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Valour by blackballet

Format: Novel
Chapters: 45
Word Count: 100,067

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Contains profanity, Strong violence, Scenes of a sexual nature, Substance abuse, Sensitive topic/issue/theme

Genres: Drama, Horror/Dark, Romance
Characters: Dumbledore, McGonagall, Lupin, James, Lily, Sirius, Pettigrew, Voldemort, OC
Pairings: James/Lily, Remus/OC, Sirius/OC, Other Pairing

First Published: 08/07/2013
Last Chapter: 06/05/2016
Last Updated: 01/12/2017

banner by me 

Life goes on

But so does death


          Innocence and arrogance combine in a story about eight newly-graduated revolutionaries. 

Chapter 15: The Face in the Truth

 (July 9th, 1979)


It was so hot that Sirius could barely stand up to go get the owl that was tapping at his window incessantly. He wiped some sweat from his brow, and picked a hair tie of Dorcas’ off the living room table. He twisted his hair back tidily and opened the window to the creature. It hobbled inside, and Sirius could see its tiny heart thumping heavily.

“Let’s get you something, huh?” he muttered to himself, untying the small note it carried on its leg and heading to the kitchen for a treat that Dorcas kept for her owl, Venus. He walked back to the window where the owl stalked proudly, and held out his hand. The owl snipped its beak at Sirius’ hand and snatched the treat hastily. The owl forced its head under Sirius’ hand, and Sirius pet it wearily, rubbing his eyes with the back of his other hand. He slipped his thumb under the tab of the envelope, and the owl stiffened suddenly. It took off as Sirius turned the letter over slowly to look at the return address.

No return address. Just the initials R.A.B. Sirius looked out the window as he realized that must have been Regulus’ owl Mimsy. He opened it sloppily and tossed aside the envelope to read the letter. He unfolded it and breathed deeply before setting his eyes to it.



Father is dead. Died of a heart attack last night, he did. Mum is fine. Thought you should know.



“What’s that?” Dorcas asked quietly as she came out of the bedroom sleepily. The two had made amends about the miscarriage over whiskey and sex. Sirius crumpled the letter and tossed it across the room into the trash bin and Dorcas put some bread down in the toaster.

“Nothing. Trying to sell me some shares in Spellotape. What a daft idea, huh?” Dorcas pursed her lips, but said nothing more and walked into the kitchen. “How was the meeting?” Sirius asked casually as Dorcas started spreading some jam over a piece of toast.

“You know I can’t talk about that.” Sirius walked over to the kitchen, kissed Dorcas on her bare shoulder, and grabbed a slice of her toast. She scoffed and turned to look at him as he walked into the dining room. He looked back at her and smirked.

“I know there’s a lot to look at, darling, but there’s no need to stare,” he exclaimed, feigning shyness and crossing his arms over his chest and backside.

“Shut it,” she said, dusting her hands of crumbs over the dish. Sirius continued into the dining room and sat down, flipping through a book that Remus had left the last time he visited. Dorcas wiped the edge of her mouth and peeked into the dining room. Seeing that his back was turned, she reached her arm down slowly and dug the letter out of the waste bin.

Dorcas saw Sirius’ head snap up as she sifted through the papers, finally clutching the letter and running to the other side of the kitchen as Sirius got up and stalked towards her.

“Dorcas!” her growled, following her around the kitchen as she unrumpled the letter hastily. “Give it!” He reached his hand out, but Dorcas held it far behind her body and out of his reach. She turned her head and kicked Sirius in the shin as he grabbed her around the waist. He let go and clutched his knee as she continued walking, reading the note eagerly.

Her smile faded as she scanned down his message, and she looked back to him crossly. He stood up straight and tossed a strand of hair out of his eye sheepishly. He walked forward to her cautiously and she chucked the letter at his chest in disappointment.


“Dorcas. It’s the same as Coraline you can’t be mad,” he reasoned as she headed to their room. Her feet landed loudly on the wooden floor.

“Can’t I?” she asked, throwing open Sirius’ nightstand and throwing out a pack of cigarettes, and lighter and a metal flask before reaching her goal. Sirius hung in the doorway as Dorcas turned around, a pile of unanswered letters slipping out of her grip. She threw them across the room at him and took more out of the drawer, throwing them at Sirius as he approached her slowly. “What the fuck, Sirius?” she yelled as she threw the last of the letters onto the floor. “Every time I fucking see one of those letters I heave in relief that Voldemort hasn’t gotten him killed yet!”

“Dorcas we found your sister dead in her room last month and the most you did was take a picture from ten years ago!” She sat down against the bed and ran her hands through her hair.

“Fuck you. You know she was after my money,” she spat at him, reaching in his drawer again and tossing the first thing she grabbed at him.

