He never told her just how much she meant to him, or how she had saved him from himself all those years ago. He never told her how much he admired her and her bravery; it was the same bravery that had allowed her life to be taken from this world. He never told her so many things, and now the opportunity was gone. He would never have an opportunity again to tell her. He had wasted all his chances so many years ago, when they were still in school. All those times when they were alone studying, or just enjoying each other’s company, and he chose to silently admire the redhead beauty rather than just tell her how much he loved her, and how much he would continue to love her, if he was given the chance.
He had always been worried about James Potter, who also seemed to be caught by her beauty. There was no way he would have a chance with her when someone like James was also competing for her heart, but then she had turned the arrogant boy down, and all she had left was the boy who had been there all along. It was at that time, though, that he found out he wasn’t only competing against James, but also himself, and found that he was very quickly losing. He wasn’t only losing Lily’s heart, though; he was also losing his grip on reality, on emotions other than hatred and anger. It was only his fault that a year and a half later, after he called her a Mudblood, that she began to run to James’s arms. They were together for 1,779 days - not that he was counting, of course, because that would be pathetic, which was a good word to use when one talked about him. He was too pathetic to tell the woman that he loved how much he felt for her, too pathetic to stand up to his classmates when they confronted him about blood superiority, and too pathetic to back out now.
What he was going to do, he didn’t know. All he knew in that moment was pain, pain like he had never felt before. Sure, he had gotten a good dose of it as he watched her happily wander around Hogwarts as Potter’s girlfriend, and then later become his wife, but at least she had been happy - happy and alive. Now she was nothing more than a corpse, a representation of lost hopes and dreams. She was nothing more than a symbol of the past; there was not going to be a future with her in it, no matter how much he wished for it. All he had left of her now were his memories, and as much as he wanted to remember all the happy moments with her, the only memory that would come to him was the look of hurt on her face when he called her a Mudblood. He had tried for the next two years to get her forgiveness, but he had crossed a boundary, and he knew that he didn’t deserve her forgiveness. Even though he knew this, he still hoped for all those years that he would get it, thinking that there was still plenty of time to get it. But now it would never come.
“Lily,” he gasped, her name finally escaping his lips. He held her expired body to his for just a few moments longer before he stumbled out of the destroyed house to the only hope he had left: Dumbledore.
AN: Thank you so much to TenthWeasley for being my wonderful beta! This is my first ever attempt at a Snape/Lily so I really hope that you enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think!
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