blankly, unable to think of any other comment.

James acted as though he hadn’t heard this, “Where’s McGonagall?”

“Why?” she teased mockingly, “You’d rather have her?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “Well I don’t really like having you be in charge for my punishments”

She smiled a little, “So this is for what you did to Remus, eh?”

He snorted instinctively, rolling his eyes, “He deserved it”

“Well you deserve this!” she cried with vexation.

James stared at her with a meaningful look, Lily’s head moved back and turned around to sit at the desk unable to look at him for too long.

She sat down at the teacher’s desk, but James continued to stare at her apathetically.

Her lips tightened, slightly perturbed, “Well get going James!” She cried, her eyes sternly bent upon his staring eyes.

James bent down to take out a quill and parchment, but he looked back at her, after blinking his eyes a few moments and stared insouciantly at her with a smile.

Lily huffed with irritation, “What!”

He smiled more broadly, “You just called me James”

Lily felt her stomach drop as though from a rollercoaster, but it tickled her making her squirm. She opened her mouth for a moment but simply couldn’t put together coherent sentences and was only able to muster her meek order, “Lines!”

James bowed his head down to his paper, a small smile hidden in the corner of his mouth.

She watched hesitantly from her seat, her brows nervously furrowed as she looked.

James turned his head up for a moment only to look back down, “You know you really shouldn’t do that” he said bluntly.

“Doing what?” she said bemusedly.

“Bite your lip, you do it too much. You bite your lips and they get scabs, I’m just saying it’s not good”

Lily tried looking down at her lips, but only saw her nose in a vain attempt and realized sheepishly that she had been biting her lip. She stopped biting her lips for the rest of the time.

Lily sat jadedly in her seat, twiddling her thumbs, picking dirt from her fingernails, shifting positions, anything to busy her and keep her from dying of boredom. Twenty minutes passed from the ten they had started with, half an hour down – an hour and a half to go.

James turned his quill down, putting down his things and sat with his chin in his palm with his arm supporting his head as he looked at her. James squinted his eyes as if studying her scrupulously.

When Lily took the time to notice she jumped slightly, “What are you doing?”

He smiled drowsily and indifferently, “I wrote on both the back and the front of the page, and I’ve no more paper”

She looked at him impatiently, taking out her wand and sternly making appear another slip of parchment in front of him.

He looked down at the blank slip and smiled, “thank you”

Another fifteen minutes slipped by and once again James turned down his things to stare incessantly at Lily, awaiting another slip of paper. Lily obliged, though sternly again and growing more impatient. However, he was not done yet, he kept staring.

“What!” she cried again.

He held up his inkbottle and swished it, “I’m out”

With a menacing look she gave him bottles upon bottles of ink. And then yet again twenty minutes later the same happen, where upon she cast up a whole pile of parchment slips completely fed up.

But it wasn’t over yet, just as she really thought she didn’t have to worry about this anymore forty minutes later he turned down his quill for a fourth time and this time he put his hands together, clasping them lightly and stared pleasantly at her.

Lily slammed down her fist which she had been fiddling with and glared at him with her eyes bulged to the size of tea saucers. “Potter! I gave you plenty of paper! I even gave you plenty of ink! What excuse can you possibly have left!”

“I’m done”

Lily looked at him quizzically, her eyes blinking rapidly, “What? But you can’t, I told you to—“

“ You told me to write 300 lines where upon I could leave” he said smiling gently. "And i did."

“But you still have fifteen minutes left till you can leave!” she said exasperatedly.

“Then it looks as though we’ll just have to wait”

Lily took a deep breath, mumbling quietly, “Alright”

He nodded his head, an almost earnest look on his face.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Lily began to drum her fingers on the desk, her face distantly washed in an absent glaze.

“Could you stop that?”

Lily looked up, still drumming her fingers.

He looked at her again, “Could you please stop that? It’s really quite annoying”

For the second time she sheepishly pulled away from what she was doing. Somehow she felt so nervous and small, she had only wished he had teased her about it instead of asking politely. That was the problem, she didn’t know how to respond to him, if he teased her she would have gladly continued to pester him. But he asked nicely and she had never known him to do so, so when he did she felt awkward and guilty shrinking back into her chair to hide herself. She couldn’t understand it, millions of times she would just reply with mock or scorn, but this time she didn’t know. It was as if he were some complete stranger or as if it were someone she lik—

She stopped herself right there in mid thought, not daring to even think such a thing.

She blinked out of thought to look at James who was apparently smiling down at the table to himself as though he had seen something funny.

“What’s so amusing?” she asked, with a bewildered smile.

James’s smile broadened and as he was about to start off on something else noticed something as he looked at her, “You did it again”


“When ever you ask me a question and you’re confused, you wrinkle up your nose as you smile when you look at me like I’m crazy”

Lily smiled wrinkling up her nose as she gazed at him funnily and nodded, “Ok…”

James sighed sadly, a strange yet subtle smile on his face, he had predicted her reaction, though he was hoping for more of an epiphanic moment, if she knew all the things he knew about her she might just make a connection…

Lily was smiling at him, obviously thinking of other things at the moment.

She gazed at him. hm….it’s just like those days ago in the hospital wing, I swear he’s been acting different….almost….sweet….

“Evans?” Evans! Helllllllllloooooooo! Evans do you read me?” A hand was being waved in Lily’s face that at the moment looked dazed and dreamy eyed.

James smiled, “You know that was a treat, the last night of this three night detention thing and I got to spend it with you” He beamed brightly at her, squinting into her eyes as though searching for her.

Lily blinked out of her wistful state and gaped slightly bug eyed at him. Quickly she looked up at the clock and looked back him; her stomach was doing odd things. She remained silent for a moment.

“Uh…..time’s up! Now I have to go! Bye James!” nimble like mouse she jumped from her seat and flew out the door, leaving James utterly stupefied looking agape at the now empty room.

She walked hastily down the hall, walking not twenty feet from the classroom when she saw McGonagall appear and upon which spilt a mess of excuses and reasons and statements just to leave her as quickly as she had left James.

James was still standing with shock embedded into the chocolate hazel hues of his eyes. His heart thumped a little faster for a moment.

She said my name again.


Lily sat silently in the common room, a dim fire licking up the last of the smoldered ashes in a feeble cry.

She was biting her lip again, like she always did when she was nervous, and this time she very nervous.

damn, damn, damn….. she couldn’t sit still, she was so anxious and so mad. What was that back there? She didn’t know why she ran out of there, this was not the way it was supposed to be. A week before holiday, she didn’t know if she could last that long with her thoughts.

She couldn’t understand it, she was supposed to be in love her pen pal, but the picture of James kept popping up in her head and she couldn’t get it out.

She sat timidly in front of the fire, searching inside herself when a thought appeared.

Hm….if only it was a combination of the two…then I could have both…

Slap. That’s right, she slapped herself. Lily smacked herself right in the face after thinking that, and she slapped it good and hard, her cheek actually felt red and raw.

Great! she thought, rolling her eyes and head as though she was talking to someone in front of her, Now not only am I extremely confused but I can’t even trust myself to think freely! She sighed, trying to let out the enormous elephant that was sitting on her chest at the moment.

The portrait hole opened, James walked in and she froze.

“Wow!” he said, stopping in front of her, “Looks like you’re going to bite off your mouth with the way you’re biting you lips!”

Lily stood up, something had happened when he walked in, a circuit had broke, a very LARGE circuit.

“JAMES POTTER!” she snapped furiously, standing with clenched fists. “YOU BLOODY ASSHOLE!”

James appeared to be a deer caught in head lights, bewildered at what was happening, I mean usually when she got mad he at least knew why she was angry.

“What!” he squeaked in bafflement.

“How dare you!” she barked, her teeth griped solidly in their jaw. When James did not reply she continued, “How dare you act the way you do!…All of our lives together you have been nothing but arrogant, egotistical, selfish and whiney! And NOW you decide all the sudden to be polite and charming!”

