(Ah, unlucky number thirteen. Short but very important. But before you read it make sure you already read 11 and 12 because I did update really fast this time and it might confuse a few people! Otherwise ENJOY!)
Chapter 13 ~ Sick
You can go on with your life without any interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed.
~ Edward Cullen, New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
~
By morning it had been widely circulated that I, Arabella Haze, had been ditched by Sirius Black. Not the other way around.
Which suited me fine.
The faster Sirus's reputation returned to normal, the faster he could forget all about me. Soon he'd be the old playboy that everyone knew him as. And when I left it would be a clean break. For him, at least.
Which, at the moment, was all I really cared about.
I didn't want dwell on the pain it would cause me. I knew it would be bad. Much worse than the constant wistful, agonizing ache I was feeling now. I knew I would suffer.
Alot.
Possibly the worst suffering I'd ever felt. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd survive it. It was hard enough now. When I could see him every day. Gaze upon his infinite beauty and his oblivious grace as much as I wanted.
I didn't want to imagine what it was going to be like when I became fat and even more moody. When I had loads of inescapable time on my hands. I wasn't exactly sure if it was going to be worse when I had to leave him behind completely or better. But I was pretty sure it would be worse.
So, to keep my mind off of this, I distracted myself with school. Soaking in everything, as much as I could, before I had to leave Hogwarts forever. I wouldn't be returning after the baby was born. I'd decided that about an hour after I'd broken things off with Sirius. Walked away, leaving him alone by the lake.
It would be too painful, too messy, too strange to come back.
I wanted to be forgotten. I wanted Alice, Mary and Lily to become a trio. I wanted Sirius to relapse into Playboydom. I wanted it to be as if I'd never been in their lives. As if I was just a bad dream.
I wanted this and I didn't.
A very selfish part of me wanted Sirius to be heartbroken. She wanted him to love me forever and never be able to move on to one of those horrendus slags always vying for his attentions. She prayed that he'd fight this. She prayed he'd beg me to come back to him. She hoped against all hopes that he would pine for me as long as it took. Love me always, as he said he would.
She wanted to stay. She wanted to remain Alice's quirky best friend. Lily's book buddy. Mary's anti-becoming-a- slag treatment. She wanted to braid Effie's long shiny hair in the common room every night and tease James about his Lily-repellant actions. Maybe even help them along a bit.
But she was a small part and the rest of me was able to over power her fairly easily. Leave her bound and gagged in a tiny chamber at the back of my mind. She'd resurface every now and then but I put her back in her place everytime.
Effie shot me meaningful looks excruciatingly often and my friends were all trying futily to decipher the motivation behind all the changes in me. I woke up early now. I'd broken things off with the love of my life. I was eating healthy. I'd thrown myself into school work. It all baffled them.
Poor James was stuck in the middle.
Torn and unsure whether to stand by his favorite cousin or his very best friend. Between his might-as-well-be sister and his in-every-way-but-stupid-DNA brother.
I urged him to be with Sirius as much as possible.
The last thing I needed was my incredibly smart cousin figuring out the mystery that everyone else could not solve. I already had Effie on my case, I couldn't handle James as well. The last thing I needed was Sirius's very best mate in the know about my secret. Cousin or no cousin.
***
On in a half weeks later, Sirius was dating Margie Fernlow, a fourth year Hufflepuff (Blonde. Surprise, surprise) who Effie and I couldn't stand. She already had quite a list of exes herself for a fourteen year old and it was clear that she was willing to give any guy worth looking at anything he wanted.
I was satisfied with his choice and disgusted. I was happy he'd move on so quickly and heartbroken. I was jealous of the slag and greatful to her. It was overwhelming to experience so many emotions at once.
Anger pulsed through me. Boiling, seering, spitting, white-hot anger. It ate me up inside like acid. I wanted to hit him. As hard as I could. I wanted to scream and cry and give him bruises all over. Maybe even a black eye or two. I want to hex him with every horrible curse I knew. Jinx every inch of his body so he'd end up writhing in pain up at the hospital wing for the duration of my pregnancy.
