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My Reflection by Astrid Elisabeth

Format: Novel
Chapters: 55
Word Count: 115,470

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, Romance, Angst
Characters: Dumbledore, Lupin, Sirius, Lily, James, Voldemort
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 10/03/2004
Last Chapter: 07/02/2005
Last Updated: 01/01/2012

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Lily Evans felt her leotard hug her curves. Her hands were placed in third position and her feet in fourth. She was standing there, prepared to turn and perform a hopefully triple pirouette in front of her audience. The smile of James Potter was on her mind. After all, it was because of him she was standing on this stage. She hated it, but that was the truth. This is a different James/Lily story with quite a few twists. Hope you like it! Banner by Iced_Cherriez.

Chapter 35: My Turn

A/N: Short chapter... but I have the next update ready!

Chapter Thirty-five, My Turn

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In dancing one draws nearer to oneself.
- Jean Dubuffet

After a refreshing shower, I trotted over to my mattress by the tree, lying down on my stomach. I felt slightly sleepy. So much had happened the last few days, and James kept swirling in my head, constantly. All the tender words he’d said, the enchanting ride on his broom, the way he had held my hand. I felt my body being tense, tired from all the dancing and all the activity. Though it was it a good way… sort of.

James came over from the window, sitting down next to me.

“Everything all right?”

“I’m perfect, just a little bit tense and tired,” I smiled.

Then the most relaxing feeling came over me as James put his hands on my body. They were warm and nourishing, calming the muscles of my back.

I felt my body go into a trance of a doze as I laid there on my stomach right next to James, feeling his fingers run gently and affectionately over my shoulders and my neck. It caused strange shivers I hadn’t felt before, and I could have stayed there for ever.

I was almost crying with longing by then. It had been too long. Much too long. I was going crazy for his touch, and I wanted so badly to tell him exactly how I felt. It had been bottled for what felt like an eternity.

‘Kiss me, James… Kiss me now… I don’t want to wait any longer.’

I turned around on my back, just to look at him. I needed to see his face now… I just did.


His voice was like music in my ears.

“What?” I said shakily.

“You have tears in your eyes,” he whispered.

“Yes.. It’s just… I need something. I long for something. But… you can’t really know,” I replied.

‘What is it that you’re saying? God, you must be confusing.’

“Maybe I do,” he said seriously. “Because if it’s what I think it is, I have the same need.”

‘If that’s the case, then why are you still talking? Just kiss me… please…’

Then he sat up, speaking tenderly to me.


I smiled weakly, not really having any energy left.

His eyes didn’t break our connection as he bent down to me, leaning onto his elbows. A strange shiver made it’s way through my body as he caressed my face with his warm fingers.

“I … want to kiss you,” he said slowly, a sparkle visible in his eye.

My heart started racing. Racing as fast as it had never done. I didn’t know what to say, how to respond. What I had been waiting for so long was finally going to happen… My mind was going crazy, constantly yelling at me, hissing ‘say something! Anything!’

“I’d like that,” I finally whispered, entwining my fingers with his.

He gave me a weak smile before getting closer. His gaze flickered from my eyes to my lips before closing. He was inches away from me when I stopped him, placing a finger on his lips.

“Don’t,” I breathed.

He opened his eyes, looking confused, but not saying anything.

“James… I don’t want you to kiss me.”

He pulled slightly away, looking at me with a hurt expression on his handsome face. He was about to say something again, but I stopped him once more.

“The thing is,” I started. “That all the times I’ve been kissed, I wasn’t really there mentally. It was always over so quickly, and I never realised what had really happened until later…”

He looked oddly at me, waiting for the words coming next.

“So that’s why–” I said carefully, “I want to kiss you. You’ll receive my first kiss… ever. I want to be present this time. Fully.”

He looked at me, and I had never seen his eyes so beaming.

I sat up slightly, feeling my whole body shiver, but at the same time I felt calm and ready. I placed a hand on his face, smiling at him as he rested his eyes in mine. I leaned in, before kissing his warm lips. It felt soft… it felt right.

A delightful wave of warmth and magic went through my entire body as I continued to kiss his delicious lips, feeling him kissing me back.

I never wanted to pull away, ever.

Every trace of bad thoughts and destroying memories were deleted, non-existent. All I knew was what it was like lying next to the Christmas tree with the boy I was madly, unhealthily in love with… feeling James Potter caress my face with a love I didn’t know existed until then.

If I had managed to, I’d have breathed into his ear that I loved him, but I was too caught up in the moment, not thinking, just feeling.

After a while, we broke apart, and I relaxed in his arms under the cover. It was so secure and safe, and my heart didn’t want to stop fluttering. At that point, I knew this was not going to be anything like last time. James wouldn’t leave me, or forget, or pretend it didn’t happen.

“You’ve no idea how long I’ve wanted you, Lily…” James said slowly.

I stopped him, looking into his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean?” James said maturely, holding onto my eyes. “That those kisses have been dreamed of for a long time. Those lips… the smell of your hair.”

I smiled.

“Really? How long?” I teased, admitting I was curious for the answer.

“I think I’m to embarrassed to admit that… You’ll say I’m obsessed with you or something, surely.”

“No way! Come on?” I said sweetly, kissing his lower lip.

“Oooh… I think you might get your way when you’re using that trick,” James surrendered. “I’ve guess longed for caressing that face for years, and dreamed about you a couple more…”

I was quiet. That long?

“It was definitely worth it. Just kissing you like I have now will last a life time,” James smiled.

I turned around, putting his hands around me once more. I had to think for just a little while.

It was something that was very strange about all this.

James had ‘longed for my lips’ for years? And it was worth it? He said it as if this was the first time he kissed me. Well… maybe he just wouldn’t remember the kiss in the hall, because it was so embarrassing. Understandable.

Something that made me a lot calmer, was the fact that I noticed the difference between the kisses we had exchanged tonight and the ones in the hall in November.

I had felt almost … mad when kissing James tonight. Like I never wanted to let go, ever. I had felt those kisses rock my body with emotions, shivers and just plain enjoyment. The kisses in the hall didn’t do that, even if it was the same person placing them on me.

Maybe this was just another sign that this time it was right, and it was real. I could rely on, and trust these kisses to be true to my heart.

Then I heard steps as someone came in from the portrait hole.

“Holy crap!” I heard Sirius’s voice scream … actually it was kind of girlish.

I giggled.

“You… the two of… James… Lily… Well… congrats!”

He was almost out of breath, sort of. His face reflected pure shock, but he looked pleased too. He ran a nervous hand through his black hair and rushed up the stairs, not saying another word.

I was about to run after him when James held me back.

“Shouldn’t I just tell him what happened? Why we’re lying here like this?” I asked.

“No.. won’t be necessary. Sirius understood very well what happened. Just let him be,” James whispered.

“But…” I uttered.

“I want you here. Padfood can figure it out on his own,” James grinned, pulling me down again.