“charming?—“ he said, but was instantly cut off.

“How DARE you! And how do you suppose I’m supposed to act! Now that you’re nice and you confuse me with this new you! I don’t know how to act around you now! I feel speechless! How dare you do this to me! Just quickly change all the sudden, I can’t take it! I can’t take!”

James was now the one speechless, all he could do was stare at her, helplessly looking for an answer of what to do, his brows furrowed up as though guilty with his mouth open as though about to speak.

“Hmph!” she said, nostrils flaring slightly, with that she turned on her heel and ran for her dormitory after her rash act.

Silence filted through out the room, a pure silence that beat at the drums of his ear, the words were flickering in his mind. What had happened?

Lily threw herself in the room, slamming the door to go to sleep...

But morning brings back your senses as night suspends them and it wouldn’t be till then would she realize the vicious repercussions of her impetuousness.

(A/N- MUWAH HA HA HA HA MUWAH HA HA HA HA! Lol, well this is my punishment to Lily for being so mean to James last time….Remus….he’s on the way…don’t worry ^ ^, and this was fun, James was making her nervous and he didn’t even know it! Isn’t it funny life? I love driving these characters crazy ;*P Ah so tell me what you think, by the next, expect the next chapter or the one after that to be on winter holiday! Now THAT is going to be fun to write….. ciao darling ^ ^)

Chapter 16: The very bad cold
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Chapter 16: The very bad cold
he he, over a month went by wouldn’t you know it? He he he…..nervous smile*….oops sorry, big writers block you know? And plus vacation (a week with out a real mac computer, I might die…lol) Well hopefully I haven’t yet lost all of my readers and reviewers….stupid me….stupid me….

Thick flakes of snow sank to the ground, the heavy shavings glued to another as they melded together in the blistering cold. James stared distantly at a particularly large chunk of snow that was now floating its way to the frost covered windows. The defense against the dark art’s teacher seemed to be giving some sort of lecture, but it was the last class before the holiday began and his favorite subject was far from his thoughts. James blinked a few times, the most he came to actually giving thought to other things, while Remus sat beside him, a servile smile plastered on his face as he gazed attentively at the teacher.

“And now class I have some remarkable news for you’re hearing pleasure!” The teacher called gazing around at the 7th year students.

James snorted, any remarkable news in her category was more likely staggering between of “amazingly boring” and “so horrifyingly boring that it might just send James into a perpetual sleep for all eternity” However…given the certain circumstances, option number two didn’t seem that bad when you’re a teenage boy who gets less than 6 hours of sleep a night.

“Today I am up here proudly presenting my dearest apologies to a student who, for the longest time I had thought little of!”

Well maybe this was interesting…?

“It is now that I give my deepest and sincerest apologies to none other than, the most brilliant intuitive prodigy I have ever seen in all of the history of man kind! Students, I give you Mr. James Potter!”

An up roar surged from the class as he was pushed forward by the waves of students to the head of the class. Suddenly a large golden trophy appeared before him and the teacher now was looking at him with weepy eyes as the headmaster appeared beside him to congratulate him.

The headmaster stepped forward, “This young man is the most brilliant and dare I say handsome young man I’ve ever seen. He is the most talented in every aspect of life and I think we should all bow down and praise him as God of the Universe!” Another gush of cheers poured forth and James beamed around at his fellow students. A red headed girl popped from the sea of people and James rushed towards her.


“James!” she called back, dewy-eyed and dreamy, “You’re so ______”

“Pardon me?” he said happily.

She kept smiling, “Why did you have to be so _______?”

He kept mishearing that last word, he just couldn’t hear it right, “I’m sorry what’d you say?”

Lily’s face was blank, and emotionless, “I said _________”

He still couldn’t hear her, “What? Repeat that please!”

Her face grew tense lines of anger, “Why did you have to be so _______?”

“I still can’t hear you, it must be the noise!” he yelled over the booming cheers.

Her face was taught with anger and tears were streaming down her face, “Why did you have to be so charming!!!



James woke up with a shudder as his body leapt up from the ground and bonked his head on the leg of chair he had had been sleeping under. He sorely rubbed his forehead, cursing under his breath maliciously and looking around for where he was. His feet seemed entwined within the blankets that draped over the beds edge. His body had managed to wedge itself into the nook between his bed and Sirius’ on the floor. When he had finally come to the conclusion that he had fallen off his bed in the middle of the night he stood up.

He groaned, stretching his sore limbs that for hours had been cramped on the hard flooring.

“Hello James, how are you feeling?” James looked up, peter was sitting comfortably on his bed staring curiously at him as James stretched in places that he didn’t know could bend.

James shot Peter a contemptuous glare out of morning moodiness, “Charming”


When James had succeeded in getting fully dressed and ready for class he headed down the stairs to check how the morning crowd was up to, and whether Sirius had decided to grace the crowd with his presence.

But when he entered, the common room was deserted, not a soul resided with in its barriers. The fireplace was chirping it’s last sonnet of flames as it burped a last flare and exhausted itself.

“No….no…!” he screamed silently to himself. He was late, he had to be late, no one was here, which meant he had over slept and it would now be the third time in the term which meant one thing…. having to be put out of a quidditch game.

Bolting down the hallway, James skidded down the corridors to the dungeons, he couldn’t be late again he would miss a game and he had already missed several.

“I’m here!” he called as his feet skidded to the door. His voice ricocheted off the looming stonewalls and hit him back in the forehead with an empty reply.

“Mr. Potter?” Professor Slughorn sounded, turning around in his large swivel chair to view the boy, “What are you doing here so early?”

“Early?” The words fell flatly on his tongue, and he felt a flush of anger and embarrassment consume him all in one moment.

“It’s five thirty! You’re two hours early!”

James narrowed his hard hazel eyes and dropped his gaze to the cold stone floor, “Right then…I’ll be seeing you”

“Hold up!” the professor called sharply after him, “Bring up these flyers to Minerva for me will you?”


“McGonagall, sorry, now would you? I’ve loads to do, so be a good student and do this for me”

James groaned inwardly and took the large stack of papers, carrying them up to the Transfiguration classroom with great contempt.


James reached the Gryffindor common room, exhausted and grumpy like a caffeine addict with out his coffee. Plopping on the couch he huffed a sigh of sheer fatigue, shutting his eyes tightly in determination to will sleep to overtake him. He could hear his heart thumping in the blackness of closed eyelids, but sleep didn’t come. His body felt limp like a torn rag doll but his mind was awake from the running and his heart was still pumping from the load he had carried.

Rolling over on his side, eyes still closed, his hand reached aimlessly around until he found the corner of the throw rug on the couch. He tugged it angrily, taking the stiff blanket and covering himself. Shifting into a more comfortably position he let out a breathe and tried to relax and fall back to sleep. Hell, it was only six ten and he had more than an hour of sleep he would normally have gotten away with.

A few minutes passed with sleep still wondering anywhere but his eyelids. The tick of some far off clock kept his ears sound. The soft crackle of flames in the fireplace painted the image vividly in his mind, the pumping of blood in his veins pounded in his ears. An orchestra of noise sounded in his ears keeping his mind keenly conscious. Added sounds kept throwing themselves into the symphony to pry his eyes open, sound after sound he endured….til a familiar one rolled into play.

The creaking of stairs littered his mind and he conjectured a person walking down those stairs, whose sound echoed from the east side of the room….which meant one that the person was coming from one specific stairwell. A stairwell that lead right up to the girls’ dormitory.

Peeking through the dark lashes of his eyes he squinted, scanning the room for accomplices and there he could make out a red whirl of color.

Lily’s feet hit the bottom of the stairs and James could now hear her shoes thud on the thick rugged floors. She looked up from her bent head and spotted James immediately. Her eyes hit him squarely but from his squinted eyes she couldn’t tell that he had them open. James shut his eyes tight as he listened to her walk closer to him.

