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I always knew it's you by ScaredSissi

Format: Novella
Chapters: 3
Word Count: 10,457
Status: WIP

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Contains profanity, Scenes of a mild sexual nature, Substance abuse, Sensitive topic/issue/theme

Genres: Humor, Romance, Young Adult
Characters: Lupin, A. Longbottom, James, Lily, Sirius, Pettigrew, OC
Pairings: Remus/OC, James/Lily

First Published: 06/27/2016
Last Chapter: 08/09/2016
Last Updated: 08/09/2016

She has always dreamed of being in love. Not just any kind of dull, everyday love. A raging, earth shattering, relentless love, one that is the work of destiny, not just lonely nights and vast amounts of wine. Too bad he doesn't acknowledge her existence. Too bad he is full of secrets. Too bad that Hogwarts of the 70's is not the most romantic of places. Too bad that even with the greatest of loves come consequences. Is she ready to endure the love of her life? 

Chapter 2: Of strudel and unorthodox solutions

 Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I never have, nor I ever will. If I did, it would be all about a happy family with magical abilities.


Tuesday, December 6th, 1976, 08.22, 6th year´s girl´s dormitory

„Is she still asleep?“

„Yeah. I tried to wake her up, but she just groaned.“

„Should we go without her ? Or take some serious action?“

„What kind of action do you have in mind?“

 „ Maybe we could dump a nice cold bucket of water on her?  That´s a classic.“

„You mean as a punishment for being a lazy anti-morning drone?“

„Sure. Drench her hair and clothes and her precious bed, so she would be even more late. Maybe she would  receive a long lecture about the importance of punctuality from Sluggy resulting in detention. That would teach her ! Or is it too overused? Should we try electroshocks? Or both of these combined?“

„FINE! Fine, I give up!“ I shouted, throwing my blanket of me aggresively.

„It´s yours and your stupid coffee´s fault anyway!“

„Oh, don´t be so grumpy! It´s a beautiful morning, start of a new day filled with joy of having your loved ones near!“

You would swear Alice was on acid. But no, she is just that optimistic.

„You are only happy because it´s the Herbology day.“ Said Solbjørg with a knowing grin.

„It´s the hot replanting partner daaay!“ Lily chimed in.

„Oh stop it guys“, Alice said „you know it´s not just that.“

„I am not sure. Are you lying, or are you being FRANK?“ I said, quite proud of the pun. A true british girl has to love two things: tea and puns.  As I am only half british, you can deduce that I am not too fond of tea.

„ I can’t win with you lot. What about this? I’m freaking starved, so you should stop your pointless banter and go for a breakfast. RIGHT NOW. Oh, and Anna, you look like shit, get yourself together.“ Alice said, annoyed.

„Aye, that’s how I like my mornings, cold and grouchy.“ I said collecting my uniform from where I left it last night.

„ You go without me,my fellows, save yourselves from the excrutiating experience of stomach cramps caused by shoveling everything at once into your greedy mouths.“ I said, wiping my imaginary tears with my jammie-sleeve.

„But, shall we let you face an increasing chance of gastric ulcers on your own?“ asked Lily with concerned expression .

„Well, it is considered true that shared happiness is double happiness and shared sorrow is only half sorrow...“

„Merlin, stop wasting time! Lily. Breakfast. Now. Anna, hurry, we will meet you there,“ordered Solbjørg  and Lily immediately listened. Not that Lily is an obedient person. Not one bit. You just don’t mess with annoyed (hungry/thirsty/sleepy/ raging because of injustice) Solbjørg. Must be a nordic thing.

So I was left alone. This is a rare happening, having three roommates and living in one building with hundreds of other people, while technically not being allowed to go anywhere else.( Boarding school= communism?) Not that I don’t love it here, I do, but I would really appreciate a little more privacy.

That’s why I really enjoy this „me, myself and I“ time.  As a regular teenage girl, I always get these mortifying ideas like running around in underwear, jumping on the beds, shouting the intro of „It’s in his kiss*“, dressed in my poor unsuspecting roommates‘ clothes. And to be honest, I mostly follow them through.

