Chapter 18 : From A Different Table
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A/N- hey guys! nobody guessed the POV, but here it is! And yay for quick updates! Let me know what you think!
Ladies and Gentlmen, I give you
Regulus Arcturus Black
Sometimes I wonder where I've been, who I am,
Do I fit in?
I may not win but I can't be thrown
Out here on my own - Out Here On My Own, Fame
I was sitting alone at a table full of people. It was ironic really, despite the people sitting either side of me I still felt lonelier than I had ever felt in all my life.
Glancing over at the Gryffindor table that sat opposite from mines I felt a pang of jealously. They were so free, happy.
It was something that I was never destined to feel, happiness. No, that was the destiny of my brother. Sirius. He was the lucky one.
He was meant to be happy. He was meant to be free. He was meant to get the girl. He was meant to truly live!
No. I was not destined for freedom or adventure. I was destined to be a good little pureblood boy and join the Dark Lord. It had been planned for me without my knowledge, I had to do it.
Regulus Black- the Death Eater.
It wasn’t what I wanted for my life. I wanted to be free. To choose my own path, I could have been a healer.
I could have saved lives, brought new life into the world. I could have cared about peoples well being, but it wasn’t allowed. Not for me.
Instead of saving lives I was destined to end them. I was to become a Death Eater. Don’t get me wrong, I understand Voldemort’s views, muggles should know about us and we are superior to them. But that does not mean that we should kill them all. We should just have them do our bidding. Like house elves.
I love my house elf. Kreacher practically raised me, he always had time to listen to me, time to sooth my nightmares when Mother and Father were too busy. They were always too busy. They didn’t care about our family, only having the perfect pureblood family.
I took quite bad when I came to Hogwarts. I had never had friends, only Sirius- who I was no longer allowed to speak with after he was sorted into Gryffindor. Mother had struck me across the face when I had asked her why it was so bad that Sirius wasn’t in Slytherin. It was the one and only time she ever hit me. I never questioned her pureblood mania again.
So I prayed to be sorted into Slytherin. I prayed to get into Slytherin despite having made my first friend. My only friend. A Gryffindor.
Yes Ladies and Gentlewizards we have gotten to the point where I met a Miss Kirsty Potter.
She was amazing, standing up to her brother and mine in a way I’d never seen a woman do. All of the girls I had even encountered were so well mannered and submissive. But not this girl, she was not taking any rubbish from anyone. I was in awe of her. The power she held over the two boys rather than the other way around.
She was something amazing and new, and she took me under her wing.
Nothing changed between us over the years- sure we saw each other less over holidays and such but that was to be expected. It was not as though I was able to inform my parents that I had become friends with a bloodtraitor. It was entirely secret.
And now that was gone.
And I missed her.
I missed her so bad that it hurt.
I had no one I was able to talk to about my life. My future. My family. Who I was and who I was going to be.
I was so alone.
I sat at a table full of people who thought they knew me and watched her from across the hall.
I was worried about her. My brother had broken up with her. That wasn’t what I wanted. I knew that she loved him. Kirsty had loved Sirius for a long time now. Well perhaps not loved, but she had always cared deeply for him. And he broke her heart.
And it was my fault. Those letters.
I had only been trying to get her to understand. I loved Kirsty. Merlin I still love her!
Maybe not in the way that she loves Sirius but that was not necessary for a marriage to work we could have had something. I could save her from the war in a way that no one else could.
But never against her will. Never when she wanted to be with someone else. My brother was so lucky. He had an amazing woman and he threw it all away. For what?
For a kiss that had happened before he had been courting her. It was unfair.
I watched her from across the hall, just as I had for the last few weeks. She had changed so much. She had dyed her beautiful strawberry blonde hair. She looked so much more like her brother now. Her moss coloured eyes stood out against her painfully pale skin. She had dark circles beneath her eyes and she wasn’t eating, only pushing food about her plate.
I was so worried for her. I watched as she faked a smile, as she held her head high and pretended everything was okay. Everything wasn’t okay for her. I had ruined her life. Between my brother and myself we had made her the way she was.
I had to take my part of the responsibility. I had been the reason they fought. And that fight had broken them up, causing the Kirsty who had been my best friend to disappear.
I watched as tears fell down her face and Potter strode round the table to embrace his sister. I couldn’t help but wonder what had just happened as I pushed food around my plate, checking that nobody had noticed my ever growing interest in the Gryffindor table.
It wouldn’t do to get caught watching them. I couldn’t be labelled a blood traitor. I couldn’t die. I wasn’t ready to die. I was only sixteen!
Kirsty stood suddenly, saying something to the people at her table and then making her way out of the hall.
I had to speak to her.
It was too much, being alone, I missed her too much, she was still my best friend.
I walked up behind her and just bit the bullet, saying the first thing that popped into my head.
“You’re looking really good Kirst,” I told her nervously. She paused, tensed like a garden gnome caught by a gardener.
Then she just kept walking, she didn’t even acknowledge me. Without waiting for my brain to process what had happened my hand reached out and grabbed Kirsty’s arm stopping her from leaving me. Again.
“I heard that he ended it with you. I’m sorry.” I told her honestly, my eyes searching her, trying to convey my honesty in that one look. She jerked her arm out of my grasp angrily.
“No you’re not.” She spat at me, I almost recoiled in shock. “You got exactly what you wanted Regulus Black. I’m miserable. You broke me. Well done. You can leave now.”
