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We Couldn't Bring the Columns Down by ladyspirit

Format: Novel
Chapters: 21
Word Count: 59,752
Status: WIP

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Strong Language, Strong Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature, Substance Use or Abuse, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme, Contains Spoilers

Genres: General, Humor, Romance
Characters: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Lily, James, Lucius, Narcissa, OC
Pairings: Other Pairing, James/Lily, Lucius/Narcissa, Sirius/OC

First Published: 05/21/2007
Last Chapter: 06/23/2011
Last Updated: 06/23/2011


“STOP THE MADNESS!” James was screaming, his face glowing with mirth. Apparently his groin was recovering. Sirius rolled onto his back,  he had his wand out and it was pointed at Lily.
Read it now or Regret it Later. You have been warned.OVER 29,500 READS! 
Oh yes and fyi this'll be the best thing you ever read.

Chapter 18: On the Chair

"Hurry!" Delilah gasped trying to hold back her giggles, "Hurry up! She'll be back soon!"

"Don't rush me woman!"

"Take them off!"

"I am! The zipper's stuck!"

"Sirius I'm waiting!"

"I know! Oh for the love of all the is magic!" He struggled at his trousers desperately.

"Here let me help-," She reached forward but he shimmied away.

"No! I got it! I got it!" His trousers dropped down to sit in a puddle at his feet, pleased with himself Sirius spread his arms wide, "Ta da!"

Delilah stared at him for a long moment, a grin evident on her freckled face, "Did you just display your penis and say... Ta da?"

Sirius raised a wan eyebrow, "Ta da woman, Ta da, now ta da yourself!"

With a delighted laugh Delilah began undoing her shirt buttons, "Da, da, da, da,da, da, da, da!" She sang kicking her feet to the side reminiscent of a can-can girl, "Da, da, da, da!" She shimmed out of her shirt then swung it around her head before letting it go. It landed a little left of Sirius who snorted, "Da, da, da, da, da!" She pushed her skirt down, "Da! Da! Da! TA DA!"

"Take your time why don't you!" Sirius launched at her and she squealed girlishly, "Da! Da! Da!" He sang teasingly tickling her as she shrieked and tried to bat him off, "Da! Da! Da!"

"Da!" She joined in then pecked his cheek, "Da, da, da!" She pecked his nose, "Da, da, da!"

"Tra la la!"

"La la laaa!"

"Neh neh neh!"

Delilah prepared herself to launch into a beat box masterpiece but Sirius grabbed her wrists, "Really. What are we doing?"

"Not a freaking clue."

"Shall we get down to business?"

"Yes please."

"On the desk?"

"Ooo! The CHAIR!"


"Good call."

The scurried over to the items of furniture in question and examined them skeptically, "How about you sit and I sort of, you know, straddle?" Delilah suggested motioning at the chair.

"Will the handles get in the way?"


"Lets try anyway."


Sirius sat down, "Mount me,"

"Jesus Christ... mount you?"

"I said mount me!"

A moment of scuffling.

"The arms?" Sirius groaned.


"Ok, sit on the desk."

Delilah complied, "Mount me!" She squealed and Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

"As my lady wishes!"

Ten minutes later.

"High five!"

They left the room. Some first years stood outside waiting for their teacher to arrive, "Jeez," Laura Morrison whispered to her friend, "They must really like transfiguration."

"It's not fair." Jessica Tyler groaned stabbing at her roast beef without much desire to eat it, "It's just not fair Ted."

Ted Tonks rolled his eyes and bit into his fifth roast potato, "It's probably best not to dwell Jess."

"How can I not dwell?" Jessica hissed with uncharacteristic venom, "She's over there with him and I'm stuck here... the sister he accidentally shagged. I'm an accident Ted! A laughing stock. Everyone knows about it now. It's like 'oh Delilah and Sirius went through this weird patch where he had confused her with her twin but that's all sorted now'. How gimpy is that?"

"No one is saying that."

"Whatever. I know they are." Jessica scowled so darkly towards the Gryffindor table that Ted was slightly unnerved, "She is such a bitch. She pretended she didn't fancy him and then at the first opportunity... I bet she only likes him because she knows I do. I bet that's it. She's such a bitch! She's always been like this you know."

"Like what?"

"Like a bitch!"

"Maybe you should cut her some slack?"

"Ted!" Jessica gaped at her friend, "Why are you even taking her side? You're meant to be my friend! You don't even know her!"

"Jess I just think that you shouldn't let this upset you too much."

"How can I not be upset? She's over there sucking on the love of my lifes ear!"

Ted stared at her for a long moment then began to laugh, "The love of your life?" He choked, "Sirius Black? The love of your life?"