But right now there was no time for my theatrical realization. I ran towards the bathroom,shimmying out of my pajama pants. I threw them along with my t-shirt on the pile next to my bed and tried to put on my uniform in the shortest possible time, without falling down. There was also no time for a long psychological staring into the mirror. (You are young. You are beautiful. You are desired.) So I settled only for the damage control. After looking into the mirror, I found out that Alice was right, I looked like not only I was up all night, but I went for a walk and wandered into hell.

 I’ve never considered myself very attractive. Cute maybe, hot, nah. But this was ridiculous. My light brown (or dark blonde, I never really understood the difference) hair, that’s almost long enough to make people wonder whether I sit on them when I go to toilet, was lying flat on my skull, not straight nor wavy, giving me the whole unhealthy greasy look. My usually big grey eyes were red and my eyelids were swollen like they just couldn’t wait to be closed again. To top it off I had really dark circles underneath them. Gross.

I looked exactly how I felt.

I yawned and rubbed my itchy nose with my hand. There’s no way I can make myself look presentable (at least not like a junkie) and make it to the breakfast in time. At times like this it, being a witch doesn’t really help. You can’t find a reliable hair-straightening spell in our textbooks. Maybe I should start reading Witch Weekly.

 I splashed my face with some water, hoping it would give my slavic features a little colour and put my hair into messy bun. Repulsive or not, I’m not skipping my morning cocoa.

I have eighteen minutes left. I can pull this off.

Thanks to the adrenaline rush caused by knowing what time it was, I finally felt awake. I took my bag and ran towards the Great hall. Please note that if I was told to run for my life, I would probably die.

After four minutes and a few breathers, I arrived to the Great hall. There were only a few latecomers, so I could easily spot my friends, sitting at the Gryffindor table, waiting for me.

„Ah, you lovely lasses always provide me with the warm feeling of friendship.“

„And friendship comes with benefits!“ I said, as I snatched strudel from Lily’s plate and stuffed it into my mouth.

„You really are terrible today. You made us late for breakfast and then ate the last strudel. What is next? Murdering my family? Tipping a cow?“ said Lily sharply.

I looked at Alice, seeking some help and acceptance, but she just shot me a disapproving look.

„Sorry. Well, not actually. It’s too good to be sorry. Best decision of my life.“ I said and filled my mouth with the last piece of the strudel.

„Can you believe her manners ?! You do deserve the ulcers.“

„Sit down Anna, we already have your cocoa prepared for you,“ Said Solbjørg, who always enjoys our fake arguments.

I sat down, while they returned to the topic, that has been interrupted by my arrival.

„Well, I don´t get the concept of getting dates just to go wander around a village, either,“said Lily.

Oh, apparently there is one last Hogsmeade trip scheduled. Yay!

„Don’t let Potter hear that please, that would cost us whole lot of fun we are going to have when he tries to ask you out,“said Solbjørg „and don’t be so sour. We need the change of scenery. And some excitement. By excitement I mean men. And the..uhm , interraction with them, if you know what I mean .Pheromones, endorphins, you can’t argue with that, it’s science.“

That is typical, Solbjørg defending her dating habits. She seems really tough, but in fact she kind of depends on male affection. And as a tall, strong and very blonde nordic girl, she gets plenty of that.

As I wanted to join the conversation with a snide remark about the excitement level of a guy picking his nose in the corner, I felt a strange lump in my throat. I tried to make it go away by drinking the cocoa, but it was no help. I felt like my tongue was too big to fit in my mouth. The conversation went on, but I no longer listened. I frantically tried to swallow, but it was no use.

Maybe if I took one more sip.. Suddenly, my breathing got heavy. I couldn’t swallow the cocoa in my mouth, so it leaked out on my shirt. That brought the attention of my friends to me.

„Anna, you little pig!“ exclaimed Alice while laughing at me.

I looked at her with terror.

„Anna are you ok?“said Lily with concerned expression. „You know I didn’t mean the thing I said about ulcers, right?“

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t swallow. I looked at my hands. My fingers looked like tiny sausages. Strudel.

„Answer me! Whar number am I showing?“ said Solbjørg waving three fingers in front of my face.

My world got blury.

„elp“I managed to blurt out.

