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My Reflection by Astrid Elisabeth

Format: Novel
Chapters: 55
Word Count: 115,470

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, Romance, Angst
Characters: Dumbledore, Lupin, Sirius, Lily, James, Voldemort
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 10/03/2004
Last Chapter: 07/02/2005
Last Updated: 01/01/2012

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Lily Evans felt her leotard hug her curves. Her hands were placed in third position and her feet in fourth. She was standing there, prepared to turn and perform a hopefully triple pirouette in front of her audience. The smile of James Potter was on her mind. After all, it was because of him she was standing on this stage. She hated it, but that was the truth. This is a different James/Lily story with quite a few twists. Hope you like it! Banner by Iced_Cherriez.

Chapter 11: Fainting

Chapter Eleven, Fainting

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We're fools whether we dance or not,
so we might as well dance.
~Japanese Proverb

“Great, Lily! That was fabulous!” Lindsay smiled when I bent down into the ending position of my solo. A big smile was curling onto my face.

I stood up, drying the sweat away from my forehead and rotating my feet to stretch. I had been given a whole day to bring the dance to perfection, something I was very close to doing. The two dances I had with the other girls were swirling very vividly in my head, and with only a few days left, I was really looking forward to performing on stage.

“Don’t press yourself with that pirouette, though.. Do a double if you feel like it. Don’t push it too much, because you’ve already done that,” Lindsay said seriously.

I didn’t know what to do but smile. Finally something was working out … And that helped. I still hadn’t spoken properly to Remus since the incident in the common room, and it bothered me a lot. I prayed it wouldn’t change anything. I cared about him too much to let that happen.

“Ready for Friday then?” she reminded me, tapping the music box so it closed.

“I think so, that’s the dress rehearsal, right?” I answered.

“Yep, that’s it. I reckon the stage will be up at around six o’clock, so I think we’ll start around seven-ish or something … That ok with you?”

“That’s perfect,” I yelled, leaving to change. I had to get down to the Quidditch-pitch to watch the game with Anna and Hillary.

Gordon Hacklesmith’s voice yelled through the cold air as the Quidditch-players mounted their brooms. Hillary and I stood there, dressed in all the scarlet and golden clothing we had. We cheered and yelled along with the rest of the students. Mostly there were Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors, since they were the ones playing, but Ravenclaws and Slytherins occupied some of the space as well to watch.

I was thrilled, I hadn’t watched Quidditch in ages. Madam Tylips stepped out on the pitch, the mass screaming extra loudly as the Quaffle was thrown in the air.

“Black is the first chaser to snap up the Quaffle! He throws it to Bruch … Oh! Watch out for that bludger, mate! Hufflepuff is in the possession of the Quaffle now.. Gets close, that was a nice one, Vinley! Vinley has the Quaffle.. she’s close to the goal now.. and Hufflepuff SCORES!”

A lot of booooo’s emerged from the Gryffindors, on the contrary, the Hufflepuffs were cheering and being jubiliant.

“Why did you come with me, Hillary? I though you didn’t like Quidditch,” I said as Gryffindor scored when the match had reached its fifteenth minute.

“What do you think? Hot players, or I wouldn’t bother going out in this cold weather…”

I laughed and heard Hacklesmith announcing Potter’s first goal.

“And who do you think is worth staying outside for?”

“Who do you think? Black, of course! That Conrad on the Hufflepuff-team isn’t too unfortunate looking either … not to mention Potter!”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Since when did you join the fan club?” I said, looking at her in disbelieve.

“It’s not only because of the looks, Lily! Haven’t you noticed how they’ve really started to get a grip? They were much more bullying and big-headed in their earlier years … I like that change.”

There was that word again. ‘Change’. It reminded me of the last conversation I had with Potter. How he claimed he had changed and would change even more. I let a playful smile find it’s way to my lips and yelled out as Gryffindor scored again:

“That’s it, Potter! You seduce that Quaffle with your handsome face!”

He happened to pass our stand just as my words floated out, and I could tell he didn’t believe his ears. He flew off, but turned around, staring at me with his eyebrows almost hidden behind the black hair falling down, covering some of his forehead.

I laughed. He was still very self-centred. He was in for a huge job if he still wanted to change for me… That ego was made for me to calm down.

Suddenly Hacklesmith’s voice went mad and commented the chase of the Snitch between the two very talented seekers. They looped and turned, but the snitch seemed stubborn today. Before it was out of sight again, Potter and Black had scored two goals each, making the Gryffindor supporters explode with applause and screaming.

