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My Reflection by Astrid Elisabeth

Format: Novel
Chapters: 55
Word Count: 115,470

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, Romance, Angst
Characters: Dumbledore, Lupin, Sirius, Lily, James, Voldemort
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 10/03/2004
Last Chapter: 07/02/2005
Last Updated: 01/01/2012

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Lily Evans felt her leotard hug her curves. Her hands were placed in third position and her feet in fourth. She was standing there, prepared to turn and perform a hopefully triple pirouette in front of her audience. The smile of James Potter was on her mind. After all, it was because of him she was standing on this stage. She hated it, but that was the truth. This is a different James/Lily story with quite a few twists. Hope you like it! Banner by Iced_Cherriez.

Chapter 31: Just Do It...

A/N: This chapter is written trough Lily’s POV, then Sirius’s POV. Ok? ;)

Chapter Thirty-one, Just Do It…

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Dance is the poetic baring of the soul through motion.
- Scott Nilsson

“Why haven’t you packed your trunk?” James said, coming into my dorm to ask if I was going to join them for dinner.

“Because I’m staying here, silly,” I smiled.

“Oh… But you always go home?” he pointed out.

“Yeah, but my dad’s parents are coming this Christmas, and I don’t want to hang around. Besides, Petunia’s staying home as well. Total disaster.”

“Okay. You mean your grandparents, right? You obviously don’t have a good relationship with them, do you?” he said carefully.

“They’re Ok, really… It’s just that they remind me a lot of my dad,” I said slowly.

Then I realised what I’d said. Said out loud. Had I partly revealed my weakness to James?

“Lily, I’m so sorry,” he said, giving me a comforting hug. “You must miss him terribly?”

I fell quiet, not answering his question.

“God, Lily… I’m so sorry!” he whispered, holding me a little longer.

He thought I was sad and missed him? In real life I was to mad and angry to answer. I didn’t miss him at all… I just wished he’d passed away sooner. If I ever met that man driving the car who hit him two years ago, I would have thanked him.

“So, who’s staying?” Anna asked the other’s around the dinner table.

“I’m staying,” Remus said at once. “Christmas at Hogwarts is always magical.”

“Yeah, obviously,” Peter laughed. “I’m leaving. We’re actually going to be twenty people celebrating Christmas at our house. Don’t want to miss out on that.”

“You always go!” Sirius moaned. “You miss out on the best pranks when you just disappear every Christmas…”

“I’m staying too,” James said cheerfully. “Me and Padfoot decided we weren’t that keen to spend Christmas with my parents and old aunt Guffy, right? Besides.. I’m Head Boy, and after all the fuss about Christmas Decorations, it would be sad not hanging around to enjoy them.”

Sirius looked confirming over at him, nodding.

“I wanted to stay, but I haven’t been home for Christmas for two years, so I promised dad I’d come home this year,” Anna said sadly.

“Me too,” said Hillary, looking at me. “Sorry, Lily… but mum practically said she’d die if she didn’t see my face this season.”

“That’s ok..” I smiled insecurely. “Don’t tell me I’m the only seventh year girl staying? You’ve got to be kidding… I haven’t seen anyone else showing signs of not packing.”

“Jennifer’s staying behind,” Remus said on second thought. “Decided about an hour ago. Wonder why…”

“Yay! What a relieve…” I sighed.

“Why? Wouldn’t it be fun if it was just you and us, Lily? That would be highly amusing…” Sirius said, slightly offended.

“You reckon? Well I don’t!” I laughed.

After saying goodbye to all the people leaving, the few Gryffindors left went back to the Tower or out in the grounds.

“Please, Lily? Another snowball-fight?” Sirius begged.

“You go on! I’ve only just warmed up again from the torture you put me through yesterday, so don’t count me in…”

“You’re so boring, Lily!” James said grumpily.

I gave him a stare and lifted my head, intending to go back straight away.

“Come on, Lily! You know I was just kidding!” he said pleadingly after me.

“Of course I know..” I winked, ruffling through his hair before leaving.

What was I going to say?

‘Dear mum, I don’t want to be home for Christmas because grandma and grandpa is coming? You see… They remind me all too much about all the stuff dad put me through…’

Yeah, that would definitely make her suicidal.

After sitting with my quill in the right hand for fifteen minutes, I managed to scribble down a quick note consisting of a white lie.

Dear Mum,

Sorry, but it’s my duty as Head Girl to stay here for Christmas. We have to make sure everything goes right. Really sorry about that… Hillary and Anna are staying, and I want to be with them this Christmas because it’s our last year and all. Give my best to the others.

Love, Lily.

As I send the letter with one of the tawny school owls, I felt slightly guilty. But no matter how much mum begged and tried to persuade me, I wouldn’t come home for Christmas. I was staying right were I was.

“Hey, what are you doing up here, looking all sad?” Remus said, stroking my back.

“Sending a letter to mum telling her I’m not coming home today,” I sighed. “Grandma and Grandpa are coming.”

“I totally understand, Lily. It’s not your fault at all, ok? Don’t blame yourself for your father’s mistakes,” he comforted.

“I know, I’ve been trying to do that for as long as I can remember,” I replied, looking at the dark sky.

“You know you can talk to me about these things, right?” he asked.

“Yes, you’re about the only person who knows, Remus…” I smiled wearily. “Thanks for everything.”

