A/N: Warning:This is a parody. The author is not responsible for any headache caused by nonsense, bad writing or some more nonsense. Thanks for understanding.
Another warning: Yes, clam_chowder@FictionAlley, this is inspired of your cliché catalogue and I am crediting.
“I am Draco Malfoy and I exude an aura of complete confidence and smugger at all times, yet, according to angst writers, I am plagued by inner conflict.”
Yes, yes you are and stop introducing yourself!
Without making any connection or giving further information, I'll introduce the next character, Lucius Malfoy, who is a cruel and sadistic tyrant who wishes Draco to become an evil Death Eater like him.
"How can I tell him of my secret desire to become a Gryffindor and raise fluffy white puppies on a cozy little farm with Hermione? Or is it the life of a needlessly evil criminal that I want? I am so confused." We're not there yet, Draco! Stop giving away the plot!
"But everyone knows you won't write something original anyways..."
An evil Voldemort appears nonsensely in the sight.
“Holly shit, it's you! Um, I mean... What are you doing here o' Master of Wonderful Badness? How did you get in?”
“Hagrid's been keeping me as a pet for some time now. He is a very... affectionate man.”
Let's have a little awkward silence following that, please...
“But never mind that now; I have a task for you. If you succeed, you will become a Death Eater and live a life of misery by my side. If you fail, then I will personally peel all of your skin off, squeeze the juice from your limp body and hack you into a complex 3-D jigsaw puzzle.” And some still wonder why Draco was depressed in his sixth...What? Haven't I mentioned it's the sixth year?
"What is the task, my lord?”
“You must seduce Hermione Granger and impregnate her with your devil spawn!”
“May I ask why you want me to do this?”
“Because I'm sterile. Now piss off, I've got evil things to do.” Voldemort disappears with a 'puff'.
“Whatever. It's not like I've never seduced anyone before. Gee, I sure hope I don't develop feelings in the short time I actually spend with her." As if that could ever happen!
There are following a bunch of events that no possible reader want to hear (again). By some very unexpected yet conventional happenings, Hermione falls in love with Draco (told you unexpected things were to come) - truly emotional moments that would make readers sick are not to be mentioned. Ron forgets about his crush for Hermione and even agrees to be the Godfather of their first child. Even Harry forgets about the possibility of Draco being a Death Eater. Everyone is friends with anyone and they sit peacefully near a fire (in the Gryffindor tower, because that's where cool people hang around - discussing of ways to destroy evil and cookies recipees.
“We can do it!" Harry exclaims suddenly, because he felt himself ignored, "All for one and one for all! Even Malfoy, who I have a sudden inexplicable fondness for! Hey - where is he?” Hermione sighs at the thought of her three days lover.
“Here he is, your Dark Lordiness. I brought you straight to him, just like I said I would!” Draco comes in, followed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named only, because fuck this, he is Lord Voldemort and needs no help to kill Harry Potter. Everyone is frightened and several wet their pants.
“Excellent. Now I can kill you, once and for all! Any last words, Potter? Jeez - how many times have I said that now?”
“Twelve, at least.”
“Actually, I do have something to say. You seem to have forgotten a very important factor in all of this, my dear Voldemort.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“I may be weak and tired, and this may not be an actual canon storyline - but I am still the main character. And thus, by the laws of fiction - I CANNOT DIE!” Harry defeats the Dark Lord with his immortal main character powers. Everyone is happy now. Several people offer themselves to clean his shoes with their tongue.
“Well, that was even easier than usual. I didn't even have to be mortally wounded!"
A well known blonde hair tries to sneak out without being observed. Harry notices him with his third eye no one knows about.
“Draco! You betrayed us! Who would have thought that you would turn out to be a traitor? I am so surprised - and the readers should be too!”
I said THE READERS SHOULD BE TOO! Uh... I mean, Harry said - Harry said it.
“I didn't betray you. I only pretended to betray you, so that I could gain the trust of the Death Eaters, and aid the Dark Lord's downfall. Look at the truthfulness and emotion in my eyes! Look!” Hermione is the only one who believes him.
“Stop that,” all the others roll their eyes.
“But what if you are only saying that to gain our trust, now that you know that we have won?” Ron finally has a strike of intelligence.
“But what if I wasn't?”
"But what if you were? And if that were true, then shouldn't you have told us about your plan?" Ron strikes again.
“I'm confused. Let's just try to rebuild society,” Harry concludes.
“Wait! Just because Voldemort is dead, that doesn't mean that his thousands of minions are!” Isn't it unlike for Ron to be the only one who makes sense?
“Yes it does,” all the others erase the only trace of logic in the story.
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