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Chapter 19 : Truths
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James was meant to return today but I wasn’t too sure when so I was trying to research if he won or not before he came so it looked like I had some interest in it but everyone I had asked were busy with their own things so they either didn’t watch the match or I couldn’t meet with them; or some just didn’t keep up with Quidditch.
Ah well, I was betting that they lost.
Don’t look at me like that! The chasers were okay and the beaters were really good but the seeker and the keeper were hopeless. I mean, I know that I was awful at Quidditch but I didn’t try out for a professional team.
It was about ten at night and I really wanted to sleep but I wanted to see James. These past two weeks had been quite boring because everyone else was at work and/or doing other things. I’d really missed him.
I put a movie on and curled up on the couch with Lionel. He ran away to hide under the couch. I sighed and pressed the remote to start the movie. I lasted about ten minutes before my eyelids started to droop and I fell asleep.
“Reese?” a voice whispered. I scrunched my eyes and mumbled something incoherent.
“Reese, come on. Wake up,” the voice was now accompanied with a slight shake of my shoulder. “Reese, you need to get up.” I moaned at the disturbance.
I opened my eyes finally and let the fuzzy image before me clear up. “James?” I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. I sat up as I yawned and blinked a few times, trying to get my head in order.
“Yeah?” I looked at him, and he was smiling at me. I stared at him for a moment letting my thoughts straighten out before throwing my arms around him, snuggling into his collar bone, finally realising that he was actually home.
“I missed you so much,” I muttered, feeling like a sap. He laughed and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my cheek. He was still crouching in front of the couch but he didn’t seem to complain.
“I missed you too. How’s the peanut doing?” he asked, his hands flitting across my ever growing belly. It kicked, as if he or she also recognised that James was home. He smiled as he felt the movement.
I laughed and said, “Kicking me like a kung-fu ninja. How were the games?” He faltered and I immediately became worried. “What’s wrong?” I asked, my hands absentmindedly running through his hair. It was due for a cut soon.
“Well, we were playing the Tornadoes, Roxy’s team right?” I nodded and he continued, “Well, Roxy got some game time and since she knows my plays like the back of her hand she kept intercepting and I kept intercepting hers, and after Mullens caught the Snitch the coach came up to me and Roxy to just do a play together because he wanted to see how we worked together.” I nodded again, trying to take it all in. “And so we did and he wanted to give me a spot.”
My mouth dropped. “James! That’s amazing! Did you take it?!” I said, not registering that his face looked conflicted.
He shook his head. “They offered me less money and I said I’d talk to you and Nadine about it.” Nadine being his ‘agent’. She wasn’t the greatest agent to put it nicely.
Honestly, she was mostly full of horse shit.
She just couldn’t do her job most of the time. She always got things mucked up and James hardly used her anyway, except for press conferences and he would generally get her to explain the legal contracts to him.
I hesitated. “James, do you want to take it?”
He bit his lip and sat down next to me. I rubbed his back comfortingly, looking at him seriously. “I don’t know. I know I’ll get more opportunities being with the Tornadoes, not to mention we’ll actually win, and eventually I’ll get more money. But…” he drifted off, rubbing the slight stubble he had on his chin. I quite liked the stubble but I wasn’t going to bring it up at the moment.
Instead, I said gently, “If you want to take it, take it. I’m just going to say that I didn’t get the job and although it’ll make things a bit more difficult, I think we can get through this.”
He looked at me and yawned. “I really want to take this, Reese,” he said quietly, looking at his folded hands in his lap.
I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. “I know you do. So just take it.” His hand curled around my hip and brought me closer to him.
“Are you sure?” he whispered into my hair. I nodded and he relaxed slightly.
“I think we’ll be okay,” I mumbled before taking his hand and leading him back to the bedroom so we could get some sleep.
I woke up and looked over to James, where he had his face buried in the pillow. I decided not to wake him and padded off to the kitchen to eat something. Lionel was purring, sitting in James’ shoes.
“Do you like James better than me?” I asked, offended. He just purred even louder and went to sleep.
I couldn’t believe this! I’d been Lionel’s owner for seven years and he preferred James over me! James! Who didn’t even like him!
He was mine.
I grumbled at Lionel and started making some pancakes. I swear to God, that bloody cat was smirking. I sighed and poured the batter into the frying pan. I had nearly made all of them when I heard a loud thump accompanied with a high pitched yowl.
I turned around and James was getting off the floor looking sheepish. “I may or may not have tripped and fallen on Lionel’s tail.”
I rolled my eyes. And Lionel preferred him. This was ridiculous. “I think he prefers you by the way. When you were gone he was really grumpy. So you’ll probably be forgiven,” I said, not very happy in having to admit that. He laughed and walked over towards me, giving me a kiss.
I happily returned the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck, but I quickly turned the stove off before I got too distracted. I didn’t fancy setting the apartment on fire. I ran my hands down his shirtless shoulders and he grinned against my lips.
