Author's Note: Hey there. First off, this story is NOT to be taken seriously. In ANY way. It's a combination of practically every fanfiction cliche there is, many of them centering around Dramione or Harry/Draco. Now, just so you know, I'm a fan of all the ships included with the exception of H/D, which is the one included ship I find completely impossible. I think that quite a few of the cliches included can and HAVE been written quite well before. This is just an example of the worst side of cliches. All of them can work separately, but together...well, you'll see for yourself. If you want to review, that'd be lovely, but please don't waste your time by telling me how bad it is. It's SUPPOSED to be that way. And now, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this story. Nada, zip, zilch. Rowling is queen, and everything except the ridiculous plot or lack thereof belongs to her.
“Hermione.” Harry panted into my ear. He had me pinned against the door of our compartment on the Hogwart’s Express, and I was loving every minute of it. Before this last summer, there was no way I’d be pinned up against a door, getting my brains snogged out so wonderfully. But of course, during a period of about three months, my hair became magically curly (without the use of magic), my legs grew a foot longer (though I’m still the same height), my clothes all shrunk to doll-size (making it much easier to snog boys in train compartments), and my chest grew two cup sizes. Now my life is just about perfect.
Harry’s hand snuck under my shirt. The buttons had mysteriously come completely undone. “Harry.” I moaned. “We can’t. There are people right outside.” He continued to kiss me, and his hands moved lower.
“No there aren’t.” He murmured against my lips. “Come on, we’ve got another ten minutes before anyone will miss us.” I couldn’t think at all when he was touching me, so I nodded mindlessly.
Ten minutes later, we emerged from the compartment, completely flushed and dishevelled. Naturally, no one noticed this. And if they had, no one would care. After all, everyone knows that in seventh year, students are allowed to do anything they want and Dumbledore won’t stop them. In the letter I got as Head Girl, I was informed that I, along with the Head Boy, would be in charge of creating a timetable for the Room of Requirement. That way, all the couples who wanted to shag in there could do so and avoid getting in trouble, because we were going to distribute a copy to all the elder students as well as teachers. Oh, and the Head Boy was going to be in charge of the distribution of condoms. Wouldn’t want the students getting pregnant, after all. It’s just natural that we all become completely sex-obsessed the moment we turn seventeen.
Harry and I rejoined our friends in our compartment. We walked in together, and everyone looked up. Ginny Weasley, my best female friend--well, only, cousidering all the other girls at Hogwarts were jealous of my looks, brains, and killer fashion sense--smiled at the pair of us, as did her older brother, Ron, who happens to be best friends with me and Harry.
“Hey, mate.” Ron said, chucking a Cauldron Cake at Harry’s face. “What took you two so long?”
“Yeah.” Ginny pouted. “I missed you, Harry.”
Harry and I laughed as we sat down on opposite sides of the compartment. Ginny immediately climbed into Harry’s lap and started kissing him. He responded enthusiastically.
I was too busy doing the same to Ron to care much. After all, Ginny and Harry have been dating for months, just like I’ve been dating Ron. It’s only fair that Ginny gets some action, and Ron, too. It’s not their fault that Harry and I have been...friends with benefits...for going on two years now. I think we’ve shagged in every broom closet Hogwarts has to offer. But we’ve never been caught.
After about a half an hour of snogging Ron, we had to head to the Prefect’s compartment.
“’Mione, Ron.” Harry said pointedly. “Don’t you have some meeting to get to?”
“Merlin, Harry.” Ron winked. “Eager to get rid of us, are you?” Harry glanced at Ginny, then gave her his most seductive smile.
“Yes.” Ginny interrupted. We all laughed.
My life is so not perfect anymore. Ron and I were a bit late to the meeting because we got...distracted, so when we entered the compartment, everyone else was already there. Including my arch-enemy. Draco Malfoy. I’ll never understand why Dumbledore made him a Prefect, except maybe because he’s so hot.
“Granger.” he sneered at me. “Weasel. How nice of you to join us.”
I pointedly pinned my Head Girl badge to my chest. “Move over, ferret.” I said nastily. “I’m in charge of this meeting.” Malfoy sneered again, pointing to his own badge.
“What a coincidence, Mudblood.” he spat, flicking his gorgeous blonde hair out of that sexy face. “So am I.”
This year was going to be hell. Because everyone knew that the two Heads shared a secret dormitory the entire year. And how was I supposed to sneak Harry in after curfew, or Ron during breaks from class, if Malfoy was there to witness it??”
When the meeting was finally over, Malfoy stuck out a foot to trip me as I tried to leave the compartment. Ron glared angrily, but I shooed him off. I could take care of Malfoy on my own.
