Chapter 1 : Bent
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Disclaimer: To my deepest regret, I did not come up with the idea of Harry and the Magical World in which he lives. No, the credit for that goes to someone by the name of J. K. Rowling. Perhaps you’ve heard of her...? ;) Also, the lyrics which are contained in this song, and are also what this story was based off of, come from the song ‘Bent’ by Matchbox Twenty. So give all of these people credit, not me…unless, of course, you really want to. ^_^
Written by Sailor C
Inspired by the ‘Harry Potter’ series by J. K. Rowling and the song ‘Bent’ by matchbox TWENTY
If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk
Harry Potter was running, running as though he never had in his life. He had no idea where he was going, only that he was trying to escape. Escape from the pain. Escape from the hurt. Escape from the sadness. Escape from his life. He didn’t know how long he’d been running. He only knew that once he had started, he couldn’t stop. The voices kept calling after him, telling him to stop, to wait, but he couldn’t.
He wasn’t sure why he was still going, as it was really getting him nowhere, both mentally, physically, and even geographically. But somehow, he thought that maybe, if he kept going, everything would leave, and he could be free again. He could be all right again. He could have a life again.
Suddenly, he fell to the ground, reminding him of the exact feeling he had felt when Sirius died. He longed for Sirius to pick him up, to hold him, even just one more time, just so Harry could feel his love once more. He wanted Sirius to carry him away, take his tired body in his arms and just take him away from this mess he called life. Sirius was his life, his very breath. He kept Harry going. Without him, Harry felt empty and alone. He couldn’t go on. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t be.
If I need some other love
Give me more than I can stand
And when my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I’ll smile again
Harry was sitting there, kneeling on the ground, his breathing rapid and coming out in short gasps. He put his hands to his head, and cupped his face in them. He had stopped. He had stopped. All thoughts of going had now been erased from his mind. It wasn’t until now how that he realized how tired he was. Running and grieving were not a good combination. They sucked all of the life and energy out of you, creating a tiring effect not only on your mind, but also on your heart; your soul.
He could finally hear the voices catching up to him now, and could hear the faint footsteps that were echoing behind him growing louder.
Within seconds, Hermione was on the ground next to him, panting and breathing almost as heavily as Harry. Although Harry was looking at the ground underneath him, he could feel her gaze on him, and knew that she was studying him intently.
“Harry, what are you doing?” she asked him, still panting. Harry ignored her question and just kept looking at the ground. A feeling of nausea overpowered him, and the sweat on his forehead turned cold.
He suddenly turned his head away from her, and wretched violently on the pavement, before collapsing onto his side, his scar burning intensely.
“Oh my- Harry!” Hermione screamed, putting her arms around him, just as another set of footsteps came cantering towards them.
“Hermione, what’s wrong with him?” Ron’s voice asked, worry leaking through his short gasps.
“Quick!” Hermione screamed at him. “Go get Lupin, or Dumbledore, or someone – just go get help!”
Ron must have left to do just that, as Harry heard him turn around and heard his footsteps sprinting back towards the direction that they had come from.
“Oh, Harry,” Hermione whimpered, turning back to Harry, who wretched once again on to the sidewalk.
Hermione grasped his shaking body, holding him close, giving him her warmth. Harry could feel her chest start to shake slightly as a few tears escaped her eyes. He could feel a few of her soft tears spill over her cheeks and land on his neck.
He needed her love, Ron’s love, anyone’s love. He needed to feel love from another person, and he wanted the feeling of this love to overpower him, to be more than he could stand. He needed to feel this, because he was afraid that if he didn’t, his delicate self would crack and shatter into a million pieces.
He thought back to when he was with Sirius; those days were so happy. Harry could remember every good day that he had spent with Sirius, every thought, every word, every feeling, every smile that they had shared. However, all of those memories seemed faded now. They all seemed to only exist as small memories locked in the back of Harry’s mind for all eternity, only there to constantly remind him of the grief and guilt he felt for Sirius.