He could feel her eyes burn into him, and her footfalls stopped, hovering right over him, standing feet above him to hear the breathe escape her lips. He strained his ears listening. He listened like he thought that if he was quiet enough, he might hear her thoughts come spouting out of her head.

Lily scanned him. She didn’t really know why he was sleeping on the common room couch. She could only suppose he had fallen asleep there. What she did know was that she didn’t know if she could handle standing with him in the same room if he were to wake.


She had nearly woken up to scream as the memories had hit her.


One slip of tongue and she was ruined.

No. Not “slip of tongue” there was no slipping of such truth. Potter was not charming. HE wasn’t even normal. He was a repulsive little insect who ought to be squashed. Slip of tongue…pff…..

She laughed disdainfully for thinking such a foolish thought. Then her pupils narrowed from it’s hazy dream and she looked down at him again. He looked quite peaceful just sleeping. She had to admit, it was the only time he actually looked innocent.

Right….it wouldn’t hurt if I just said his name…..i mean I can’t just leave him here…..just say it to see if he’s awake…..probably won’t even wake… he sleeps like a log….wouldn’t wake up….hm….


So soft. She whispered it so softly only the tiny shining specks of dust that haunted her ear could make out the soft mumbling.

“Yeah?” James sprang up from his horizontal prison beneath the blanket and at last pretended to rise from his “deep sleep”

Lily blinked her eyes for a few moments and thought for a moment she just might fall over. Her mouth glittered open in the dusty morning air. She licked her mouth, trying to taste any sense of speech perched on her lips, they opened and close much like a fish would.

“Oh” seemed to be all she might think of while adding, “you’re awake”

“Well of course I’m awake” he mused nonchalantly, lying back in his cushion, looking up at her casually, in no mood to put on his usual springy insouciant energy he always seemed to carry an abundance of.

“you just seemed to…deep in sleep”

“nope” he replied dryly, blinking his deep pools of hazel of his eyes.

Lily nodded her head slowly, staring distantly at her feet, “right….so…better be off” Lily rushed off, not even taking the pleasure to scorn him for falling asleep on the common room couch as she thought.

“Evans!” he called after her, standing up and briskly walking to her side. He quirked an eyebrow, “I wanted to ask you about something-“

Lily pursed her lips, perturbed at such words which to her seemed to imply something, “I don’t want to talk about what I said to you last night!” she snapped, turning sharply on her heel.

“What did you say last night?” he said blankly, innocently looking at her.

She widened her eyes brightly, “you know…!”

“ooooooooooh! You mean the whole “charming” thing?” he droned, ridiculously exaggerating the “oh” into a long sound that seemed to perplex Lily in a strange way.

“Well…yeah” she said, laughing softly as though anything couldn’t be more obvious.

“Well I mean that’s perfectly normal, all girls fall for me eventually”

That mouth. That stupid mouth. He did it again. Why did he do that? He knew she’d be furious. He knew she’d be off her rocker row..

Lily’s eyes seemed to widen brightly as she sharply blinked them rapidly in his face. She looked at him for a moment, shook her head, gave a little nervous laugh and walked off, head still shaking at the absurdness.

James cocked his head to the side, hm….she must have a very bad cold or something…

hm, that’s all for today, I would continue but I thought this would be a nice stop. Next chapter I will be starting their winter holiday….hm….fun! indeed. I know this chapter really didn’t get anywhere but the real point of it was to show you all the changes my characters are going through, I don’t like it where in other Lily and James stories where Lily hates James one day then instantly in the period of one chapter suddenly falls for him, it’s just unreal. This is a big change for my character, so it’s going to take a while for it to come to the finish.Anyways that’s all…

Chapter 17: Owlery adventures
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Chapter seventeen: Owlery adventures

Dear Red Dragon,

Well I wanted to ask you something during this letter, by the time you get this you will either be far from Hogwarts or still right here. Well what I mean to really ask you is, are you staying at Hogwarts over holiday? I mean I am. Not that I am in hope that you are, I mean we swore we’d never tell though I think that wouldn’t be that bad if we were to. Anyways, now that I’ve gotten off track and am probably confusing you, I guess my point it…. I don’t know just reply as soon as possible? Maybe if you are still at Hogwarts, then we could meet up somewhere. Just think about, it’s only a thought….

-Icy Flame.

Lily put down her quill, thoughtfully admiring her accomplished work. Quickly she enfolded the letter in an envelope and next was off down stairs from her dorm and over to the Owlry to send it out.

“—WILL PANTS YOU IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL!” Lily had come down right as James and Sirius were in an argument. Or more so, James was just yelling at Sirius and Sirius was just laughing his head off at him.

“What on earth is going on?”

James jumped, his blank eyes blinking wildly in confusion. He and Sirius seemed both to have abruptly broke from their peak in conversation. James had his mouth hung slightly open and Sirius was looking at Lily with his eyebrows raised as if in persecution. Lily just stared, her gaze oscillating between the two boys.

“Well….I’m off to the Owlry, I have to go mail a letter” She turned to leave but James caught up with her.

“Who’s it for?” he asked sincerely.

Lily quirked an eyebrow, turning to him strangely, “My great my aunt Margery” she said smartly. When the vacuous expression on his face did not disappear she added in an ironic tone, “My pen pal! Who do you think?”

James laughed nervously, nodded his head and watched Lily walk out of the portrait hole.

A snigger escaped into the air, James looked at Sirius, a serious look on his face with one eyebrow erected sternly, “Nice one Padfoot, you nearly blew it”

His snigger turned into a grin, Sirius smiled broadly, “Now, Prongs, it’s not that bad!”

“You nearly blew my cover! Lily almost heard me say who I was!”

Sirius shrugged his shoulders and fell to the couch, throwing his feet of the arm of the chair, “Well, at least you won’t have to worry about that over holiday, unless she has super hearing in which case the hundreds of miles between you won’t help”

James groaned, slapping his hand to his forehead, “Not this year, no….this year my parents decided it was the perfect time to take a romantic get away!”

Sirius shook his head, smiling. He rose from his chair after his moment of sitting, obviously tired of the act already “Well I will be leaving now, I believe you have a letter on it’s way. “


Dear Icy Flame,

err…..well I….yeah. I mean yes I am staying if that makes any difference, but about the other thing….well I just don’t know. I mean, well, come on it’s too much fun with you asking me, why don’t you guess first? Ha ha, I think that would be funny, you trying to guess who I am, you’ll never be able to. Instead, to be a little easier, I will have my spy of a friend talk to you. Of course you know him by now, James. That annoying friend of me had found out your identity and told me he teased you and yet he still had the gull to not tell me who you are. Of all the nerve, right? Well, you know what? I don’t want him to tell me, surprises are nice and when I find out, I’d like it to be when I meet you, I want to be able to see the look on your face when we first meet. So, yes I mean I would like to meet, soon I think ….until then I am yours (or rather your friend)

-Red Dragon

Lily sighed deeply, a sinking feeling in her stomach already settling in. Excitement and sadness seemed to be linked hand in hand, twirling around in her stomach, confusion seeming to spur them on. She couldn’t understand it, she’d been begging for the last few weeks to meet, and now…. now that vacation was just a day away she didn’t know if she should excited that he was staying or confused because he still was keeping his identity under wraps.

And James. James! He of all people knows! Urgh! I feel so anger I should go bark at him right in his ear so that he might go deaf. that stupid bastard knows my penpal. MY penpal! Yes…I should definitely go yell at him…hm…I wonder where he is anyways….


“What’s that?”

A foot of air seemed to stand between her and the cushion from her seat as she jumped into the air. Lily glared, menacingly over her shoulder, inhaling as if to relieve herself of her shock.

“Nothing. I just happened to finish reading MY letter,” she said stiffly, sitting more highly in her seat as she saw James coming through the portrait hole.

“Ah, and what did it say?”

