Fuck fuck fuck fuck! How could she? How could she do this to me? Coming into the library all sweet and nervous like that and saying that she had to talk to me and then - then - then ruining everything. I can’t believe I was so stupid to keep all this stupid hope alive - she was so happy with him but I always knew - I always knew - well, thought that I knew that one day he’d cock it all up and lose her for good and I was wrong - I was so stupidly wrong - and now he gets to keep her forever and she was mine first she was mine first! And now she’s ruined everything! I can’t go back to the common room I can’t go back to bed I can’t continue living like this in such stupid denial. How could I have been so wrong about her? How could I have put so much trust into him to ruin things? Why was I so stupid? I should have known from the moment she told me that they were together that I’d lost her forever! But no - stupid Severus puts his faith in the one person who can tear the world apart and - surprise surprise! - things go his way and the world is torn apart! What have I got left? What the hell am I going to do now? And fucking Lupin - I thought he’d be the one to hold them back from me, he’s always tried before, not well but he tried and now and now and now he suddenly decides to grow some balls and fight for her? Why was he the one fighting for her? Surely that’s bloody Potter’s place if anyone’s - and at least then it would have been a fairer fight - I was expecting that from him and I would have been on my guard and God knows I’ve got enough hurt and anger and betrayal in me to kill him if it came to it - but Lupin? And now I’ve lost them all - and things were going so well and I was stupid enough to think that being friends with her friends would give me an edge over Potter but - oh no! - he just went with it and did what he was told and - oh God! - I was even starting to like him! I thought we were all friends but obviously their stupid ‘Marauder brothers’ blood is thicker than my own, worthless, pathetic offering. I need to find somewhere to hide, if anyone catches me out of bounds or even in the state I’m in I’ll be in for it, crying over some pathetic mudbl - oh no, I can’t even bring myself to call her that because it’s Lily, my Lily, Lily Evans who has three freckles behind her ear which you can only see when she pulls her hair back, Lily Evans who once punched a muggle boy so hard when we were eleven that he had to have stitches over his right eyebrow, Lily Evans who sat up all night once with me to count the stars and asked me whether I thought there were exact versions of us somewhere else out there in the universe, Lily Evans who never realised how special she is, Lily Evans who has broken my heart over and over and over again and never ever even seems to notice...
If anyone catches me crying over her, my life will be over before I can even think of how I’m going to manage to continue it without her, how I’ll wake up every morning now that my only hope has been extinguished, if I’ll be able to survive breakfast without my heart imploding, whether I’ll ever manage to be in the same room as her without her friends murdering me for what I’ve said to her, for what she’s done to me, for looking in her direction, for thinking, for one, stupid moment that maybe it would be different for me one day and that maybe I’d get to be the lucky one...
All our secrets. All the things the six of us have shared in the last weeks and months. All for nothing. I’m as dispensable to them - to her - as the rest of the world, as anyone who isn’t exactly like them.
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