I wanted him to suffer for what he'd done to me. Made me believe he loved me, get me pregnant and then, not only not fight for me, but completely forget about me all together. Go on to the next slag as if I'd meant nothing. Had I made no effect on him at all? Was everything he told me a complete lie? Did he mean any of it? Was I that forgettable? Just another slag he'd had a fling with?
It was good I'd broken it off with him instead of telling him the truth, I'd concluded. He would've reacted exactly how I feared and it would've brought the suffering on so much sooner and so much stronger.
I figured it was a matter of time before he'd ditched me all things considered. I just beat him to the punch. Which was a fact I took a smug sort of comfort in. I'd beat him to it, even if no one but the two of us knew it.
I hoped that the fact that I was the one to break up with him would eat him up inside. Would have his pride wriggling uncomfortably for a long, long time. I prayed that the fact that a girl like me (brainy, brunette and completely ordinary) had ditched him would be an ego crusher. I was feeling a slightly vindictive sort of satisfaction at the thought of his vain internal battle.
I atributed this particular mood swing to the out-of-whack-hormones.
A week later Margie was gone and Tiara West was Sirius's new plaything and my morning sickness had kicked into high gear.
Let me just say right off, morning sickness -not fun.
It's repulsive. And damn inconvenient when you've got Divination at eight-thirty every morning. But I never really saw the point in that class anyway and I wouldn't be here to fail the O.W.L. exam so it was no big deal to me.
I woke up extra early every morning to get myself ready, creeping around the dorm so I wouldn't wake anyone. Then, as soon as I felt the nausea, I rushed into the same deserted, unpopular bathroom on the seventh floor, because you had to tickle the door on it's top right corner to get in. There I remained on my knees, heaving for what seemed like hours. Occasionally I would cry but I was careful to never be too loud.
My mother had given me several tips (from all the women in our family with children appearantly) in her last letter that were supposed to make it better, easier perhaps. But only one worked for me an it got tedious very fast.
So there I stayed, next to the toilet every single morning. That's how I began each day. Then I'd clean up, grab my books and scurry off to Potions or Transfiguration or whatever I had next by the time I was finished.
If I was already late for a class, I skipped it completely. I alternated my excuses. I'd lost my books, I'd over slept, I'd gotten lost, I'd ripped my skirt accidentally and had to check for the right spell to fix it with in the library because I'd forgotten it. My friends knew better, but they couldn't figure out what I was up to every morning so they never told.
Their utter clulessness surprised me exceedingly. These were some of the best and the brightest at Hogwarts but they could figure out I was pregnant? Even with all the clues and symptoms I was showing? None of them had understood yet?
Appearantly not.
After about another week of this I felt my clothes had gotten slightly tighter than before. My baby bump was starting to form.
Joy. I'm getting fat already. Was all I could think. I was in a very bitter mood lately. But I tried not to show it or my new found bump.
I enlarged my uniforms with a quick charm so I could still wear them for the classes I felt up to attending. And then I donned baggy clothes around that area for the rest of the time.
Lily was extremely disapproving of my constant absences and blatant disinterest in morning classes. And they all, I knew, wondered what I was doing. I certainly wasn't in bed sleeping, they knew that much. But they didn't ask and I didn't bother to offer them any excuses or explainations.
According to my sister, James thought that I was trying to plan a prank or something. Or maybe finally figuring out how to be an animagus. Alice, Mary, Lily and Remus didn't know what to think. Peter, of course, agreed with James. And Sirius was resolutely silent on the subject.
Effie began to meet me in the bathroom every morning. So she could lecture me, I suppose.
Yes, Effie Haze was lecturing me. Hell had definitely frozen over.
But she made herself useful by holding my hair back as the contents of my stomach made their way back up through my esophagas. It quickly became just apart of the morning routine as well.
It wasn't until mid-Feburary that I started to have difficulties.
***
(Dun-dun dun! LOL! Sorry it's so short but I already have the next chapter written as well so it'll come very soon! Maybe tomorrow if I find time- but no garentees!
Until then! REVIEW!
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