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My Reflection by Astrid Elisabeth

Format: Novel
Chapters: 55
Word Count: 115,470

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, Romance, Angst
Characters: Dumbledore, Lupin, Sirius, Lily, James, Voldemort
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 10/03/2004
Last Chapter: 07/02/2005
Last Updated: 01/01/2012

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Lily Evans felt her leotard hug her curves. Her hands were placed in third position and her feet in fourth. She was standing there, prepared to turn and perform a hopefully triple pirouette in front of her audience. The smile of James Potter was on her mind. After all, it was because of him she was standing on this stage. She hated it, but that was the truth. This is a different James/Lily story with quite a few twists. Hope you like it! Banner by Iced_Cherriez.

Chapter 18: A Virgin

Chapter Eighteen, A Virgin

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Any problem in the world can be solved by dancing.
- James Brown

I walked down the corridor, knowing Lily Evans would soon come from her dancing lesson. I had overheard a giggling girl in the library during lunch break saying they only had dancing right after lessons every day this week, and I knew that included Lily. I saw the girl dancing with her in the show.

My mind was racing. What would I say to her? I hadn’t really spoken properly to her since we broke up, and that was almost half a year ago… We had exchanged a few words before the holiday, but that wasn’t many.

What would she do anyway, when I came along like that? How would she react? I knew for a fact that she hadn’t exactly been happy after she broke up with me. The two months remaining in sixth year was hard on her. She walked around not caring about anything, just burying herself in schoolwork and ballet. I knew that for sure because Hillary had told me once she was in a bad mood and needed someone to yell at. I hadn’t realised I had hurt Lily so badly saying those things. But my relationship with her had always been tense. I knew something was not right from the start, but I ignored it because I was head over heels... I forgot everything when she was in my arms. I missed that more than anything..

Then I saw her slender body emerge from the studio at the end of the corridor. But she wasn’t wearing the tight stuff she used to.. she was wearing baggy trousers and a black tank top. Her hair was in a ponytail, not in a bun like it used to. She was smiling brightly, and had clearly been working hard. Her water bottle had only an inch left in the bottom.

I felt my heart beat faster immediately. I decided I had to talk to her, if I was ever going to get her back I had to contact her soon. Everything depended on this conversation I was about to have, even though I knew it really wouldn’t change anything. No matter how it turned out, I wouldn’t abandon my little plan. I wanted her back.

She came out of the changing room, still smiling. She was wearing the green trousers I knew she loved, and layer upon layer of clothes on her upper body.

She had almost walked past me when I touched her arm. She turned around, and looked slightly surprised when she saw who it was.

“Bryn! I didn’t see you there…” she said awkwardly.

I smiled nervously at her.

“I just wanted to tell you, you were amazing in the show on Saturday.. You really impressed me.”

“Oh..” She said, stopping up. I saw her pale cheeks turn slightly red and her hands fiddle apprehensively with her hair.

“Are you going back to the Tower? I would love to walk with you some of the way, if you don’t mind?”

I was careful to seem confident and in a good mood, as if this was just a normal girl I found attractive. Not the one who made my knees go weak and my heart race when I saw her.

She seemed hesitant and reluctant at first, considering the possibilities. I was almost dying the five seconds she thought about it. It felt like ever. Couldn’t she just answer?

“Sure,” She said shortly, starting to walk only a second after she’s answered.

I ran a little to keep up with her, realising this was not going very good. But it could have been much worse…

“So… How was your summer?” I asked her, trying to engage her into conversation.

She looked oddly at me, obviously thinking that was a silly question.

“We’re getting very close to November, and you’re asking me about my summer?” She laughed.

I loved that laugher… I hadn’t heard it properly for months. It felt good to be the one talking to her when she laughed.

“It was good, I just spent it in England visiting relatives and chilling at home. How was yours?”

‘Extremely bad without you, but you don’t know that…’

“It was Ok, nothing special,” I said casually.

I knew we were getting to the point where we had to separate for different dorms, and I hated it.

“Well.. I’ll see you around,” Lily said, reaching the hall that would part us into different corridors.

“Yeah,” I said, scratching my neck, grinning at her. “I’ll come and talk to you some other time.. Ok?”

She gave me a little smile and walked down the high white corridor leading somewhere near Gryffindor Tower.

‘That didn’t go too bad…’ I thought, before continuing in the opposite direction.


‘What was that about?’ I thought, climbing through the portrait hole. ‘He actually dared to talk to me, what an improvement. It doesn’t really matter though, because I don’t want to speak to him.’

I sighed and eyes Sirius in one of the chairs by the fire.

‘What the…’ I thought in surprise.

“Sirius, what the hell are you doing?” I frowned down at him, almost gasping at what I saw.

There was Sirius Black, the prankster and the lady-lover, with a pair of glasses on his nose and an enormously thick book on his lap.

“Oh, er.. Lily…” He said, quickly ripping the glasses off and closing the book, putting it aside. “I was just.. trying some stuff out. Don’t bother to think about it. Perform a memory-charm on yourself, that’s probably best.”

My hands were placed on my hips.

“Tell me, Sirius Black, what was that all about? You know I’ll keep taunting you until you break, so spit it out!”

He looked daringly at me, raising his forhead.

"You think I'm that easily persuaded?" he said in amusement.

"Not really, but I could easily blackmail you if you don't tell me..." I said, feeling my grip on him tighten with each word.

"Really?" He said, sounding slightly more insecure.

"Well... I was going to try out that invisibility cloak of James' the other night, and I stopped at your dorm. I heard strange noises."

Sirius went slightly pink.

"And... I was practising this new hex the same evening. It's called the 'blushing-hex'. Not that you'll need one..." I smiled evilly.