Jessica's lips twitched, she fought them desperately but was unable to stop the smile that spread slowly across her face, "Ok, well maybe not the love of my life..."

"Was it even a decent shag?"

"I don't know, it was my only one!"

"You still know."

"What do you know about shagging anyway, Ted?"

Ted pulled an imaginary zip across his lips and Jessica punched his arm, "As if you've been shagging anyway. You're such a bad liar."

"You'd be surprised." Ted stuck his tongue out at her and returned to his meal. Jessica, still chuckling, missed the wink he shot at the Slytherin table.

Across the hall Narcissa Black was sitting beside Lucius Malfoy. The Slytherin benches were crowded with students yet the pair sat with enough space for another bum between them. The space was unnatural as was their silence.

Narcissa held a knife and fork in her hands but didn't use them, instead she simply stared at the table top and concentrated on breathing.  Lucius, on the other hand, was eating his dinner with steady, focused determination. Each mouthful was like a calculated decision and he swallowed as though his meat was too dry for ingesting comfortably.

After failing to rouse an appetite Narcissa set down her cutlery and folded her hands on her lap to keep from tugging at the scarf she was wearing. Sweat trickled down her spine from the heat of her many layers of clothing but she loathed the thought of rolling up her sleeves or taking off her tights incase someone saw the vicious bruises that littered her skin.

With a deep breath she stole a glance at Lucius and found him staring, as he almost always was, at the Gryffindor table. She followed his gaze and flinched as she saw her cousins hand making circles on Delilah Tyler's back. The girl, as if one cue, turned her head and placed a disgustingly sweet kiss on his cheek. Lucius' hands were so tight on his cutlery that she could see the silverware trembling and she felt a fresh wave of fear surge through her.

"How is your beef?" She asked as a sudden urge to sooth Lucius' temper took hold of her, "It looks delicious."

Lucius' icy gaze slid from Delilah Tyler's back to her face and it was as if she had been doused in freezing water. His lip twitched into a sneer and without replying he set down his knife and fork and stood up.

For a fleeting moment she thought he would simply leave but then he leant down and spoke quietly, viciously, into her ear, "My dormitory. Tonight."

"Do you realise we've become boring?"

It was nearing bedtime in the Gryffindor common room. Lily glanced up from her homework to find James smirking down at her.

"We have?" She asked.

"Yep. I haven't heard a single person gossip about us today. It's Delilah and Sirius now. No one cares what we do."

"I didn't realise people cared to begin with."

"Of course they care Lily, I'm practically a celebrity in these halls."

"In your oversized head you mean."

"No I really am. A few third years have even made a fan club."

Lily's lips twitched, "Stop embarassing yourself. You do not have a fan club."

"I do!" James sat on the chair beside her, "They even have t-shirts and a treasurer." He tried to put his arm around her but she shrugged him off and motioned at her incomplete homework, "Did you just reject me?" James gasped, "You did! You rejected my tender caress!"

Lily laughed, "I'm trying to get this work done! I'm behind! You're keeping me behind with all your tender caressing!"

"But you said you loved me!"

"Does that mean I have to spend all my evenings in detention playing catch up? Because if it does I take it back."

James face was a picture of shock, "You can't take that back!"

"I can. In fact I do. No love for you. Now go away."

"No! Say you love me!"

"I respect you too much to lie to you."

"Lily Evans! This is shocking behaviour. I'm appalled."

"Appalled enough to leave me in peace?"

James rose dramatically to his feet, "Fine. I'm going. But when I have made Mary my bride you will be sorry."

"Uh huh, off you go."

"You will!"

"Okay, well good luck with that Potter." Lily murmered dipping her quill in her ink pot and pointedly not looking at him.

"I don't need luck."

"Go away!"

"Fine!" James was almost out of hearing distance when Lily looked up.

"James?" She called and he spun around automatically, "I do love you a bit."

"I knew it!" He was back at the table within nanoseconds, "Shall we snog?"

"Oh sweet lord. I'm going to my dormitory to get some peace!" She got up and gathered her bag and papers, "You are going to be the reason I fail my NEWT's James!" She declared but before she left she lent down to kiss him softly, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight!" James sunk into his chair half content and half disapointed watching his girlfriends bum as she climbed the girls staircase and disapeared to bed. It was only when she was gone he noticed her cloak thrown over her chair. He got up, deciding he'd bring it to his dormitory and return it to her in the morning. He picked it up and was about to leave when he noticed a piece of black parchment laying half unfurled on the seat of the chair.

A/N hope you enjoyed it! I know I left it a while but I can't help it! I'm just a bad bad updater =( I'm too obsessed with other things like tequila and boys. oh boys. aren't they lovely? i hate them but i love them. JAI HO! Anyway hope you're all having a good easter! I know I am! Review!!! xxx