Chapter 3 : Job 3: Recieve OWLs, Fetch Friends and Recieve Howler
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Drool-worthy CI by JaydScarlett at TDA! And FTR... I'm marrying Lucas Till, not anyone else.
Job 3: Receive OWLs, fetch friends and receive howler
I’m not exactly sure when we fell asleep – somewhere inbetween Shrek 2 and 3, I think, because the last thing I properly remember was Prince Charming harping on to ‘Mummy’ about something.
But I do remember how I woke up, though.
I’ll give you a clue: my eardrums will never be the same again.
Nah, that’s an awful clue. But I’m awful at treasure hunts, don’t you know?
I was, in fact, woken by Rose screaming at the top of her lungs, because Hermione had come running up the stairs to tell her that two large school owls were heading our way… with our OWLs in them.
Hence, the shrieking.
When Hermione eventually got Rose to shut up, and Hugo had taken more photos of me with popcorn imprinted in my face, and cowering from Rose’s screams, Rose dragged me to the kitchen to floo to wake up Louis while she woke Al; just so that she could see their OWLs when they arrived.
I was pretty jittery, but not quite ready for this task. I was still half-asleep, especially because I had not had my daily morning bed-shower from Rose.
Yes, for those of you who are a little slow, Rose chucked a pitcher of ice-cold water over me every morning.
And so, I was unceremoniously shoved into Rose’s green-fire-filled fireplace while she screeched ‘Shell Cottage!’, and I was spinning madly, and trying to not be sick. The fireplace was making me really claustrophobic, and I was going to be trapped forever…
Until I fell out onto Fleur Weasley’s pristine white kitchen tiles, that is.
Uh-oh. I had just fallen onto her pristine white kitchen tiles covered in soot.
I was so dead. I really should have gotten that funeral stuff down in writing earlier.
Luckily, it was just Bill and Victoire in the kitchen when I arrived. Victoire was ok, and Bill wouldn’t care two jots about the pristine white floor tiles (Yes, you have to say the full name each time – PWFT for short).
I was a bit slow in recovering; just kind of sitting, a little shell-shocked, until Vic kindly helped me up and into a seat while Bill poured me a cup of strong black coffee. I needed it badly (and probably looked it too – good thing Hugo wasn’t here).
They were both nice enough to not comment on my bed-ready-state – i.e. in my pyjamas, which would be considered hooker clothing for some naïve people.
Naïve because you have obviously never been in a situation in life where you are forced to wear an old purple bra, granny pants, bedsocks and a long cardigan to bed as pyjamas. Whereas I am perfectly used to it by now.
After I had slurped half the cup down, Bill gently asked, “Pepper? Can I just ask why you came here at half past seven in the morning like this?”
I was only a little more wide awake, but managed to choke out: “Rose. Louis. OWLs.”
Hmm. Looks like my brain-to-mouth filter is working a little too effectively.
Pepper’s List of Stuff to Do
Find out a way to summon the knight bus off the top of muggle house
Receive ministry howler & protest at ministry
Get down funeral arrangements
X Invest in a brain filter X
Stop matchmaking my friends
Stop telling Rose stuff and never challenge her again
Find out a way to normalise my eyebrows
Find a notepad to write my list of things-to-do in
“Rose pushed her in here to grab Louis so they could compare OWLs,” Vic translated.
THANK YOU, MY FRIEND!
I nodded, and dragged myself upright before running to the sink to pour water over my head so I could speak coherently again. It worked.
“AAH fucking bollocky shitting hell… crap fuck shit!” I never said I enjoyed my morning wake-up… but it works.
Bill frowned a little but only said, “You’ll have trouble getting him up, I warn you.”
I scowled. “Has he gotten even worse again? Arse. Well, he should be prepared for Pepper Grass’s amazing wake-up call!!” And I stomped out the kitchen, only tripping once, with muffled giggles behind me.
“LOUIS EMILIE WEASLEY!!” I screamed, stomping up the stairs. I really do have such a temper in the mornings… no wonder Rose warns our dorm-mates before she’s about to wake me up.
I slammed into his door and hurtled in. His room is actually a pleasant lilac colour, because Fleur says that Louis isn’t here most of the time so she should get to choose what colour it stays, and so Louis stuck various posters to the walls with Permanent Sticking Charms (with our help, of course). Unfortunately, he only had enough to cover a wall and a half, so we used sweet wrappers from the food we ate to try to cover the rest of the gaps, and even then, there is still half a wall uncovered.
