As you can see it didn't all end in death and destruction. I am still alive as you figured that out by now. It's nice here. It's quiet and soothing. My cuts from the curse don't hurt anymore. Nurses always take care of me. I never feel that it's too quiet or too lonely in here. If I don't have visitors Nurses always come in and talk to me. Their quiet nice, I'll tell you, they seem to make a fuss about me, which is nice. I am in St. Mungo's, I'm not going to be here long, just long enough to heal me and make sure I don't have any other issues like post- traumatic stress disorder or depression. I say it's going to take a couple of weeks till I get out, but I don't mind. Really, I don't.
Your probably wondering how it all turned out but I am just talking here about myself like a Malfoy would, obviously. But, if you must know, yes Potter won. I never doubted him. Okay, I did, but that's not the point here. We actually won and I even got to survive. Who would have thought I would make it out alive? I didn't, but looks like Potter didn't let me bleed to death. It's nice of him, I guess.
You are probably dying to know what happened with Hermione and me, right? See, the truth is; nothing happened and isn't happening. She has visited me couple of times, not much really she seems different and distant. I don't know why. I probably don't want to know. The truth is its killing me. It really is. It's not like I imagined she would jump me and we would live happily ever after. That would make me sound vain. Not that I'm not. I am Malfoy after all, but the war has changed me. It really has.
Well the first time she visited me, she hugged me and was worried about me, and we talked for a bit. It was really nice. I felt that she understood why I did what I did. She was happy I was okay and I was happy that she was here and we can spend time together. Yes, yes even in a hospital it was nice; it wasn't in the middle of the war were we had to look over our shoulders just in case someone found us. This was different, believe me, it was. It felt like all the time in the world stopped and it was just me and her. She soon left though, I don't know where and why, but she said she is going to visit soon. She did come visit me. Not as much as I thought she would, but it's better than nothing right? Anyway, she was different after the first time. We didn't talk much, just maybe few words in and there. It wasn't as she just got cold towards me; oh no it happened over the visits. Her visits became less and the time she spent here decreased too. It was like she just comes to visit me out of politeness. It's a weird feeling. It's killing me to know why she is this way, but I don't want to push it. I don't want to lose her completely, this is better than not having her at all. It's been a week since she came to visit me. I don't know where she is and why isn't she coming to visit me. I don't want to look like I'm prying or anything. That's why I don't ask around. I could if I wanted to, and trust me I want to, but as you all say Malfoy pride is way too big for that.
So here I am now. Sitting in my bed and looking outside my bed side window. Thinking, yes thinking about her and trust me I do this every day.
Someone walks in; I don't even need to turn around to know it's her. Yes, I know it sound all pathetic that I know her smell and presence without even looking.
I am looking at her now. God, she looks beautiful.
She doesn't say anything, but I can see there is something on her mind. Do you know how I know that? I noticed when there is something on her mind and something she want to say she has the cutest worried face in the world. She bites her lip and look around the room. She never finds the particular point that she stops to look at and calms her down, though.
Now she is sitting down opposite of me and is looking me straight in the eyes. Did I mention her eyes are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen? She looks sad though. It's killing me to know, but I don't say anything.
'Hey, how are you doing?' she says in a surprisingly calm tone.
'I am better now, nurses think I'll be able to go home soon' I say back to her and she just nods her head. We sit there for a while in silence, not knowing what to say. It's different now, as I said before. Since when did it become so hard to talk to her, since when don't I know what to say anymore?
'Look, I am sorry I haven't been visiting as much' she breaks the silence and looks at me and she genuinely looks sorry.
'It's alright. 'I say to her. Because it is, it really is. She is here now.
'I just have been really busy.. with stuff.' I want to ask her what kind of stuff but I don't. I don't because I am afraid of the answer. Instead I just say; 'Yeah, I understand. I never imagined Potter would come visit me more than you do. I didn't even expect to see him ever again.' I laugh while saying this and to my surprise she laughs too. I missed her laugh. It has been a long time since I saw her like this. Again silence falls among us, but this isn't as uncomfortable as the first one. And even this time again, she is the one who breaks it.
'Look, I am just going to come out and say it before I chicken out again' she says looking at me and again the same sad expression on her face is back there is no sign that she ever even laughed. 'It's just I don't know how to say this to you, we've been through so much and I don't want to ruin our friendship or whatever we have here by this.' I look at her rambling on and on and don't say a thing. I am just waiting for her to continue. 'So here it goes, Iamgettingmarried.' It was hard to understand but I did and trust me my heart dropped the moment I heard it.
'Who is he?'
That must have been the stupidest question I could ask. I already know the answer. I hope I am wrong, though. Even if I wanted to say something else it's better that I don't. I may say something I will regret later.
'Ron' she isn't looking at me anymore, she is looking at her lap now.
I am not surprised by her answer. I already knew.
Every inch in my body says to tell her; don't, I love you. But all that comes out is;
'I am happy for you, I wish nothing else but happiness to you and Ronald.'
Now she is looking at me again, probably surprised I said Weasels first name. What was I supposed to say? Clearly she doesn't feel the same way about me. I can't show her that I am affected by her decisions. Her next sentence surprises me. She stands straight up and looks me in the eyes.
'That's all you're going to say to me?' As I said it surprised me. What did she expect me to beg?
'I don't understand you. You come here and say you're getting married to the stupid Weasel and saying you don't want to ruin our friendship. There isn't really anything else I can say here, Granger.'
It may have not been the right thing to say, but damn it feels good to say what I think for once. I will regret this. I know I will.
She just looks at me shocked for a while. Then she just looks away for a moment but when she looks back all I see is anger towards me.
'You know what I think? You are coward, Malfoy.' Ouch that stung, but I don't let her see any emotions on my face.
'I am the coward? You're the coward here, choosing to be with the safest option. You just come in here drop a bomb on me and expect something from me?' I may have raised my voice at her but it doesn't matter there is no going back.
'You are afraid to admit how you feel.' She says this so quietly that I do really have to wonder did she say it at all. But I know she did, its written all over her face.
There is really nothing to say here anymore. It hurts me it really does, but I have to let her go.
'There is nothing to admit. You're getting married now and I won't stand in the way of your happily ever after just don't drag me in to your freaking parade.' She is looking at me now. All I can really do is just look back.
None of us are saying anything for a while just staring at each other. Again, she is the one that breaks our silence.
'I guess we are done here then.' She says looking down at the floor. I can't tell if she is sad, angry or happy about it.
'I guess so' she starts to walk away and I just stare at her back, but before she walks out the door she turns around. She opens her mouth to say something, but she doesn't. Instead she closes it and turns to walk away.
Well, I guess we all know what this means. Our, whatever this was, is over. I go to sit down on my bed and I know I won't see her again; at least not for a long time. I may have survived but I lost her. Trust me I wish I died in the war. Nothing could have hurt me as much as she did now. It was stupid of me to hope she would ever choose me, anyway. I didn't get my hopes up. I swear I didn't. But it still hurts knowing that she chose someone else.
I know she did feel something towards me, but it was in the middle of the war. Maybe she has loved that weasel all along and I was just a spur of a moment decision. People tend to do crazy things when they're in the middle of the war. Now that it's all over she sees the light, she sees more sense. Maybe after all it was the right decision to let her go. It kills me to say this, it really does. But I wish her nothing but happiness in life. I mean it, I really do.
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