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Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck by BusinessJournal
Chapter 1 : Prologue: Oy Gevalt!
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 16


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‘Oy Gevalt!’

That was the last thing I ever said to him as his girlfriend. Well, it was more of a voice-crack. In any case, Yiddish may be my specialty, but apparently dating is far from it.

I walked out up the stairs and into the Gryffindor girls’ seventh year dormitory. I flopped onto my bed hopelessly and screamed a few more wacky words into my pillow. James Potter the Second; now officially my ex-boyfriend. Word had gotten around that the stupid schmuck was fondling a certain Taryn “I’m So Easy It’s Almost a Crime” Maxell in a certain broom cupboard on his most bloody certain anniversary... with me. As I said before, Oy Gevalt! I always tend to choose the broad-shouldered, dark-haired, light-eyed, way-too-good-looking-for-his-own-good, overused dimples, and underused brains type of boy who has no common sense but always attracts the ladies. That is exactly what James Potter was.

We had been dating for six months, which is pretty bleeding good for me. No, I’m not saying I’m a tart who goes from one boy to the next. I have Commitment Phobia. I’ve never been able to last more than a fortnight with one boy, because I get bored and begin to freak out that it’s getting “too serious”. That’s my excuse for chucking most males; I tell them it’s getting too serious and that I’m much too young to be in an exclusive relationship.

That was exactly why I enjoyed my relationship with James as much as I did. He was never serious about anything he did, and he was never all schmaltzy like most relationships tend to be. Besides my phobia of commitment, I have a giant phobia of public displays of affection. Disgusting. And James respected that. Besides the odd peck, hug, or hand-holding, he would never touch me in front of people. Which is the way I liked it. Another phobia of mine is getting papercuts. Better known as Pulpuslacerataphobia. All right, maybe not better known as, but that’s the name for it. I’m digressing, as usual.

‘Devon, you all right? You seem... agitated?’ I heard a voice say from beyond the pillow. I looked up over my shoulder and saw Lauren Cross, my lovely best mate since first year. She was pretty much my saviour. Ickle Lauren stood at a five foot seven, was curvy, and was overly obsessed with sport. Alright, perhaps not so ickle.

I sat up on my bed and pouted impressively. ‘Agitation is the bare minimum, I’m afraid, my dear.’

Lauren walked over, sat on my bed beside me and frowned. ‘What did Jamesie do this time, if I may ask?’

I shrugged and shook my head. ‘Well, it’s not so much what he did, but what I did really. You see, I’ve seemingly ended our lovely relationship. He may or may not have snogged Taryn Maxell in a broom cupboard.’

Lauren raised an eyebrow and shifted her position. ‘Well, I’ll be buggered.’

I laughed and smacked her playfully on the shoulder. ‘Are you not surprised? Is that what you’re saying?’

Lauren sniggered and stood up. ‘I can’t say that I am, to be honest. I mean, look at him. Why would he want you?’ She laughed and walked over to the mirror.

‘Very funny, you schmuck. Sarcasm is not the answer to this situation, regretfully.’

She began measuring herself up in the mirror. ‘You’re right. It’s awful. And it was your six months with him today, was it not? Do you think I’ll make the team this year with my size?’

I snickered and started fiddling with my bedcover. ‘Absolutely, you’ll make the team. Best Chaser in the history of Gryffindor Quidditch, I daresay. And yes, it happened to be our six months today, but apparently it was the perfect day to realize he didn’t want me and chose to fondle Taryn Maxell. What a smarmy git.’

Lauren sighed and retired herself to my bed again, sitting and also fiddling with my bedcover. ‘Listen, Devster. James doesn’t deserve you. He’s a right sod, and everyone knows it. I’m not even sure how you lasted that long in the first place.’

I sighed a healthy sigh and nodded. ‘How did I not see this coming, again?’

Lauren shrugged and frowned again. There was a moment where the both of us just sat there and fiddled with my bedcover, awkwardly. Lauren knew when to keep her mouth shut, but I knew exactly what she was thinking. ‘You saw this coming, didn’t you? You hate him.’

Lauren sniggered her usual snigger. ‘I don’t hate him, Dev. I do think he’s a bit of a prat at times, but you two were a very handsome couple.’

I laughed out loud. ‘Handsome, you say? Well that makes everything alright, us being a handsome couple.’ She laughed, and then we sat awkwardly again, fidgeting. I had many a-thought twirling around in my pretty little head, but the one that decided to voice itself wasn’t the most pleasant. ‘Do you think he’ll miss me, LC? Do you think that he even cares?’ Yes, I happen to call her by her initials, because I thought they sounded better than “Lauren”.

Lauren looked over to me and smiled. ‘Of course. How could someone not miss you? I can’t believe he would even consider anyone else over you. You’re super fit.’

I laughed and stuck my tongue out at her playfully. ‘He’s got a lot of chutzpah, that one does.’

She burst out laughing and slapped her knee. ‘Alright, what does that one mean?’

I laughed with her and sat up straight. ‘It means he’s got a bloody right amount of nerve to do something like that!’