I looked around, feeling kind of like an angry bull (minus the nose ring) but when I saw Louis sleeping really peacefully, it all melted away. He looked so innocent when he was sleeping, and I just wanted to sleep too…
I was halfway under his quilt, because his family wouldn’t have been worried as they know I’m practically a Weasley, until I realised he was nearly naked except for a small-ish pair of boxers.
Well, damn. Even his family wouldn’t be able to ignore those slightly worrying circumstances.
Maybe I could steal his duvet instead. Yes, good idea Pepper – sleep on his floor.
But then Rose’s angry face flashed in my head, and I sighed. It would be no use ignoring her. So instead, I dragged Louis by his foot out of bed, down the stairs and into the kitchen, cursing un-mildly along the way. Boy, was he heavy. I didn’t know that it was possible to weigh three times what you looked, but now I knew, dammit.
“See you later,” I called to Louis’ family as he started to wake up and I dragged him into the fireplace. The worrying thing is that they didn’t even seem surprised that I had dragged him, in his boxers, to the fireplace without waking him up. Ah well.
I had barely even stepped out of the grate before Hugo had taken a photo of me, in my inappropriate underwear, dragging Louis, also in inappropriate underwear, out of the fireplace, while he was still sleeping.
Rose was upon me, shrieking that I had taken way too long, before I had even fallen to the ground. Which I promptly did.
Louis is a good pillow, you see. (Although I’m not sure I want to know how his skin got that soft… if Dom discovers he’s used her moisturiser again, she might just Avada him).
SNAP! I don’t even bother looking to see where Hugo is this time. Rose runs outside to greet the owls with our OWLs.
“Morning, Jam,” Albus mutters over his very black coffee to me. We all call each other by our (equally ridiculous) middle names sometimes, amongst other amusing nicknames. I roll over so I am lying on my back on Louis’ face to see Al properly before rubbing my eyes and saying, “Hi, Sev.”
Al looks pretty awful. He’s got a Holyhead Harpies t-shirt on (despite them being a women’s’ team) and checked pink, green and black long shorts. I gather from this that Rose forced him into clothes before she brought him back. I don’t know why I’m friends with that lunatic sometimes.
“What’s Louis doing, exactly…?” Al asks, slightly worried. I can’t blame him. Louis is snoring on the floor in his canary-yellow boxers.
“I have no idea. But Rose will go mad if she comes back in and sees him like this.” So we try to drag Louis upright and into a chair, then stand back and practice our thoughtful faces while working out how to wake him up.
Eventually, I have the answer. I lean over and tickle him on the stomach so that Louis creases up, giggling insanely, almost immediately. I don’t let up until he is shouting for me to stop and is properly flailing his limbs around… after all, he needed to be properly awake.
“Nice one, Pep,” Al smirks, and gives me a high-five as Louis drags himself upright and collapses into a chair.
Al suddenly squinted at me, looking confused. “Jam, why are your eyebrows black and blue?”
“They’ve gone blue?!”
Of course, Rose chose that moment to rush in with our OWLs, screaming madly. She chucked them at us frantically, the poor owls being caught just about by each of us. Hugo no doubt had another photo of that, too.
Of course, Rose chose that exact moment to nearly hyperventilate, and Al choked on his coffee, going blue in the face while Rose had gone blue too. Blondie in the corner was absolutely no use (he was attempting to talk to his owl). So I did what any girl in my situation could be expected to do.
I punched all three of them.
Even I have to admit, later on, that hitting them wasn’t the best idea. But it was all ok – Hugo popped up with his mum in tow, who simply used an Enervate charm on each of them. I still can’t believe Louis fainted when I punched him.
Mind you, I do pack a hard punch. Although it wasn’t that hard. Louis is such a girl.
But Rose had ripped open her OWLs letter before she was even up from the floor. Unfortunately, I was halfway through opening mine with a steak knife (why?!) when she screamed, so I ended up cutting myself.
I need to teach Rose how to handle news, seriously. I now have a bloody cut on my hand.
“What’d you get, Dora?” Rose’s middle name is Nymphadora, you see. And she was hopping up and down on one leg, turning in a circle, so I thought it was probably quite safe to ask.
“O’s! All O’s! O’s!” she shrieked, then laughed in relief. I scowled.
“Well help me open mine then, slavey. You made me stab myself, so you can do this.”
Rose obediently came over and opened my letter for me, before scanning it and smiling. “Any time you’re ready, sir,” I said sarcastically.