I caught a glimpse of McGonnagal near. Lily must have seen her too, because she called to her, indicating to me.

McGonnagal saw how desperate I looked, so she came right away.

„What’s the matter?“ McGonnagal asked with a little irritated tone in her voice. We must be holding her up.

„There is something wrong with Anna, profesor,“said Alice. Well said Alice, that sentence kind of sums up my whole existence.

I felt McGonnagal’s cold bony fingers grasp my chin to make me look up to her.

 She examined my face, while I struggled to breathe.

„Miss Goodwin, how are you feeling ?“she asked, but I couldn’t make myself answer.

Even my eyesight was getting worse. Is it medically possible for my eyes to get smaller?

„Look, her face is swelling up, it must be some kind of alergy!“ said Lily.

„Has she eaten something today? Do you know what could have caused that?“

„Only my strudel“said Lily hysterically „with pumpkin and poppy.“

I gasped for air desperately. The last thing I remember is throwing up all over my shirt.


Tuesday, December 6th, 1976, 09.23, the hospital wing

Sky. Clouds. Clouds flying over me. Beautiful colourful clouds. Clouds are now close to me.  Clouds feeding me something.

Wait, what?

I felt absolutely lost.

„Miss Goodwin, do you hear me ?“a voice came from what I previously assumed were clouds.

I know this voice. But where have I heard it before?

I tried to make my sight focus.

„“ I verbalized my exact thoughts.

I tried to sit to get a better look, but I felt too weak, so I supported myself with my elbows.

 Everything around me was white. Walls, bedding.. Everything except for a bunch of people standing in front of me.

„You are in the hospital wing!“ said lady (who I recognised as Madam Pomfrey) cheerfuly.

„Here, swallow this!“she said as she stuffed a potion into my mouth. I did as I was said and made a face. It tasted like I imagine dirt mixed with dish soap would taste like. Bleh.

„You had an anaphylactic shock,“said Lily from behind.

„ Ana-what? Like an alergy? Is it even possible to have anaphlasmatic shocks in wizarding world?“

„Anaphylactic. And yes, indeed, it is very possible to have alergies in wizarding world. Remember, same sicknesses, better cures. Maybe except for dragon pox, I can’t imagine a muggle catching that now. Well, there was this incident in the fourteenth century when that poor merchant caught it on his travels and since muggles had no idea of mere existence of this kind of sickness, logically they had no cure for it. And that’s the story of how the whole of Eurasia ended up dealing with the pandemic. They named it The black death after that.“

„Oh,“I said. I understand that people can get a little carried away by the things they are passionate about. I do not understand how can one be passionate about dragon pox, though.

„ So back to your case, Miss Goodwin. Is there something you are alergic to?“

„Poppy, I guess. Last time I have eaten it I was about four, but I remember simmilar reaction.“

„It was in that last strudel of mine, that you have eaten!“shouted Lily with sudden clarity.

„Miss, why would you eat something, you know you are alergic to ? Did you do it on purpose? Do you have some mental problems? I have leaflets for that. Show me your wrists. If not that, I must assume you thought this was a clever way to skip classes!“

„No,no!“I said as I was showing her my perfectly uncut wrists.

Damn, this is embarassing. How do I explain that in contrary to a rulebreaking mastermind , I’m just a careless fool?

„I just ate the strudel. I didn’t look. I didn’t think. The last time I ate poppy I was freaking four. I didn’t even recognise the taste.“ I said, trying to look as honest as possible.

Madam Pomfrey cast a long look at me, analyzing me.

„Well, I have no other options than to trust that you wouldn’t  deliberately assasinate yourself. Still, remember,I am watching you. And for your condition, I will keep you untill tommorow morning, but you should be fine. The adrenaline potion truly is miraculous.“said Pomfrey and then turned to the girls.

„Could you bring her some clean clothes?“

„Why? What’s wrong with my..“

I looked at my shirt, which was white, too big and definately not mine.

That’s when it hit me.

I puked all over myself in the Great hall. On the scale from 1 to 10 in awkwardness, that is probably a number,that only engineering students know about. There even exists a phobia of throwing up in public. I never was a girl, that would care for her reputation too much, but this will destroy me. I will forever be that girl who hurled in the Great hall.