Lily cocked a skeptical eyebrow, looking at him cynically and laughed sardonically, “Please! Don’t tell me you haven’t read, I know you two are friends”

James grinned broadly, his pearly teeth like a sweet smile of a crocidile, “Not this time, although I do know for a fact that the both of you are staying over vacation”

Lily rolled her eyes, accenting her stern manner with a sigh.

“So know we’ll all be a nice little party together!”

“What?” Lily looked up sharply, her unblinking eyes wide and bulging.

James’ smile broadened a bit more, with a calculating gleam to his bright eyes. “I’m staying over holiday also”

“No you’re not”

James laughed for a moment, looking at her curiously, “yes….i am”

“No you’re not… You can’t!”

“Well yes…I can.” James couched out a breathe of incredulity, “I’m staying, you’re staying, we’re ALL staying!”

Lily frowned, her eyes moping her sorrow, “I thought this vacation was supposed to be good! Lovely….now I have-“

“Thanks for being so nice”

Lily looked at him, a sincere look on his face, and her mouth dropped slightly agape as she coughed dryly, “Sorry…”

James breathed loudly, shaking his head and mouthing out something like “typical” before walking up to the portrait hole.

Lily sighed, trying to relieve herself of her unwanted guilt. “Willow!”

Her friend had just walked through the portrait, it seemed like ages sensed she’d seen her. “Willow, oh god, do I need to talk to you, stupid James was in here….ugh, did you know that he know s the identity of my letter friend you know!”

Willow had seemed so startled at this abrupt wave of speech directed at her she just stood and looked at Lily with a peculiar expression, “You mean the guy with the weird name like Dragon baby crimson something?”

Lily scoffed at her, “yes, and it’s RED Dragon. Anyways, I don’t get it though, I have two huge problems, first of which, James knows us both but won’t tell us! And second, I’e been beggin my friend forever for us to meet but he won’t! I mean it’s not like it’s going to kill him to meet me, but noooo he has to waaaaaaaaait. He has to—“

“Lily, just because for the first time in your life, someone doesn’t do what you tell them to doesn’t mean you have to go complain about it me! So go and bug someone else for a change and stop being so selfish!”

Lily sat, stupefied from those short simple words, yet she couldn’t speech as she watched willow march up to her dorm. She couldn’t do anything.

What was with everyone? It was like they all thought she was this terrible person. She wasn’t mean, she wasn’t cruel, she was sweet Lily Evans, that’s who she always was and always will be. She could understand James being angry with her, but her best friend?

Dear Red Dragon,

This is urgent, alright….am I….mean? What I mean is that, well it seems like all of my friends think I’m mean and selfish, I don’t understand it. Maybe I am, but I don’t know, I can’t. Just reply soon alright? I feel like I’m losing my friends, everyone, do they all hate me? Do I complain a lot? I never thought I was like that. Well, just tell me what you think, I…need some help. All right then…bye.

James set down the letter, a million thoughts running through his mind. Lily was obviously upset, she didn’t even sign her name. Maybe he should talk to her in person. But what was he kidding? She wouldn’t talk to James, well there was certainly no point in getting around it, he had to reply, that was the only way to help her. It was the night before the first day of holiday, her letter had gotten to him just hours after he had sent his last. When you were in the same school, mail got to you fast.

He picked up his quill, licked his lip in concentration and began writing. When he had finished he sealed the envelope and walked out of his dorm. The fireplace seemed deserted down in the common room; Lily was nowhere to be seen. Of course it was almost midnight and usually at this time she would have been snuggly tight between her sheets. Of course at this thought James had to seriously restrain himself from thinking perverted things after picturing the words “snuggly tight” and “sheets”

Now it was off to the Owlry.

All right. So James knew that at any hour of the night, “cooing” and “hooing” fluttered through the owlery as Owls flew in and out. But on this lovely night, the “coos” sounded abnormally strange.

Lily sat on the hay, muttering little solaces to herself, hiccupping and blowing her nose on occasion. Her small, frail body seemed to be shriveled against the cold of night, small and delicate under the owl-ridden beams that supported the large framed roof. The tiny owls dotted the walls and beams, watching the strange spectacle that they beheld on this special evening.


She turned around, her face red and swollen from the hot tears that had stained her skin like red wine spilt on a plush of white satin. Lily hastily wiped her puffy eyes, sniffling as she tried to cover her face from him. James, upon seeing her rushed over, kneeling down beside her, bending his head to see if he could peer through her mask of fingers that she hid her face from. She tried to turn her head away, but when she did James pulled her hands off her face to look at her.

“Lily, what’s wrong?” he asked, his eye searching for some reasonably answer.

But lily just bowed her head down, wiping her eyes once more, replied, “nothing…nothing…..i’m fine”

“you don’t look fine”

Lily sniffed the air, swallowing hard, sided away from him, her hands desperately trying to clear her face of the splashes of red that covered her tense skin, “I’m fine! Now leave me alone Potter, I don’t need you right now!”

James was frustrated now. Of all people, he knew she talked to him the most, well she didn’t know it but she did. In all of her letters, she had poured her heart out on a simple piece of parchment, and now she was giving him a cold shoulder.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me” he said sternly, looking her hard in the eyes.

But Lily tore away once more, muttering softly, “James….just go away”

He sighed with exasperation, his confidence draining. He knew talking would do no good, he’d never get that girl to crack and tell her. So he took his only other option.

James sat down beside Lily, whose face was buried behind her red curtain of hair and he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closely. She looked up from her damp hair to send a strange look of confusion his way.

“Oh it’s not going to kill you Evans” Lily eased her tension and let him hug her as only a comforting friend could, though somewhere she felt uneasiness settle in her stomach. And when a few moments had gone by and she had wiped her tears she whispered, “ You don’t think I’m…..selfish, do you?”

“Of course not, what would make you ask that?”

Lily gave an edgy squirm as she fought free from his hold now, “nothing I just….what’s that?”

James stared at Lily for a moment, the words like a foreign language having fallen upon, “I’m sorry, you lost me”

Lily shook it off, pointing down to a small-enveloped letter sitting beside James that clearly read the words “TO ICY FLAME”.

James felt his stomach drop. Quickly his fingers scrambled for that letter, aching to grab hold of the sacred scripture. But as his whitening fingers clenched around it, pulling it back to hide it seemed to late.

Lily eyed him suspiciously, her eyes unblinking and unyielding to the terrible gaze “James….why do you have my letter?”

I’m really sorry you guys. I stopped writing for a little while, and I just lost the will to continue. I mean this was a big writers block and I was almost considering the thought of discontinuing this story. But, recently I got a lot of reviews from this one person that really inspired me to pick it back up again, so a big thanks goes out to Demon Dementor! This is my little personal thanks to you. NOT THAT I DON’T APPRECIATE MY OTHER READERS AND REVIEWERS. I really do, so, yet again I’m truly sorry….no excuses….

Chapter 18: Lily
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Chapter eighteen: Lily

Last time….

James felt his stomach drop. Quickly his fingers scrambled for that letter, aching to grab hold of the sacred scripture. But as his whitening fingers clenched around it, pulling it back to hide it seemed to late.

Lily eyed him suspiciously, her eyes unblinking and unyielding to the terrible gaze “James…. why do you have my letter?”


Lily stared at him for a moment, posing the question so innocently.

He opened his mouth, ready to speak, but his words came slowly, “…he…. told me…. to give it to you!” James sprang, thrusting the letter into her hands, “So you could read it right away, he knew from your letter how you were feeling so he wrote as quick as possible!”

Lily’s face melted into a gradual smile, her salty tears now beginning to fade from her rosy cheeks, “Really?”

He nodded his head, agreeing from false pretences to please her. “Yeah”

Her lips curled out, the soft flesh pink and smiling as her eyes dodged down to the letter and her hands carefully opened the blessed letter.