“I’ve missed this,” I said as he pressed kisses down my neck. I could feel him smirking as his hands slid lower and lower down my back.
“Mmm… me too,” he murmured. He pulled away from my neck and returned to my lips, his hands going to the side of my hips. I tightened my grip on him and crushed myself to him as close as I could. Which honestly wasn’t that close because of my belly, but it was still a lot closer than we had been in a couple weeks.
His hands had started to go down much lower than my hips and I was sure my varnish was purple by now.
James was twirling my hair around his finger as he explained the two games to me. We were lying on the bed (with clothes on before you ask) and filling each other in of the past two weeks. James was currently going on about some Quidditch plays and although I nodded, I didn’t understand any of it. There was something about a shimmy and it made me snort, thinking of all the Quidditch players on their broomsticks with sequined suits dancing to ‘Blame it on the Boogie’.
It then hit me that I needed to tell James about Rose’s new position of godmother of our child. I was sure he wouldn’t mind too much. He’d understand. Wouldn’t he? Rose was his cousin, so I’d really doubt he’d cause too much trouble about it. After he’d finished and we’d been quiet for a few minutes, I said, “Erm, James?”
“Yeah?” he asked, still twirling my hair. He’d always played with it for some odd reason.
I hesitated. “Well, I accidentally appointed Rose as the godmother to the baby because—”
His finger stopped twirling and his eyes suddenly became very cold as he snapped, “What?!”
“I – uh, um,” I stuttered and he stood up abruptly, my hair falling back down on the pillow. I slowly sat up and stared up at him. What was wrong with him?
“Did you just say you made Rose the godmother of our kid, without consulting me first?” he asked dangerously, his eyes icy.
I bit my lip nervously and said, “Yes but—”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” he asked loudly. I stared at him. “I’ve done so much fucking stuff for you and you don’t even consult me about it?!”
“No, Reese, listen to me! I’ve given you a place to live, security and all the support I can give you! And what do I get in return? A moody bitch who thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants?!” he said nastily. His mouth had twisted into a terrible scowl. This wasn’t the James I knew and loved.
I stood up as abruptly as I could. Which wasn’t very abrupt at all, as it was me supporting my back and slowly standing up, but it was the principle. But how dare he talk to me like that. I yelled, “LET ME TALK FOR FUCKS SAKE! If you listen to me, you might understand why I did what I did!” I snarled. He blinked and I snapped, “Look, Rose has had problems with her period—”
“Reese, I don’t want to listen to that crap!” he said harshly. He looked furious. I didn’t care at all.
“Let. Me. Talk.” I said fiercely. I was sure my eyes were spitting fire at the moment. I felt like I was crackling with anger. If I’d had my wand in my hand, the floor would have burns in them. “She’s had a lot of problems, since she was fifteen. And she found out she couldn’t have kids and I said I’d share the baby with her because I felt bad! I felt horrible, James! Look at me, we had a one-night stand and got a kid, she could have been trying for years and would never be as lucky as us!” It was odd saying ‘lucky’, but I realised how true that was. I was lucky to have a kid. But I was still telling James off and I didn’t want to get distracted.
I continued, “She was crying so much and she had to leave work because of it! She’s got a whole month off now!”
He blinked and I said, “Look, if that wasn’t the case, I wouldn’t have even thought about godparents. I probably would have just let you pick because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal!” I stopped talking so sharply and made my voice quieter, “I never see my godparents, so I’ve always thought they were a bit useless. I wouldn’t have ever done this if I’d known you’d get so upset about it,” I said honestly.
He sat back down on the bed and I sat myself down next to him, holding my stomach as the baby had another one of its psycho dancing moments. “James?” I asked tentatively.
He grunted. I touched his arm gently and waited for him to speak. “I just don’t like when you do things without telling me,” he grumbled.
“I’m sorry, I would have never done that if I’d known how important it is to you,” I murmured.
“I’m sorry for what I said,” he said after a long pause. His shoulders relaxed slightly and he’d stopped clenching his teeth. He was still scowling but he didn’t look so angry anymore. He did look slightly ashamed of himself though. I felt like I couldn’t get too mad though, because Lord knows that I’d had a few irrationally angry moments. It was only fair to let James have some as well. But he had to have less; I was the one who was pregnant here. Not him.
I rested my head on his shoulder. I could tell he’d calmed down considerably and I was safe doing this. “Don’t worry about it, I am a moody bitch.”
His cheeks darkened. “You aren’t. I mean, you’re a bit moody, but it pisses me off when you do things without even asking me. It’s my kid too, Reese. It feels like you forget about that sometimes,” he confessed.
I snuggled into his neck and mumbled, “I’m sorry. I think I do. It’s just that this has been so crazy, for the both of us, and I don’t know how to handle it.” He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close, pressing a kiss to the side of my head.
