Chapter 6 : Hermione
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It seemed like I could taste her fear on the back of my tongue, almost hear her crying out for my help. Feeling helpless when it came to my child was one of the most painful experiences in the world. My chest felt tight, like I couldn’t breathe anymore. And though Draco tried his best to show that he too was worried about our daughter, that he wanted her home just as much as I did, I was pretty sure that I was feeling much more pain than he was.
Mothers have a connection with their child that can’t be explained. Something happens when the child is growing inside of them that connects them in some way that no one else can understand. Sometimes it seems like I actually feel everything that she feels, know instinctively when she’s hurt or scared. It feels like a cold punch to my stomach, like someone is trying to hurt me while hurting her.
Over the last few days I have noted that most people are feeling rather miserable and though it was comforting to know I wasn’t the only one who was suffering it also didn’t make the pain lessen any. The pain was still there, raw and throbbing in the pit of my stomach like an open wound.
Though everyone has been trying to comfort each other during this time it didn’t seem like any of us were taking any comfort from it at all. Even Ron and Draco had been making an effort to get along during this time so that there wouldn’t be any added stress. But I knew that this was only a temporary truce because they were both suffering: Draco was worried about our daughter and Ron was worried for his sister.
Tonks had taken it upon herself to make sure I ate. She had put a plate down in front of me knowing that odds were I wouldn’t eat much if anything at all, and yet she insisted on doing so. She made be tea and sat across from me, eyes fixed on my face. I knew she was worried about me for more than one reason and while I was thankful to have such good friends who cared so much about my wellbeing I wasn’t in the mood to be taken care of. I wanted to stress and cry and search for my daughter. I wanted to worry about Ginny and be allowed to wallow in my own pity.
“Did you find out if you are yet?”
“No.” Though I wasn’t in the mood for it I lifted the tea up to my mouth, trying to avoid talking more about this. The truth was I didn’t want to know if I was pregnant. I was far too worried about the child I had to be able to handle worrying about the wellbeing of this one. I knew that if I was in fact pregnant Draco would try to keep me here where it as safe rather than trying to find Danica. And though I wouldn’t have blamed him for that I wasn’t in the mood to sit on my arse while everyone else was out trying to find out the truth.
“You know you really need to find out, Hermione. You need to take care of yourself. And if you are pregnant there are potions you need to take to keep yourself healthy.”
“I’ve been pregnant before. I know the procedure.”
“Then you also know how important it is to find out the truth.”
“Yes, I know.” Stabbing at the eggs on my plate with the fork I tried to avoid meeting her eyes. “But I also know that things are really crazy right now. I need to be able to be involved in all of this, to help look for my daughter. Draco would never let me do that if it turns out I’m pregnant.”
“He cares about you, Hermione. That’s a good thing. If he didn’t worry then you would have a reason to worry.”
“I know he cares about me. And that makes me more happy than you could possibly imagine. But I can’t sit on the sidelines when Danica is missing. I’m going crazy already even while being involved, but if I had to sit it out? I wouldn’t be able to handle that.”
“Let Draco handle the search.” Reaching out she placed a hand on top of mine. I looked up at her concerned face, feeling horrible for making my friend worry this much about me. “He needs to do this, love. He missed out on most of her life and now he’s trying to make up for that as best as he can by searching for her. This is the only way he knows how to be a father to her.”
“I know that, Tonks. And I understand that he wants to be involved in this. That he wants to help find her. And I’m so happy that he already cares about her that much. But I need to be involved, too. I’m her mother. I carried her, I gave birth to her. She’s a part of me and I need to help her.”
“Your health is important, too. And if you’re pregnant, than so is the health of your child.”
“I know that. But I can’t worry about that yet. Not yet. In time. Right now I have to focus on Danica. Just give me some time, Tonks. Too much has happened too soon. I can only handle so much at once.”
“I know. So much has happened to us all. I understand feeling like you can’t take anymore. I do.”
And I knew she did. Everyone was on edge right now, trying to find some kind of peace and finding themselves unable to. So I assured her I wound find out soon whether or not I was going to have another baby even if I didn’t want to because I knew that was what she wanted to hear. She wanted to be reassured that I would take care of myself and any child that I may be carrying. At least if I swore to look into it soon at least somebody would get a little piece of mind.
But my own personal peace didn’t last long because before I knew it Harry was making his way into the kitchen looking more solemn than I had seen him look in a long time. And considering his wife was unconscious and she had lost their baby I couldn’t blame them. I wished I could make all of our worries go away right then, make everything alright for all of us again.
He had decided to go see Ginny that night, hoping desperately that today might be the day that she woke up. I had decided to go with him, both worried that she wouldn’t wake up and hoping she would. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I went to see Ginny I could get my mind off of my little girl for a while.
But sitting in the hospital room with Harry, watching him hold Ginny’s hand and seeing her pale, pale skin didn’t make me feel any better. If anything it made me feel worse to know one of my closest friends was laying there in a coma and no one knew if she’d wake up and if she was ever going to wake up the question was how soon would that happen? Would Harry have to wait and wonder and suffer as long as I was with my daughter? Or would fate decide to wake her up sooner and save him from all of the suffering? And what made me even more upset was knowing that when she awoke they’d have to tell her about how she had lost the baby. I don’t know how she’d be able to handle that.
While I currently had no idea where my daughter I knew without a doubt that she was alive. The pain of losing a child was something I couldn’t even begin to imagine. How do you keep breathing once your child dies? They are such a part of you, so close to you that I can’t even imagine what it would be like for you to suddenly have your child be gone.
If anything horrible should happen to Danica I don’t know if I would be able to handle it. I think I would start to wither away and die, unable to handle the grief of my daughter suddenly being gone. I’m pretty sure it would feel like a part of myself had died along with her and how can you breathe when a part of you is dead?
Watching Harry I could only hope that Ginny as stronger than I was. That when she woke up- because I was determined now to say she was in fact going to wake up- she would grieve over the loss of her unborn child but be able to live on despite of the pain. I hoped that she would be able to go on with her life in spite of all that had happened and be able to be there for her family.
But I don’t think I’d have the strength to do what I hoped she would.
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