Lily Evans was the hottest girl at Hogwarts. Everyone wanted to be her boyfriend, especially the really hot hot James Potter, who she hated. He was like, really full of himself and bullied her bestie Severus so she couldn’t even understand why he thought there was a chance on Merlin’s green earth that she would ever say yes to his fat head.
Not that Sev was nice, or anything like that that would make you want to stick up for him but he was her best friend so duh she wasn’t going to sit back and just watch Potter be a toerag because he was definitely a toerag.
Lily Evans was also super, totally nice to everyone besides the toerag Potter. She was always interested in everything everyone else was doing, and she was the top of her class, and all the teachers loved her, and she stood up for the bullied, and the house elves, and didn’t even flirt that much. And she was Head Girl. And Potter was Head Boy, so they had to share a dorm with a Common Room that connected their chambers which was totally annoying because like, he snored. And he always asked her out while she was coming back from classes wiping her wind-blown, thick, dark blond hair out of her tan, freckled face which had a button nose and gigantic beautiful green eyes. Just pounced on her, like that. Before she could even expect it. Because like, even though it happened every day, she was totally justified in always being upset and surprised about it cause she had other things on her mind.
Really, really important things. She was nice, right, so she wanted to make the world a place full of unicorns and turn all graffiti into hearts and smiles and turn all hateful words into loving whispers meant to uplift the heart and the spirit. So like when she saw these two guys, who were friends of toerag Potter who by the way was a toerag, and always messed up his hair and was a toerag, toeraggy toeragness radiating from his toeraggy appendages, and hair folicles, which he was always messing up, and she thought these guys were too afraid to admit their feelings for each other which is totally sad, because everyone deserves love. Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, and everyone. And by everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, and everyone, Lily meant everyone. Which meant that there was absolutely no one who was left out of those requirements because all you have to do is be someone to be part of everyone.
Unless you’re Toerag Potter. Then you do not deserve love, because you are toeraggy.
But Lily was an artist and was a really good painter and she liked to sit at her window looking down at the Black Lake and because her vision was perfect—better than perfect actually, it’s possible to have 21:20 vision and Lily had it—she could see everyone and painted them all perfectly. But Lily didn’t tell anyone about her secret painting ability because she was just so embarrassed to be artistic, it was totally not practical and no wizarding families ever liked anything besides Quidditch unless it was practical and Lily did not want to be totally ostracised from society and popularity because she was good, like really, really good at something impractical.
Lily was regally sprawled over her armchair so that the sun was tanning her face even in the winter. Suddenly a really strong feeling stuck her in the gut and she realised, oh my gosh, this is totally a gut feeling I need to follow it! So she got up and climbed into the humongous window sill and looked out and THERE THEY WERE! She totally knew it was worth it to follow that gut feeling because gut feelings are just things you have to follow, you know?
They were sitting next to a tree and throwing toast into the lake. They were best friends with the Giant Squid and knew all his favorite snackies. Lily sighed, clasping her hands under her chin. That was totally, so cute. It was just really cute when guys cared about animals. It made them really hot, too. All hottie hot hots loved animals. Except Toeraggy McToerag Potterface. NOT THAT HE’S HOT LIKE WOAH I DIDN’T MEAN THAT! Lily thought and shook her head and then looked back out of the window because she was really good at focusing because she was the smartest Witch in her class.
She decided that, as the coolest, hottest, smartest, most misunderstood girl in the whole school, she should be the one to bring these two men together. Because everyone deserves love. Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, and everyone.
Besides Toerag Potter. He def does not deserve it.
She ran really gracefully down from her Head Girl dorm which was all the way at the top of the castle all the way to the bottom without stopping or even sweating cause she was too pretty to sweat and she was also an endurance runner. She ran so many marathons for charity it was crazy and she couldn’t even remember all them if she tried. Which is saying something coming from the mind of Lily Evans because she also has a photographic memory because she is so smart.
She pushed open the great oak doors and meandered into the snow, wearing only her pyjama bottoms and a tank top, because she had forgotten to put on more clothes in her haste to help out chums in need. She shivered, walking out to the boys under the tree.
Remus was reading, his blond hair flopped into his eyes, and Sirius was still pelting the semi-frozen surface of the lake with toast. His long black hair was messy, and when he smiled up at her (totally gorgeous!) his canines were very pointed. Too pointed. Way, way too pointed.
But Lily did not judge people, so the shape of one’s canine teeth of course was of little concern to her.
“Like hi, Sirius,” she said, standing on one hip and twisting a lock of hair around her finger. “What is up?”
“Not too much, yo,” Sirius said, nodding and smirking. Lily swooned. He is totally swoon worthy.
“OMG Remus, I’ve read that book!” Lily said, pointing a perfectly manicured finger at Remus’s copy of the Tales of Beedle the Bard. “It’s like, really good, yeah.”
“I know,” Remus said, and kept reading. What-ever, Lily thought, I still love him because he deserves love and I am so sure that these two are destined forever!!!!!!
“You know it’s always the best ones,” Lily said, sitting down in between them.
