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The Nine Lives of Harry Potter by JKButcher

Format: One-shot
Chapters: 1
Word Count: 2,053

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Strong Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature

Genres: Humor, Romance
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione
Pairings: Ron/Hermione

First Published: 05/23/2004
Last Chapter: 05/23/2004
Last Updated: 05/23/2004

A short humor fic by the same deranged author that bought you "Truth be Told." When Harry divulges the contents of the prophecy to his friends, things don't go exactly as he'd planned.

Chapter 1: Discovery

The Nine Lives of Harry Potter

A/N: Just an idea that I think I may have taken a little too far. But I needed to write it out before the plot bunny would leave me alone and I could continue on with "Truth be Told." Whenever I need a break from the far more serious longer fic, I'll do a chapter for this to loosen me up. I'd like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read :)

Chapter One: Discovery

Harry Potter had been doing a lot of thinking lately, not that he didn't normally think, he was just not really the thinking sort. This had alerted his good friends Ron and Hermione to the possibility that something wasn't quite right with the Boy-who-lived. As such, they decided to take time out from their incessant squabbling to talk to him about it. Their opportunity came in the middle of the fall term, the night of the Halloween feast. Tired out from all of the festivities, the rest of Gryffindor tower had gone off to bed early leaving the trio sitting alone by the fire.

"Harry, we've been meaning to talk to you," said Hermione gently. She elbowed Ron in the ribs and he sat bolt upright. He had been pondering what it might be like to kiss Hermione.

"Ow!" he exclaimed shooting Hermione a glare, his cheeks turning the color of his mother's pasta sauce. "What was that for?"

"For not paying attention, you prat," she made a motion towards Harry who was looking at the two of them with disinterest. He'd seen them go at each other so much that he was beginning to tune them out.

"I'm sorry," he said his voice dripping with sarcasm, "would you like me to leave the two of you alone?" Hermione turned beet red. For some reason Harry felt rather hungry looking at his blushing friends. Ron appeared to have caught the meaning of Hermione's elbow attack however, and his face grew suddenly serious.

"Yeah Mate," he began, "you really haven't seemed like yourself lately. We were wondering if you wanted to talk to us about anything." Harry, being the overly dramatic loner that he was, made no response but to bow his head.

"Oh come on Harry, you know you can talk to us about anything." She could see that Harry was getting mad for no apparent reason... he'd been doing a lot of that lately. He exploded out of the chair he had been sitting in and pointed a wavering finger at his friends.


Now at this point in a logical humor fic, some deep and ancient magic would have occurred leaving Harry, Ron and Hermione all trapped in each others body's in some conformation or another. Great entertainment would have followed as we watched Hermione struggle with going to the bathroom while standing, Ron playing with his new found breasts, and Harry finding that he suddenly had an attraction to other boys. This, however, is not your average humor fic.

"Calm down Harry," said Hermione, a tear coming to her eye. "We didn't mean it like that... it's just that - well, we love you and we hate to see you so down on yourself." Harry slumped back down into his chair with his arms folded over his chest.

"You love Harry?" he asked in a dangerously quiet voice. "I knew it! Of course you do, why would you even consider m-" Ron blushed again and shut up right quick. Hermione had summoned a pillow and was now swinging at his head.

"You ignorant git, I meant as a friend," she said with in a huff. Harry could cut the sexual tension with a knife, but he didn't have one so he used the next best thing.

"I know what the prophecy says," he blurted out in an effort to stop the two of them from tearing each other's clothes off right then and there. Hermione, who was standing over the top of Ron with the pillow held high poised for the next strike turned to face Harry, her flushed face quickly blanching. Ron, who had been protecting his head with his arms was the first to speak.

"Blimey..." He lowered his arms now that the threat of death by cushioning was no longer imminent. "How do you know what it said Harry? Didn't the prophecy get smashed?" Harry nodded as Hermione took her place by Ron on the couch.

"Dumbledore knew it already," Harry said softly. "He just thought that I was too young to understand it."

"So what did it say?" Hermione appeared to have calmed down some and she was rapidly regaining her logical side.

"Well - er - basically either Voldemort will kill me, or I'll kill Voldemort. Neither one of us can survive while the other lives, and no one can kill him except me." Harry waited for the gasps and cries that he knew were coming, but Ron and Hermione just sat there looking at him expectantly. "Um, that's it guys," he said with a puzzled glance at the two of them.

"Well that's hardly a surprise is it?" Ron exclaimed with a chuckle. Harry was incredulous. "I mean, You-know-who's been trying to kill you for how many years now? Quite honestly I would have been surprised if anyone but you had the ability to kill him."

