A/N: Warning:This is a parody. The author is not responsible for any headache caused by nonsense, bad writing or some more nonsense. Thanks for understanding.
Another warning: Yes, clam_chowder@FictionAlley, this is inspired of your cliché catalogue and I am crediting.
The story is, of course, settled at the beginning of an unknown year, so that I don’t have to take in account any of the important - and still insignificant for my love story - events taking place in any of the Hogwarts years. The Sorting Hat is brought out. Now, to avoid writing a rhyming song I am not good at making, I’ll randomly enter Draco near the Gryffindor table where the trio is sitting, no matter it’s an official event and a Slytherin staying near the Gryffindor table might not be really hard to notice.
I’m not taking the time to describe him as everyone knows he’s perfection or even more. Though, I’m giving readers a brief moment to swoon at the thought of his brightness.
“Hello, all,” he unexpectedly and completely out of character starts talking way too respectful with the trio,” In a complete contradiction to my entire personality up until this point, I will now proceed to redeem myself despite the fact that I have been a total asshole for most of my life.”
The trio finds it all completely believable, as people often change dramatically in the span of eight weeks for no reason. Even Harry, who mumbled ages about it, has conveniently forgotten that he is probably a Death Eater and they are now all best friends.
“Excellent! Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and sever all ties with my family.”
Some nameless first-years are sorted to make Hogwarts sound like a real school...
“I wonder if we will meet any strange, attractive new student with exotic powers this year,” Hermione wonders.
..., plus an unnecessary perfect girl, appeared of nowhere, that might also have some exotic pow-
Hermione, why are you ruining the plot?!
Every male within 2 miles instantly falls in love with her. I will avoid trying to make the reader throw up by describing her incredible smile that lightens the whole world as she turns, same as the raising rainbows as she passes. Of course, she stays just next to the trio where Draco still stays, after the pause taken to deny his family and probably also his House.
“Hello there! My purpose is to confuse the readers with my detailed and illogical past, as well as to win the hearts of everyone here,” the perfect girl, Harriet, says, showing her perfect smile. Harriet was, of course, sorted into Gryffindor where all the beautiful, rich, perfect heroes live.
From now on there will be, of course, no mention of any other characters as everybody else around them is just jealous of their beauty (and radiance) and average.
“By the way Harry, I'm your long-lost twin sister who was abandoned at birth for future plot reasons.”
Harry doesn’t even have the chance to comment anything on that, as Harriet notices Draco and, of all the males in the room, she falls in love with him. Harry assumes his brother role and, due to his new (best)friendship with Draco, bless their relationship. Several males can’t take the fact: Colin begins to cry and, in a moment of agony, rips all the Harry Potter #1 fan badges and posters (although he’ll be carefully putting the pieces back together later), Seamus tries to kill himself in a fit of jealousy, thinking that Harriet could have been the love of his life, although he’s only seen her back as she passed by, and Crabbe and Goyle have a severe depression that leads them to eating just half of what they ate once – still four times more than a normal person.
In order to avoid people asking what happened with Pansy, I’ll make her act like a total bitch and sleeps with everything that moves and even some things that don’t, so that any reader will hate her and want her to die.
Because no Hogwarts year can be without, Voldemort gets to attack the school. Draco has to do a hard choice: either to betray his ugly, sadistic master or his loving, wonderful friends. Of course, by the power of good and due to the great life epiphany he had at the beginning of the year, he fights with the good.
During the battle, the only wizard that Voldemort is afraid of, Dumbledore disappears mysteriously (although we all know he would beat him to death). Our heroes still get to kill Voldemort, though, with their courage and the power of love. When the battle finishes, Dumbledore gets back from his impossible to delay, secret, important business, giving all the Houses billions of points for the courage they’ve shown.
Everyone is now happy. Also, to avoid the canon wedding that must have taken place in the future, it turns out Astoria Greengrass unfortunately died in the battle.
The characters – only the important ones with wonderful, everlasting relationships, of course - skip off into the distance with their loving partners and live happily ever after, until the next year, when Draco will most likely cheat on Harriet with Hermione, who will be also involved in a secret relationship with Harry by then and Ron will, of course, be ok with it, because he’ll discover he’s actually gay and fall in love with Harry, who will already have been married and divorced like six times to Ron’s sister, Ginny, and other half of the Hogwarts females, no matter he is still underage.
Praying to God this is –
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