“What do you want, Malfoy?” I asked boredly. He grimaced at me.
“Just wanted to let you know that I’m the one with the real power here.” Malfoy snorted. “So don’t try and get in my way, Mudblood.”
“Or what?” I asked, my brown eyes glittering dangerously and sexily. Sometimes, I’m too gorgeous for my own good.
Malfoy moved in closer. I backed up into the wall, but tried to put on a brave face. He didn’t frighten me. Not really, anyways.
“Or else I’ll have to let the Weasel and his sister know what you and Potter have been up to when everyone’s backs are turned.”
I glared at him. “You wouldn’t dare.”
He smirked at me. “Wouldn’t I?” he asked silkily. I grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled his face towards mine.
“No, you wouldn’t.” I breathed against him. For a slimy git, he sure was good-looking. Almost as good-looking as me. “Because if you do, I’ll have to tell the entire school what you and Harry have been up to since last year.” Harry was admittedly one of the best shags I’d had, but I was just using him for his body. It wasn’t as if I cared who else he was shagging when he wasn’t with me or Ginny. Besides, everyone understood that just one person would never be enough for the Boy Who Lived. I think he’s shagged every girl in Hogwarts at least once. But Draco Malfoy was the only bloke, and if it ever got out, Harry could be in deep trouble.
Malfoy stiffened against me. “How’d you know about that?” he asked angrily. I shrugged.
“I read Harry’s secret diary.” I told him. “He describes in great detail nearly every...encounter...he’s had with you.”
“No one will believe it.” Malfoy tried to protest. I smiled sexily at him.
“Of course they will.” I ran my hands over his chest. “I took the liberty of making a copy the last time I found the stupid thing.”
Malfoy shoved me away. “Just stay away from me, Granger.” he said angrily as he stalked off to his own compartment.
After the Opening Feast, Malfoy and I were called into Dumbledore’s office for yet another meeting.
“Ah, Ms. Granger, Mr. Malfoy.” the Headmaster said happily as we filed into his office. Malfoy and I didn’t look at each other, but instead stared fully at Dumbledore. “You must be wondering a few things. Now, first off, you’ll need the location and password for your dormitory.” He handed us each a slip of paper. “The password is to be kept between the two of you, unless of course you would like to hand it out for amorous purposes.” Neither one of us blinked an eye. “Now then. As Head Boy and Girl, you will be required to work together on a Masked Ball, to be held in the Room of Requirement in two weeks’ time. Oh, and you should probably know right away that you’ll be sharing a bathroom for the rest of the year. The bathtub itself is quite spacious and should accommodate you for any activities you choose to perform while in it. Any questions?”
I cleared my throat. “Why must we put on this Ball, Professor?”
Dumbledore smiled at me. “Ah, to promote House unity, of course!” I turned to look at Malfoy. He looked just as suspicious as I felt. But this was the only thing we had in common, except that we were both hot and we were both shagging Harry James Potter. Well, that and we now lived together.
Two weeks later, Malfoy and I had finally finished preparations for this stupid Masked Ball. Invitations had gone out, and both Harry and Ron had told me what they would be wearing, in case we wanted to have a little ‘fun’ in some dark corner. Dumbledore had willingly provided the alcohol, and the remaining seventh year Prefects were handing out condoms at the door.
Malfoy and I went to the party separately, of course. I was wearing a beautiful ball gown that made me look even sexier than ever, my hair was perfect, and my mask managed to both compliment my extreme beauty and hide my identity.
I recognized both Harry and Ron quite easily. Ron and I danced for a while (Harry was with some Ravenclaw girl who was practically melting into his arms since Ginny wasn’t there), but soon got bored. I sent Ron to get us some punch, which was of course spiked with Firewhiskey, promising that if he behaved for the rest of the evening, I’d let him join me in that bathroom I shared with Malfoy.
I was planning on sitting the next dance out, but a masked stranger came up and claimed my hand.
“What’s a beautiful girl like you doing all alone?” he asked. I thought I recognized the voice, but the mask disguised everything but a pair of smouldering gray eyes.
I batted my lashes. “Waiting for you, of course.” I said coyly. He placed his hand on my waist and we began to dance around the room. Ron was nowhere in sight. So I felt no qualms when he asked me, after having seduced me thoroughly with just a look, to go explore one of those dark corners with him.
No one noticed us in our little corner. They were all too busy snogging themselves to notice me and another masked dancer having our way with each other. Finally, after about a half hour of intense passion, my unknown stranger pulled me away from where we were crouching.
“Let’s go finish this properly.” he said in a rough voice, and I followed blindly. Snogging the entire time, we made our way to the nearest broom closet, where he practically ripped my gown from me.
