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Giving Professor Snape A Dose Of His Own Potion by rosai_gryffindor

Format: Short story
Chapters: 6
Word Count: 19,365
Status: WIP

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Contains Slash (Same-Sex Pairing), Substance Use or Abuse

Genres: General, Humor, Romance
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Snape, Seamus, Neville, Draco, Dean, Ginny
Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Draco/Hermione, Snape/OC, Other Pairing

First Published: 11/03/2007
Last Chapter: 08/20/2011
Last Updated: 08/20/2011


"‘Shnape ish on ze road to lurrrve… Garrrrrraw!'"
Somebody has slipped Professor Snape a Love Potion, but for whom? And it isn't necessarily a girl...
The Gryffindors are fed up with Snape treating them badly all the time, so they decide to teach him a lesson. But what happens when their crazy plan spirals out of control?

Chapter 5: Highland Haggis and Other Beardy Secrets

Disclaimer: "Oh my Rowling, what happened Harry Potter?" - Well, some fan decided to rewrite us in silly events...

‘I think that is quite possibly the hardest I have ever seen you stare at a textbook,’ continued Snape in cool amusement. He quickly sneered to cover up the fact that he was secretly impressed, sweeping his eyes over the neatly laid out ingredients. ‘What a pity you don’t show such an aptitude in class.’

‘You... you’re-’ stuttered Ron, blue eyes practically boggling out of his pale face.

Snape sighed deeply and had to actually stop himself from rolling his eyes. ‘Yes Weasley, I can turn myself into a bat. Not that it is any of your business... And speaking of business, what do you think you’re doing sneaking into my dungeon to brew potions unsupervised?’ He slapped his hands onto the desk, turning to face the terrified red head nose to nose, greasy hair flopping forwards over his still bruised cheeks.

Ron was quickly recovering from his shock, and decided to stand his ground. He even wanted to laugh because Snape looked as if he had a mild case of the Splattergroit, and happened to have only the day before been in love with Harry.

‘I’m not sneaking around, Sir,’ he said in annoyance. ‘Unlike you... coming in disguised as a bloody bat! As if you’re not scary enough already.’

Snape’s chest puffed out slightly at this pleasing accusation, but his cheeks flushed purple all the same. ‘Ten points from Gryffindor for talking back and use of foul language,’ he said breezily. This kind of reaction was second nature to him now.

Ron scowled and muttered something about love not making anyone softer hearted.

‘What was that?’ spat Snape.

‘Nothing, nothing...’ replied Ron hurriedly. He was in no mood to argue with Snape, and a sense of urgency had come rushing back as the image of Malfoy and Hermione came to mind, stabbing at his heart once more. ‘I came here to make counter potion if you must know, because... because...’ He hesitated, not wanting to explain the truth to the bitter professor, ‘...because if I don’t, things will get out of hand. Something has to be done, and fast.’

Snape stared at him for a second, experiencing brief déjà vu as he recalled saying pretty much the same thing to the Headmaster only moments ago.

‘Oh really?’ he inquired with suspicion. ‘I was under the impression that it was you and your silly little friends that were behind this ridiculous series of events...’

Ron looked indignant. ‘It was, but we never imagined this to happen! I- it...’

‘Well now you know how I feel!’ interrupted Snape. ‘The headmaster is blaming me, and Filch and your blasted bird... then there was yesterday...’ He stopped at the amused look on Ron’s face, realising that he was revealing too much to the arrogant Gryffindor. ‘Whatever Weasley, this has got too far out of hand and I’ve no time to stand about chatting. Get out of my way!’

Ron did not move, hovering behind the cauldron awkwardly as Snape confronted the textbook.

‘What’s the matter?’ the professor snapped, looking up at this idleness. ‘Gone deaf have we?’

‘No!’ Ron said loudly. ‘I just thought...’

‘Yes?’ asked Snape impatiently.

Ron shuffled his feet and shoved his hands in his robes pockets. ‘I just thought I could perhaps... help?’

Snape arched his eyebrows and pursed his lips tightly together, but Ron stood his ground. ‘It would make sense,’ he muttered. ‘I know you’re the expert and all that, but we need to get this done as fast as possible and in considerable amounts. If I help, the quicker everything will be sorted.’