"That's right Harry," Hermione chimed in, "I think it's safe to say that pretty much everyone in the Wizarding World knows that already." Harry was too stunned to say anything, he just sat with his hands gripping the knobs on the end of the chair arms while his mouth waggled like a fish's. "Just what was the wording of the prophecy though Harry? There may be a clue or something."

"Oh um - Either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives." To his amazement Hermione started to laugh.

"Oh that must have been a Trelawney prediction," she snorted. Harry and Ron stared at her inquiringly. "Don't you see? If that prophecy is true, Harry could go jump from the top of the Astronomy tower and not be in any danger of dying." Harry tried to wrap his mind around the concept, but as previously was stated he was a relative newcomer to this thinking thing.

"That's silly Hermione, we know that the prophecy is true because it was in the Department of Mysteries, not to mention that You-know-who was willing to risk everything to get his hands on it." Hermione appeared to consider this. Harry watched the back and forth like he were at a tennis match.

"So you think that Harry's practically immortal? You do remember what that is right, you can live for-"

"Yes, I bloody well know what it means! I just think that were Harry to jump off of the top of the Astronomy tower he'd somehow sprout wings and fly off before he hits the ground."

"Oh you can't be serious?" cried Hermione. "How does that make any sense at all?" Harry was inclined to agree with her on this.

"Well think about it," said Ron, nonplussed by Hermione's unwillingness to see things his way, "When Harry fought Quirrel first year, when faced with death he suddenly became lethal to touch, and that was carried on till Voldemort came back, as he still couldn't touch Harry then." Both Harry and Hermione opened their mouths to object, but Hermione was faster.

"Don't be silly, that was there all along, we just didn't know about it until the Quirrell incident."

"Let me finish," begged Ron. "Then there was the time when Harry turned into a fantastic broomstick flyer without ever having flown before, just so he wouldn't kill himself going after Neville's remembrall, the instance when he learned how to speak parseltongue to save him from the snake that Malfoy shot at him during Lockhart's dueling fiasco, the ability to summon a Patronus to save his own life when he'd never been able to do it before, the ability to wield a sword to kill a Basilisk which he'd never done before..." Ron had to come up for a breath. Hermione seemed to be considering what Ron had said, and Harry could see her nodding her head slightly.

"As a kid I did bounce when I fell off the roof that one time," he said to himself. Ron had overheard though.

"See! And you thought I was crazy! I say we go test it out." Harry shrank at fear on the crazy glint in his friends' eyes.

"You can't be serious!" shouted Harry. "You can't just throw me off of the roof!"

"Actually," said Hermione slowly, "I think that may be a good idea. I mean we need to know what we're dealing with here. I can't just start my research in the middle of nowhere." Harry made a move to get up and away from his two crazy companions.

"You both are sick! SICK!"

"Oh come on Harry," said Hermione clicking her tongue. "You aren't the least bit curious?" Harry shook his head and made his break for it. It was rather unfortunate that Hermione had had her wand out to summon the pillow. "Petrificus totalus," she said simply, and Harry felt his body go rigid as a board. He toppled face first onto a nearby area rug.

"Quick," said Ron, "let's roll him up in the rug and see if he flies."

"Oh this should be fun," Hermione exclaimed giddily.


Harry's trip to the top of the Astronomy tower was less than exciting. He couldn't move at all, and conveniently all of the professors had decided that they all had better things to do than patrol the halls, even the new DADA professor, who, being a vampire, was up only at night anyway.

"So do you think we should unfreeze him?" asked Ron when they were finally outside. Harry only knew they were indeed outside because of the chill he could feel through the rug.

"Oh I don't see the point really," said Hermione. "Either he's going to live or he isn't, the petrification should make no difference." Ron nodded, and together they hoisted Harry's stiff body over and onto the side of the turret. "Shall we?" she asked.

"On three... One... two... three." Together they pushed the rolled up carpet off of the ledge and followed it all the way down with their eyes, waiting for the moment Harry would emerge from his chrysalis with a beautiful new set of wings. But that moment never came.

Hermione let out a little "Oh!" as the carpet hit the ground with a very distant thud. She looked quite stricken, but slowly a grin spread over her face. "I knew it! I knew that I was right, that prophecy was a sham!" She turned to Ron so she could gloat properly, but was surprised to find that he was grinning too.

"Of course it was," he laughed, "Trelawney's as mad as a haberdasher."

"But then why did you-" Hermione cut herself off and looked confused. Ron had blushed again.

"Well when you said that you loved him, I um - er - got sorta jealous," he addmitted. "I guess what I'm saying is that - I - I love you Hermione, and I want you for myself." Ron was now staring at the roof of the tower and picking absently at the scar he had from Norbert's bite.

"Oh Ron!" cried Hermione as she flew into his arms. "You really know how to make a girl feel special."

The two of them remained on top of the tower all night snogging each other's brains out.

THE END (well until the next chapter)