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Larry Rotter and the Philosopher's Cologne by Sillymoo

Format: Novel
Chapters: 9
Word Count: 10,070
Status: WIP

Rating: 12+
Warnings: Mild Language

Genres: Humor
Characters: OC

First Published: 05/06/2011
Last Chapter: 11/20/2011
Last Updated: 11/20/2011

Harry Potter Parody,
Larry Rotter lives with his evil aunts, until he discovers he is a wizard!!!

Chapter 6: Chapter 6 - Pigs and stuff

Chapter 6.
“Arghhhh! Mummy! It’s a monster! Help!”
Larry was staggering around this unfamiliar destination, covered in stuff he wished had stayed in the toilet. The general public were giving him shifty glances and were shielding their children from him. Several small children burst into tears at the sight of him, convinced he was a monster. A rather official looking man was drowning out the rest of the station with his noise.

“Mummy! He’s coming after me!!!” continued the 40 year old man in a uniform and conductors hat.

Larry approached this man gingerly. He was in uniform, so he worked here. He can help, Larry thought.

“Excuse me sir? I was wondering if you could help me,” Larry said to the frightened man.

“Arghhhh!!!” Get away from me!!! Eat her instead,” he roughly thrust a rather porky old lady in front of him, “She’s got more meat on her!”
The lady proceeded to beat him with her handbag.

“Be cool dude! I’m not a monster! Jesus!” Larry was getting impatient; he had been walking around covered in crap for 20 minutes now. He wanted some assistance. He pulled back his fringe to reveal his fish shaped scar. “I am the famous Larry Rotter! You will help me!”

The man, obviously a duggle (not magical) had no idea what he was going on about, but the old lady stopped beating him with her bag and looked up at Larry.

“Larry Rotter you say?” she said, staring into his face.

“Yes, mam!” He replied. Finally we were getting somewhere!

“Oh my! Come with me, pet. A bit lost are you?” She pulled him by the arm, and led him toward a solid brick wall with Platform 3 and a half written on it. “I’ll soon get you cleaned up and on the right track. You off to Pigburps in the morning? Yes I thought you must be. My grandson is going tomorrow, same age as you. Very excited…”

They were only about 5 metres from the solid brick wall now. If they didn’t stop walking they would surely crash into it.

“Lady? We’re going to crash into this wall…”

She firmly gripped onto his arm and kept walking at the wall.

“Jesus lady!!! We’re going to crash!” Larry braced himself for the sickening thud as bone met wall, but there was none. They kept gliding through the wall as if it wasn’t there.

He found himself in a huge room with a skylight. It contained a large wooden crate, about the size of a house, a fridge, a sofa, a bed, an oven, a wardrobe and a lava-lamp.

“Now, let’s get you cleaned up.” She pulled out her wand a cleared her throat, before uttering the words “Hoogi mi wassle flip fissle, make this boy as clean as a whistle!”

Larry was instantly clean and radiated a faint fruity smell. “Is that papaya?”

“Mixed with mango. I find it quite refreshing, don’t you?”

“Lovely. Now, kindly tell me who you are and where we are!”

“Oh yes! How rude of me! My name is Doreen Winderpop, and this is where all the Pigburps students will be arriving tomorrow morning to travel to school. It’s empty for a majority of the year, so since the price of nursing homes has rocketed sky high, I live here now.” Doreen said this last bit with a wide grin, obviously proud of her cunning, deviousness. “I pop out to get food and my favourite knitting magazine once a week, but I don’t like to come and go too often in case I draw attention to myself. And, on September 1st when the students come, I simply stuff everything in the wardrobe, shrink it, and put it in my pocket until they leave. I know, I’m a genius!”

“Ah! Smart! So how come non-magical people don't fall through this wall all the time? Don't they see the sign for platform 3 and a half?" Larry questioned.

"Well, duggles are stupid aren't they? They don't notice things they're not looking for."

"Fair enough. My aunt's are duggles, and one of them can't even read, so I can believe that. So what’s in the crate?”

“Why, it’s the pig of course! How else would you get to Pigburps?”

“A pig? I thought we would maybe get a train or something…”

“What in the name of Bruce Forsythe is a train?”

Larry was confused. Doreen knew who Bruce Forsythe was, but she didn't no what a train was? What was wrong with this woman? “A train is a… never mind. Tell me more about this pig,” he said.

“Let me show you.” Doreen led Larry over to the wooden crate and pulled out her wand, mumbling some more funny words. A door appeared in the crate and Doreen opened it, gesturing for Larry to walk through. The crate was dark, he couldn’t see anything. Doreen muttered “Lightemus Maximus” and several balls of light flew out of her wand and suspended in the air. Larry could now see the pig Doreen was talking about, but he couldn’t see how it would transport him and hundreds of other children to Pigburps. It was a pink, plastic wind-up toy, which almost filled the crate.

“What the hell? This is taking me to school in the morning?”

“I’ll admit, it isn’t the most extravagant form of transport, but it has been getting children to Pigburps for years.”

“But… how… what the hell?!!! This is insane!”

“Insane is one thing it is not. Professor Wonderwall made this pig himself, after the flying pig and carriage they used to use crashed into a helicopter. It really is a remarkable piece of magic. On September 1st every year, a door appears and all the children pile in.”

“That’s ridiculous. I don’t believe you.”

“You’ll see in the morning love. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to have a sit down, my knees aren’t what they were.” Doreen walked out of the crate and the balls of light disappeared as she left. Larry followed her out, yawning.

“Ah, you’ll be wanting to go to sleep I suppose…” she said, and with a wave of her wand a fancy four poster bed appeared. “I bet you’ve had a long day.”

“You bet I have! But I can handle it, I’m amazing you see.” He sat down on the comfy bed, bounced a couple of times, and then leaned back onto the pillow, falling asleep almost instantly.