There was a pause, in which you could practically see the grease gloop down Snape’s forehead to his ears.

‘Very well. But what you... brew, will be fed to Potter and his crew whilst I deal with the staff. If you poison your little friends, don’t come running to me for an antidote or expect me to cover your back, understood?’

Ron gulped. ‘Yes Sir.’ He hurried to the nearest cauldron whilst Snape bent over the one he had prepared, and began following the book once more.


Dean sighed and shuffled his feet nervously. ‘Right, err, so. If you all sit in a circle...’

The giggling pairs of love-struck couples ignored his instructions and continued to occupy themselves with their newly found hormones. The few who were not under the influence of love potion perched on desks laughing at their classmates’ antics, and somebody had let out a cage-full of partly transformed guinea pigs that ran squeaking and warbling underneath the chairs.

Dean thought it was a complete and utter shambles.

He had managed to send out a message to the fifth years suggesting they get together to play a huge game of truth or dare in McGonagall’s empty classroom, hoping it would get them all to the same place. And it had worked to a certain extent. They’d all agreed to come along... He just wasn’t sure how long they would stay interested. Pansy looked like she might escape to go find Ron at any moment if Ginny were to stop pointing her wand in her face, and Harry looked like he might burst soon and curse Ginny for threatening the ‘love of his life’...

‘I was a deprived child!’ he was screaming now. ‘I didn’t have a mummy and daddy like you did Ginny; I was locked in a cupboard with only spiders for friends. And believe me having eight legs and eyes does not make up for not being able to talk... I could be dead any day with Voldemort on the prowl. Just let me have the happiness I deserve with the one that I love!’

Ginny’s eyes filled with tears, but they did nothing to put out the fire blazing in their depths. ‘I’m the love of your life, Harry! You just haven’t realised it yet. She’s got the hots for my brother and your best friend. You can’t love her, she’s a- a- a- well her nose looks like a pig’s snout! She probably snores in bed. And during the day for that matter, listen to her snorting away now!’

Right on cue, Pansy snorted in disgust, but Dean thought it sounded more like a horse than a pig. He couldn’t believe this! It was hilarious to listen to, but at this rate he’d be better off under love potion himself than sitting around having to watch this lot bicker and... snog. He wrinkled his nose in disgust as Hermione and Malfoy started cooing like doves and nuzzling their noses together. This couldn’t go on any longer. He had to do something!

‘OY LOVERBIRDS!’ he yelled, springing up onto the nearest table and brandishing his wand in the air.

It worked. Every head in the room turned to face him, most of them gawping with their mouths slightly open having been interrupted mid argument or mid kiss.

‘Finally!’ Dean continued, cheeks flustered and hair dishevelled from running his fingers through it in frustration. ‘We’re going to play truth or dare.’ He kept his voice as loud as possible without actually shouting, so as to keep their wavering attention. ‘That means you get to make whoever you want do whatever you want,’ he wheedled, grinning as the group took in this information and started looking interested for the first time. ‘Everybody in a circle. I’ll spin my err... wand, to see who goes first.’

Peace finally descended on the classroom as the fifth years settled down cross legged in a circle around his table and stared at him expectantly, the couples holding hands and the singles glaring in frustration. They seemed to have put their fighting on hold in light of the opportunity to get revenge using the game. Dean rolled his eyes and scrambled off the table to stand beside it, placing his wand in the middle. He gave it a flick and it spun round in a golden whir, gradually slowing to a stop with its tip pointing at Goyle.

The hunk of a Slytherin hee-hawed like a donkey, then bared his teeth in a very mouldy grin. ‘I... dare... me...self to... kiss... Vinny,’ he grunted slowly and with great difficulty.

Dean didn’t know whether to be more amused by his misunderstanding of the game or the use of the name ‘Vinny’ in relation to Crabbe. It would have confused him as to who Goyle meant if he had not been staring goofily at his companion and already moving towards him.

The circle erupted in giggles like the rumbling of an aeroplane zooming across a summer sky, drowning out his protest at the rule-breaking. ‘Errr Goyle, that’s not really how it- oh ok never mind I see you’re already... careful you’ll knock Harry out!’

