Dedicated to 100_percent_witch, the coolest author on this site and so crazily manic and hyperactive that I am reminded of myself. You rock Ana, my American counterpart and 13 year old self!
I was wrong, all those years ago. I was so terribly wrong. And now my best friend is dead and the world believes me to be a traitor. As I sit here now in my filthy cell I contemplate my past. I never thought the future would be like this. I never thought I would be the reason James is dead. I think of James and I smile sadly. I know he's dead you see, but he visits me sometimes. It's heartbreaking to know he's there, but I can't see him, not like I could. Not a ghost but not alive either. And he becomes the voice in my head, but instead of driving me crazy he is the thing that keeps me sane. He reminds me of the things I forget. The truth that I sometimes begin to doubt. And he tells me things that no one else can hear. Things that give me hope, that someday I will be free again.
He's here. My best friend. Oh, James, I'm so sorry! I'm so very very sorry! I led you to your doom! And I feel him look at me with those hazel eyes and I wish I could see them one last time. But I understand what he's saying to me in that look and I feel panic settle over me.
"James," I whisper, speaking for the first time since that day, four years ago and my voice has a rasp to it that wasn't there before.
"James, please speak to me! Let me hear your voice again! Let me see you! Please! I'm scared James! I'm scared that your not real and I'm going as mad as the rest of them! I'm scared that I really did kill you and Lily! I'm scared I believe what the world is saying about me! That I betrayed you both! Is Lily okay? Is she okay James? Please, please....." I break down in hysterical sobbing, tears falling uncontrollably.
".........please just tell me your alright."
I sense a change in the atmosphere, it suddenly becomes warmer somehow and I look up amazed as I see the shadow of a pair of those eyes I know so well and I remember something James once told me when I turned up on his doorstep after running away from home. I hear it again, in the same voice I heard so many times all those years ago. The voice of my best friend. The voice of James Potter.
"You can always count on me Sirius! Always! No matter what happens I'll alway be there, right by your side! I'm sticking to you like glue mister! We'll be like quidditch and Gryffindor winning! You never have one without the other! Only when you can't hear my voice in your head will I truly be gone! Only then will you truly be alone!"
And it's then that I understand how much James loved me. And grief knaws bitterly at my heart. But I know now. I know that as long as I have James watching over me I'll be okay. Never quite whole again admittedly, but I can still do what he can't. And I know now, that somewhere out there Pettigrew is still alive. And Harry needs me. Like I needed James. Like I still need him. Like I always will. And Remus too, he thinks he's the only one left. He thinks he's alone. But I remember the marauders and I remember what that meant. And somewhere I feel the need to live ignite within me. James death left many wrongs that need righting. My mistake needs to be canceled out. I owe the world the truth. Not for myself, but for James. For James and Lily, because they can't feel at peace until it does. For Harry because he has the right to know, for Remus because he needs his friends. For the people they're deaths have affected the most deeply. For the loved ones. For the marauders. And I'm not giving up anytime soon. I used to rely on James but now he's the one relying on me.
"And you can count on me too James." I whisper."You can count on me too."
I sense him smile and I feel a faint pressure on my hand in a gesture of trust. I have to get my strength back. I have to escape. And I will. Maybe not for days or months or years but my opportunity will come and I'll be ready when it does. Sooner or later the world will see me as innocent again and it won't just be the whispers of a dead man that remind me.
A/n: Be a sport and review.
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