And so I sit here looking at the sun. It is setting and it casts a beautiful glow in the sky. Gold and red. As I have said: beautiful, quite the opposite of my presence. I am stuck here, forever tormented by my memories... The things that I'd rather be ignorant of.
My legs curl up against my chest, my arms wrapping them. Normal arms. Not my silver man-made one.
I think I can hear your disappointed sighs as the breeze ruffles my matted hair. It is not your fury I am afraid of; it is your disappointment. Like how a big brother would feel when his younger brother let him down terribly.
When I look your son, I can see the mingling disappointment in his eyes. He wonders how a friend that you had ultimately trusted betrayed you.
But I remember a conversation you once had with me in sixth year. About my Animagus form. A rat. A stinking rat, I had said bitterly. I could not be trusted with anything. I was a lowly rodent, one that spread diseases worldwide, I had said, my heart clenching horribly.
To my surprise, you laughed and flung an arm around my shoulder. You pulled me into a brotherly hug and told me to sit next to you. Then you said you were proud of me. Very proud. I had apparently realized the destruction that I could cause and decided to confront it, head-first.
This made me brave, you said, looking up at me with admiration shining in your eyes. You told me that I was an excellent Gryffindor, and you were honoured to be my friend.
I had looked at you in utter disbelief, my jaws slacked. You looked at me, smiling. I thought you had finally lost your cracked-up mind.
The Rat, you explained, was an incredible survivor. And it was a caring family member. Rats never abandoned their family. They took great care of their parents... their children... and their siblings...
At the last part you smiled lightly at me. But what if I made a mistake! I cried out despairingly. What if I put everyone I love in danger? What if I let something slip and you and Sirius and Remus died?
You laughed loudly and told me that was a ridiculous thought. And that I would never put them in danger intentionally. I suppose I didn't look convinced, because you sighed and looked at my eyes searchingly. The world is not made of black and white, Petey, you said softly. It is not divided into good and bad. There are shades of grey in between and you, Peter Pettigrew, are definitely not dark. Sirius once said that to me, you added, breaking into a chuckle. About the wisest thing he ever said.
And then we broke into raucous laughter, rolling on the grass under the beech tree. Our beech tree.
However, you said quietly after the laughter died down, if you ever do make a colossal mistake, I can't say it doesn't matter. But as long as you regret it deeply, vow to never make that stupid mistake again and learn from it... I'll always be proud of you.
I looked at you with tears in my eyes and tackled you roughly, unexpectedly. You always know what to say, James... and... I'm proud that I'm your brother.
I shake out of my thoughts, a tear slipping down my cheek. I made that colossal mistake, and I regretted it deeply indeed. I vowed to never, ever make that mistake again. But I did. I ran away from Sirius, Remus, Harry and his friends, to join the Dark Lord. Still, even now, after my death, a word ever haunts me: coward
Your voice, always filled with disappointment, murmurs softly through the dark: I trusted you
James, please... I thought despairingly one night in Malfoy Manor. Please... For one last time... help me.
You granted my wish quickly. That night was the night your son was captured, along with his friends. He was hit by a stinging jinx, I knew, because he looked like the time Lily put that jinx on you.
I was told to check on your son and his friend and I was determined to help them escape. I felt the need to repay the kindness you had shown to me during our school years. You took me into the Marauders when I was friendless. You stood up for me when others taunted me. Yes, I needed to repay that.
Harry and his friend Ron attacked me the moment I swung the door open. They took my wand and I felt the silver hand trying to strangle Harry. It was acting as though it had a mind of its own. No! I tried to get out, my cries muffled.
Luckily, it switched its course and killed me instead. I floated up here, to a shade under a large tree, thinking about things best not dwelled about... Things I'd rather forget.
AN: Ok, a little sappy and all... But it's Peter so... Hope you enjoyed it!
Write a Review Memories I'd Rather Forget: Sorry I Let You Down