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My Reflection by Astrid Elisabeth

Format: Novel
Chapters: 55
Word Count: 115,470

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Drama, Romance, Angst
Characters: Dumbledore, Lupin, Sirius, Lily, James, Voldemort
Pairings: James/Lily

First Published: 10/03/2004
Last Chapter: 07/02/2005
Last Updated: 01/01/2012

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Lily Evans felt her leotard hug her curves. Her hands were placed in third position and her feet in fourth. She was standing there, prepared to turn and perform a hopefully triple pirouette in front of her audience. The smile of James Potter was on her mind. After all, it was because of him she was standing on this stage. She hated it, but that was the truth. This is a different James/Lily story with quite a few twists. Hope you like it! Banner by Iced_Cherriez.

Chapter 45: Making a Decision

Chapter Forty-five, Making a Decision

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The one important thing I have learnt over the years
is the difference between taking one's work seriously
and taking oneself seriously.
The first is imperative and the second disastrous.
-Margot Fonteyn

I was sitting by a table in the common room, a quill steady in my hand. I saw a drop of ink balancing on the tip, waiting to fall onto the yellow paper beneath it. I didn’t know where to start, there were so many things waiting to flow down into the diary. I put the quill down again, scanning over what I’d written last time.

5th March
Today James and I brought our homework outside instead of doing it in the library. He brought me to a nice spot near the lake, it was almost like a homework-picnic. We laughed and had the best time. It’s extraordinary how James always manages to find that exact right spot to kiss over and over again, or the most sensitive parts of my skin to touch. His kisses never change; they are all as trembling and heart-melting as our first kiss. I’ve never been so in love with anybody… I know I’ve been writing that in every paragraph since Christmas, but who cares? It’s the truth. I don’t know what I’d do without him… And the best thing is that I trust him fully. He would never hurt me, he wouldn’t let me go if I ever fell. I even miss him now, even if I saw him only an hour ago. It’s a strange thing, love.

I wanted to rip the page out, but knew I wouldn’t be able to. I felt a lump in my throat, I felt my heart beat as I read what I had written. I had really loved him… The strange thing was that it seemed ages ago I had scribbled down that paragraph in the diary James gave me for Christmas. It had only been a month, and it felt like months. It hadn’t been that long since our break-off, and yet I felt like I’d had all the time in the world to get over him.

What was I going to write? On Friday almost four weeks ago I broke up with James because he tried to shag me, when I didn’t want to. It hurt. He pretended it never happened, just like the kiss. He’s really not who I thought he were.

That had got to be it. Simple, straight facts. No deep emotion-stuff, thinking or analysis of the happening. I wouldn’t be able to, anyway. I still felt as empty and careless as I’d been before.

I dipped the quill again, scribbling what I’d just thought out. As the full stop was putting an end to it, I heart someone’s voice.

“I’m sorry you had to write that,” Sirius said, sitting down next to me, looking at my diary.

“You read over my shoulder?” I sighed. “That’s not very decent.”

He dragged a hand though his hair, looking at me.

“You’re right, it wasn’t. But sometimes curiosity gets the best of you.”

I closed the diary, looking briefly at the picture on the front. It was just as I’d seen it the last three months… myself before the show. The green fabric covering the book made my eyes look astonishingly green and bright. I loved that picture.

“Why aren’t you sad, Lily?” Sirius asked.

I looked over at him, supporting my head with my hand.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I’m just not. Life goes on, I guess…”

“I don’t think it was James who did it,” Sirius said. “I really don’t.”

I looked around in the room for a moment, trying to take in what he said.

“Why do you think that?” I said with narrowed eyes.

“He’s my best friend. He’s mourning over you as if you were dead… He’s out of himself. He doesn’t know what to do.”

I raised my eyebrows. Was that supposed to change my mind? Just like that? Ah, I understood what it was about. Sirius was going to try get us back together, mix us up, talk me into taking the accusation back.

“It’s called regression?” I said stubbornly, looking at Sirius in assignment.

“He wouldn’t do that, Lily. James is a good man. He’s never loved anyone more than he loves you. Maybe he would even put you over his best friends. That’s how much he loves you,” he said seriously, yet softly.

Normally, I would have felt tears sting in my eyes. But it just came to me like anything else would have. I suddenly didn’t want James to love me.

“Sorry, Sirius. The effort is worthless, it won’t change my mind,” I said clearly.

“Lily… Don’t you honestly think it was someone else? I thought you knew James better than this. I thought you knew he wouldn’t to that.”

I came closer to him, looking him in the eyes.

“It’s called being in love, Sirius. I was in love, I was blinded. I was naive.”

“You weren’t,” Sirius said, but he was starting to sound as if he was about to give up.

“You were in love, yes, and you didn’t see the truth, yes, but it was a different truth than the one you think you’ve discovered.”

What Sirius said, actually made sense. But it wouldn’t change my mind.

“Ok, so what’s that truth? If James supposedly didn’t do it, who did?” I challenged.

“Bryn Johnson.”

I laughed, I couldn’t help it. Sirius looked at me in disbelieve, in surprise.

“Are you blaming him for everything, now? Keep going wild with these assumptions and conclusions,” I giggled ironically.

“He could’ve used the Polyjuice Potion,” Sirius continued in the calm, rational voice.

I stopped. He could’ve, actually. Except it took a month to brew it… and I wasn’t even sure if all the ingredients were available. Would he do that? Sure, he wanted me back.. he had even sent me secret love-letters. But would he be that desperate? It seemed unrealistic.

