A/N: Hey everyone I am soooooooooo sorry for the long wait for this chapter. Once again life caught up with me; life meaning i had a little trouble adapting to living on a college campus and got a little caught up in some drama. Also i kinda loss the right inspiration i needed to write. But i'm back now with the right inspiration and no drama, so here's chapter 14 for all of you to enjoy! Luv ya and Happy New Year!
P.S. the lyrics in this chapter are from My All by Mariah Carey and this chapter's somewhat of a tear-jerker so plz have the kleenex ready thnx!
Chapter 14: My All
This sucks! I finally have the time alone that I so desperately wanted, and it sucks. I sit around restlessly day after day waiting for someone, anyone to pop out of nowhere and tell me to do something. Like a zombie I float out of the common room every day for meals only to return an hour or so later to my restless spot next to the windows I’d slept by after the Halloween Ball. While I’d taken the time to get inside my head and figure things out, that didn’t help to chase away any of my boredom that’s instilled in my veins. I’d figured out why the nightmares, forced on me by my mother, suddenly frequented my room every night, even if I hadn’t figured out what each dream meant. I’d finished every ounce of work I had for my professors within the first two days of break. I even took the time to write down every thought, good and bad that came to mind when I thought of hi—Harry, but unfortunately I no longer had someone to tell it to. However let’s not focus on that right now because I still don't know what I want when it comes to him. You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m soooo FUCKIN BORED my head would probably explode right now.
“I need something to do.” I groaned from my dismal spot as the window. It was late in the evening as I laid there staring at the snow falling outside, before rolling over to face the dying embers in the hearth. I’d rarely taken my eyes off the window and the beauty of the grounds—the only interesting thing around me—for the past few days, and found the sight of the empty room eerie to my eyes. A mental image of the usually packed room came to mind, and image so vivid that I swear I could almost hear the sound of footsteps and cloaks as the dragged over the carpet. But it was nothing more than wishful thinking, the room was still empty, void of any sign of life but my own, and I’m not even sure that counts. AS I stared at the vast space before me I began to realize just how large the room really was. In fact, it was just a smidge smaller than the dance studio I’d practically lived in for the past two weeks in the room of requirement. That gave me an idea.
I slowly lifted my upper body off the seat as I scrutinized every aspect of the room to the see if this idea of mine would work. I quickly stood to my feet while I unshielded my wand. As I raced to the stairs, I pushed all the furniture out of the way with a simple flick of my wrist. When I reached my room I practically slid to my bed and quickly pulled a large box hidden under my bed. A box, which contained everything I’d ever own that had to do with dance, including my oldest and most favoritest pair of ballet slippers. I slipped them on without a second of hesitation, as I reached for my music and loud speakers that sat on my bed. Before leaving the room I stopped at my dresser to grab and put on my handy and much needed sports bra quickly before slipping back downstairs.
The second time around the sight of emptiness and the lack of noise that accompanied it wasn’t as eerie. The room looked as though it had been prepared for another celebratory party for the quidditch team, but the dance floor was open for only one dancer, me. I placed my music on the window seat that had become my home for the past few days. I’d acquired a large amount of music over the years, not just from dancing but also from the large space in my mind and heart it took up. In fact because both dance and music were my life almost every song I knew had its own specific dance that went with it perfectly and now I finally had the time to review them all. YAY I’m not bored.
Two days later, and I was still dancing my ass off every chance I got. I’d leave the common room for about an hour or two only to return later and pick right back where I left off. I got lost in the music and movements, almost forgetting where I was and who I am. I was lost of all thought and feeling, my mind was completely blank of everything except what mattered right then and there. I felt free. I felt none the anger I’d harbored for no true reason, I wasn’t trapped in the cold abyss of confusing emotions, I felt nothing. Yet, at night when I finally came down from cloud nine and grasped a small bit of reality, my mind felt completely clear of all the hazy confusion and lack of direction that I’d come to know over the past few weeks. I felt great! Still for some odd reason I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched, like someone was hiding in the shadows and concentrating hard on every move I made. To add to the weirdness, the soft sounds of footsteps and a cloak as they glided against the carpet grazed my ears every so often.. Was I going crazy? If I was that didn’t matter at the moment, nothing did, except for my dancing.