“Fine Lily, FINE!” He said exasperatedly as I found my wand.

“There you go, good boy, you know what’s for your own good after all…”

“I was just reading.”

“I’m not buying that,” I laughed. “You never read unless it’s got to do with schoolwork. That was not a textbook as far as I know?”

“Ok, I was just trying to learn some stuff and try something new.”

“Not buying that either, Mr Black…” I smiled.

“Ok, ok, stop the miss-know-it-all attitude! It’s this girl…”

His voice was suddenly loud and half the common room turned their heads. That meant three persons. It wasn’t very occupied. He grabbed my blouse and pulled me down to him.

“I know she likes smart guys, so I’m trying to look smart with the glasses and the thick book. Do you think it’ll work?” He whispered through gritted teeth.

Who was the girl getting Sirius down on all four to get to bed with her? This had to be something special. Not even Sirius used to do that.

“Who is she?” I grinned.

“Tessa Valburg,” He said hardly.

I got away from his grip and laughed. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Tessa Valburg? Should have figured. She was the pretty blonde who only dated shy and smart guys. She was actually a girl Remus had had a fling with a while ago.. And now Sirius wanted to get her? This was hilarious!

“What are you laughing at! I’m being serious!” He snapped.

“I know..” I choked out. “That’s the funny part. You’re after her? Since when did you get so desperate to sleep with Tessa Valburg?”

If I had known what went through Sirius’ head right then, I would have slapped him.

“Because she’s pretty,” he said, but I saw the lie shining in his grey eyes.

“The real reason, thank you?”

“You can’t know. I can’t tell you.” He simply said.

“Oh really?”

“Sorry, but this is one thing you’re not getting out of me,” Sirius protested.

I looked down at my wristwatch.

“Hm.. I have to go to Professor McGonagall to have a chat about my Head Girl duties… So I’ll talk to you later?”

“I can come with you if you want to?” He smiled. “I’m bored to death without Prongs…”

“Of course you can! But I don’t think Professor McGonagall wants you there.. so you’ll have to wait outside. Got it?”

“Yeah, whatever..” Sirius groaned.

As we passed the dancing studio I suddenly remembered Bryn.

“Know who came and talked to me after my ballet lesson earlier?” I said, looking at him.

“No idea.. Who?”

“Bryn Johnson,” I sighed.

“Oh no, Lily… Him? The twit on the Hufflepuff team? Wasn’t he the one you dumped because you didn’t love him and he was all mean and said evil stuff to you?”

I was surprised Sirius remembered that. It wasn’t like him to remember something so detailed unless it had to do with school or activities in bed. Or food, after second thought.

“Yeah, that’s him..” I confirmed.

“What did he say? Or DO for that matter.”

“He put on his charming smile and told me I was amazing on stage, then he wanted to walk with me back to the Tower, which I let him, no idea why, and then he said he’d come and talk to me again soon.”

I said all that in about one breath. It was really exhausting, but I had to get it out.

“He wants to get back together with you,” Sirius said at once. He was close to getting a light bulb hovering over his head.

“How do you know?” I pointed out.

“Because I do the same thing if I get addicted to a girl in bed. Have to start to be all nice to her and talk to her and stuff like that…”

He actually rolled his eyes. I was surprised. I knew he deep down was kidding, but I was surprised anyway.

“That can’t be it, because I never slept with the guy,” I said hardly.

“Oh? You didn’t? Why?” He said casually.

I gasped at him. “What do you THINK? First of all, I wasn’t even properly in love with him, and second, I didn’t feel ready.”

“Aha… Good one,” He said after some thought. “But really, Lily, don’t get back together with him, whatever you do.”

“I won’t! I don’t even like him any more, so how could that happen?”

“You never know with girls. They often do the exact opposite.”

“Fine, whatever,” I gave up.

“But why are you suddenly so keen to date Tessa Valburg? You gave up on her way back …”

“Promise not to tell?” He pushed his lower lip forwards and looked sadly at me. Like a little puppy..

“Of course!” I smiled sweetly.

“I had a bet with Remus in fifth year, and it’s still going on.”

“And? What was the bet about?” I said, eyeing him suspiciously.

“That I have to kiss, make out with and maybe even sleep with all the girls Remus ever dates at Hogwarts. He’ll let me get away with one, though.”

“That’s so disgusting! He doesn’t feel bad about that?” I said, shocked.

“No, Remus has this funny feeling about relationships. He doesn’t really care when he’s through with them. Of course that depends and varies, but then I just wait until he says I can have a go.”

“So where does this lead to…?”

“Well, I didn’t fetch Tessa after they made out, so she became the one I couldn’t shag. But THEN… you came along, dear.”

I laughed hard. Sirius was about to lose that bet because of me.

“So, I have no choice if I want to win! It’s either you or Valburg, and to be honest, I’d prefer you, but I know that would never happen. Valburg has a great body and all, but she doesn’t have any brains.. she’s as empty as a nutshell. Have no idea why Remus ever had a fling with her. Probably to challenge me...”

I shook my head. “So you do care about what the girls you sleep with have in their heads? Wow…”

“Come on, Lily. I care if I sleep with a Gold Fish. That’s how stupid she is. That’s why she dates clever guys too, so she looks smarter. Wouldn’t surprise me..”

“But… wait a second… Remus dated Gwen right after we’d… talked… and kissed…”

“Good observation,” Sirius smirked.

“Well?” I said impatiently.

“I already did her… Don’t you remember? I had her for a short week in sixth year. So I’ll pass, it’s just Valburg who’s on my list for now.”

“Aha,” I eyed him, amused.

We reached Professor McGonagall’s office and Sirius was quickly denied any access. So he had to walk back to the Tower by himself, because she refused to let him hang in the corridor as well.. Poor thing.