We jumped up and down on the spot, encouraging the players on.

“Potter… Facklet… God, that girl can play! She scores another goal for GRYFFINDOR! Woooow… The Quaffle caught by Vinley again, going on to Hyde, who’s hit by a nice bludger from Thomas.. That must hurt!”

Suddenly I felt my vision become blurry … I tried hard to focus, only resulting in my eyes starting to water and my head to start aching. My feet collapsed under me as they had done in ballet-classes earlier, and everything went black as Hacklesmith yelled that Gryffindor was in the lead with 90 to 40 …

“Look.. I think she’s coming to it again!” I heard Remus’s voice faintly say. I felt a horrible taste in my mouth, which was all dry. I slowly opened my eyes again, trying to move, but not managing to. Things were as unclear as ever, and I didn’t manage to keep them up for very long.

“We have to get her to madam Pomfrey,” I heard Anna’s concerned voice next. I think most people around me were aware of what was happening, because the noise was not so loud anymore. But I could still hear the yelling and the cheering, so I assumed the game was still going.

I felt my body being lifted up and carried away by three or four people. I heard Remus talking to Hillary about watching my head. All I wanted was to say something, but my lips were as unmoveable as the rest of my limbs.

Everything went black again as they hurried up to the castle with me between them.

“Lily? Oh good, I was starting to get worried,” Madam Pomfrey smiled.

“What happened?” I said, trying to sit up in bed.

“No, no, no! You’re staying here for a little bit longer, dear,” she told me strictly.

“But I can’t! I have the dress-rehearsal coming up really soon!” I exclaimed.

Madam Pomfrey looked sadly down at me.

“We’ll see about that … You fainted down at the match, you’ve worked too hard for too long, Lily. Last time this happened you were so busy you forgot to eat!”

I probably had. I didn’t think about food, I just ate so I managed to have enough energy. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I had lost a few meals.

“It’s not serious ,is it?” I asked, looking at her with sad eyes.

“I don’t think so. But if I were you I would slow down the tempo. How’s your feet doing, by the way?”

I smiled up at her, stretching out my little feet, wiggling my toes.

“They’re fine, those herbs you gave me really helps. I can’t tell you how grateful I am …”

Then I heard knocking on the door to the hospital wing, and madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes.

“It’s probably your friends, I had to force them out so you could wake up in quiet circumstances. I will let them in now, but not for long!”

She moved over to the door and had barely opened it before Anna, Hillary and Black of all people entered with a blast.

“Hey girl! How are you? You really freaked me out there…” Hillary hugged me, looking up at my pale face.

“Yeah, don’t you ever do that again …” Anna said, sitting at the foot of my bed.

“It’s not like I had any control!” I exclaimed, sighing slightly. “Where’s Remus?”

Black smiled his well-known-smile.

“He had work to do,” he simply said, looking over at me.

Anna and Hillary noticed the very handsome Hufflepuff-player, Conrad, and hurried over to see how he was doing. According to their comments he received a bludger at a particularly painful place. It didn’t take long until they left, yelling a “see you later” at me.

‘Oh no. Alone with Black. Great.’

“Not happy to see me? I just wanted to let you know that Gryffindor won,” he said, kneeling down next to my bed.

“Ok… Why do I have the feeling that isn’t all you want to tell me?” I said, looking at him suspiciously.

“Yeah, that comment you yelled at James, too,” he stuck out his tongue playfully at me.

“What about that?” I laughed.

He screwed up his eyes and mocked.

‘That’s it, Potter! You seduce that Quaffle with your handsome face!’ … What was that all about?”

I looked at him innocently.

“I just wanted to see his reaction, honestly…” I said.

“Do you think I’m falling for that? You’re attracted to him, aren’t you? I knew you’d fall for him, just like I told you.”

I threw my pillow at him and sat up straight in bed.

“I am not! I just wanted to see his reaction! And I was correct, he’s just as attracted to himself as the girls in his fan club.”

Black laughed at that. And I couldn’t help it, I laughed with him.

“Lily,” he suddenly stopped.

I was on my guard. Him using my first name like that was not good. Either he was trying to make me admit something, or he was telling me something serious. The latter was the case.

“I heard about Remus… I’m sorry he rejected you,” he said.

I rolled my eyes.

“Come on! Aren’t you guys finished with that yet? I told you, I’m ok, and I just want things to be the way they were before!”