“Don’t worry. It’s not like I know what to do either. But we have heaps of support as well, it isn’t like we’re isolated, which you always think you are.”
I faltered as I felt a twinge at my stomach. I winced and pressed a hand to my stomach. James noticed and looked at me in alarm. “Are you okay?” he said worriedly. The scowl had disappeared but his eyes were still tight.
I nodded but didn’t say anything. James looked concerned and put a hand on my shoulder, asking me if I was sure. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” I said once the pain had gone away.
“Probably just me getting stretch marks or something.” He looked at me warily and I reassured him, “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing. Just regular pains.”
I lied back down and he shifted so we could both get comfortable, lying down on the bed. “James, I have to tell you something else as well.”
“Yeah?” he said, looking up at the roof and I’d noticed his hands had gone back to twirling my hair again. He clearly wasn’t too mad then, which was always a good sign.
I took a deep breath and said, “Okay, do you remember when you were in sixth year and I was in fifth year I went missing for like two months?”
He narrowed his eyes, trying to remember what I’d said. “Didn’t you say your grandmother was ill?”
I nodded against his side. “Well, truth be told, my grandmother died when I was seven, just after I first did magic.” He tensed, but didn’t say anything so I continued, “Well, I was in a really bad place. I’ve had depression since I was thirteen—” There was a sharp intake of breath at this. “—and, um, when I was fifteen I tried to kill myself…”
He stared at me. “What?” I shifted so I could look at him properly without breaking my neck. I could feel my eyes welling up but I refused to let myself cry. I hated talking about this moment of my life, but I had to talk about it. My hands started to shake and I felt the blood pound in my ears. My heart jumped to my throat but I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.
I said, “Look, I was in a super bad place. Rose found me before anything got way out of hand and she dragged me to the Hospital Wing and I was transferred to St Mungos for two months and they gave me potions and therapy and all this other crap. That’s also part of the reason I let Rose be the godmother, because she saved my life. Literally. Ginny and Hermione visited me nearly every day and then Harry and Ron did as well, and eventually all your aunts and uncles knew about it but they didn’t breathe a word to anyone else because I begged them not to.”
He didn’t say anything and I said, “Look James, I understand this is a lot to take in but—”
“Did your parents visit you?” he interrupted me abruptly.
I shook my head. “No. Muggles can’t go in Mungos. Unless they’re the ones with the magical problem or something, but Blake knew. I haven’t told them, unless you count when I was yelling at them when I told them I was pregnant, but other than that, no. I didn’t want them to visit me.”
He was silent and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “But, I don’t get why you would do something like that?” he asked confusedly.
“Because I felt alone. I felt like no one cared about me and that it would be better if I died.” He frowned and pulled me closer towards him.
“That’s bullshit, Reese. If something happened to you, our whole family would have been devastated. You’re basically one of us,” he said softly, brushing my hair behind my ear.
I smiled and said, “I know that now, but before, I was messed up James. People with depression don’t see the world clearly. They might have all the support in the world, their parents could love them, their siblings could be perfect but they still think they’re alone. You feel like you’re standing by yourself while the rest of the world is on the other side, separated by a wall. But what you don’t see is all the people standing behind you, ready to catch you if you fall.”
He blinked and I felt the baby kick. “And that’s why I needed to tell you this, James. I could be more susceptible to postnatal depression and I need you to be able to get me to the hospital if it does happen, or I do something. I won’t be thinking clearly and I don’t want to hurt the baby but I don’t know what I’d do if I did get it. I just need you to say that you’ll protect our baby and you won’t let me do anything.”
He gave me a kiss and said, “I’m never going to let anything happen to you, or to the baby. Okay?”
I nodded and I could feel the tears threatening to fall. “James, I’m so sorry for all this extra baggage. Most people have one bag; I have a whole bloody wardrobe.”
He laughed and I wiped my eyes with my sleeves. “I’m so grateful for you, I really am. You’re one of the greatest people I know,” I said thickly.
“Of course I am,” he said smugly.
“Way to ruin the moment,” I sniffled and laughed.
He grinned and said, “I don’t care how much baggage you have, I don’t care that we’re most likely going to struggle for years and I don’t care how many dirty looks and comments we’ll get when all this goes public, all I care about is that you’re happy and safe.”
I stared at him, dumbfounded for a moment and said, “I love you, I really do.”
“I really do, too,” he said, winking at me.
Anyway, please review (I want it to get to 100 reviews - I'll love you forever) and thanks for reading! :D
Also, if you're having any issues like Reese, please make sure you talk to someone! Today (12/9/13, day I edited this) is the R U OK? day and I just want to make sure that you're all okay because I love you all immensely and you shouldn't ever feel alone. ♥
disclaimer: Blame it on the Boogie is Jackson Five's and not mine. :)
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