Chapter 4 : Confusion
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Ginny had refused to talk to her since the match. Luna had hoped that she would understand that this wasn't what Luna had wanted, that she'd had no idea that Harry liked her that way, but Ginny had refused to listen. She had felt more lonely in the past week then she ever had at Hogwarts. She had started eating at the Ravenclaw table again, but they were as mean to her as ever. They kept asking her how Loony Lovegood could have secured the affections of the Great Harry Potter. They had accused her of using love potions, among other things. She ignored them as she always had done.
It wasn't that hard to ignore them because she had to spend a lot of her time avoiding Harry. He kept trying to corner her. He wanted to talk, and she just couldn't face him. If she was honest with herself, she liked Harry. She couldn't lie to herself about that, and that was a big reason behind avoiding him. To like him, would mean hurting a lot of people. Most importantly, it would hurt Ginny too much, and Luna could not betray her friend that way. Of all the people in the school, with the exception of Hermione, Luna was the one person who knew just how much Ginny loved Harry. That made things all the more difficult.
She knew that she would be happy with Harry, and she thought that Harry would be happy with her, but they didn't fit the way that him and Ginny did. She let the Snitch fall into her lap before placing her face in her hands groaning softly. A very small voice told her that Ginny already wasn't talking to her, and that she should give Harry a chance, but the much louder voice told her the truth, that her and Harry even if they did try, would not last.
As she sat there twirling the Snitch between her fingers a familiar presence sat down beside her. Her fingers froze in their movements and a frustrated sigh escaped her lips.
“You stopped coming to the Gryffindor common room.” Harry's voice tore at her insides because there was so much pain in his softly spoken words. “You promised.”
She didn't look at him, but her fingers began spinning the Snitch again slowly throwing rainbows of light in every direction. “I'm not welcome there anymore.” She shook her head slightly so that her hair would fall to the side hiding her face from view.
“That's ridiculous. Of course you're welcome. Hermione and I miss seeing you. We've been worried.” He reached out and put the hair that was blocking her face behind her ear. Malfoy's face came to mind, and she didn't know why.
“Ginny--” Harry cut her off.
“Ginny will get over it. She's just upset right now.” She still hadn't looked up at him so he was shocked when her head snapped up.
“No Harry, she will not get over it.” The fierceness in her eyes was frightening. There was nothing dreamy about her in that instant. “If she hasn't gotten over it in the past six years then she's not going to in a week.” She took a deep breath and her countenance returned to normal. “Don't you see how much this is hurting her? I know she's not talking to me, but I see her, and I know her. She's hurting so much right now, and it's my fault.”
Harry stared open mouthed at her. “How is this your fault?”
Luna thought the answer to that was quite clear. “Because I did something to make you like me Harry. If you didn't like me when Ginny told you that she loved you, you would have loved her back, and everything would be fine.”
“No.” Harry said. “You didn't do anything. I like you because of who you are. You're so understanding, and you see things and people for who and what they are. You see the good in everything, and you have amazing faith.” He grabbed her hands knocking the Snitch out of them and to her lap. “I do love Ginny, and I told her that, but she's not you, she's not as good as you. I told her that I loved someone else and that I didn't think I could love her the way she loves me. She's Ron's little sister, she's my little sister. I could never love her any other way.” Harry's eyes were pleading with her, and questioning her response to his miniature outburst—his declaration. When she didn't respond, but only stared at him, his resolve hardened. “Luna...” He trailed off before leaning forward and capturing her lips in a kiss.
When Harry kissed her, she couldn't explain what rushed through her because she had never felt it before. Harry was gentle, and undemanding of her, and his kiss only lasted a few seconds before he pulled back. She couldn't deny that she had enjoyed it, and the joy left her with a certain amount of chagrin for her own feelings of happiness.
“Harry--” Harry cut her off for a second time.
“I'm sorry Luna, I couldn't help it, I--” He began to blush, “Did you not like it?” He turned his head from her, as if he was afraid of her answer. He probably was afraid she was going to tell him that he was a horrible kisser, or that she had felt nothing and his declaration of love was a waste of his time.