When her mind had been absorbed wholly in the letter James relieved a sigh and heaved himself back into the hay, waiting for her to finish reading. But he couldn’t help but notice the immediate impact on her features from reading this letter. This little letter, with a mere few words had almost instantly brightened her spirits. The red tear-stained cheeks now faded, blossoming into a flush rosy color. Even her eyes which had been small slits leaking water earlier now seemed open wide and fresh as air poured their emerald sparkle back into it’s depths. And the more she read, the broader her smile appeared, and happier too.

“You cry a lot”

Lily looked up from her reading, thoroughly disturbed, “what?”

James shook his head impatiently as if correcting her, “no, no….I didn’t mean that as an insult…I’m just saying. You cry. A lot.”

“What do you mean I CRY a lot?” she demanded harshly, the spirits in her voice rising with pitch.

“Well, I mean all last year I can remember you bursting into tears during class or just getting easily upset. Just a thought….”

“that was only a few times and I don’t cry a lot!” she said clearly, but the speak in her voice and the redden of her cheeks suggested otherwise, factor that was painfully obviously, to both of them.

“Hormones, mood swings, what ever the bloody hell you’d like to call it” she confessed at last, tossing her hands up from her lap.

James smiled, “yeah not like me

“Sure, I can remember you crying a few times”

“Name a few then!”

A small crease appeared in the corner of her mouth, like a hinge to that clever smirk she curtained on her face. She began confidently, “Well first there was time when you stubbed your toe in second year and you cried like a baby!”

“I didn’t stub my toe! Chester Brayton nearly took off my whole foot when he left his bloody trunk in the hallway for me to trip over!”

“And then, there was fifth year, I’ll always remember when I kicked you right in the groin after to tried to move hand down my back into place I don’t feel like mentioning. You fell over cursing and crying! Tears were sprouting out of your eyes!”

“That REALLY hurt!” He cried back, a slight pink tinge coming to his cheeks. “And I wasn’t moving my hand down there. I was simply trying to pick up that green pocket journal you always tow around wherever you go!”

She rocked back and forth in her seat on the ground, smiling and laughing at the memory. But her face fell only a second later. “And then of course…” Lily trailed off for a moment, recovering with a shake of the head and smile.

James cocked an eyebrow, “What?”


“No, what is it?”

Lily sighed, letting her breathe flow out along with her words, “Well you know in first year when I met you for our first time.”

“You know you don’t have to avoid the subject for my sake.” He said earnestly, feeling a soft lift in his heart.

“Yeah, but I just assumed you didn’t like to talk about that kind of thing”

James smiled for a moment, a strange look positioned on his face, “well, thanks for the consideration”

Lily nodded in reply and her eyes wondered up to the clock. “Wow, it’s late, 11:30”

He laughed lightly, “maybe for you…”

“Should have known that,” she murmured warmly.

There was a short pause and the two only sat in silence, not knowing what to do or say.

James rose from his seat, brushing the hay from his pants and turning his face down to Lily.

“well…I think I’m going to head off, you coming?”

Lily shook her head, “ nah, I think I’ll just stay for a little while and gather my thoughts.”

They exchanged glances and James headed for the door, quickly adding before he left, “Alright….bye Lily”

But as his feet reached no farther than a step out the door Lily called out quickly, “Hey!”

James turned around, popping his head to listen once last time, “yeah?”

She looked curiously into his hazel eyes with a fixed smile, “You called me Lily”

“Yeah….I guess I did”


The boys dormitory sat nearly empty. Beds were empty with sheets neatly all except two.

James entered his dorm, giving a quick scan on the room. He had almost forgotten that this had been the last day before holiday. And that had meant that the train carrying students vacationing had upped and left. It was almost kind of serene, if Sirius had not been blasting off little paper rockets from the ground with his wand. When James had caught sight he plunked down on his bed, watching Sirius on the floor.

“You’ve been gone long. I thought I’d die of boredom, I mean you were only going up to send out a letter and you end up gone for such long time!”

“You know mate, I’ve been thinking about something” said James distantly, ignoring the previous statement.

Sirius sent another rocket flying through the air, landing on the sheets of another boys’ bed and charring black. “What?”

“I think I’m going to tell Lily who I am”

Sirius waved his wand at the sheets which instantly turned to new again before adding, “don’t tell me she got amnesia again…”

“no, I mean the whole letter thing, I’m telling her. Tomorrow”

“Really?” said Sirius incredulously, “ickle prongsy is going to tell her? I don’t get you mate, I think you’re coming down with something. You even called her by her first name

“Look I just think it’s high time that I—“

“Hey, I’m not trying to stop you!” Sirius coughed, holding up his hands as though backing off from something, “I’m just saying…it’s your funeral”

“I think I can convince her. I mean, she seemed different this time I talked to her almost as if I were…”

“Human?” Sirius offered lightly, erecting an ironic brow and quirked smirk.

“…her friend” James sat up farther in his bed, looking his friend straight in the eye, “I think tomorrow I’ll take her to Hogsmead”

“But there’s no trip going out”

James smiled mischeviously, “I’m talking Maurader style”


(A/N- alright now some of you may have gotten your hopes up, thinking “this is when she finds out!” and I know some of you are also thinking “telling her straight out is boring” but I swear to you, I HAVE A PLAN. And I think it’s good,…I think. Anyways, sorry it took long, I got sick. Now I could give you the gory details, but I’ll spare you, anyways toodaloo!

Chapter 19: Because
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Chapter nineteen: Because

(A/N- alright people, you wanted longer chapters so here....8 freakin pages ;D

Morning glittered on the horizon, a shimmering bed of snow stretching far from the boot black sky that haunted the west to the powder blue east that harbored the sun. Life was beginning to stir, but slowly, and the early morning rays of sun had just barely extended their limbs over the castle. The towers and windows had the delicate draping of snow, icing the castle like frosting on a gingerbread house. The clock had not yet read 5:20 when Lily felt the terrible sensation of someone waking her up on a perfectly good Saturday morning.

She groaned, resisting brazenly from the hand that was shaking her. A laugh fluttered through the air at this bold act. Lily dared opening her eyes.


Or was that Potter?

James or Potter?

Potter or James?

Oh she didn’t know what to call him anymore, and she didn’t really care, but right now he was standing in front of her at 5 in the morning with a huge grin on his face on the first day of winter holiday when she was sleeping in her pj’s that were really embarrassing because they had pink little cats on them that glowed in the dark in her bed in the middle of the 7th year girls’ dormitory.

Now something in that last incredibly long thought seemed to trouble her, but which was it?

“JAMES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE 7TH YEAR GIRLS’ DORMITORY!!!!” she screeched loudly, sitting up in bed fully, starring at him wide-eyed in the face. And she wasn’t screaming this loudly just because her prefect mode was kicking into gear, it could have also had to do with the fact that she was a girl herself.

James laughed full-heartedly and Lily felt her stomach squirm, as she looked at him for the first time that morning fully awake. He chuckled as he looked at her, “Calm down, Evans you’ve nothing to worry about!”

This seemed to fluster Lily more that James wasn’t being serious, “You’re in the girls’ dormitory and you are a boy. WHAT IS THERE NOT TO WORRY ABOUT!”

Anther chuckle erupted from him as he looked at her, “There’s no other girls here, Lily. They’re all on holiday! The only thing you need to worry about are the pajamas you’re wearing.”

Lily took the time to blush furiously, trying to cover her self with the sheets mumbling heatedly, “You still shouldn’t be in here”

James ignored her last comment, standing up and walking out the door yelling, “Get dressed in five minutes!” and shutting the door to leave her to get dressed.


“Alright, so what is the reason for my getting dressed so early?” She asked as she stepped out from the dorm.

“It’s a surprise, but you have to follow me.”

“Well, I’m not going” she scoffed arrogantly.

“Then why did you get dressed?”

There was a pause. The words on her tongue knew what to say, but her mouth wouldn’t move. “Because”

James’ smile flicked for a moment as he heard her reply and his face fell a little, “Hasn’t anyone told you that “because” isn’t an answer?”