“Coming back? I think James and Sirius have their plans ready already for what’s happening the next few days.”

“Hm.. I was really going for the library, but since you’re asking so nicely, I’ll come,” I beamed.


I sat over a game of wizard’s chess with James, my mind racing on anything but the game. James sat there in full concentration, trying to decide whether to move his pawn or his knight.

“Gosh, will I ever finish this, Padfoot?” he moaned.

I barely heard him.

Was he ever going to get together with Lily? I had watched them flirting for weeks and weeks now, but they somehow never got there. I saw the way Lily swooned whenever James called her ‘ballerina’, and the way her eyes sparkled when he was around.

I noticed James’s endless attempts to make her smile. Sometimes he even said slightly rude things, just to get some sort of reaction. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

They went crazy around each other, there was no other word for it.

But what was really bugging me was how Lily suddenly had withdrew herself from him. Around Halloween, I was sure the time was right. But then… Lily had taken a total one-eighty turn.

At the same time, everyone could tell she had been really hurt by someone or something. Anyone who had seen her face wet with tears from last month knew what I was talking about.

Was there a connection? I would have bet my broomstick it was.

I knew she had been trying to hide it, but something made me feel James had done something he absolutely shouldn’t have. If there was one thing I had become good at, it was reading Lily’s looks.

Had she found out something that made her have a change of heart?

James had certainly noticed all these signs.

Endless times had he asked me if I knew something, anything, that would explain it. He had tried lurking it out of her, but he hadn’t succeeded.
Sometimes I had been close to telling him about her nightmare, about her dreamy looks I so often caught her in having. And the answer was always the same when she had them..

“What are you thinking about now, Lily?”

“What do you think?”


And then there used to be a fit of giggles.

Why hadn’t James just told her outright how he felt? What about all the love-letters he sent her in fourth and fifth year? Why was it suddenly so hard? I was almost scared to discuss it with him. He never answered that question.

Things seemed to finally loosen up between them, though. If they didn’t become an item soon, it would never happen. They would both burst with exhaustion after chasing each other, giving up.

“Sirius? You there?” James said irritably.

“Wha—Oh, yeah.”

“What were you thinking about?” he said curiously.

“You and Lily. The stupid game you’ve both put up. Are you aware of how exhausting it is? Can’t you just kiss the girl and tell her you fancy her? I’m sick of waiting.”

It was so good to get it out, at last. James looked sadly at me, letting out a sigh.

“I don’t know, Padfoot…”

“What? Are you having second thoughts about her?” I said in surprise.

“No! Nothing like that… It’s just that I’m finally starting to understand what Remus meant.”


“What if she doesn’t want me? What if she pulls away?” he said wearily. “Do I deserve her?”

“Stop the nonsense! When have a girl ever made you say that?” I groaned sternly. “You always did things first and then asked later.”

“I know.. But she’s so confusing! One second she smiles and doesn’t deny I was the hottest stag ever, (James smirked a little at this thought) and the next she looks really lost, like she has a huge killing snake inside herself.” James dragged a nervous hand through his hair. “How am I supposed to handle such a unique and complicated girl?”

“Just kiss her, ok? Can’t hurt. You’ve kissed her before, right?”

James waved his hand at me.

“On the cheek, that’s a totally different thing!” he said, resigned.

“How did she react? Tell me.”

“Well… her eyes were kind of flickery, and I definitely sensed a spark. She even held her breath… Like she was awaiting something huge. But after I’d kissed her, she sort of pulled back.”

“Exactly! She wanted you to kiss her for real, like… snogging, and she was disappointed when you didn’t.”

“Really?” James spirits rose.

Then they suddenly fell.

“Well… How do you explain what happened next week, then? The week she cried and cried.. looked like someone had ripped her heart out.”

I looked exasperatedly over at my best friend.

“Maybe she started doubting your feelings after you didn’t kiss her properly,” I suggested, knowing it must be far from the truth. Something much worse had to be the cause of the hell of a week Lily had been through. Or was it two weeks? I didn’t reckon she was THAT mad about James.

There were really two options. If it was anything about James, it had to be worse then him making out with and almost shagging Irma on Halloween. What could possibly be worse? The other was that something terrible had happened that didn’t have anything to do with James at all.

“You reckon?” he said insecurely.

“YES! So tell her! Give her a nice Christmas present! Kiss her! Get together with her!” I yelled, slightly out of breath.

The minute I’d finished the sentence, Lily and Remus came into view from the portrait hole, apparently coming from the library. I saw James eyeing her longingly, watching her throw her long red hair over her shoulder, laughing at something funny Remus had just told her.

“You two having fun?” she said happily, leaning down to the chessboard. “I think you’re going to win this one, Sirius…”

“Fully aware of it, Lily. Why don’t you try and help me beat Prongs even faster?” I suggested.

“Sure!” said Lily, dragging a stool with a gold and scarlet pillow on the top over to our table. “Watch me win you over, James!”

“Er… I think you already have,” he replied, looking at her with a sigh I knew was not about the game.

“Huh?” she said in puzzlement.

“Never mind,” James smiled, knocking over my bishop with a firm hand.

A/N: Ok, everyone. The next chapter, “Christmas Eve”, was originally REALLY long. I would guess around 4000 words. So I decided to split it… Resulting in two updates. How is that? So think of the two following chapters as ONE chapter. Got it? I just split them so they would be easier to read for you all. =)