The boy who lived scooched out of the way just in time, but not before his glasses had been knocked askew by a stray elbow. Ginny immediately began to fuss and reach out to straighten them but he swatted her away as if she were an irritating fly. She sulked, pouting, and Dean hurriedly span his wand again, before a fight could break out.

‘Hermione, your turn next.’

‘Oooh!’ she squealed in a totally un-Hermione way, sitting up straight and preening her curls. ‘I dare Draco to tickle my ears!’

Even Harry’s jaw dropped at this statement and he took his eyes off Pansy to stare at his best friend as if she had turned into a slimy green alien. As for Dean, he nearly exploded and had to clutch his sides because they ached from laughing too much. He wished Ron had been here to hear her say that, but was also quite grateful his friend had been spared the hurt.

Draco hadn’t seen anything funny in Hermione’s choice of dare. He just proceeded to reach over and carry out the task, which the bushy haired bookworm seemed to find very relaxing; she was leaning back with a blissful smile on her face and even closed her eyes. A giggle escaped her lips and Dean hastily spun the wand again. This time it landed on Harry, who just dared Pansy to kiss him. She didn’t seem too happy about this, but decided he didn’t specify the details, giving him a quick peck on the cheek even though he tried to go full on. She flicked back her long black hair afterwards with a very audible ‘Hah!’, and laughed cruelly as he was left stupidly puckering up in the middle of the circle.

Dean soon became bored. All anybody would do was request the person they were bewitched to be in love with to kiss them. Watching Neville and Parvati was the worst of all, as for some reason it gave him a great clenching in his stomach like somebody had thrown him a punch and left him winded. Still, Ron clearly needed as much time as he could spare...

Suddenly the door was swung violently open and McGonagall flapped into the classroom, huffing and puffing, her hair still hanging loose down her back, robes ruffled, and clutching one hand to her magnificent hat that was nearly falling off her head.

‘Aaaaaah!’ she shrieked, dropping it as she took in the sight of her ransacked room and clutching at her heart instead. ‘Students! What are you doing in here?’

Dean had not expected their plan to be interrupted, but took the opportunity to tease the usually composed and strict transfiguration teacher. ‘Um, it’s a school, Professor?’ he offered with a wink.

‘Yes, yes, I know that! But here?’ she waved her arms vaguely about like a windmill. It was then that she noticed the positioning of the fifth years and the action going on around the wand on the table. ‘Is that a game of Truth or Dare?’ she asked, voice rising in pitch, her annoyance immediately fading away.

‘I foresee that you will play too, Minnie!’ came a floaty, dreamy voice from the doorway, and Professor Trelawney appeared, for some reason with a scarf wrapped around her head like an old lady at a muggle bus shelter. She seemed positively delighted at the idea of joining in with the game, and was clearly still under the influence of the love potion.

McGonagall groaned. ‘Must you always predict the future?’ she asked, patting her hair absently. ‘It’s becoming a very irritating habit you know. Most of us don’t want to know if we’ll die tomorrow, or if Filch will take a bubble bath in a nightcap, it’s quite unsettling!’

Trelawney giggled. ‘Oh Minnie you do say the strangest things! Let’s go play, I haven’t seen you take a dare since that night we all had a little too much firewhisky in the staff room and Snape bet you couldn’t-’

‘Sybil no! Shhhh!’ McGonagall’s eyes widened in horror as every one of the students stopped what they were doing to stare at the two teachers, ears pricked.

‘...couldn’t dance the Highland dance on the table wearing a kilt and stockings and balancing a haggis on your head.’

Laughter roared around the room and McGonagall blushed bright red.

‘Did you really do that, Professor?’ asked Harry. He scruffed up his hair at the same time, trying to impress Pansy with his boldness.

‘I- er... well,’ stuttered McGonagall. ‘That is to say I...’

‘She was marvellous!’ piped up Trelawney, hovering around her and quivering, whilst clapping her hands together in praise. ‘It was the most dashing thing I have ever seen. I would love to dare her to do it again!’

‘But Sybil, I have to go and err, do something...’ McGonagall was twirling her fingers in her hair and attempting to sneak towards the door. ‘Albus said he was-’

Trelawney’s eyes flashed, and she let out a hysterical giggle. ‘Oh no, no, no, Minnie! The headmaster has gone swimming in the lake. I foresaw that he would this morning darling. You needn’t bother him.’