Shouldn’t be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again
Harry was still longing for the caress that Sirius would give him; for the warmth of his touch on Harry’s arm; for the good feelings and thoughts that Harry always got when he was around him. But above all, he wanted to be held in Sirius’ arms. He wanted to just relax in to his embrace and never leave the safety of his godfather’s arms. Never. Never. Never.
Can you help me I’m bent
I’m so scared that I’ll never
Get put back together
You’re breaking me in
And this is how we well end
With you and me bent
Harry was still shaking in Hermione’s arms as she desperately tried to calm both herself and Harry down. She was whispering things like, “Hold on, Harry,” and “Don’t give up yet,” to him. Harry knew that Hermione was doing her best, but he wanted something from her. He wanted her help; he wanted her to somehow make it all okay.
He was bent deep inside of himself, scared of himself. Scared of his hopes and dreams, which had all seemed to vanish the night that Sirius had been taken from him. He had tried, tried so hard, to put all of the pieces back together, but some of them were lost forever, and the puzzle of his life was missing far too many pieces to ever fully create the beautiful picture of his life again.
He felt like his whole world was crashing in on him. He wanted to run again, to get away, to stop the breaking. But he couldn’t. He was too weak, too fragile, too unstable. He thought his life might just end this way. At least he would be with Sirius.
However, he heard Hermione’s voice above him, sounding so distant, still pleading with all her heart for him to hold on. So he did.
If I couldn’t sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot
Harry again thought back in his mind, though his time not as far. This time, he went back to just after Sirius had died. He hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since then. In fact, for the five days after Sirius’ death, Harry hadn’t slept at all. He just lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling above him.
When he finally managed to start sleeping, he would only get in a maximum of about four hours, as his dreams were always flooded with pictures of Sirius soaring through the veil again and again.
His eyes had almost permanent bags under them now, and everyone knew that he wasn’t sleeping well. They all sympathized him, but Lupin was really the only one who could sympathize his needs. No one else really seemed to understand the full impact that this had had on him; not until now, anyway.
Everyone thought that he needed so much sympathy, so much “understanding”, but none of them gave it to him. Oh sure, they tried, but somehow they had always avoided giving him the exact type of comfort that he needed, always straying helplessly away from the real thing.
I started out clean but I’m jaded
Just phoning it in
Just Breaking the skin
Harry’s life had never been what one would call ‘good’, but after he started Hogwarts, he thought that he had found his safe haven, his Shepherd, his home base. But that all turned to ash, as quickly as a phoenix does when it dies. Now he suffered so much, he didn’t think he would ever be able to go back to Hogwarts again. He seemed to just be berating himself constantly, bringing out the unpleasant memories from his soul like the blood pouring out of a fresh cut.
Start bending me
It’s never enough
I feel all your pieces
Start bending me
Keep bending me until I’m completely broken in
Suddenly, Harry heard more footsteps approaching him again. There seemed to be quite a few pairs of feet running towards him, and sure enough, when he looked up, he saw that not only was Ron standing over him again, but so were Dumbledore and Lupin. They both looked completely shocked at the sight of Harry.
“Hermione, what happened to him?” Lupin asked, worry weaved into every word.
Hermione tried to answer, sobs still wracking her throat as she held Harry in her arms. “I don’t know, sir,” she told him. “We were talking and somehow Sirius was brought up, and he got really angry and started running away as fast as he could. Then he collapsed here and I caught up with him, only to find him like this.”
Another sob emerged from Hermione’s throat as she finished, and more tears must have leaked through her eyes and down her cheeks, for Harry felt his neck get hit with a few more tiny droplets of water.
Lupin and Dumbledore both leaned down, and Dumbledore took Harry from Hermione’s arms and placed him in his own. Then he looked into Harry’s eyes, which were slightly misted over, from both the tears in them and from the state of health that he was in.
“Harry, I’m going to need to take you to St. Mungo’s now,” Dumbledore said softly to him. “I don’t want to scare you, but you’re in very bad shape. You need medical attention immediately.”
Harry only rolled his head to the side and vomited again, tasting blood in his mouth as he did so. Lupin seemed to realize exactly how bad of shape Harry was in just then, for he quickly spoke up.