“He didn’t do it,” I said matter-of-factly. “Would I consider dating someone who I believe impersonated my prior boyfriend to get me? Hurting me as hell in the process? No.”

Sirius looked like he had been slapped in the face. He took my hand, almost panting.

“What? You can’t be serious!” he exclaimed.

“Does it look like I’m joking?” I said with a little smile.

“Tell me you’re kidding. Tell me it’s all a prank to take revenge on James.. tell me that you’re not for real considering to date Bryn Johnson again?”

“Calm down,” I said softly. “What’s the problem? I said I might date him. He’s a good chap.. he’s handsome, he’s nice, he’s caring…”

“Stop the nonsense!” Sirius broke me off. “He’s neither of them.”

I sat back, perfectly calm.

“Don’t judge the blokes I date. Should I judge all the girls you’ve been going out with? That would make the speech long.”

I knew I had him in a corner now.

“It’s nothing like that. Listen, Lily…” Sirius said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You’re not being reasonable. It’s just a need of love, a wish of not being alone after losing James…”

“I didn’t lose him! He lost me!” I cut him off.

Sirius rose.

“You’re not yourself, Lily… Go to one of your dancing-studios, relax and have a real think-over,” he said seriously, almost bitterly. “You’ve never been a girl to deny your feelings like that… You should be ashamed.”

Sirius walked away, straight to his dorm. Two girls tried to stop him to chat, and Peter tried to summon him, to engage him in conversation, but he didn’t listen. He just went.

His words had hit me like a knife in my chest. Sirius had always supported me, been there, listened. But now he took distance from me. He told me to be ashamed of myself… when I had felt proud. I felt proud for the decision I’d made. Getting up and over James, and starting over fresh.

I eyed Sirius up in the air, hovering on his broomstick. He was still mad at me, but I hoped he wouldn’t tell anyone about our conversation. Remus was next to me, cheering Gryffindor on as well, as the quaffle and the bludgers were zooming around the players.

I had just arrived to the game, and I wasn’t that interested, for a change. My eyes just followed one particular player. As he flew up there, empathising with the game, I knew what I had to do. I had to talk to him. Had to tell him what I really felt. I suddenly realised I could have saved many thoughts if I’d just realised this sooner. I wanted to date that Quidditch-player again… to forget what happened in the past. I was tired of all this mess with James…

I could put an end to it all.

I didn’t know how to do it, after all that had happened, and all he knew. I had to act soon, though. What if he cooled down? What if his feelings for me disappeared? What if I was too late…

Remus suddenly walked behind me as I left the whole game. I didn’t need to be there anymore. My decision was made. It had changed many times, yes, but I had come to one point where I had settled.

“Lily? Where are you going?” he said in a rush.

“Back to the tower,” I said casually.

“Aren’t you going to watch the game?” he continued.

“No… I don’t feel like it. I want to go back.”

Remus shrugged his shoulders, continuing to walk back with me.

“Are you joining me?” I said with a smile twinkling on my lips.

“Yes… we haven’t spent that much time together lately. Time to catch up,” he grinned, putting a hand around my shoulders.

As we sat down in the common room with a cup of tea, Remus grew serious.

“Sirius told me you’re considering dating Bryn Johnson,” he said seriously. He struggled to keep his mood up, but it was very obvious he had found our little quarrel disturbing.

I sniggered slightly, taking a sip of my cup.

“Forget what Sirius said, forget it all. I’ve come to a new conclusion,” I smiled. “ You see.. when I saw him at the match today, I realised what I have to do. What I want. I should have listened to myself much more… I was stupid..”

Somehow, Remus found this new information pleasing. He edged closer to me, putting his cup away.


“I’m going to date him again,” I said mysteriously, sending him a look.

“What?” Remus said at once, before smiling at me. “I knew you’d come around, Lily… That you’d figure it out.”

I gave him a hug, slightly taken aback by his reaction.

“You’re Ok with that? You don’t think it’s a bad idea?” I exclaimed excitedly.

“No! Not at all.. James will be pleased,” he continued to smile.

“You think he will?” I said nervously. “I thought he’d start yelling at me after all that’s happened.”

Remus shook his head.

“Are you crazy? He won’t hesitate. He’s wanted you back since the moment you broke up with him,” he beamed.

A big curve appeared in my forehead.

“What did you say?” I said slowly.

“He’ll be ecstatic when you tell him you want to have him back, that’s what I’m saying,” Remus said in the same happy voice.

“I’m not going to have him back,” I said seriously. “I was talking about Bryn. I saw him at the match today… he was seeker on the Hufflepuff team.”

Remus’s face fell. He looked at me with deep eyes, not believing what he had heard.

“Why? I thought you loved James.”

I wriggled in my seat, not meeting his eyes.

“No.. I think I’m in love with Bryn. I want to try dating him, not James.”

Remus stood up. He suddenly seemed a lot taller than he used to.

“I know this is going to sound harsh, that it will sound like I’m commanding you. But please, Lily.. I don’t want you to go out with Johnson. You usually listen to me, Lily… will you listen this time, too?”

I felt my eyes sting, for the first time since I had turned James down. This was so strong, so unexpected… Remus knew my weak points. And he knew how to use them.

“No, Remus…” I whispered. “I think this will be the first time I’m not going to listen to you.”