That’s when it happened, the upbeat rhythms of the previous song faded away and the slow melodic sounds of the one song I’d been dreading yet waiting for floated form the speakers and to my ears. I immediately paused; falling from the clouds I’d been floating on for two days and hitting the ground that was reality hard. The song was one of my old favorites, My All by Mariah Carey, and it made me face the one emotion I had tried my hardest to avoid over the past few weeks. With a short wave of my hand the music quickly rewound itself and stopped, casting an eerie silence over the room. My cool, practically floating on air, demeanor quickly evaporated from my being leaving me to only feel the sadness and regret I’d neglected for too long. Without even hearing them yet, the words of the song began to echo in my head, forcing me to realize exactly how stupid I was being and that I actually did miss him more than I would ever allow myself to admit. I quickly gathered my thoughts and tried to return to my calm state of mind before flicking my wrist once more and allowing the song to start over and once again echo throughout the empty room.
"I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight. If it's wrong to love you , then my heart just wont let me be right..."
The nonchalant point of view I’d been harboring for the last few days had quickly melted away the second the words floated from my speakers, ricocheted off the walls, and hit my ears. My moves no longer held the same flow; they looked rough and chopped up like I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. It no longer seemed as though I were floating on air, more like I was drowning in the sea, struggling to reach up to the surface for help. I fought at first just to regain my cool composure, but soon it changed to a battle to hold in the sadness I’d refused to fully feel for the last two weeks. Not pain because of what happened that night, but grief because I hadn’t been quick to rectify the situation and instead wasted two weeks of being alone and angry. Damn I missed him…a lot. What have I done?
"I'd give my all, to have just one more night with you. I'd risk my life, to feel your body next to mine..."
I could almost feel him near me, watching me as i danced. Well as I tried to dance, iIlooked more like a fish out of water rather than an daner sho was at one with the music and its flow. however, although I could feel him, almost see him, I couldn't, I wouldn't allow myslef to get close to him again. I didn't kno if i could allow my heart to ever forgive him. Instead, i tried to focus on my dancing, only concentrating on once again falling into the peaceful state of mind that I crave to regain.
"Baby can you feel me, imagining i'm looking in your eyes, i can see you clearly, vividly emblazoned in my mind..."
Every bit of tension had returned all because of him. I n longer felt as light as a feather floating freely from place to place. I hated this, I felt trapped again in my own head and it’s all because of him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, because I love him too fucking much! My mind lingered on every sweet and romantic gestured he’d ever made when we were together. Every soft caress he laid on my cheek, every kiss he pressed upon my lips, every sweet word he whispered in my ear, and especially every “I love you” he told me that put a smile on my face. Damn him! He is too damn important in my life.
"...I'd risk my life to feel, your body next to mine, 'cause I can't go on living in the memory of our song..."
Finally, my favorite part, the one moment where the words could no longer take control of my entire being, because the song had moved into a long stretch of add-libs combined with music’s harmonious sound. Once again I’d become the beautiful swan as it floated across the water. I only concentrated on my movements and then it happened. I stepped out to the right gently, before dramatically pulling my left knee up and across my body as I turned to place it back on the ground. The second my toe hit the floor me other leg was lifted from the ground, kicking straight up to create a small arc above my head with my foot, but as it came back down and I moved turn around, my balance was somehow thrown off and halfway through the spin I found myself on the floor with my face shoved into the carpet.
"I'd give my all for your love tonight."
I laid there motionless for a moment as the song continued, allowing the words slowly fill my head until they were practically imprinted on the inside of my skull. The words floated in my head for only a second before they began to glide through my vocal chords and pass by my lips as I began to sing. I felt tears sting my eyes and slide down my cheeks as the truth of the lyrics started to fully hit me. I missed him, no matter how much I didn’t want to admit it, I miss him a lot and I no matter how angry I was right now that wouldn’t change any time soon. The song soon found its end and before the next one could start up I once again waved my hand and allowed silence to ensue the room. I laid there silently letting my tears flow from the corners of my eyes before travelling backwards and blending with my dark raven hair. I let no sob escape my lips, nor did I move to brush away a single tear, I just laid there silently letting all my pain pour out through my eyes.