“Albus, let me take him,” he said, the worry still stationed in his voice. “I can run faster while carrying him, and can make it back to Headquarters quicker. From there I can conjure a Portkey and transport the two of us to St. Mungo’s.”
Dumbledore seemed to consider this. “Very well,” he finally said, and Lupin stood up and took Harry in his arms. “But you must be quick! I don’t know if he can hold on too much longer, Remus.”
Lupin just nodded, and started off at break-neck speed for Number 12 Grimmauld Place, Harry bouncing lightly in his arms, wincing and groaning with every step Lupin took.
Lupin looked down at him. “Just hang in there, Harry. We’re going to help you.”
Harry felt as though he was going to explode. His body felt limp and weak, and he was freezing, although sweat was still running freely down his face. His heart was broken even worse than before, threatening to shatter soon, pieces of his life dangling from it. It was continuing to become bent and twisted, and the result of all of this emotional pain made Harry’s scar feel as though it were on fire.
His breathing seemed to be getting lighter and lighter, and slower and slower. He was sure that he was going to die, was going to just fall asleep right there in Lupin’s arms, and would never wake up again.
But, once again, he heard Lupin calling out to him, telling him to just hold on, so he did.
Shouldn’t be so complicated
Just touch me and then
Just touch me again
They had reached the front door of Grimmauld Place, and Lupin had thrust open the door, still sprinting inside. Harry could hear voices all around himself and Lupin now.
“Remus, what happened to him?”
“Is he dead?”
However, Lupin didn’t respond to any of these. He just yelled out, “I need a Portkey to St. Mungo’s – NOW!”
From somewhere to Harry’s right, he could hear a hurried voice say, “Portus,” and suddenly Harry felt a jerk behind his navel, lurching him forward in to a spinning mist of color, once again making him feel incredibly nauseous.
They landed on solid ground again, and he could feel Lupin once again running.
“Quick, he needs medical treatment!” he heard him shout.
A worried voice came over, asking what was wrong.
“I don’t know, but do something for him!” Lupin shouted, before looking down at Harry again. “Harry, just hang on a little longer. You’re going to be all right now.”
Suddenly, Lupin’s image became blurred, and all became dark.
Harry was surrounded in a bright, yellowish-white light, and he could hear a gentle melody floating softly through the air. And then he saw him.
Sirius was running, or rather, gliding gracefully towards him. Upon noticing him, Harry started running towards him, finally reaching him and embracing his godfather. He wrapped his arms tightly around Sirius, willing to never let him go, and Sirius seemed to be doing the same.
“Sirius,” Harry whispered in his ear, tears choking his voice.
Sirius tightened his embrace around Harry in reply.
“Sirius, I’ve missed you so much,” Harry told him, the tears running freely down his face now. “Life has been so complicated and alone without you.”
Sirius pulled back a little from the hug and looked into Harry’s eyes. “I know Harry, I know,” he said, as Harry’s heart lightened more at finally hearing his godfather’s voice again.
But even though he was happy to be in his godfather’s arms, he couldn’t help but ask, “Do you?”
Sirius looked at him with a puzzled expression. “Do I what?” he asked.
“Do you really know?” Harry asked him, more sobs escaping his mouth. “Do you really know what it’s like for me, going to bed every night and seeing those pictures over and over again in my head of you falling through the veil? Do you know what it’s like to wake up every single morning from one of those, and go on feeling depressed for the whole day? Do you know what it’s like to have you’re best friend, godfather, and – and – someone who’s like your real father, taken away from you? Do you, Sirius? Do you?”
Sirius had a hurt expression in his eyes. “No, Harry, I don’t,” he told him, his voice barely above a whisper. “But I do know what it’s like to lose a best friend; two at once, in fact.”
Harry looked into his eyes. He had been stupid. Of course Sirius could understand. He had lost James and Lily as much as Harry had, maybe even more so. He had lost two of his best, closet friends on the same night. Harry felt a small wave of grief wash over him.
“I’m sorry, Sirius,” he said, and he meant it. “I didn’t mean to rant on you like that. I’ve just been so depressed and alone without you. My whole world feels like it collapsed in on me, and I feel like there’s nothing that I can do.”
Sirius smiled down at him. “Oh, but there is something you can do,” he said.