„Oh, no.“

 „Don‘t worry, there weren’t that many people.“ Said Solbjørg. Then she patted my leg to comfort me.

„It will still spread around the whole school faster than pandemic,“I said, mentally scarred by that thought. I could totally picture the posh girls (and /or Slytherins) making squeally disgusted noises when they enter the Great hall. Or maybe they will stuff their fingers down their throats and call me names, when they meet me. And it would be very shitty names, because my name only rhymes with banana.

„Could you bring me those mental health leaflets, please?“ I asked Madam Pomfrey,  on the verge of tears.

Lily and Alice sat next to me on my bed and hugged me tight.

„Aw, don’t worry, Annie. People will forget all about you as soon as something happens again. We have the Marauders! I’m sure they will do something big and stupid soon,“said Lily and stroked my back.

I must have looked really awfull, if she talked about the Marauders as our saviours. There may be some hope in that, though. I really wish I had guessed right last night, that they were planing something big. I can only pray that they won’t disappoint me.

„I will go fetch your stuff, so you can return that shirt, kay?“ said Solbjørg, who finally stopped patting my foot and stood up.

„And I will go report to McGonnagal, as I promised,“said Lily, the always responsible prefect.

„Okay, visit me after lessons?“I said, knowing they will eventually have to attend them.

„Sure thing,“ Solbjørg said and Lily smiled. „Be good.“

Alice stayed by my side, looking through the leaflets, that madam Pomfrey dropped off.

„I didn’t know you had to return clothes to hospital wing immediately. What would they do if I died? Rip the shirt of my cold lifeless chest?“ I asked.

„Oh, the shirt’s not from hospital wing.“

„Where is it from, then?“I asked determined to solve this mystery.

„I will tell you, but please, don’t freak out.“

„Why would I freak out about something like that? Of course I won’t freak out.“

„Pinky promise ?“Alice asked and raised her pinky to my eye level.

„Alice, I hate to break it to you, but we are sixteen. SIXTEEN.“

„No pinky promise, no information,“she said wigling her pinky in front of my face.

„As long as no one can see us.. Fine! Pinky promise!“I said and linked my pinky with hers.

„This better be good.“

„Okay then.  Well, you remember that part about you throwing up all over yourself and passing out in the Great hall, right?“she asked and I rolled my eyes at her.

„Go on.“

„We really freaked out then, but McGonnagal kept her cool. She levitated you and ran to the Hospital Wing. We ran ahead and bust the door open for your levitating self, only to reveal our darling Remus getting dressed on one of the beds.“

„ No way,“I said, shocked. I was kind of glad that he was alive and well, but he has seen me like that. Unconscious, vomit stained, swollen. And I thought I looked bad in the morning.

„For Merlin’s sake let me finish this. So we burst in like the flood and screamed for help, because Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen. We saw him sitting on the bed, all wounded and shirtless, so we asked him about Pomfrey’s whereabouts. He looked confused, but then he saw your levitated body and ran for your help. Vomit or not,he caught you mid air and placed you in the nearest bed. If it wasn’t so scary, it would be kind of romantic. Meanwhile Lily has found Pomfrey, who screamed: „Anaphylaxy!“ and stabbed your poor self with an adrenaline shot. It wasn’t a very nice look. Your face was all blue and swollen, we really thought you were about to die. But then you started breathing and we all celebrated, I even cried. That’s how much I love you.  Then we realized that you were wearing vomit so Pomfrey told us to bring you clean clothes. We were too scared to leave you so soon after that incident, so Remus offered us his shirt. We knew you’d be excited, so we took it, cleaned you up and put it on you. Are you breathing ?“

I wasn’t.  I don’t know if i tis possible, for a teenage girl to survive two kinds of a shock a day.

„Where is he now? Did he say something? Was he horribly disgusted by the sight of me ? How does he look like shirtless?“

Typical me, keeping my shallow in every situation.