When Lily didn’t reply James sighed, pulling a large bag over his shoulder and adding “Come on, we’ve got to get a move on. We can’t be too late”


A large statue of a one-eyed witch stood before Lily as she stared blankly at it.

“So…what are we doing here?” she whined, dazed in a bored stupor.

“Quiet, I need to concentrate.” He scolded her, turning sharply on her.

“On what?” she scoffed back.

James’ lips pursed slightly, a move that very much reminded her of her own self, which in Lily’s eyes, was a bit frightening.

“On the spell I need to remember”

Lily opened her mouth, ready to speak but he cut her off.

“ah! Now I remember….” A soft whisper slunk from his mouth and his wand sparked, opening a door into the statue they stood next to.

James turned around, a proud smile on his face, “Alright, lets go”

Lily stared down the long passage, the darkness of the hall seeming to suck her in to it’s gloominess, “I…..i don’t think I’ll go….”

“Oh come on, Lily, what are you afraid of?”

She stood, as though considering the idea, but was almost instantly shoved right down through the door and literally thrown on the cold stone floor. She rubbed her head, a sore where she had fell and mumbled.

“ow…why’d you do that?” she groaned, pulling herself up.

James turned and shut the door, sealing them in an inky darkness that blanketed their eyes, “Cause you wouldn’t move”

Lily ignited the tip of her wand, casting long shadows down the narrow way. “James, how long is this going to take?”

He pondered, licking his lips as he thought, “Well…that’s why I got you up so early, really. It might take…oh…..about half of an hour to a full hour. But it all depends on how fast we move.”

“An hour! I really hope this is worth it”

“oh stop complaining, you’re going to really like it, I’m positive”

Lily gave a look of uneasiness and began their journey down the long passageway.


Lily laughed kindly in the damp air, the joke still fresh in her mind. They had been trying to make each other laugh as something to do during their long walk. After a particular funny scene involving James tripping and falling flat on his face did Lily burst into a fit of giggles she was still trying to come out of.

When James had picked himself up he took the moment to steal a glance at Lily. He smiled, watching her squeeze out the last of her giggles.

“What?” she said, still smiling as she noticed him looking at her.

James shrugged his shoulders, “It’s just…nice to hear you laugh”

Lily gave him a funny look; her nose wrinkling up as it usually did, “nice like the action or nice like the sound?”


Lily felt a weak smile creep across her face and that odd feeling was floating around in her stomach again.

“Lily…” he whispered softly, looking over to her, the harsh shadows of his face giving sharpness to his bright eyes. Every time he said her name…the word seemed almost foreign when he spoke it and chills would occasionally run down her spine.

“….we’re here”

“What?” she said soundlessly. Lily looked around; all she could make out was a dead end in the tunnel, with a very low ceiling. “But….there’s nothing here?”

James arched a high eyebrow, “really? Is that so….” Moving his hand over the top of the ceiling he pushed open what Lily had noticed seemed to be a trap door.

“Alright now close your eyes”

Lily protested stubbornly, but obliged still because if there was one thing Lily really enjoyed, it was surprises.

When she opened her eyes she took notice of how dark the room was. And the smell of sugar was glued to the stale air. It seemed so familiar like she had been there before like she had….

“James! Are we in Honeydukes?” she burst suddenly.

James nodded his head, pleasantly thrilled by her reaction, “yep, pick something out”


He sighed, smiling still and walking over to a particular crate, taking a fistful of what ever was in and throwing to Lily. She looked down at what she had in her hands and to her utter disgust saw chocolate covered beetles. So dropping the beetles she headed straight to the sugar quills, which had always been her favorite. She gazed at it longingly but set it back.

James, noticing this slapped on the back, “Come on Evans! Have a little fun!” he pestered playfully.

“Sure if stealing is fun!”

“They won’t care!

“Yes they will!”

“NO, they won’t”

“They will!”

“They WON’T!”





“Look. This is becoming ridiculous! I’m taking the damn candy alright!”

James looked like he had been whacked in the face with a large fish, “Ms. Evans! I do believe you just swore!”

“What? It’s not like I’ve never done it before” Lily scoffed lightly.


“I just don’t do it very often!” she tried desperately.

A large grin beamed from James, “You flatter me Evans, only I bring it out in you”


Lily had tried not to smile after that other remark. They were out of the shop, candy in bag and content smiles on their faces. James’s smile was because he had gotten Lily to swear AND steal all in one day; and lily was smiling because she had left money on the counter to pay for the stolen candy.

“wanna stop for a cup of tea? It’s really cold”

Lily nodded eagerly, entering a small café to warm her frozen feet after walking in the snow for a few minutes. Lily found a small table as James went to get them drinks.

“Lily, there’s something I want to tell you” James said, bring the cups of steaming tea, setting on down in front of her as he pulled up a chair.

Lily took a sip; feeling as the hot liquid poured down her throat into the pit of her stomach. “What?”

James was smiling now, an unusually happy grin of warmth, “Well…it’s hard to begin, let me just start by saying it has to do with your letters to that Red Dragon chap”

Nodding her head and taking another sip of her tea she gestured for him to continue.

“Well I think it’s about time I tell you who he is”

Lily’s face dropped and she set her tea down carefully, a frown fixed on her face. “James, no! Don’t do that! I mean I want to know, but I’d rather meet him in person!”

James’ grin softened to a sweet smile and he looked at her gently, “You are meeting him in person”

“Where! When?” lily asked eagerly, the words having a different effect on her.

James laughed, both happily and nervously, “Now, and here”

Lily’s nose scrunched up, “I don’t see him, where is he?”

James took a moment to breathe to mentally prepare himself, “He’s sitting right across from you”

Lily cocked her head to one side, her confusion written in the creases of her face, “what?”

James smiled broadly, now deciding to play no more games and come straight out with it, “It’s me!” he laughed, waiting anxiously for her response.

For a moment, Lily just stared at him, as if in deep meditation and then….

She laughed.

Not softly or innocently but loud and heavily as her voice boomed over the quiet din of the café.

“oh James, that was a good one! You really had me going!”

Now it was James’ turn to bear a face of perplexity, “no…really. I am”

Lily raised a high eyebrow, “Sure”

“really” James repeated more sternly now.

Lily’s face adjusted to a sneer, “You can’t be him”

“Well too bad cause I am!” James said harder, his voice rising slightly.

“that’s impossible, there are too many things that just don’t add up!”

James’ intensity level was rising; he could feel the thick hot blood pulsing fervently through his veins.

“LIKE WHAT!” he boomed loudly, causing a few people in their chairs to turn around and look.

“like how sweet his is, or what sorts of subjects he likes or what kinds of things he values. All of them are honorable, not like yours!”

James’ nostrils began to flare in rage, and he had lost all ability to speak.

“Well…” he said, huffing angrily, “What about Julia?”

Lily looked at him advertently, “How do you know about that? He said he had never told anyone else but me”

“That’s because I AM him!”

“James don’t be ridiculous, of course you’re not!” Lily denied stubbornly.

“Then what is it?” James asked softly, “Either he’s lying about never telling anyone or I am him. Which is it?”

Lily had lost all form of speech, but she had the strongest urge to slap him across the face at that moment. By now both of them were standing, glaring deeply at each other. But Lily felt so lost, this fact that James could be her Red Dragon was such a huge shock to her that her system automatically expelled it, like a toxic venom.

When words did return to her all she could make out was, “Well….why don’t you prove it?”

James’ eyes widened at this response, throwing his hands into the air, “Fine! FINE! You want me to prove it to you? I WILL! You’ll write to him, letter after letter when you’re back in your comfortable bed, and you know what will happen? NOTHING! Because you won’t get a response! I’ve had it with you! You wanted a friend and you had one, now….you don’t”

With that he turned on his heel, leaving to exit the café to try to rid himself of his boiling anger.