“What?” Harry asked, confusion in his voice.
“You, Harry, can be strong,” he told him. “You can let this pain go and leave it behind you, and go on with your life. You can forget about all this and just think of happy things. Just live your life, Harry, and live it to it’s fullest.”
Harry’s eyes watered a little more as he looked up at his godfather. “Thank-you, Padfoot,” he said, smiling. “So I take it that it isn’t my time yet?”
Sirius laughed. “Nope, it’s not. Not for quite a while, Harry. Not for quite a while.”
“When will it be my time?” Harry asked him.
“We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, won’t we Harry?” Sirius asked him. “Just live your life to it’s fullest, and when the time comes, it comes.”
Harry hugged his godfather tightly, wanting to never let go. Sirius again hugged him back.
“Okay, Harry, it’s time for you to go,” Sirius said. Harry looked up into his face, his eyes full of protest, but nodded.
“Keep and eye on Remus for me, Harry,” he told him. “He really does love you, and he needs you now. You know, he’s hurting too.”
“I know,” Harry told him. “I promise I’ll be watching him.”
Sirius smiled. “There’s a good lad,” he said. “Well, I’ll be seeing you, Harry.”
“Yeah, I ‘spose,” Harry said sadly. “I love you Sirius.”
“I know,” Sirius said, his smile growing wider. “And I love you too.”
Suddenly, Harry’s eyes sprung open. He wasn’t wearing his glasses, but he knew that he wasn’t with Sirius anymore.
“Harry!” came a terrified voice that Harry recognized as Lupin’s. He handed him his glasses and placed them over his eyes.
“Professor,” Harry said, smiling.
“For the hundredth time, Harry, it’s Remus,” he said loudly, but Harry saw him smiling.
Harry looked up at him. “Sorry, Remus,” he said, accenting the ‘Remus’ part.
“I see that you’re feeling better,” Lupin said, his voice calmer, but his bright blue eyes still showing a little worry.
“Much,” Harry told him, still smiling.
“You gave me – us - all quite a scare, Harry,” Lupin told him suddenly, his face clouding over a little bit. “What happened?”
“I was just really depressed, and I had to get away,” Harry told him. “So I started running, and then the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, throwing up blood and what felt like the rest of my stomach.”
Lupin looked worried. “Harry, this is all because of Sirius, isn’t it?” he asked him, and Harry nodded slightly. Lupin sighed heavily. “Harry, maybe we should do something about this. Maybe get you help or something-”
“No,” Harry said loudly, to which Lupin stopped talking and looked him in the face.
“No,” he repeated, a little quieter this time. “I don’t want to end up in some psycho house or therapy sessions every week. Besides, I had a talk with Sirius, and I’m all right now.”
Lupin looked bewildered. “What do you mean, you had a talk with Sirius?” he asked, clearly confused and a bit shocked.
“I mean that I talked to Sirius,” Harry said simply, smiling again. “I saw him, and I hugged him, and I talked to him, and he talked some sense into me. I’m really all right now.”
Lupin wasn’t sure what to say, but upon seeing the look in Harry’s eyes, he knew that he was telling the truth.
“How was he?” Lupin breathed, his voice very soft.
“He’s fine,” Harry told him. “He told me to keep an eye on you.”
“Did he now?” asked Lupin, seemingly bemused. “Well, for a while here, I think it may be the other way around.”
The two laughed, and Harry suddenly realized something. There were two kinds of people in this world: the ones who grieved and locked themselves up inside of it, and the people who grieved but still lived their lives to the fullest. And Harry was determined to by the latter one.
Thanks to everyone who reads this. As always, major kudos to you!
Again, these characters don’t belong to me, but J. K. Rowling. Oh, and I should probably add Warner Bros., Scholastic, and Bloomsbury in here too, because if I don’t, and by the off chance one of them reads this, I’ll probably be getting sued. ^_^ Also, thanks again to matchbox TWENTY for the awesome lyrics to the song ‘Bent’. Obviously, I didn’t write these lyrics – they did. So major kudos to all of these people as well!
Keep watching for my other stories, and please review!
Much Luv and thanks,