Chapter 1 : Girls Give Me Dandruff (prologue)
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Chapter by DoubleBee (Bitterblue)
Girls give me dandruff. Honestly. Cross my heart and hope to die. Every time one of those female things even come near me, the white little flakes start to snow off my head like Christmas. Oh yeah, I’ve had my dealings with girls. Too much if you ask me. Okay, I get that I’m unbelievably good looking and every female falls to my feet in a boiling madness begging for me to kiss them. Yeah, I get that. What I don’t get it why there are so many bloody girls in the world anyway. I mean c’mon, they all seem to be at Hogwarts where I am the sex god. Oh joy.
Some girls just don’t get it. Some girls don’t see how astonishingly amazing I am and how I’m going to make their puny lives better by snogging them senseless. Nope, in their little worlds I am the enemy and they are the heroes. They can’t see that I have absolutely amazing biceps or the way I flick my hair out of my eyes and give them my evil, cocky, yet sexy glance. Nope, I’m just another stupid boy to them. Don’t even get bloody Marlene McKinnon started on how I’m the devil in disguise whose prime goal is to brainwash every female into becoming my slave. She’s completely bonkers if you ask me.
Then there are the girls who are just plain annoying, starting fan clubs and daring eachother to hump my leg. Like some sort of annoying jacked up dog. Ha ha, if only you knew how ironic that is. Anyway, they’re usually ugly and fat and have absolutely no life but watching Desperate Housewives all day and making out with their cats. They usually stalk me as well, sneaking behind the ruddy bookshelves at school, trying to get a glimpse of me. Absolutely pathetic if you ask me. The other blokes love to tease me about it. If only they knew what a bloody hell it was.
Some girls though, just don’t get the bloody picture when you let it off lightly. Or hardly in most of my cases. Sure I start dating them because they have spidery long legs or a nice bum, but then all that junk that they wear on their face starts to go to my head and I start wishing that maybe I’d gone with someone more natural. I mean seriously, all they bloody talk about is if they look fat and smack about all the other girls. It’s enough to drive even Moony mental (whose honestly the calmest person I’ve met). So anyway, I break up with them for all the same reasons and you know what? They go completely mental. Turn into absolute bloody lunatics. Start sobbing up a storm and clinging to my chest and I awkwardly start to walk away and they keep following me. Then they start screaming their sodding heads off and the next thing I know I’m in the Hospital wing.
Then there are the girls who are…you know, alright. They never pester me to ask them out, or stalk me behind bookshelves, or scream at me for no reason. They’re completely calm, down to earth girls, who love quidditch and think of me as a friend, not a sex toy. Some of those “alright” girls are actually pretty hot too. Like Dorcas Meadows. But she doesn’t see me that way, she sees me more as a friend and quidditch mate, no never a love interest. She’s out of bounds though.
Welcome to the story of my life. The story of me and my many endeavors with the female species. Believe me, your eyeballs with be burned out by all the sodding girls. But of course, that is what my bloody life is filled with. Girls, girls, and more girls.
AN: Welcome to a collaboration done by Gryffindor house!!! Please review!