She giggled and stood again. ‘Props for the crazy Yiddish.’ Lauren walked over to her bed and put on her nightclothes, as did I. ‘You know, I have to say I’m glad you’re not a babbling mess, crying all over the place and acting the emotional wreck.’

I laughed and lay down on my bed. ‘It’s not my style! I bottle it all up until it explodes. You should know this by now.’

Lauren nodded and slipped under her covers. ‘Indeed, I do. Well, I suppose it’s time to get you a significant other that can manage to keep his hands to you and himself. What say you?’

I guffawed and crawled under my blanket as well, yawning. ‘What say I, you ask? I say, bloody hell no. I need a break from wankers like Jamesie boy.’

‘Not all males are wankers, Dev. Anyway, what about Scorpius Malfoy? My God, he’s got the body of a Greek God.’

I burst out laughing and momentarily buried my head in my pillow. ‘Try Greek Goddess! He has a tendency to overindulge in all things feminine.’

Lauren chuckled. ‘Fine. So what? What do you think about Dane Wilshire? He’s not too shabby and he’s smart to boot!’

I sat up and looked at her with my eyebrow raised. Cow. ‘Are you bloody joking me? You want me to date Dane Wilshire? He’s a pompous prat who’s head is so far up his arse he can’t breathe.’

‘True enough. Purebloods can get pratty, especially with Muggleborns like you.’

I lay back down and sighed. ‘Yes, us crazy Muggleborns. Why do you want me to date so badly anyway? Why can’t I just be a spinster for all eternity?’

‘Because spinsters always get left out and are rather pathetic.’

I laughed. ‘You sound like my Bubbe. “Spinsters never win!” she says. I laugh.’

It was Lauren’s turn to look up at me. ‘What about Parker Frank? Yum yum!’

I cocked an eyebrow. ‘Hmm... He is rather fetching. Though I doubt he’d want a cretin like me. He’s so smart that it’s actually sexy.’ I pictured Parker Frank in my mind. Oh, oh how I wish he would want a cretin like me. All the girls in his house fawned after him like those little birds in Cinderella. I’m actually quite shocked that they don’t actually call him “Cinderellie”. Maybe I’ll call him that tomorrow. Anyway, digressing again. Parker Frank was gorgeous; he had those shocking blue eyes and sandy hair. He was ridiculously smart, even for a Ravenclaw, and he had many connections that made him look impressive and, well, well-connected. Even when I was dating Sir James, I had a little soft spot in my heart for Parker. Perfect Parker. Cinderellie. Drool.

I was a mate with the guy. I doubted he would ever see me as anything more, and he wasn’t exactly my type. I’m rather a klutz, I’m not exactly the best looking female in our year, and again with the Commitment Phobia. He seemed so much like the serious relationship type I tended to stray away from. But I wouldn’t exactly mind snogging him senseless in a broom cupboard. Much like James and Taryn. But I would never act on it if I were in a relationship. Ugh, James. Why does everything have to fall back to him? I already missed him and we’d be broken up all of half an hour.

Just as Lauren was about to answer my statement, our roommates bombarded our room with their giggly gossip and high-pitched chatter. Oy vey.

‘Oh. My. God. Devon, are you all right? We just heard the news. Poor James is sulking in the common room and skulling some Firewhiskey,’ explained Shannon Kipt, Hogwarts’ own personal Gossip Girl.

‘Oh, poor ickle Jamesie-poo. It’s his own fault, it is!’ I reiterated, not exactly wanting to talk about it. Why do I have to love such a prat?

‘He’s really sorry. He loves you, you know. Do you want to talk about it?’ said Anne Longbottom. Her father was the great Neville Longbottom, known best for growing some bollocks and sticking up to Voldy himself. His daughter ended up being the ridiculous Gryffindor princess who has birds, squirrels and deer dressing her and fawning over her every whim. Alright, I exaggerate, but you get the picture.

‘No thanks. No need to talk about it. The world has seemingly gone to shambles over me chucking James Potter.’ My words had sarcasm just dripping off them and I lay on my bed, frowning. Lauren had managed to make me feel better, and now these goyims had to come and ruin it. Bloody girls. Most of my mates consisted of males, just so I didn’t have to talk about my feelings to Snow White and Princess Jasmine over there.

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee changed into their nightclothes and slipped under their covers. ‘Well, don’t say we didn’t warn you, Dev. James is a complete wreck.’

‘In the words of the great Lauren Cross: “Well, I’ll be buggered.”’ I heard Lauren titter, and then I shifted my position. ‘Goodnight, ladies. May tomorrow bring us more laughter than today brought us.’

I heard murmured ‘g’nights’ and ‘sleep tights’ and ‘don’t let the bed bugs bites’ before I drifted off into my own fantasy land, where James and I were still together, and life wasn’t entirely shambolic.

A/N: Hello, lovely readers! To start, this chapter was beta'd by the ever-lovely RubySky. We can call her the brains behind this operation ;). Anyway, thanks so much for reading, and I hope you like my story :D Please feel free to leave a review, constructive criticism and kudos are an author's best friend! Great chapter image by sammm at TDA :)

By the way, in case you were wondering... Oy Gevalt is a Yiddish expression meaning something along the lines of "oh, woe is me!" You say it when you're surprised, angry, or scared :)


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