„I have no idea where he is now, he left right after Pomfrey said you will live. He didn’t look too disgusted. Well, you had vomit all over you and he tried to avoid touching it and you kind of looked like a blueberry but...“

„Please, continue to the next question. And thank you for boosting my self esteem.“

„Sorry. Well I have to admit he laid you on that bed very gently.“

„My martyr.“ I said, dreamy expression on my face. Sure, he’s seen me like that, but what if he has really well evolved social empathy? And he LAID me into a BED. How intimate is that ? It’s like I always imagined...Well without the puke and uncosciousness, but not everything can be perfect, right ?

„And for that last question, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,“Alice said, suddenly looking worried.

„What is it? Does he have three nipples or like really obscure back hair?“ I asked, hoping it was neither.

She rolled her eyes and scooped closer to me. 

„I don’t know if anybody noticed it too, with all the panic, but I did and it was really weird,“ she whispered.

„Merlin Alice, what is it? Spill it you’re making me uneasy.“

 „Well his torso, which is by the way toned, but not too muscular, slim but still manly, is scarred. I don’t mean like a scar or two, here and there, caused by youth rebelion. It’s like a scar on a scar on a scar. They are mostly white so they aren’t very visible, but up close, Merlin. Infinite scars. His skin actually must be made of them. Disturbing. He looked like the people in those leaflets that enjoy cuting themselves.. Or like he was ripped into shreds multiple times, “ she said in one breath and put a supportive hand on my shoulder. She knows how I feel about him, everybody does. Well except for him.

I found it hard to absorb this information. I was looking straight into the white wall that was in front of me and traced the soft cracks in the paint, like it were scars on Remus’s back. Why would somebody so gentle and kind have so many scars? Scars symbolize violence..and combat..and pain. Remus is none of that.

Well maybe if I put 2 and 2 together.  Yesterday night. Remus missing. Battered Marauders roaming the halls at 5 o’clock. Scarred Remus in hospital wing. Remus missing many times a year. What are the intervals of his missing? I will have to figure it out, maybe I will even write it down. The girls already say that I’m a stalker so who cares. There must be something fishy going on. Remus is the physical evidence.

When I pictured Remus, my beautiful Remus looking like that, I shivered. I suddenly felt the urge to hug him and cover him with a soft, fluffy blanket. I would let him rest his head on my thighs and stroke his hair, because that’s how problems are solved. Is he abused ? Are they a part of a cult or do they simply just beat the crap out of each other ? Are the others equally scarred as Remus?

No. I guess not. If Sirius was scarred, the whole castle would know about it. He and James are seen half naked so many times, you get used to it. It even feels natural, just like seeing your own body.

 Everytime, when Gryffie wins a quidditch match, Potter makes a big show of taking his shirt of and twirling it above his head. Black mostly joins, even though he isn’t on the team, nor does he know how to play quidditch.

Due to my thoughts, I almost failed to notice that Alice was getting up from my bed.

„I see this piece of information affected you deeply, so I will leave you alone now. Also I have a herbology lesson to attend. Au revoir. Stay alive !“she said as she playfully patted me on my head.

„Bye! Visit me after school please ! Please! Don’t let me suffer alone!And enjoy Firmbottom!“ I called after her.

All my intentions to further analyze given situation were foiled, when Madame Pomfrey entered the room and gave me some sleep potion,  because, as she informed me, I am here to sleep it off.  I drifted into peacefull, dreamless sleep afterwards, only to be woken up by sudden burst of noises and laughter.

I opened my eyes, feeling chewed up and spat out, due to artificialy induced sleep. I greeted my overly- excited looking friends and sat up.

„So what’s going on?“ I asked as they exchanged very weird facial expressions.

„Did people talk about me ?“

„Well, we have a very funny story connected to that,“said Solbjørg and poked Lily in the ribs.

„It’s funny because it didn’t happen to you. Also Anna, you owe me your life. After this stunt I pulled for you, you have to name at least one of your future children after me,“ said Lily, who was on a contrary wearing a very ashamed and serious expression.

„Don’t hold it up anymore! Did you fight somebody for me ? Or something like that?“

„You know, Lily’s more of a lover than a fighter,“said Alice and Solbjørg burst out laughing.

Lily threw them a nasty look and  continued.