“That was beautiful.” A ghostly familiar voice called from the shadows. I immediately sat up and dried my tears as I found the source of the voice. I didn’t have to look far; the second I popped up I saw him step out of the dark corner with his trusty cloak in hand.
“Yeah right,” I groaned as I resumed my original position on the floor, “That was pathetic!”
“No, it was lovely.” He countered sincerely.
I rolled my eyes with a deep sighs before turning to look in his general direction, “What are you doing here?” I said as nicely as I could although a thin layer of anger, mixed with shock at seeing him there, and the overload of emotions I’d just experienced simmered beneath the surface of my control, waiting to boil over.
“Watching you dance.” He said simply. He’d moved from his hiding place in the dark and was now leaning against the couch, which I was laying near. As I put on my robe and wizard hat I watched him approach, I slowly raised myself to my feet, while still contemplating what my next move would be.
“Stop the jokes Potter, what are you doing here?” I spat, still trying to keep some since of control.
He seemed to look me over for a second as though he were choosing his words carefully, “I didn’t want you to be alone.” He answered honestly.
“I’ve been alone plenty of times in my life,” I laughed bitterly as a new thought occurred in my head, “but then again that is the life of a slut right?” He immediately looked away as guilt clouded his green eyes.
“Chris can we…” the rest of his sentence fell on deaf ears because I had no intentions of hearing what he wanted to suggest we do.
“Excuse me, I’m going to bed.” I interjected as I began to walk around him towards the girls stairs.
As I passed by him, careful not to look him in the eye, he quickly reach out to me and too my hand, stopping me in my tracks. “Why don’t you want to talk to me?” He asked, as I ripped my hand out of his grasp. It felt so strange having my hand in his and feeling the same spark.
“Why are you pushing me to talk to you?” I countered, trying to hide what I’d just felt.
“Because Chris, we need to work this out.” He argued.
“Well sorry if I don’t feel comfortable to even be in a room with you let alone trying to ‘work this out’.” I said sarcastically as I tried to leave once more only for him to block my exit.
“Look, I know I hurt you really bad—” once again I didn’t let him finish.
“No you don’t know, you can’t possibly understand how much you hurt me.” I cut in again as the small amount of composure I tried to keep with me dissipated and a flood of emotions finally poured out. In fact, tears were once again stinging my eyes trying dreadfully to decorate my cheeks once more.
“Then talk to me. Chris I swear, I never wanted to do this to you; you mean so much to me and I know I went way overboard that night.” He apologized desperately.
I scoffed, “Harry, I could care less about you getting angry ‘cause you had every right to be angry. And I don’t care about you acting like a jealous git either, but the fact that all that was directed toward me, the fact that you refused to even hear what I had to say that night, and the fact that on top of everything, you believed all the dumb rumors about me and had the audacity to throw them in my face is the reason I’m pissed. But no matter what you say I cannot just forgive and forget like it didn’t matter to me at all because you treated me like every other fuckin person in my life that I love but doesn’t give a shit about me. You ignored the fact that you know me better than anyone and broke all the trust I had in this relationship. THERE, how’s that for TALKING?” I fumed, yelling out everything and anything that came to mind about how I felt. I shouted until finally the tears began to pool over my eyes and flood my cheeks, but I couldn’t move to wipe them away. We both just stood there completely still, except for my heaving chest; we both just couldn’t move, him from shock and me from my emotional explosion. Soon the silence became unbearable and suffocating, one of us had to break it soon.
“Chris…”he whispered as he took another ginger step toward me, his hands reaching out to touch me, but I couldn’t let him.
“No!” I screeched as I turned away, hiding my tear stained face with my hands for a moment before allowing then to slide down to my shoulders to help control their uncontrollable shaking due to my sobs. “Don’t touch me.” I whispered pleadingly. I could feel him standing behind me, debating about what his next move should be. I knew he didn’t want to move, but he didn’t know how to reach me anymore. Like me he was at a loss for what to do, try to be with the one he loved or let them go in hopes that they will come around eventually. However, my choices were different, either try to forget my pain and be with the love of my life, or allow myself to slowly fall back into the same role I once played as the shy girl who did nothing but let the many pains in her life control every move she made. Well I guess if I’m still calling him the love of my life, there can really only be one choice. And for the first time in the last two weeks we were once again thinking on one accord.
