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My Reflection by Astrid Elisabeth

Format: Novel
Chapters: 55
Word Count: 115,470

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, Romance, Angst
Characters: Dumbledore, Lupin, Sirius, Lily, James, Voldemort
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 10/03/2004
Last Chapter: 07/02/2005
Last Updated: 01/01/2012

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Lily Evans felt her leotard hug her curves. Her hands were placed in third position and her feet in fourth. She was standing there, prepared to turn and perform a hopefully triple pirouette in front of her audience. The smile of James Potter was on her mind. After all, it was because of him she was standing on this stage. She hated it, but that was the truth. This is a different James/Lily story with quite a few twists. Hope you like it! Banner by Iced_Cherriez.

Chapter 33: Christmas Eve

A/N: Quick update! This chapter is really connected to the last one, so think of them as one chapter, ok? *smile*

Chapter Thirty-three, Christmas Eve

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Music begins to atrophy when it departs
too far from the dance.
- Ezra Pound

After an amazing dinner in the Great Hall, we all gathered to play exploding snap and wizard’s chess in the Tower.

I watched Jennifer as her boyfriend placed small kisses on her cheek and lips, sitting with his hand over her shoulder in one of the couches. I wished I was her, having someone kissing me.

The Christmas tree was beaming at us, and we had all placed our presents under it. I saw Sirius eyeing them hungrily.

“Lily, reckon we should go put on our dresses?” Jennifer asked, giggling a little extra as Niles kissed her neck.

“Yeah, why don’t you? Would be nice, it’s Christmas Eve after all. As long as we don’t have to wear dress robes, I’m perfect,” James chuckled.

“Ok,” I smiled, walking up the stairs together with her. We could dress in my dorm, it was more room there.

I found the red long Christmas dress I bought, which I had intended to wear at home this year. But that didn’t happen… Because of Petunia and the others. At least I’d wear it for a couple of hours at Hogwarts.

“Wow, I wish I had a dress like that!” Jennifer beamed. “You look great, Lily..”

I giggled. “You too! Where did you get that golden fluffy dress? It’s amazing..”

“I got it at the shop in Diagon Alley last year,” she said.

I looked at my make up kit, wondering if I should get out the make-over stuff Hillary had bought with me. In fact, we had a full day in Hogsmeade the weekend I was so sad about the … kiss.

I felt it twist and twirl inside as the same feeling welled up inside me again. How James had… had… done that.

“You Ok?” Jennifer said, concerned, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “Let’s do my makeover!”

I suddenly changed my mood, not bearing the thought of going miserable again.

“Brilliant!” Jennifer exclaimed.


My eyes were pasted on the girl walking down the stairs, and I managed to close my mouth as she came down, beaming at us all with a new spark.

Lily was wearing a red, long dress which was so indescribable I didn’t have any words. Her hair was done in a neat style, with curls falling down her back. Her cheeks were pink with blush, and her eyes were the diamond of the whole masterpiece. They stood out so beautifully, and I could get lost in them. So, so, lost…

She came over, sitting down next to me on the couch. She straightened her back before smiling at me,

“How do you think I look, James?”

“A-a-a… I mean.. You look absolutely amazing, ballerina,” I said slowly and foolishly.

She giggled, giving me a short hug that made my heart race and my body go all warm.

“That’s so sweet,” she said with a smile.

She lifted up one of the kittens I’d brought her, talking to it as if it was a little baby.

“Hullo little sweety! Why don’t you go stay with James for a while? I don’t want you to use your claws on my new dress…”

I just sat there, amazed. Lily had only looked so beautiful once before, and that was when she danced her solo in the show. She was glowing with not only with a dashingly beautiful appearance, but inner beauty, too. I was close to drooling all over her.

If I had ever doubted my feelings for her, they came back as strong as ever right then. She was just… an angel from heaven. No wonder I went mad around her, no wonder I felt like I lost control every time she said something approving.

“You… really look beautiful,” I stuttered once more.

“Thanks,” she said slightly nervously, handing me the kitten, which jumped off my lap because I didn’t give it attention. Lily had it fully. “But I think you said that just a while ago.”

‘Get yourself together, James! Don’t look like a fool!’

I pasted a grin on my face, looking smug. Lily gave me a weird look before walking over to Sirius to play exploding snap.

‘What? Why do I have to do everything wrong??’ I yelled at myself. ‘You should know by now she hates that cocky look. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!’


It was getting late, and we’d stayed up for so long I was feeling a tired, drowsy headache start rolling over me. We had been eating so much candy and drunk so much butterbeer I was about to burst. A couple of empty firewhiskey bottles lay over by the fire, which had made us all in a good mood. I was also exhausted, we had been dancing like mad, and played all kinds of silly games. The most funny one was when James dressed up as Father Christmas, claiming I hadn’t been a good girl at all this year.

The Christmas carols were still humming in my head as I sat down in one of the chairs by the walls, watching the others dance enthusiastically in the big middle space of the common room. We had shoved all the furniture out of the way, making it brilliant for all sorts of activity.

“Maybe you should go to bed?” Remus suggested, coming over and removing some hair from my face. “You look tired.”

“No, no, no! It’s Christmas Eve, I don’t want to sleep just yet,” I protested.