That wasn’t true, I would never break her. I couldn’t do that, she was my best friend!
“I never wanted to break you. I love you Kirsty, you’re my best friend. You always have been, you can't change that-”
She had to believe me she just had to!
“I am not your best friend.” She hissed at me, venom dripping from every syllable. I had never heard so much hatred in her voice before. And it hurt that it was directed at me. “I am not your friend. Hell we’re not even acquaintances!”
“Kirst, don’t say that!” I exclaimed. It couldn’t be true, she wouldn’t throw away six years of friendship. Our friendship meant so much. I only made a mistake!
“It’s the truth! What do you expect?!” She demanded. “You RUINED my life Regulus! You were my best friend and I trusted you! That’s what hurts the most Reg! I would have trusted you with my life! Hell I did trust you with my life, and what did you do? You tortured me! You passed me off to your pathetic little Voldemort worshiping friends! I could have died. And it would have been entirely your fault!”
Tears filled my eyes. That couldn’t be true. I didn’t know she would be in any danger. We were going to be together. That was what cousin Bella had told me! She said that I could have Kirsty, I never knew she would be in danger!
“Kirsty I swear I didn’t mean for that to happen! I thought that you could come with me. You’re my best friend, I hoped maybe we could be more… we could join him together!”
She laughed humourlessly. It was a cold and bitter sound. “Were you high?” she demanded her tone dry. I hadn’t thought that the idea had been that far fetched. I was trying to save her. “Did you honestly think for even a second that I would join him? Did you seriously think that you and I would ever have been more than friends? I NEVER loved you! I loved your brother! I loved Sirius!” Even though I wasn’t in love with her, this was still hurting me. I held my breath trying not to let the tears escape my eyes. “I loved the man that cared about people, who held emotion in his eyes! The man who would never join some, delusional, Dark Lord, hell bent on eradicating the world of muggles and muggleborns. Voldemort’s a fucking joke Reg. And so are you for joining him.”
I don’t want to join him Kirsty I don’t! You know that! You know I can't be one of them, I told you everything Kirsty, please believe it, I longed to say. But I couldn’t get the words out.
“I don’t love you.” She spat in disgust. “You are not my friend. And as of now, you are nothing to me. You betrayed my trust. You ruined my relationship. And as of this moment you are dead to me.”
And with that she turned on her heel and left me staring after her. The Great Hall, that had been silent throughout the spectacle, broke out into furious muttering. Tears that had previously been held back were flowing silently down my cheeks.
She didn’t mean that.
No she couldn’t.
We were friends for six years, best friends, study partners, drinking buddies. I couldn’t have screwed up so badly that she’d cut me out of her life and pretend that I was dead!
Could I have?
“What the fuck did you say to her?” My brother’s low furious voice growled from behind me.
I coughed and pushed the tears out of my eyes quickly.
“It’s none of your business Sirius.” I muttered over the lump in my throat all I wanted to do was sneak away to the come and go room. A place where I could cry and not be judged.
“It is my business if you’re making my girlfriend yell and storm out like that.” He snapped.
I looked at him incredulously.
“You really think that this has something to do with you.” I stated looking at him. “She’s not your girlfriend anymore Siri. You threw that away. And now this has nothing to do with you.”
I shoulder barged passed him and out into the entrance hall. Leaning against as stone wall beside a frowning portrait I took a deep breath.
I had just blown my cover. The Slytherins had generally known that I had a girl who I spoke to in Gryffindor, they had over looked it. Kind of like people did for Snape and that Evans girl that Potter was so obsessed with. Basically they thought we were shagging a couple of hotties from Gryffindor.
Choking back a sob I didn’t know what to do.
I cast a quick glamour charm over my face to hide any swelling and turned around to face the group that was coming towards me. It was lead by Evan Rosier, head of the group of ‘death eaters to be’ at Hogwarts ever since Lucius left.
“Ah, Rosier, nice to see you.” I lied smoothly.
“The Dark Lord wants to set a date for the groups initiations. Are you sure that you’re in?” He looked me up and down looking doubtful, especially after the show that had just taken place in the great hall. “Maybe you’re having doubts, wanting to fight against the Dark Lord… or are those thoughts over now your little girlfriend has left you?” His tone was slimy and disgusting, pact full of mocking. I hated him, but chose to overlook his comments about me joining the light and about Kirsty.
I took a second to think. I had no reason not to join now. I had been dithering, unsure whether or not I should. Thinking that maybe I could follow in my brothers footsteps. Be my own man.
But I would not have any support. I was delusional.
She never loved me enough to try. I never loved her in the correct way. And now she wanted to wash her hands of me.
I had nothing at all left on the light side.
“How soon can we join?” I asked.
A/N oooh! What do you guys think of that?! This was a complete tangent by the way! But it is for all of those Regulus haters out there! Because I love him! Even when he was torturing her I knew what was going on, which was why I stood up for him! But I’ve been really nervous about writing from another point of view! I just wanted you to know Regulus, because we won’t be hearing for him for a while now… Do any of you hate Kirsty just a little bit at the moment? Have any of you got a little soft spot for Reggy? Also, quick update right? Are you proud? This ladies and gents, is called procrastination! I’m good at it :D But by the time this is up my prelims should be finished and I should hopefully be writing more (I say this tentatively!) But please review! Because I love hearing from you so much! Thanks for being your amazing selves! – Kirsty xxx
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