‘Don’t be stupid,’ smiled McGonagall. ‘You’re just jealous. I know you are because Alby doesn’t swim in the lake. It’d wrinkle his-’

‘Ahh Professor?’ interrupted Dean loudly, before she could reveal any more. ‘Why don’t you fetch Professor Dumbledore and you can all play the game!’ He eyed her keenly, conscious of the fact that if he got the teachers to join in, it would be all the more easy to administer the counter potion because they wouldn’t have to go on a hunt for them as well.

McGonagall stared at him with wide eyes. Then her smile spread further across her face and she looked as if she might hug him. Dean stepped back just in case.

‘Yes!’ she exclaimed. ‘Yes that’s a marvellous idea! 50 points to Gryffindor for suggesting it. Alby? Albus?’ She pushed past Trelawney to the door and leaned out into the corridor calling his name.

Dean sighed wearily, his diaphragm aching uncontrollably. This love potion seemed to have effects other than just passion; everybody was acting so silly with it too! He was surprised at how fast the transfiguration teacher moved away from the door to reveal Dumbledore stepping in from the corridor as if she had summoned him using ‘accio’. For a moment the older wizard surveyed the scene in the room with a certain displeasure and Dean remembered with a jolt that unlike McGonagall and Trelawney the Headmaster was not under the influence of Amortentia. He hoped they wouldn’t be in trouble for this...

‘Oh, truth or dare...’ commented Dumbledore, amusement shining in his bright blue eyes. ‘It has been a while since I indulged in such activities.’

McGonagall let out a high pitched, nervous giggle. ‘I thought you might like to join in, Alby!’ she said, battering her eyelashes at him whilst still trying to maintain her usual prim, no nonsense stature.

Dean snorted as Dumbledore patted her gently on the shoulder. ‘I thank you for your consideration Minerva, the idea quite positively delights me.’

He turned and gave Dean a wink. McGonagall beamed and danced forwards towards the slightly disrupted circle of fifth years, and as the headmaster followed, he paused by him and muttered ‘Good distraction. Everything’s under control, I presume?’

Dean raised his eyebrows. He wondered if there was anything the wise old wizard didn’t know. ‘Uhh, yes Sir. Ron’s brewing counter potion right this minute, he should be along soon enough.’

‘Good, good,’ mumbled Dumbledore, and let himself be pulled onwards by an eager McGonagall, Trelawney following at their heals like a besotted puppy.

Dean felt as if he were in a disturbing dream that was impossible to awake from. He stepped back into the centre of the circle to take up his position as the game co-ordinator, and spun the wand once more.

It landed on Draco, who for once wasn’t interested in snogging Hermione. Instead his eyes gleamed with wickedness as he eyed up the headmaster. ‘I dare Professor Dumbledore to shave off his beard,’ he said with a smirk.

Nearly everybody in the circle gasped, and Hermione promptly kissed him for his ‘silly ideas’. He pushed her away gently and fixed his gaze back on Dumbledore in challenge as if expecting him to refuse.

The headmaster blinked, his expression stuck in a neutral smile. He sighed. ‘If that is what you wish for me to do, Draco, I will of course oblige.’

McGonagall’s eyes lit up and she clapped her hands together in delight. Around the circle a chant of: ‘shave, shave, shave, shave...’ began to ring out as Dumbledore raised his wand to his chin, waving his other hand in vague amusement and dismissal.

Dean could only gape as the long white whiskers began to shrink and disappear into thin air like dandelion heads blowing in a strong breeze. He rubbed at his eyes. This diversion plan had suddenly got a lot more interesting...

A/N: It's been a year since this chapter was first posted. To those who've been following this story from then or its beginning, I am truly sorry you're still waiting for more! I promise all of you the next and final chapter is coming - I just edited these previous 5 chapters because my sentence structure skills have improved vastly since I first started writing :P I shall complete and post the ending in the next week or so, though. Many thanks for your support, and any new feedback is always appreciated!
Rosai :)
P.S. yes that was a quote from A Very Potter Musical in the disclaimer... <3