“Tell you what? I think I’ll talk to Sirius about this little idea he had. Might come to your advantage,” Remus smiled.

“Ok, as long as it isn’t anything mischievous,” I smiled suspiciously.

“No, it’s not. It’s very cosy and Christmas-ish,” Remus laughed before going over to Sirius.

Then I saw my tawny owl peck the window, with a letter and a present tied to the leg. I ran over to the window, opening the it to let her into the warmth. As I read the letter, I gave her some hazelnuts to eat.

‘Dear Lily,
Happy Christmas!
I miss you sooo badly, baby! Another Christmas without you, I wish you could come to our place this year like you did in fifth. But for some reason you wanted to remain? Am I correct to assume your reason was a very handsome and charming Gryffindor boy?
I’ll let it pass, because you certainly are in love this time.
I haven’t opened your present yet, but it looks really amazing! I see you’ve put a lot of work even into the paper surrounding it.
Love you lots, don’t forget that!
- Hillary -’

I blushed as I read the letter from her, knowing she was very correct about my choice of staying. I looked over at James, who still looked great even after hours of activity and messing around. He looked slightly tired too, I noticed.

Then he noticed I was watching him, and he gave me a weak smile before leaving the others. He came over to where I sat, taking my hand in his warm one.

“Lily? Go back with Jennifer and get your dress and make up off, get ready to sleep,” James looking me into the eyes.

“And what make you think you can command me like that?” I said teasingly. But I heard his gentle voice, and knew there was no commendation in it at all.

“Come on, Lily. It’s a surprise,” he smiled.

“Ok, if you say so,” I replied, standing up and walking out of the common room with Jennifer.

I found my pyjama, a pink silky one. Hillary had let me borrow it. As I started removing my make up, Jennifer looked at me with an expression I found disturbing.

“James likes you,” she said matter-of-factly.

“He does?” I said, feeling a smile creep onto my face.

“He really does…” she continued, pulling out her hair pins.

“How do you know?”

She looked at me unbelievingly. “How can I not know? The looks he gives you, the way he talks to you, just his whole behaviour when he’s around you. He’s glowing.”

My heart made a little jump as she said that, but at the same time insecurity found a sneaky way to enter my head too.

It was time to reveal my secret to her.

“Then why did he kiss me in November, and then pretend it never happened?” I said sadly.

“What?” Jennifer moaned.

“That’s right. We were really getting somewhere, and then one day in the corridors, by the library … he kissed me.”

“But what’s the problem, then?” Jennifer pushed.

“Well.. after he’d done it, he sort of disappeared. But that’s not the worst part,” I sighed. “After that … nothing changed. He behaved like it never happened, he didn’t mention it, and he never kissed me like that again.”

“That.. That… fool!” Jennifer said in rage. “Why? What got into him?”

“That’s what I don’t know, Jen!” I said, feeling my body shake. “He can’t really have feelings for me when he did that!”

Jennifer sat down next to me, calming down.

“It must have been a mistake,” she concluded. “Because I haven’t seen James act like this around anybody.”

“What if it happens again?” I whispered.

“It won’t. And if it does, don’t hold anything back. Really let him know how much it hurt and that you’re throwing him off. Because then you’ll know it wasn’t a mistake…” Jennifer explained.

“Ok, but I still can’t believe it.”

“Listen… maybe he backed off because he panicked. He didn’t know what to do. That’s got to be the solution,” she sighed.

“So I’ll just forget about it, too?” I said.

“Yeah… Start over fresh. Don’t let that hold things back.”

I hugged Jennifer approvingly.

“Thank you… You’ve no idea how much this means!”

When we returned to the common room for the third time, it had changed completely. I was really amazed by how the boys had turned it into what it was in such a short time…

“You did all this?” I gasped.

“Yep,” the four boys said in unison, big grins on their faces.

There were now six mattresses with lots of pillows and covers in the middle of the common room, looking soft, clean and comfortable. There were candles levitating over the whole room, just like it used to be in the Great Hall.

“Now we can have a real sleep over party! Isn’t that great?” Niles smiled at Jennifer.

“It’s great!” she beamed.

I didn’t hesitate to choose the bed longest away from the tree, where it was darkest and most cosy. I crawled under the cover, hoping I’d fall asleep immediately. Because the sooner I fell asleep, the sooner it would be Christmas Day…

“Where do you think you’re going?” Sirius said in surprise, throwing the cover off me.

“Dreamland?” I said drowsily, trying to fetch it back.

“No, you’re not! You’re not sleeping until we are…”

“Have some respect! I want to sleep, I’m tired!” I screamed.

“Not after you’ve tasted this,” James whispered next to me, showing a special chocolate from the basket we got earlier. “That’ll make you wake up.”

I grinned as he broke off a piece, giving it to me. As I ate it, I remembered very vividly the night we’d stayed up together eating chocolate. It seemed ages ago…

The feelings that had sprung up in me that night came back, and only one thought soared through my head…

At that moment, I did exactly what Jennifer had told me to. I forgot completely about the forgotten kiss, the kiss that haunted me every night. I couldn’t count all the times I had been desperate to feel his lips again after that day. Every time I did, it had hurt even more.

But now, it was all gone. I longed for him as never before, but there was no triggering kiss on my mind. There had been no hurting days and tears spilled because of it. There was nothing.