“Chris?” He called once more as he took one last step towards me and slowly force my body into his arms. My sobs were uncontrollable now and I soon found myself falling to my knees with his arms still around me as he fell beside me all the while keeping me in his embrace. I quickly began to feel myself once again melting into him as he began to softly whisper his apologies over and over again in my ear. Finally, after my sobs diminished a bit, he took my chin in his hand and forced me to look him in the eye as he spoke, “Baby, I love you so much, and I never wanted to hurt you like this, I am so sorry for making you feel this way for the last few weeks and for letting you doubt my love for you or our relationship because you mean so much to me and—” with only the last few drops of tears sprinkling my cheeks I slowly brought my finger to his lips and forced him to stop. He didn’t need to say anymore.
“Thank you,” I whispered hoarsely. He looked confused, “thank you so much for really loving me. I’ve loved so many people in my life who have done nothing but take it for granted and treat me like shit, but you were the first person to love me back and help pull me out of the dark corner I used to hide in, you let me know that I am not that girl anymore, that I actually mean something to somebody. That’s why when you said what you said, I couldn’t help but feel like I was just setting myself up for another heart break and I just didn’t know if I could go through that again.” By now I was looking back at the ground letting the tear fall hard and fast to the ground before he pulled me even tighter into his chest and allowed my tears to soak his shirt.
“No, I would never want to do that to you because you mean everything to me Chris. I never want to put you through that kind of pain ever again. I’d lay down my life for you.” He said sincerely. At the sound of his powerful words I looked back up and stared, though my blurry, tear-filled vision, into his deep emerald eyes. At that moment, I decided to include him in on one of my deepest darkest secrets.
I took a deep breath to steady myself, “I want to show you something.” I sighed as I began to pull my arm through the armhole in the black sports bra I’d been wearing all day.
“Chris what are y—?” he began, grabbing my arm forcing me to stop all movement. I snapped my eyes back to his, silently pleading with him to relax and letting him know that nothing was going to happen. He hesitantly let me go. As I finished pulling my arm through I slowly turned around so that my back was facing him, exposing the flower tattoo I got only a short while ago.
“You see my tattoo?” I asked carefully as I looked over my shoulder to see his response. He nodded. “Well, if you look close enough, especially in the pedals, you’ll see a lot of the tiny scars and bruises that my mom gave me.” He looked confused for a moment before finally leaning in to get a better look at my back and soon enough a look of comprehension dawned on his face
“She beats you?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes,” I answered simply, “in fact, if you look at the vine you can see the worst one, it just looks like it gets a little darker but that’s actually where a piece of glass cut me after she pushed me down the stairs one time for something dumb and I ran into the mirror at the bottom of the stairs. Actually that was the one time she acted like she regretted it and even took me to the hospital when it happened.” He looked completely stunned.
“Why did you decide to cover them up?” he asked after another moment of silence filled with only the soft sounds of our breathing as he tried to digest more of the story.
I thought for a second, contemplating the question and my answer before finally speaking, “I remember I wanted the tattoo just because I was going through a lot of changes at the time and they were something that just held me back more than anything so I covered them with the tattoo. It was really funny when I went though because the guy who did it was like, ‘with all the cuts and scars it was really gonna hurt’ and I just looked at him for a second and was like obviously I can deal with pain.” I smiled at the memory for a second before continuing, “But yeah, anyway I’m not that girl anymore.” As the last words left my lips I turned my back to him for a moment to cover my secret once more before giving him my attention once more.
For the first time in weeks, he smiled at me lovingly and I immediately melted at the feeling it gave me, I felt as though I was falling in love with him again. “You deserve so much better than that.” He said sincerely as he cupped my cheek in his and looked lovingly into my eyes. I blushed for a second, before looking away again. He quickly moved his hand to my chin and forced my gaze back to his, “I want to give you better.” I smiled when he said this.
“Do you love me?” I asked.
“Of course I do.” He answered eagerly.
“Then you’ve already given me better.” I could feel happy tears stinging my eyes now but didn’t stop to even think about them as I leaned towards him and brought our lips together in a passionate kiss. Once again he was eager to respond. We sat there on the floor for a moment stuck in our embrace before hearing the portrait whole open. I pulled away for a moment to look over his shoulder at the questionably at the intruder. I was shocked, “Hermione?”