She was grinning too widely and freakishly, with teeth bared practically to Bugs Bunny standards, so I just sighed and ripped my results out of her hand. It read:
Pepper Confiture Grass’s Ordinary Wizarding Levels: (Yes, that’s it, rub in the ridiculousness of my name why don’t you?)
Care of Magical Creatures: A
Defence Against the Dark Arts: E
History of Magic: T
Well now, that’s not too bad, right? Everyone fails History of Magic. It’s like the law. I bet if you don’t (and you’re not related to Rose’s mum) the Magical Law Enforcement officers come and arrest you.
And yes, I failed Herbology, because the biting plants scare me. I’m pretty shocked that I survived Potions, though – I had to copy the person next to me because I’m horrendous at brewing potions. Everything just naturally explodes around me!
Hm. I think that little piece of advice applies to life too.
But I can BS my way through the bits of divination I don’t get. I can read tea leaves and tarot cards and palm readings and stuff because Mum dragged me on a summer-long course before year 6. It’s actually pretty useful if you have to go to the supermarket and you don’t have any money to buy food – go to the most gullible-looking checkout girl and read her palm as ‘you will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. It will be life-changing’. It pretty much always works if you need a free meal.
And astronomy is AWESOME. I love the stars and stuff. Charms I thought I’d do better on but that’s ok. And I hate transfiguration but Rose forced to me to revise.
Of course, she got all O’s. I always knew it (hell, who didn’t?)
Al was grinning and punching the air, and Louis was frowning at his paper slightly. I walked over to him and read over his shoulder for a second before jumping backwards and knocking straight into Rose who was still victory-dancing.
“What the hell?!”
Louis just raised an eyebrow and shrugged, still speechless.
He had failed Charms, Herbology, COMC, divination, and astronomy. No big Louis deal.
He had gotten an A in DADA and Potions (he was my potions partner and I have a feeling we both scraped the same way), an E in ancient runes, and an O in transfiguration and History of Magic.
“What the fuck?” Al and Rose were giving us questioning looks now, at why I kept swearing, but Louis and I were just open-mouthed in astonishment.
How the HELL did Louis get an O in the hardest subjects out there?!
“Fucking hell,” Al and Rose cursed at exactly the same moment, as they bent over him. Rose seemed even more speechless than us as Al laughed hard. “You’re a boff, mate!” he spluttered, punching Louis on the shoulder before falling over with the hilariousity of the situation.
I looked round expectantly, but Hugo didn’t appear. Damn him! It would seem that he only has Pepper-humiliation radar. Maybe he has gaydar? I could ask him about Louis, who seems pretty messed up to me, but is also a bit of a ho. In a manly way… (or not).
When we were all a little more used to the idea of Louis passing what he did, we compared Al’s results too. They were pretty standard, except that nobody was doing astronomy with me. Everything else, we were all at least with one other person, fortunately.
Then another owl flew in through the window, screeching like you wouldn’t believe. A scarlet letter on its leg was smoking, and Rose had to tear it off herself, the poor bird was in so much pain.
Unfortunately, I knew exactly what was coming for me.
“PEPPER CONFITURE GRASS!!!” The letter screamed at me. Here we go again with the stupid name-calling thing. Rubbing it in that they have better, calmer lives than me, with proper names and actual homes. My life sucks and I blame it on the name. It’s easier that way!
Ok, those parts of my life suck – not the Al/Rose/Louis parts.
“IT HAS COME TO THE ATTENTION OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC THAT YOU HAVE PERFORMED UNDERAGE MAGIC OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL!” No shit.
“YOU WILL RECEIVE A WARNING, AND IF YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN, YOU WILL BE EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL WITH A RESTCRICTED WAND.” Huh, is that what they call snapping a wand – ‘restricting’? Oh my poor wand… I hope it never has to go through that!
“Many thanks.” And with that, the stupid thing tore itself up in front of our very eyes. Rose’s family had come to stand in the doorway, looking slightly shell-shocked, when they had heard the damn howler start, and Hugo was happily checking his camera. Of course, what the ministry doesn’t know is that I have performed underage magic many a time before, but only around the magical families (ie. Weasley relations) that I stay with. They can’t track it then – all the better for us!
Everyone’s gaze shifted to my face as I took out my wand and incendio-ed the remains of the letter, scowling. Hahaha, take that you stupid piece of paper! You thought you could expel me for doing just that, but nooo, I can beat you any day! Scissors beats paper any day!