“No, I enjoyed it.” The corners of her mouth lifted in a half smile. “But Harry” She didn't want to continue and repeat her fears about Ginny. She didn't want to tell him all of the reasons that they shouldn't be together. She didn't want to tell him that they didn't fit together, and that they weren't right together, because when Harry had kissed her, it had felt right. All she wanted was for him to kiss her again. She had felt wanted, needed, and special. She knew that they wouldn't last. She knew that they wouldn't grow old together, get married, and have children, but she knew in that second that she wanted him for a little while. She felt she deserved him for a little while. “why did you stop?”
Harry's face lit up into the most brilliant smile she'd ever seen. His vibrant green eyes shone with relief, and something that she couldn't identify. His eyes flicked to her mouth before he lowered his lips to hers once more.
I know now that I love her.
It looks so simple when written;
Like the pen didn't hover--
the poet didn't struggle--
to make such a weighted declaration
You'd never know
that such an epiphany
is double edged--a sword
that cuts only him.
Because once it's said--
it can't be withdrawn,
but more so--even though it's said--
it won't matter;
it won't change anything.
It only makes the pain more acute--
the loss that much greater.
It only makes him realize
that he never lost anything--
because he never had it to begin with.
The pain is so great--
he can't even cry.
So silly for a mortal to love a God--
but I know now--that I do love her.
The pen hovered--
the blood drawn.
Luna had woken up that morning and found this new poem in the journal. It was the first one that he had written since the Quidditch match where Harry had given her the Snitch. She had been dating Harry for a few weeks now, and Ginny was still avoiding them. Hermione had tried talking to her, but Ginny wouldn't see any reason. Ron was impassive. He didn't like what their relationship was doing to his sister, but he wasn't going to begrudge his best friend happiness. Harry had definitely been happy, and Luna had been happy as well. She was eating at the Gryffindor table again, and spending her evenings in the Gryffindor common room. Everything was back to normal, except there was no Ginny, and Harry spent more time with her, cuddling her and doing things that boyfriends do.
Ginny's pain still upset her. She felt no less guilty, in fact her guilt had grown. She hated hurting her, but she was making Harry so happy. Now she had another person's unhappiness to weigh on her conscience. Her poet was hurting the same as Ginny was. He wrote that he loved her, and that he couldn't have her. She wondered if she still had the right to call him hers. She and Harry were an odd sort of pair, they both had someone that they rejected for each other Harry rejected Ginny, and Luna had rejected her Poet, however unintentional either rejection had been.
She sat at breakfast with the journal on the table. Harry was at her side occasionally he would put his arm around her, or kiss her cheek. She would smile at him, or rest her head on his shoulder. Her real attention was on the journal in front of her. Harry was not her Poet. She knew this. He had her, and therefore had no reasons to mourn the loss of her. This made a part of her sad, but it was not unexpected.
“What are you reading?” Harry asked peering over her shoulder at the journal.
“Just some poetry.” She responded lightly.
“Oh.” Was all he said. So she looked up at him.
“Do you not like poetry?” She asked, curious.
“No. I've never had a knack for it.” He smiled sheepishly at her. “I don't really understand it.”
“I could help you if you want.” She offered.
“No, it's alright.” Harry said. She could tell that it wasn't just that he didn't understand it, but that he didn't like poetry. “I have a lot to do with things. The order and Quidditch.”
She nodded her understanding before turning back to the journal. “I understand Harry.”
He seemed relieved that she had dropped the subject. “It's almost time for class. I'll see you tonight?”
She smiled and nodded. “I have to go to the library for some research, but then I'll be in the common room.” He leaned down and kissed her before heading off with Ron and Hermione.
Luna reread the last poem one more time allowing the guilt one last chance at her heart before she gathered her things for class.
Luna sat in the library rereading her Charms work, and double checking it for errors and such. When she was satisfied that everything was in order she packed up her things happy that she would be seeing Harry soon. It had been a long day since breakfast, and she needed his company. She smiled to herself at how much she was becoming accustomed to his attentions. They had made her awkward at first, having never received them, but now it was nice.
She was all but skipping down the corridor when a voice stopped her. “The Ravenclaw commons are in the other direction Ms. Lovegood.”