Lily’s heart was thumping beneath her chest and it wasn’t until he had left that she realized that she had stopped breathing. Her eyes clouded with fury and confusion, and thoughts drifted back and forth like driftwood in the middle of an ocean storm. And then something almost occurred to her…why shouldn’t she believe him?

Lily thought hard on it, she tried to think of a real, solid reason but all she could keep thinking of was the same thing. She repeated it to herself over and over, trying to make herself believe it, the mantra that she’d used all her life for this one question, that one word she’d always use an excuse, but it didn’t work this time. It was the only reason she knew, the only reason she had. So why shouldn’t she believe him? Why?


(A/N- Sorry I haven’t updated in such a LONG time, my computer was broken for a while and it took a week to get fixed, and that was right before I was about to get this updated. Sorry. And also i didn't know that we aren't allowed to ask questions in stories...? eh, whatever, would ask you guys something, but i'll just hold my tongue. It had to do with teh ending of my story that will be coming up soon, so instead i'll just tell you guys this. I think i will be having a few chapters after they get together like a mini epilouge. I think....that is sujbect to change but i thought i'd let you in on it cause some stories just end with two people finally getting together. i hope you guys are happy with that.....

Alright then, ciao


Chapter 20: Wait...Siriusly?
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Chapter 20: Wait…Siriusly?

(A/N- alright, don’t get your hopes up, this isn’t the BIG chapter you all expect, HOWEVER….i’m almost positive it will be the next. And because it is vacation I have all the time in the world! Yeah! You should like this chapter, it begins a little slowly, but you know how lily usually is stubborn to admit her feelings? Well……

Dear Red Dragon,

It’s hard where to begin as I start this sentence

Lily scrunched her nose in disgust and hastily continued to scratch that last sentence. She thought for a moment, before putting her quill back and began again….

Dear Red Dragon,

There’s something really strange I’d like to tell that happened recently

She sighed, resting her quill once more, in thought. Her teeth gently nibbled the tip of the quill and her head swam in a whirl of confusion. She had no idea where to being.

Dear Red Dragon,

I don’t know where even to begin when I start to tell you about my day.

Lily smiled to myself, relieved to have at least squeezed out one sentence. She put her quill to the parchment, scratching, though slowly, more words.

… You see your friend, James, well I went to Hogsmead with him today and everything was going fine until he told some ridiculous thing. He said that he was you! Well, I mean he was Red Dragon that is, which is obviously up surd so I had to tell you. Why would he saw something like that anyway? He even said that he would prove it to me by never sending letters in reply, assuming he is who he thinks he is. I’m sure that in reality he will simply be intercepting these letters so you don’t get them. And I pray that you do. But there was one thing that did bother me, he knew about Julia. You said yourself in your letters that you had never told anyone but me. So either James is who he says he is or you’re lying. Which is it? I don’t know I’m really confused now, because I don’t think you’re James, all I need to hear is that you’re not and I’m fine. But things between me and him are strange now. I think I almost became friends with him, now I’m just….i don’t know what. Well that’s all I wanted to say really. Just, please reply. Please.

-Your friend, Icy Flame


The gray ceiling loomed with long shadows, James’ eyes fluttered as he lay on his back side in his four poster bed, sleep lay behind the outskirts of his eyes, sprinkling dust into his lids. He wasn’t tired though, he had just been lying there for hours that he had nothing better to do than sleep. That wasn’t until he heard a small tapping at his window.

A small brown owl tumbled through his window as he slid open the door to winter’s cold hands. The small fluffy bird proudly held out it’s leg, ready to be received by the usual pat on the head and praise. But James just tugged off the letter and threw it into his trunk, sending the owl nothing but bitter mumblings of being disturbed. The owl hooted disapprovingly and floated on back outside, tumbling through the air like a brown snowflake.

With out so much as a thought toward that letter, James threw himself back under his covers, closed his eyes, and waited for sleep to replace the empty feeling in his heart where disappointment and sadness harbored.


The next two weeks passed by much the same, holiday had ended, students returned to school, rejuvenated by their happy trips. But not Lily or James, James was more happy than ever for school to return, he wouldn’t be alone any longer with his friends returning. And Lily waited anxiously for another school assignment to fill her thoughts once more, so maybe she could drown out all the sorrowful ones that had occupied her the whole vacation.

By the third week Lily felt like her hand was ready to fall off from all the writing she was doing. It seemed the longer he didn’t reply, the more letters she wrote. And while she wrote letters to her pen pal friend, she had almost completely cut herself off from James who she now hadn’t talked to for weeks. It seemed as though that winter might last forever, a feeling Lily grew accustomed to day by day.

It was Wednesday now; lily was growing more tired and more tired by every second. She was tired of never getting an answer, tired of never getting proper rest at night anymore and she was tired of being tired.

Lily looked drearily down at the blank piece of parchment and a long sigh emptied form her lungs. She hardly believed her pen pal would receive or read the letter. By now she was simply filling up the page, she didn’t even care what she wrote, she just wanted a response. So she put her quill to the paper and began writing, a new feeling of anger and sadness welling up like a bubble in her chest. She couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe she should just spill out the truth, it didn’t matter, because he wouldn’t even read it. And that’s what she did. She spilled out the truth, the whole thing, because It. Didn’t. Matter.


Dear Red Dragon,

Obviously byknow I think either you really are James or he really is intercepting these letters. It doesn’t really matter though does it? Cause no one is reading these stupid letters anyways, huh? Well fine then.
I feel so alone these days, I’ve had no one to talk to. Sure, there are my other friends but telling them what I’m about to tell you would make no sense. I think, well I mean, it’s not just that I won’t get any response from you. I also haven’t talked to James in a very long time, and I guess I didn’t realize it until now but, he’s the one person I talk to the most. This year we’ve gotten to be such good friends and losing him was like losing my best friend. But it gets worse. Yes, my friend worse, because you see…..
I think…..that I….. like….James Potter.
Crazy I know! Usually he’s a jerk and a prat but something I think has changed. I don’t know anymore, nothing makes sense. I like you a lot, but I like James. Why is life so unfair and cruel! Well that’s all, I’ve nothing more to say to you.

Yours- Icy Flame

The soft glow of firelight flickered on the parchment. Lily blinked her soft red lashes, starring vaguely at the finished letter. Her quill was still tightly gripped in her hand and the ink on the parchment still wet, but her fingers were numb and they wouldn’t dare touch the envelope to send it. She almost thought of sending it, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to risk it. Risk spilling the truth.

Why shouldn’t I send it? Lily thought sternly, I mean if I really am so sure that this couldn’t be James, then what’s stopping me?

But her heart sped up when she looked at her fluffy brown owl, watching her with heavy eyes glued to her, waiting to be sent on one more delivery. She bit her lip hard, the painful pressure of teeth easing her worried mind with the distraction of pain. Numbly she folded the letter over and over again and stood blankly starring at the crackling fire of the common room.

She crouched down, starring hypnotically into those burning flames and was just about to let the flames engulf the paper when the portrait hole opened.

Sirius was in a frazzled mood when he entered. His long raven locks hung dead by his side, limp and lifeless as they brushed his slumped shoulders. The ashen skin plastered to his face bored deep shadows, and his heavy brows were darkened by his somber expression. It could have been the first time Lily had seen him with out his infamous smirk. It looked almost unnatural for Sirius to frown, those thin lips curved down at an awkward angle. She couldn’t imagine what could make him act this way. Lily always knew he was cynical but he was never actually sad.

Rising from her squatted position, Lily turned a questioning face to him but all she received was a menacing glare.

“What’s wrong?”

Sirius collapsed on the couch, a sigh heaved out of his chest as he stared at her. “Why did you do that?” His eyes seemed confused, lost as he gaped at her for some answer.

Lily blinked for a moment, the question making her frown, “do what?”

“Do that to James!” He sputtered out quickly as though it were the most obvious thing.

Lily wanted to cry at that moment, after hearing his response. Instead-she did something quite different—

She laughed.

