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Chapter 63 : Chapter 63
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What am I going to do without her...?
I took my punishment without complaining - gladly, even. Goodness knows I deserved a lot more than I got. Thankfully my detentions were spent helping Professor McGonagall, so I worked as hard as I possibly could for her, in an attempt to pay her back for what she had done for me. I think she noticed, shrewd as she is, but thankfully she didn’t say anything about it to me. Neither would she accept my thanks, after the first time.
I had managed to convince Sirius and James not to go seeking revenge on Severus and having seen how I had fared from the situation, they decided that giving him the cold shoulder was punishment enough for now. For that, I was equally thankful - it would look suspicious if they had gone after him and they would have been punished far more severely.
James and Lily had spread their wonderful news around the school, telling those closest to us (including Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore) before the word spread. I was silently grateful to Severus for not ruining everything for them and I’m sure that Lily was too, although I never dared broach the subject with her lest she broke down into tears. I could tell often that they were not far from showing, but she hid them from all of us for days. I left it until I could no longer bear the guilt that I was carrying, then cornered her one day in the common room.
“Lils...we need to talk.”
She looked up at me from the book she was reading. “What is it, Remus?” she asked a little distantly.
I sighed. “I’m really sorry that I lost control the way I did. I swear, it will never happen again.”
She smiled sadly and nodded. “I know. And as much as I hate what happened, Remus, I don’t blame you. And it’s probably good that you let your anger out on more trivial things. It will do you good.”
I sat quietly for a moment, pretending to contemplate what she had said, whilst knowing that I had no intention of doing as she had suggested.
She smiled wryly at me. “Remus Lupin, you’re ignoring me!”
I laughed, knowing that she had caught me out. Then I felt my smile fall.
“Lily, seriously though. You can talk to me about what you’re going through with Severus. I won’t lose it again.”
“Do you know, you’re the only other one who calls him by that name now,” she said softly. “James is so mad at him that even calling him ‘Snape’ doesn’t seem good enough. Sirius and Peter act as though he never existed.”
I nodded gravely.
“But he did exist, Remus, he still does. Why can no one accept that? He hurt me so badly, but it’s just something that I have to deal with. You were all becoming such good friends. I really thought that it could work out, that we could make everything ok somehow.”
“Hey,” I said gently, pulling her into a hug as tears filled her eyes. “It did work, for a while, Lily. And it was all thanks to you. You have to remember that. If it hadn’t been for you, none of us would have ever given Severus a chance. You should pride yourself on that.”
We were silent for a while. Then Lily spoke.
“I just can’t bear it, Remus. He was doing everything in his power to change the world...and it was all for us. What if something terrible happens to him and that is the last conversation we ever have? He’s joining the Death Eaters! Something could happen to him at any time!”
I gently shushed her and led her up to the boys’ dormitory so that we could talk freely.
"What happened isn’t your fault, Lil. He made the choice to break our friendship. It’s really, really sad that things have gone this way, but this is the choice that he made. It’s down to him to make it right with you.”
She nodded quietly. “I know. But I just can’t help but feel as though it’s my fault as well. I’ve known that he’s had feelings for me for...well, for as long as we’ve known each other, really. But...I thought that he would just get over it. I didn’t ever think that it could come to this.”
“I know,” I soothed her. “But maybe things will turn out ok. You never know how the world is going to work until things happen. I just...I just don’t want you to feel that you can’t talk to me. I’ve seen how sad this is making you and I want you to know that I’m here for you this time. I won’t lose my temper again. And I’m truly, truly sorry for what I did before.”
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