Chapter 1 : XYZ
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From the very beginning somehow I knew that my life would not end until I was somehow completely wrapped up in you. All those years ago, when we first met, that searing hatred in your eyes only made me want to understand you better. Somehow it didn't push me away the way it should have. I wanted more than anything to be a part of your everyday world.
Years of pain and tears, blood shed and death could not change that. You captivated me more than anyone ever had before. My nights were filled with thoughts of you, my tongue begged to say your name. I could taste your bitterness in my throat every time you spoke to me, but I knew you felt the same. There was a light in your eyes, so secret, so faint, that it was one only I could see.
Do you not understand that you could never hide your true self from me? I could tell every lie from truth, could get inside your head like no one before. Couldn't you see that? Didn't you know that you were everything in my world, or did it take you years to figure it out?
I don't know when it all changed, but I wish I could remember. Do you remember when we decided to stop lying to ourselves? Stop lying to each other? Or has that faded from memory and time, a distant heartache neither of us wishes to remember, because all that came from that decision seems to be heartache.
Nothing seems to matter anymore now that there's you. All the propaganda, all the lies, the times when I tripped over my own feelings so I wouldn't let the words spill forth from my angry mouth. They mean nothing now. All that matters is the taste of your mouth and the touch of your hand.
When did I become so wrapped up in you that I couldn't see beyond your eyes? Beyond your face? Was is some kind of a spell you cast on me from the beginning that I just didn't see? Was this your plan all along, to make me so wrapped up in you that nothing else mattered?
It doesn't matter now. Everything was had is broken, and nothing is the same. I bite my tongue until I taste blood, but nothing, no words, no spells, can chase away the pain.
I always said to love someone was to set yourself up for heartache, so why did you have to go and prove me right? Why couldn't you have made me into a liar, instead of splitting me in two? Why did you have to leave me here bleeding, crying out for relief but finding none?
Your eyes were so cold, but your hands so warm. All those times when we were alone together all I wanted to do was keep your hands in mine. How were you always warm, even in the winter? How were you so preciously strong when I was so weak inside, no matter what I wanted people to believe?
"You will be the end of me." Do you remember when I told you that, all those nights ago. It was snowing, I can still feel it, see our breath coming out in small clouds, our words meaningless in the night, because we knew that this was it. There was no turning back after this: we were either in this together or against each other in the end, but how could I make that choice? Choose between this smothering, sinfully beautiful love and all I knew.
Your hands were touching my face, your lips were warm, and that was all I could think of. Your face, your voice, the sound of your laughter. The snow didn't matter, but do you remember it? It was so beautiful.
Betrayal is a funny word really. Did I betray you, or did you betray me? Or did we both betray each other and everything we knew, everyone we loved? Or was it all a lie? Maybe there was no betrayal. Maybe we were just foolish and too full of pride to try to make this work out.
I wanted to be perfect for you. I would hollow out my insides to set this love inside. I would sit it on a shelf of ribs, and marvel at it, because it was my everything. I wanted to be perfect, smooth and clear as spun glass. I wanted a world of sunshine and shadows, not darkness and sorrow like I had to begin with. I wanted something more, something different, something I never knew I could have until there was you.
"I love no one," you told me once. "Love is for the weak and fragile hearted. Love makes you a fool. When you love someone you leave yourself open to their influence. They can make you do whatever they want you do. Don't you see? If I loved someone I would be at their mercy."
"Or they could be used to get to you."
You eyes were so cold, so beautifully cold. "Yes, I suppose they could. But that doesn't matter. I love no one."
"That's a lonely existence. Don't you want to love someone, don't you want to be a little less alone?"
"Lonely is all I am, all I know." You kissed my neck. "It is me, all of me."
Your words were like needles to my heart. How could you not care for me like I cared for you? Couldn't you see how much I loved you? Couldn't you hear it in my voice, see it in my eyes? Were you really that blind? Or maybe you didn't care.
I wanted to talk to you, tell you that you shouldn't be so along, but you kissed me then, and my words fell away.
Somehow we were foolish. We thought that what was hidden would stay hidden. How could we have been so naive? Did we really think we were fooling anyone?
Sometimes secret glances aren't so secret. Sometimes words can sting more than we originally thought. Sometimes love isn't enough, and sometimes love doesn't exist.
I sit here broken. I sit here come undone. Look at me, what have you made me into? Look at what I've become. I've never been so broken, so hopeless, so lifeless.
You took away my spark, took away the light. I feel like I don't even exist. I'll fade away soon, into the dark, away from the light. I'll slip away from the rest of the world.
I told you that you would be the end of me. "If I am the end of you, then you aren't as strong as you think you are," you told me. "You are a fool and weak. You are afraid of the world, well, wake up! You're in it! You're a big part of it! If this is the end of you, well, you haven't really lived then, now have you?"
Maybe you were a little bit right. Perhaps so was I. It doesn't matter now. All that matters is that nothing is the way it was, and I am left here alone.
You once made me your everything, even if you couldn't tell me you loved me. Somehow I knew you made me your everything, and then you just threw it all away.
Now I am alone. This is the price of loving you, Draco, to lose everything I am. I have lost my friends, my family, everything all for your love, and you through it all away. I told you, didn't I?
Don't you understand yet, Draco? You took my heart in your hand and crushed it. You tore me apart inside. Don't you understand that?
"It'll be fine, Hermione," you told me. "Your pathetic friends will never know. Your reputation as a perfect Gryffindor is safe. No worries."
Didn't you understand that the walls had eyes? That the stair casses had ears? Didn't you understand that nothing there can remain a secret for long? "They will find out, Draco, as will your friends."
"Perhaps, but I can say I was using you to get to Potter. What will be your excuse when Potter and Weasley find out?"
"That I was using you."
You smirked at me then, that infuriating smirk that I absolutely loathed and loved at the same time. The one that made me want to both kill you and hold you. "That, Hermione, they will never believe."
Oh, but why did you have to be right! Why couldn't I have proved you wrong this once? Just this one single time! Oh, bloody hell, why not take it further and ask why I had to be right about them finding out?
I will never forget the look of hurt on Harry's face. It clouded his eyes, made his body stiffen with anger. I would have done anything to take that away. "Why, Hermione?" he asked. "Why did you do this?"
"And no excuses now." Ron was glaring at me as well, cold and hateful. I had never been more ashamed of myself, or more afraid of what I might say than I was with him looking at me the way he was.
"I can't explain it," I told them. "I just can't."
They never spoke to me after that day.
Don't you see what you have done to me, Draco? You have left me alone! I have no Harry, no Ron, no Ginny! Hogwarts is a distant memory! Everyone there hates me and those who don't should!
You've taken everything away from me, Draco Malfoy! Everything I was is gone all because I loved you!
I told you that you would be the end of me.
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