“What money, Dorcas?” Sirius asked in exhaustion, dodging the comb and coming to sit next to Dorcas.

“I guess you’re right.” She got up and sat in his lap, leaning her thin frame against his wide body. “Well then she was after your money.”

“That sounds about right,” he scoffed. “Now come on.” He tapped Dorcas on the hips and launched her up from his lap.

“Oi!” she exclaimed as Sirius kicked her lightly on the bum. “What’s up your arse?” she grumbled as Sirius launched himself up from the floor and began digging through her armoire to find a suitable outfit for her Healer training. Dorcas flopped on the bed and grabbed Sirius’ pack off his end table, pulled out a stick, and stuck it between her lips. She snatched her wand from the middle of the bed and lit the cigarette that hung out of her mouth.

“We’ve got to get going,” Sirius urged, tossing a pair of scrubs at Dorcas as she laid back on Sirius’ side of the bed, clad only in her black lingerie.

“Where are you going?” she asked in surprise. Sirius had taken to not leaving the house since Moody’s banishment.

“Nowhere. You’re going to work, though.” Sirius leaned forward and took the cigarette out of her limp mouth, putting it in his own and struggling to fit an undershirt over Dorcas’ arms.

“Who are you and where have you put my boyfriend?” she questioned again, complying with Sirius and letting him put her shirt on over the tank top. She stood up and slipped on her cream-colored pants before stealing her cigarette back from Sirius. “So you’re not going to go visit Regulus?” She put the cigarette in her mouth and took a quick inhalation before he stole it back.

Sirius frowned immediately and stubbed the cigarette in the ashtray that stood precariously on the edge of the large dresser they shared. “No,” he grumbled powerfully. “Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know where to find him.” Sirius picked at his fingernails, and sat on the edge of the bed as Dorcas popped up.

“Well there you are,” she said cheerfully as Sirius’ mood took a turn for the worse. She wound her hair up in a French twist and stuck her wand through it. Dorcas walked around the room quickly, picking up all the discarded clothing from the week, and throwing it in their hamper. “You know, you could pick up some around the house while you’re home sulking,” she mentioned as casually as possible, peeking back at Sirius who was in the middle of taking off his pants and slipping back into bed.

“Yeah or you could pick up the clothes and consider it your rent money.” Dorcas turned around in shock and put her hand on her hip.

“You own the house, Sirius.” She turned her back on him and rolled her eyes, collecting the letters she’d thrown his way and stuffing them in her nightstand. “I wouldn’t be paying rent, regardless.” She looked to him scathingly and a confident smile graced his face.

“I love you so much, Meadowes.” Dorcas smiled gaudily, unable to hide her beaming teeth. She bit her lip and climbed on the bed clumsily. She hovered over him, and Sirius’ hands rested on the backs of her thighs gently.

“Honestly,” she whispered, her lips grazing his, “clean up this fucking hell-hole.” She leaned forward the last centimeter between the two and kissed Sirius innocently. Sirius went to grab her stomach, but she’d already hopped off the bed and made her way to the door. He shook his head at her as she walked out of their room, stepping into her trainers that sat by the doorway.

Sirius leaned back and closed his eyes peacefully. He listened intently to the woman he loved searching for her keys in the kitchen before she gave up with a huff and ripped the wand out of her hair to lock the door magically. He knew her so well.

“Do something today, Black!” she yelled, breaking Sirius out of his reverie on her way out the front door.



(July 15th, 1979)


“And that’s all we’ve got on the muggle attacks,” Alice said in closing, smiling at Dorcas as she solely clapped for Alice. Dorcas’ clapping slowed down until the room fell into a silence with shuffling papers on the side.

“Well, if that’s all,” Peter said aimlessly, looking to and from his fellow Order members, waiting for the sign of dismissal from the leaders. Moody glanced at Arthur Weasley and squinted, nodding his head toward the front where Alice had stood.

James cocked his head to the side as Arthur stood up nervously, taking his wife’s hand and leading her up there with him. “Molly and I have an announcement,” he burst as Molly held her stomach lightly, her eyes tearing up. Lily’s eyes lit up in anticipation, but most others looked around uncomfortably. There was little to no way to feel good about raising a child in this environment. “We’re pregnant again!” he exclaimed finally.

A forced smile broke on Dorcas’ face, but no one noticed as everyone stood up and made their way to the front to congratulate the couple. Lily began clapping emphatically, and other’s joined, but Dorcas hesitated a bit too long. Lily looked to James, who, similar to Dorcas, was clapping politely and making his way down the line to give Molly a hug.

“Congratulations,” Lily broke out, placing her head on Molly’s shoulder and hugging her tightly but being careful not to squeeze her middle too roughly. Molly pulled back and held onto Lily’s shoulders, smiling widely at the young girl.