Siriuis’ brows furrowed deeply together and his grey eyes widened in anger, “How the bloody hell do you find this funny!”

Lily’s eyebrows were angled upward as though tears might spring from her eyes, and they did. Tears were rolling down her cheeks….well tears of mirth as she laughed harder.

“I usually enjoy torching James but now for the first time I feel so bad because it isn’t funny at all that it IS funny!” she said through cracks of laughter.

Her laughs were turning into sobs now, no tears emitting from her eyes, but deep pools of sadness welled in her eyes. She plummeted down beside Sirius on the couch, her laughter having stopped completely and a look of lost hope subtly folded in her delicate features. The “letter” was still in her hands, clenched desperately to the crumpled parchment as she threw her hands in the air with exasperation.

“I don’t know I guess—“

“What’s that?”

Sirius’ eye had cast down on the crumpled thing, curled up in her clammy hands. Seeing his curious look directed toward it, Lily’s hand automatically pulled it toward her chest, hiding it from sight, repeating in reflex, “nothing”

But before she could anything else, Sirius’ hand had snatched it from her pried fingers, and his careful talent for nicking items from stores (and Mr. Filches office) now came in handy. Before she knew it, the paper’s worn hide had laid itself in front on Sirius, with his eyes poured over the page.

“This certainly doesn’t look like nothing” Sirius mumbled lowly, rising from his seat to pace.

“Give me that!” Lily snapped, standing impatiently, sending a flailing arm at the letter.

Sirius sidestepped her easily, as he continued to read, an easy smile over his handsome face as he realized the value of this paper.

Not too long, Lily was chasing him around the room, a full broad smile on his face as he read, slowly though, because reading while you were trying to flee from the piercing talons of a teenage girl wasn’t so easy. Lily was becoming frantic now, she knew that if Sirius had gotten a hold of it, she could have just saved time by delivering the letter herself to James.

It seemed Lily had nearly given up when Sirius had stopped in mid chase. A dumb look was plastered to his face, his dark eyes goggling wide-eyed over it and his mouth hung like he’d forgotten the technique for closing it.

“AHA!” Lily declared triumphantly, it’s contents now finally in her grasp, though apparently too late. Sirius looked up with incredulity twinkling in his eyes.

“You can’t be serious!”

“Of course not, YOU’RE Sirius” she replied lamely, if only to hide her embarrassment.

“you….? And …..James!” Sirius coughed out dramatically, then preceding to drop to his knees and hold his hands in prayer, while repeating his holy mantra, “Don’t let me die!” with choruses of “It’s the end of the world! The apocalypse! We’re all going to die!”

Lily felt her joints freeze while a deep crimson flushed out her rosy cheeks that almost made her face disappear into the scarlet of her hair. The color in her cheeks spread evenly through her face now, like by some flesh-eating virus and she felt her heart’s pump of blood flow thickly through her bursting veins. Sirius’s laughter was drowning out and panic was beginning to consume her like some sick disease.

Sirius was laughing now, with a large sneer on his face, “So…you’ve FINALLY gotten it through your thick skull that James is your precious pen mate! It took you long enoooooooooo-----!” Sirius was shortly cut off though. Instinctively, Lily’s wand was withdrawn and before she knew it, the soft syllables of a spell spilled off her tongue.

A hazy cloud of chalky smoke filled her nostrils and cloaked all surrounding matter. Lily searched her eyes through the blinding whiteness, looking for Sirius, but she already knew that he had disappeared to the floor.

“What’s going on? What’d you do!” shrilled a voice that sounded distorted as if from helium.

Lily cleared the smoke with a brush of her hand and sighed. “Darn it. I could always get the transformations right, but not the squealing…no, they just had their voices raised 8 octaves higher than normal….darn.”

Sirius was sitting on the floor in front of Lily, though one could say….in a much different state. There, in front of her was Sirius. Pink ears. Curly tail. Pig snout. And all.

The tiny pig’s head gazed down at itself, or rather, Sirius’ head gazed down at itself.

“YOU TURNED ME INTO A PIG!” The voice trilled like a whistle through the room.

Lily grumbled beneath her breathe as she watched Sirius talk, “Well, the POINT of it was to keep you from squealing to James.”

Sirius’s little pig nostrils flared as a puff of air was released in anger, “well….hey!” he continued slowly, “I can TALK!…. ha ha, I’m going to tell James!”

The little pig flew up the stairs, but not before Lily’s hands clasped strongly around the tiny piglet and pulled him back. Pulling her wand out once more, she added an incantation and instantly a sheet of metal was hammered (painlessly) over his little piggy mouth.

Lily smirked with satisfaction has muffled cries shook from Sirius. But her happiness was soon ended when Sirius put his foot over her precious letter. She grabbed at the letter but Sirius’ tiny hoof was planted firmly over it. She thought it couldn’t get worse until…

“Padfoot, are you down there?” James voice bounded down the stairs, she could hear each soft pad of his feet gliding to the floor like each pound of her heart that beat dramatically. Frantically she gave a last tug and the paper ripped down the middle and before she could do anything she fled for the portrait hole, hoping to god that she had the part that contained the certain information.

“Sirius, I swear to god, if I find you I’m going to pluck that smirk right from your face for you– “ James stopped, his eyes blankly staring at the piglet at his feet. He looked at the pig. And he looked at the pile of Sirius’ clothes beside it.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk” he said, shaking his head, “What did I tell you about breaking up with girls? Always tell them you’re broken up before asking another one out! Just because you feel the relationship is over, doesn’t mean your girl does too!”

A cry of delight sounded from the pig and James pointed his wand at it and the metal over his mouth disappeared.

“Ah thanks mate, now just change me back and I think what I’m about to tell you will be all the more sweeter.”

James’ brows furrowed with miscomprehension, starring down at his little friend “Wha—Tell me what?”

Nudging the torn piece of parchment Sirius sniffed proudly, “This letter I have will have your ears ringing with excitement!”

“Slow down Sirius” James laughed musingly, picking up the parchment, “you sound like teenage girl bursting to tell some gossip horror story”

“Please” Sirius drawled dramatically, rolling his eyes, “Don’t compare me to such terrible things”

James cocked a sardonic eyebrow, “you know Sirius, this is probably one of the reasons you get transformed into animals so often—by girls that is”

“Ha! Girls are just evil my friend, I swear –there must be some sort of female conspiracy against men!” Sirius retorted, tongue-in-cheek, “It wasn’t even some crazy ex who did this! It was Lily, that maniacal—“

“Lily?” James said, a look of shock gleaming in his eyes.

“Yeah she turned me into this form just because of this dumb letter that—“

“You mean the one in my hand?” James interrupted quickly, starring down at it.

“But it’s torn so I’m not sure if the good part is—“

“Look mate, I’ll see you around, I have to go” With that James left his little friend Sirius sitting on the floor, a dumb expression glued to his face. With out even thinking James’ eyes fell on the letter reading down to the very last legible line that read “Yes my friend, worse because you see…”. From there on it stopped, and whatever was next had been torn off but it didn’t matter because only one line kept repeating over and over in his head. …losing him was like losing my best friend….. Was she finally starting to see him in different light? He couldn’t tell for sure, but it comforted him to know that she felt that way and even that she was considering the idea that he might in fact be her pen mate. And James Potter knew that for Lily Evans to change her mind about something was like getting a pig to fly—near impossible.

The portrait hole hadn’t fully closed when a high-pitched voice squealed out from the floor,

“Wait! You can’t just leave me like this! James! Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!”

A/N- sorry guys, I should have gotten this chapter out sooner! Please don’t be mad, but hey, it was a longy right? Alright so it wasn’t the big chapter, but I promise you it’s almost here! I think the next chapter will be titled… “The Letter’s other half” or something like that… good? I hope so. Ah man, good song! Beat it! Beat it, beat it! Beat it! No one likes to be defeated! Show em how funky and strong is your fight, it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right, just beat, but you wanna be bad… Ah Michael Jackson…..