“You’re so built.” he whispered, and I began to undress him. We quickly pulled off all of each other’s clothes until the only things we were wearing were our masks.
“Take it off.” I whispered passionately. He immediately began to comply, and I closed my eyes in pleasure. When his own mask was gone, he tore mine off, and we stared at each other in shock.
I was getting ready to have my brains screwed out by Draco Malfoy. We hated each other madly, but the passion was just too much.
In the end, Draco and I stumbled back to our dormitory, long after the Ball had ended. “That was the most incredible experience of my life.” he told me as we bathed each other in our shared bathtub. I nodded back at him.
When we heard a male voice call out the password to the dormitory, Draco and I hurriedly used our separate staircases to get to our rooms. I heard Ron call out my name. “I’ll come to your room when he’s gone.” I whispered, and he nodded. We snogged passionately until sense finally returned and I let Ron in.
“Hey.” I gave him my most seductive smile. “What are you doing here?”
Ron laughed. “I came to have some fun.” he said as he pushed me into my room. There we shagged almost as passionately as Draco and I had. Ron ended up tiptoeing back to the Gryffindor Common Room after two or three hours.
As soon as he was gone, it seemed, Harry showed up. I wasn’t even tired after my experiences with Ron and Draco, so Harry and I quickly consummated our relationship for the umpteenth time. Then Harry headed up the stairs to Draco’s room, and they were at it for quite a while.
By the time class rolled around the next morning, Draco and I had told each other our life stories, shagged once, written love poetry together, and then shagged some more. Even though we hated each other, our physical relationship was too strong to ignore.
And that’s when life got even less perfect. Because I discovered after skiving off Potions class to shag Ron again in the Room of Requirement, that Ron and I just weren’t as good together as Draco and I. And even though Harry shared tremendous chemistry with both me and Draco, he was only a friend with benefits. No, I was in love with Draco Malfoy.
But I was still dating Ron and still screwing Harry. And I planned to continue doing so for a while. After all, how’s a girl to choose between three sexy boys?
Two months later, I discovered something interesting. I invited Ron, Harry, and Ginny to come spend the afternoon in the Head’s dorm with me and Draco. The sexual tension was enormous. Finally, after playing stupid Muggle games that Draco, having had a complete change of character since shagging me the first time, had fallen in love with, I made an announcement.
“Erm, everyone.” I cleared my throat. “So, we all know that I’ve been shagging all three of you boys, right?” There were nods all around. Ginny was such a good friend, she didn’t even care that I’d been shagging her boyfriend and her brother. “And that Draco and Harry have been shagging each other, as well.”
Ginny flushed a bit. “Well, Draco's shagged me a couple of times, too, but it didn’t really count.” That made perfect sense.
“Well...I’m pregnant.” Everyone clapped. “And I’m not sure which of you is the father, since I’ve been shagging all three of you every day since term started.”
Draco looked at me lovingly. “So what should we do?”
Ron looked thoughtful. “I’ll marry you, Hermione. Because of course you’ll keep your amazing figure and not gain an ounce during pregnancy.” This, too made sense, but Draco and Harry started arguing about whose name would be on the birth certificate. But then I had an idea.
“Oi!” I said, smiling sexily at each of them in turn. “I’m brilliant, right?”
Draco leaned over to kiss me. “Most brilliant witch I know.” he said sweetly.
“Right. So...you know how in America, there’s that one place where people are allowed to marry more than one person?”
Harry looked thoughtful. “Utah, right?”
“Right.” I confirmed. “I think we should all move to Utah and become polygamists. That way, we’ll all be married and I won’t have to keep cheating on each of you with each other.”
“But what about me?” Ginny asked tearfully. I patted her shoulder.
“Well, you and I could go to that other really big state. Since gay marriage is legal there, we could get married and then move to Utah and then I’ll marry the rest of you.”
We all agreed to the plan.
It was a perfect one, too, until we found out that gay marriage wouldn’t be legal in America for a while. We toyed with using a reverse Time Turner so that Ginny and I could go into the future and get married, but then we decided we’d just go to Canada instead.
And then we found out that polygamy was still technically illegal, so we had to go practically underground with our huge polygamist family.
And now, we’re living happily ever after with the polygamists, and we’ve named our baby boy Severus (after our favorite teacher, who I’ve always had a crush on) James (because I once went back in time and shagged Harry’s dad) Granger-Weasley-Malfoy-Weasley-Potter. We can’t wait until he gets to Hogwarts.
Because everyone knows that he’ll date his best friend, shag some other people of both genders and have lots of escapades at Hogwarts. Because that’s why kids go there. It’s not so they can learn magic: it’s so they can learn to procreate.
Harry, Draco, Ron, Ginny, and I have learned that lesson well.
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