“When did you find out?” Lily asked curiously, looking at Molly’s unexpectedly flat midsection.

“Oh, he’s only a month,” Molly said, waving her off. Lily’s eyes widened, and her mouth broke into a smile again.

“Another boy?” Molly laughed, and she looked to Arthur fondly as he took congratulations from other members.

“I’ve got a feeling,” Molly appeased. Lily nodded happily, and moved to the side as the next wave of members came forward. She leaned against the door gaily, and sighed, gazing at the older couple fondly. James came to her side after giving his best to the Weasleys and put his hand around Lily’s shoulders, squeezing her slightly.

She leaned against him and hugged him around the middle, unable to contain her excitement. James looked down on her strangely as she looked up freely. The two looked back to Arthur and Molly, and Lily sighed again, her green eyes filled with hope.

“Let’s have a baby,” she whispered against James’ chest. James’ face faltered slightly, and he rubbed Lily’s arm gently as she watched the happy couple in awe.

 “No. That’s final.” James took off his trousers and pulled off his glasses, placing them on the dresser next to their bed.

“What’s that mean?” Lily asked angrily through her tooth brush. She spit out her saliva and toothpaste in the sink in their adjoining bathroom and turned on the faucet to wash her hands. “What’s that supposed to fucking mean?”  

James slid into bed as Lily stared at him from across the room dangerously. Her red hair was damp from the shower, and James saw the tips dotting her shoulders with water. “God, James!” she exclaimed as he stared at her blankly. She walked towards her side of the bed and sat on the edge.

“Lily,” he said calmly, trying his best to reason with her. “It’s not right.” Lily looked back to him lividly and shook her head, teeth clenched and eyes wide.

“I want a baby, James.” Her eyes started tearing slightly as James ignored her again, turning his back to get the light.

“You think I don’t?” he asked bitterly and in the dark. Lily stumbled, but made her way under the sheets. Her foot touched James’ knee, and she drew it back as if he’d burned her.

“Then let’s have a baby!” she cried out. James heard her sniffling and went to put a hand on her back, but she shrugged it off.

“Damn it, Lily!” he yelled. His hand went to his face to remove his glasses, but they were already off. “Do you want me to get mad?” Lily sat up quickly and turned on her light.

“I want you to have a baby with me!” James threw up his hands in aggravation, and turned in bed to face Lily directly.

“Lily! If we have a fucking baby you have to stop being in the Order, do you hear me?” Lily sucked in her bottom lip and chewed on it furiously. “I can’t be there to stop you from fighting. You have to stop yourself. Moody doesn’t let me go on missions with you, it’s not a coincidence.”

“I’m not a child, James,” she grumbled, shaking her head at him again. James ran his hand through his hair and closed his eyes before taking a deep breath and opening them again.

“You are a child Lil. We are all children. It doesn’t make fucking sense to have a kid this young.” Lily let her eyes slant down to the bed. “And when you say you want to have a baby, I know it’s because you think we’re going to die before we’re twenty-five.” Lily looked up at James, her jaw jutted out and her eyes brimming with tears.

“Yes.” James crinkled his eyebrows. “I do think that.” Lily placed her hand over his and forced his fingers to meld with hers. “Statistically, not everyone is going to make it out alive, and I’ve made peace with that.”

“And you want to have a baby?” James asked in disgust. Lily moved closer to him and the two slid back down into bed next to each other.

“Yes. Because statistically, not everyone is going to die either, and I want our baby to be there when that happens.” James held Lily closely, her hair dampening his chest as she snuggled against him.

“I love you, Lily, and we can have a baby after this is all over. It’s just not,” he said, struggling for words, “the right time.” Lily broke her hand free from James’ and took a second to wipe her tears.

“I don’t think that I’m going to live through this, Jay,” she mumbled into her pillow.

“Don’t say that.” James said immediately, hugging Lily tightly. Lily turned around in her arms and sniffled on his chest. “Don’t you say that ever again,” he whispered into her hair. Lily felt James tremble against her, and she placed her palms on James chest to comfort him. “I can’t lose you, Lily.”

“I’m having a baby before I die, James,” Lily said simply, coiling her legs though his.

“What about me?” James pleaded. He ran his hands through her hair, clutching Lily to him closely. Lily breathed in deeply, smelling James’ soap. It was sandalwood. She’d picked it out. James’ hands continued shaking, and Lily took a deep breath before smiling into his skin.

“You’re dying with me, silly.” James’ body shook again, and Lily couldn’t tell if it was with laughter or sadness. The two didn’t move for quite some time, clinging to each other like they had the night that Lily’s sister and her husband fought all through to the morning. And also like the time that Marlene and Dorcas fought about her family for the last time. Quite like the time Lily comforted James when his mother died.

“Okay, Lily.”