She turned around slowly before looking out the window. It wasn't dark yet, so she wasn't in violation of the curfew. She continued her line of vision to the owner of the voice. Her eyes fell on him, and she couldn't help it, her heart fluttered. “I wasn't going to the Ravenclaw commons Draco.”
He took a step toward her smiling. “Then where were you going? To snog Potter?” There was a harshness to his voice that she was accustomed to hearing from him, it was the voice that accompanied his sneer. She took notice that his tone became harsher when he said Harry's name.
“I was going to see Harry, yes. In the Gryffindor commons.” She said this simply. It was none of Draco's business what she was going to do with Harry. Though snogging was not likely. Harry was a gentleman in that respect.
“As I suspected. Well I'm sure you're aware that curfew takes effect in a few hours.” He sneered at her again. She didn't understand why they were having this conversation. He was confusing her.
“I know when curfew is.” She responded.
“Then you'll understand that if I catch you out of your house after curfew sneaking back to the Ravenclaw commons, from your nightly snog with Potter, I'll have to give you detention.” She couldn't understand his hostility. He had been perfectly civil with her the last time he had spoken with her. Things were different now though. She was his enemy's girlfiriend.
“I understand. Thank you Draco, for being such a good Prefect.” As she turned she saw a strange expression on his face.
“Wait.” She had made it only a few steps before he stopped her.
“Yes Draco?” She turned slowly to face him. She was taken off guard momentarily by how close he was to her. His hand was outstretched a little—as if he had meant to stop her physically if she had not responded to him.
He lowered his hand quickly. Now that she had the full power of her liquid blue eyes on him he found that he couldn't say what he had planned. In fact all power and knowledge of spoken language seemed completely lost to him. “N-Nothing.” he responded.
“Goodbye Draco.” She turned away from him again.
He watched as she wandered off again without a word. He didn't know what he had been thinking, stopping her like that. He really hadn't had a reason to. He also hadn't had a reason to be as mean to her as he had been. He had watched her leave the library, and something about the smile on her face had made him so angry. She had made it worse when she admitted to going to see Potter. The thought of Potter causing her to be happy settled like a stone in his stomach. How did Potter have the right?
It was wrong that Potter had so many blessings in his life while others went without. Not only did Potter have Lovegood—someone who was way too good for him, but he also had the Weaslette pining after him like a lovesick puppy. It was pathetic.
If he was honest with himself what really made his blood boil was how happy Luna made Potter. He wanted to pound the shit-eating grin off of Potter's face after every time that he kissed her. He would hear him talking to Weasley about her in Potions class. It had made him fumble his potions quite a few times in the past weeks. In fact he had almost cut his thumb off when Potter had told Weasley—bragged really—that Luna had agreed to be his girlfriend.
He had tried not to listen when Potter started going into detail, especially when he got to the part when he kissed her. He couldn't help hearing it though. As the weeks had passed he had developed a complete hatred for Potter that went much deeper than before. It went beyond what it had been before because now Draco was jealous. He wanted to be that happy—and he hated Potter for flaunting his happiness in Draco's face—even if Potter didn't know what he was doing.
He hated him too because of how he talked about Luna. She was a conquest to Potter. Draco could tell because of the sense of possession Potter had when he said her name. He was always going on about how he couldn't believe he had her—not that he was happy they were together, but that he was happy he had won her affections. Like she was a prize he was bragging about. Every thing about Potter annoyed him now, and he just couldn't understand why she wanted him.
He could take a guess as to why she had agreed to be with him, even though she was so obviously hurting her best friend to do so. Who could deny the Boy Who Lived Wonder? He didn't think Luna would be that shallow, but it helped a little to think she might be. That was why everyone else pined away after him. Just because he was The Boy Who Just Wouldn't Die.
Draco waited til Luna turned the corner and disappeared before storming off in the opposite direction. He wandered around aimlessly for a few minutes before turning around again catching a staircase just as it began moving. He took the steps two at a time on his way to the owlery. Hastily he scribbled a note on a piece of parchment. He had, had a wonderful idea, and his mother was just the person he needed to help him. He doubted he could get the objects he needed in Hogsmeade.
He tied the note to his hawk's leg before carrying it on his arm to the window. As he watched the bird disappear into the night he couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.
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