“Best ones what, man?” Sirius said, scratching his head. “I only understand ambiguous statements after I’ve consumed a few firewhiskies, and kissed like—” He stopped all confused and held up his fingers to count on— “five girls.” He nodded, smirking, and let out a bark-like laugh, which was funny because Lily totally could have sworn that it was a dog barking!
“The best ones love the other best ones, and you two are like for sure the best ones.” Lily nodded, impressed by her word-wielding skills.
“Oh, so you mean, like, you know Remus and I totally dig each other?”
“Yeah, that’s so what I mean! You’re so smart, I love you!”
“But I love Remus, I hope that doesn’t like, hurt your feelings, man.”
“I love you in the general, nice girl love way! And I love Remus like that too!”
“It doesn’t matter that we love each other,” Remus said. He was totally grumpy, which was not cool because Lily was obviously trying really hard to do something nice and he wasn’t even grateful. “Society has crossed the stars above our heads.”
Lily was really prepared to answer this question because in addition to being the best in the Wizarding world she was also the best in the Muggle world and knew all about the Muggle play that this quote came from and remembered everything she’d ever read because of her photographic memory. “Star-crossed means ill-fated. You guys are totally and completely the modern day Romeo and Juliet!!!!!!”
“Who gets to be Romeo?” Remus asked, finally smiling.
“Me,” Sirius said. “I don’t know who Juliet is but she’s definitely a girl and you are the nice one and girls are nice so you have to be the girl in this relationship.”
“Okay, as long as I get to be with you forever my lovey-dovey.”
“You can be with me forever snooki-pooki.”
“AWWWW this is the best day ever!” Lily said, group-hugging her latest conquests.
“You know what would make it better?” James Toerag Potter asked, jumping out from behind the tree and peering out of the mask on his face with his hazel eyes. He held a cape out at a totally awkward but sort of cool angle in front of his mouth, and when he lowered the arm that was holding it up he had a rose between his teeth. Lily rolled her eyes. She hated that Toerag McToeraggy Toeraggykins with all of her heart.
“What, snotbag?” she asked, standing up and facing him. “YOU’RE SO STUPID, YOU’RE A TOERAG AND NO I WILL NEVER GO OUT WITH YOU SO JUST GIVE UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER YOU BIG-HEADED CREEP! AND STOP MESSING UP YOUR HAIR IT’S WEIRD!”
Potter stood looking stunned for a minute, and then his shoulders slumped so far down that they totally looked like they were going to bury themselves in the snow. Lily stood, feeling satisfied, she had totally apprehended his question before he’d even asked because she was just that smart and pretty.
“I was only going to say a fiesta,” Potter said in a small voice, and he sank down to the ground and started to cry. He lifted up his mouth which was wide open to the sky up above and let out a loud wail like a giant baby and cried his hazel eyes out, and he was so upset crying that he couldn’t even remember to mess up his hair and he tore off the mask that he had been wearing and crushed it in both hands above his head.
“WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MUST YOU BE A HATER OF FIESTAS?” he screamed at the sky, and it started to snow so he got snow in his mouth and choked a little before he screamed again, “ALL I WANTED WAS A LITTLE SPANISH DANCING AND FOR OTHER FIESTA ACTIVITIES TO COMMENCE AND YOU RUINED IT! YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE LILY EVANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Wait, no, Potter no I totally didn’t say I didn’t want a fiesta!” Lily said, going over to Potter and trying to comfort him by being near him with her prettiness and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He cried into her shoulder, muffling wordless screams in her arm. Lily looked over his head to where Remus and Sirius were happily celebrating their love by holding hands and giggling. She was totally jealous and decided maybe she did love James after all. He could cry despite all of her suppositions about his being an emotionless Toerag and her suppositions were usually right so no one could blame her of course because people as smart as her were just not used to being wrong!
“We will have a fiesta for James if it is the last thing that I ever do!” Lily declared into the air and James stopped screaming to listen. “Because I JUST LOVE HIM! AND I ALWAYS WILL! AND HE IS MY TRUE HOMEBOY, THE COOLEST OF THE COOL, THE MOST HIGH, LOVELIEST HOTTEST MAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN WHO HAS FEELINGS!”
“But Lily you hate me!” James said, looking up into Lily’s huge green eyes and taking off his glasses to rub his eyes. “You always call me Toeraggy McToeraggypants!”
“The days of such foolishness are over, my love,” Lily exclaimed, pulling James up out of the snow and picking up his mask from the ground where it had been sitting lonelily waiting for an opportunity to get fastened back around his melon. “Take your mask,” she said, holding it out to him. “And take my heart.” She grabbed his hands and put one of his arms around her waist.
“LET’S DANCE!” she screamed, and the whole entire school heard her because she was classically trained in the Italian Opera and they all flooded out into the snow and they all had a huge fiesta complete with Spanish dancing and other fiesta activities.
LIKE, THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author's Note: my sincerest apologies for the validator who comes across this monster in the queue! And to everyone whose eyes I've burnt, if you managed to make it all the way through the chapter. Most of the problems that I have with cliches fall into the marauders era, so I played it up. I hope you're alright :D feel free to express any overflow of emotion into the little grey box below ;)