“That’s not what you told Prongs yesterday …” he said almost right after I’d finished my sentence.

The Marauder’s shared EVERYTHING … It was like they knew every word the others had ever said. It was freaking me out … thoroughly.

“I know, but I was just putting it that way to make a point, ok? It’s only … you know, the same old thing about James and me.”

I regretted saying that so much. Not only had I mentioned myself and Potter in the same sentence, I had said it with only one word in between. That word was ‘and’ of all words I could have picked. Plus, I had used his first name in stead of the usual bitter ‘Potter’. That was not good at all… And on top of that, Black noticed.

“The same old thing about James and me..”

He appeared to be thinking.

“Do you have to repeat everything I say? You make it sound as if I said something wrong!”

“No, this time you were actually very correct. James and you. Lily, you two have been at each other since … third year. Isn’t it time to mature?”

‘What?’ It exploded in my head.

“What exactly are you saying here?” I said slowly.

“You’re in love. And I mean that as the two of you, not just as you.”

I went berserk. There was no other way to describe it. If Black was there to tell me that I was in love, I had a right to yell at him for being such an expert on love when he had slept with close to every girl I knew. He had made me realise one thing, that the word 'affection' was hidden somewhere in my mind, and that was enough. If he was going to play the God of Love with me, he was playing a very dangerous game.

“I am NOT in love! How DARE you to come and… and… just SAY something like that? I’m NOT in love with Potter or ANYBODY.. Understood?”

That’s my problem,” he simply said. That forced me to calm down.

“Excuse me?” I said, creasing my eyebrows.

“You’ve said that for too long, Lily. I know you’re just hiding it all away, and that you’re really, actually … in love.”

“Fine! Pretend to be the shrink! Just tell me exactly what I feel, because I certainly can’t find out!”


“You just said it, Lily dear! You don’t know what you feel! So how can you say that you’re not in love?”

“Because! I’d KNOW, diphead!”

“Not necessarily,” Black said, looking assigned.

It was actually kind of hilarious. I was sitting there, denying everything he said, going crazy, and he sat there as calm as ever. It wasn’t hard to see who had problems coming up with what to say. That was me!

“Explain it to me then, mister-know-it-all,” I crossed my arms, sitting back, looking at him with my lips in a straight line.

“Fine,” he said, leaning onto my bed. “It’s like this. You’ve always thought Prongs was nothing but a prat not worth spending a single moment more than necessary with. Nod if you agree.”

I nodded.

“And then, he starts asking you out once in a while,”

“Once in a while…? Rephrase.”

“Ok, he asks you out very often. And you say no every time, because you think he’s still a big-head.”

I nodded. “Couldn’t have put it better myself.”

“Good. But then, he starts to change. He doesn’t cast hexes on dear old Snivellus so much anymore, and the girls chasing him around stops being so numbered. Nod if you agree.”

I looked hardly at him. But I nodded slowly.

“And then it happens that you start finding out you like being chased around by Prongs, and that you like him asking you out, and then reject him.” By now Black was telling this as if he was reading me a poem. It was silly.

“Objection..! I never liked Potter asking me to go out with him,” I said seriously.

“Ok, ok.. maybe not. But after Remus turned you down about a week ago, you’ve started to look for someone else to like as more then a friend.”

When I didn’t respond he went on.

“And there is Prongsie! Waiting so willingly, wanting to change for you and everything, and if you don’t find him good looking, you’d be the first female in school to think that, so there you go!”

I faked a yawn.

“Was that all? Good. I want to get some sleep so I can get this blasted head-ache off me for tomorrow.”

Black smiled and stood up to leave. But madam Pomfrey hurriedly came over before he had started to walk.

“Black? Just take her with you, she doesn’t have to sleep over here, she’ll be fine,” she said happily.

“Wonderful,” I said sweetly and got up, changing with a flick of my wand and smiling up at Black.

When we were on our half way to the portrait of the Fat Lady, we still hadn’t said anything to each other. But then…

“You didn’t object,” Black said out of the corner of his mouth.

“I know,” I answered, digging my hands down in the pockets of my skirt. “Don’t tell?”

“Sure thing,” Black said before we reached the portrait hole. His grin was even more Black-ish than I’d ever seen it, if that was possible.

A/N: I’ve had quite a lot of reviews saying that James was a Seeker. That is wrong, as it’s only the films that portray him as a Seeker, while he’s actually a Chaser. JK Rowling has said so herself, if in doubt, check The Harry Potter Lexicon on the web.