„I’m not gonna lie. You were a major discussion topic at lunch. But when people started doing impersonations of you at dinner, it got out of hand. We were just sitting there, eating, when we heard some Hufflepuff bimbo tell a passionate story about how you puked all over McGonnagal, because you have a serious drinking problem and/or you are pregnant . We decided we can’t wait for something to happen, that could make people forget about you, so I just... I can’t say it. Solbjørg,  your turn. I will just curl into a ball of shame, there, in the corner and cry.“

„So the thing is, as we were helplessly trying to come up with a plan of our serious action, the Marauders barged in the Great hall...“

„I feel the need to remind you, that we were really desperate and we were doing it for the sake of your reputation,“ said Lily.

„Don’t interrupt me ! Or do you want to say it ? You can’t, I’m already on a roll. So the Marauders were walking towards our table, when this girl here, which we knew by the name Lily stood up. We didn’t know what she was up to, only we could see the determination in her eyes. You can only imagine the surprise of every single person in the Great Hall when she called out: „Hey, Potter!“  and when he turned face to face to her, clearly flabbergasted, she grabbed him by the ass, pulled him towards her and kissed him. It was so quiet you could hear a sound of Snape’s heart breaking. They stood there exchanging saliva for about four minutes, then she pulled back and without as much as goodbye left the hall. It was magnificient. He was standing there, mouth ajar, pinching himself. I bet people are still talking about it.“

Out of every single possibility, this is what I would never expect. I reached out and hugged Lily tightly.

„I will name every single one of my future eleven children after you! Even my sons! You are the best! Also, I need details. I can’t believe you kissed Potter. I mean wow. Wow...Really?.. Wow.“

„I’m too ashamed to talk about details. I still can’t believe I have done that. That boy sure is an annoying piece of egocentric jackass, but damn, he can kiss. I mean, ew, it’s still Potter, I’d never want to have something to do with him. But it wasn’t bad. Technically it was a bad thing to do, but it wasn’t disgusting.“

„Lily and Potter sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage!“sang Solbjørg and Alice in unison.

„ Argh, I knew I will be a target of your jokes for the rest of my life. Also, Solbjørg, you are Norwegian, how comes you know american nursery rhymes?“

„That's pop culture, baby.“

„With all the fuss, I forgot to tell you the news!“ exclaimed Alice.

„Oh no, I don’t know if I can take anymore news today,“ I said.

„Don’t worry, this is positive news. Although, Lily snogging Potter is positive too. So I talked to Frank ..“

„Alice and Frank, sitting in a tree...“

„Solbjørg, don’t make me use your middle name on you. So he invited me to this huge soirée, which  is a Ravenclaw term for a party, that is held in common room on Friday. I promised we will go. So are we going ?“

„Of course we are going!“exclaimed Solbjørg, the infamous lover of "soirées".

„Do you honestly think this is a good idea? After today’s horrific aftermaths on mine and Lily’s reputations? Because I kind of want to crawl into a hole or a dark corner, collect mice and hiss on people,“ I said, not too thrilled about the prospect of being the laughing stock of some uber- inteligent Rawenclaws.

„You know, you should loosen up a little. Care less about what people think of you and have fun. You know, none of this nonesense will matter once you're 90. But a nice memory of dancing on a coffee table will be cherished forever.“said Solbjørg, knowing she had won.

She is right. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the pks of youth. And if somebody laughs, let them laugh at me, dammit. In these tough times, we need to use every chance we have to laugh. 

I was just about to confirm my participation, when Pomfrerey barged in and sent them all away, much to my dismay.

Oh, she is approaching me with another bottle of fake sleep. Looks like tonight I may finally get a healthy dose of it.


*In case you were wondering, It's in his kiss, or as you may know it, "The shoop shoop song" is a single written by Rudy Clark.It was first released as a single in 1963, when it was sung by Mary Clark. However, the song became popular a year after when it was recorded by Betty Everett, which seems a bit unfair if you ask me. It gained international recognition after Cher remade it in 1990 as a soundtrack to her movie "Mermaids", directed by Richard Benjamin starring Cher, Winona Ryder, Bob Hoskins and Christina Ricci (who by the way looks exactly like my aunt Nadya). Is this enough?