“I may be the scissors, but I’m still going to protest at the ministry!” I announced.
It was Rose who stepped forward to pull me up towards her bedroom and said, “No you’re not. There’s no need.” She was using her Forceful Face.
Fortunately, this time I realised this time when I was beaten, and went along still scowling.
“What. The. Hell?!” Al never was one to beat about the bush. You’d have thought that after living in the same room (Rose’s) as me for two days and a night, he’s have got the gist of what was packed in my useless trunk. But no.
Boys are so unobservant sometimes.
“Albus,” I explained patiently, “I don’t own many decent objects in the clothes department. You know that. My only decent pieces are kept at Hogwarts so they don’t get stolen or blown up when I’m at home.”
“Yes, but, how come you haven’t acquired any normaler clothing over the years?” he asked bemusedly. Yes, that is a question I often ask myself, and I had nothing to say to that.
“It is normal?” I tried feebly, but Al only deigned to answer with a snort.
We both stared down into my somewhat empty trunk. The few schoolbooks I had taken home lay sadly to one side, and my odd mix of clothes and plain other stuff was plonked everywhere else. I started mentally cursing myself for not packing better.
The things that weren’t books, were mostly multiple bikinis, kaftans, sandals, very high heels, a slightly hooker-ish combo of low-cut top and skirt and fishnets, along with beaded bags, lots and lots of hippie jewellery, two pairs of cutoff shorts and my Divination kit, which was a present from Delilah a few years back.
Yes, I was shocked she had bought something other than incense too.
“I think it’s pretty normal,” Louis said airily, walking into the room with just a towel around his waist. I rolled my eyes at this, but still took his argument.
“See! Louis thinks it’s normal!”
“Louis thinks wearing just a scarf to Diagon Alley is acceptable.”
I shuddered at the memory. “Still, at least someone does.”
Al raised an eyebrow as he surveyed my pitiful excuse of a trunk once again. “Eh, Jam… where’re your robes?”
I smiled grimly. “At the bottom of the black lake, covered in squid ink. Or do you not remember that little trick you pulled on the last day?”
Al’s eyes widened as he remembered exactly what he, his insufferable brother James, their cousin Fred and beloved Louis had pulled on me and Rose on the last day.
Oh, we got them back pretty well on the Hogwarts express *evil laughing*.
But dang, I’d forgotten to add getting robes to my large list.
Pepper’s List of Stuff to Do
Find out a way to summon the knight bus off the top of muggle houses
X Receive ministry howler & protest at ministry X
X Receive OWLs X
Get down funeral arrangements
Stop matchmaking my friends
Stop telling Rose stuff and never challenge her again
Find out a way to normalise my eyebrows
Find a notepad to write my list of things-to-do in.
“Is your Uncle Percy going to be at the Burrow when we go? Coz I really need to ask him a few ministry things.”
Al whirled around, looking scared. “You’re not actually willingly going to Uncle P to talk about ministry affairs?! Have you a death wish?!”
Honestly, he’s such a drama queen. “No, of course not. But I would like to find out how to summon the Knight Bus off the top of muggle houses and how to normalise my stupid eyebrows,” I said coolly.
I have never said anything coolly before. This should actually go down in history! Just call me ‘cool girl’ from now on.
He frowned uncertainly. “Why’d you want to be called ‘cool girl’? You’re not at all a ‘cool girl’.”
Dang, did I say that out loud? And it’s nice to hear some have faith in me, it really is.
Before I could snap at him, Al said, “Yeah, I think Uncle P’s gonna be there. I tend to avoid him though, so I wouldn’t be sure.”
“Good good.” I turned around to walk out the room and find Rose (who had disappeared to retrieve her jinx books from somewhere) when my eyes were practically blinded.
“LOUIS! Fucking hell COVER YOURSELF!” I screamed, shielding my eyes from the horrific sight they had just come across. “My eyes, they burn…” I wailed out of the bedroom, banging into the doorway on the way out.
Bloody hell. There may be a large amount of silly girls at Hogwarts who would love to see what I have just witnessed (and there would be a lot to admire if you liked to ogle that sort of stuff), but believe me, I am scarred for life.
Sooo, I hope you liked this chapter! I know I liked bits of it, but I’m not very happy with the OWLs bit… so please tell me what you think!
Next chapter is “Job 4: Write Down Funeral Ideas on Louis’s Walls”. We’re gonna meet all the Weasley-Delacours, and go round Louis’s house… and don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of silly stuff from Pepper along the way ;) Squee!
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