Reading Reviews for In This Darkness
  
33 Reviews Found

Review #1, by crimson quill Chapter Nine

24th March 2017:
Hello Quilly (I'm stealing B's name for you!)

So I've been seeing this story around lots especially in the forum so I thought it was about time that I start reading this! Can I say I'm super impressed about your updating speed? I assume you've got chapters pre-written for this? maybe you just write fast? I'm totally impressed anyway.

I'm so enjoying this story, it does a lot so well! I think first the relationship between Lily/Xander is so interesting. I wasn't sure how it was going work without being weird considering they have grown up together!? So far, this hasn't been an issue at all. it's a bit like they're both secretly quite obsessed with each other. I think so far the pacing is great, slowly finding out more about their past relationship/friendship to build towards their future romantic relationship.

I just love Xander as a character, I'm a sucker for handsome mysterious characters like him. He is a mystery that I want to solve. I love it. He's so aloof and cool. No wonder Nia is so interested but you also showed that he has caring side too e.g. his concern for Lucy over her detention. Something that he shares with Lily.

I love the romantic story of Xander and Lily is underpinned by the mystery of Xander's past.

MYSTERY - you've created it and I'm so excited to see more of this element within the story. Xander has to discover more of his past! I thought the first chapter did so well at creating the mystery that had me hooked as it opened up so many plotlines from the word go.

I really admired your bold choice to kill off Ginny. it's quite shocking really! I think it explains a lot though when you describe Lily being only female so everyone wanted to please her. I thought the herbology scene was great to show the reader a different side of her without it being in her inner monologue.

ĎLily Potter & the Bows -Who-Wowed: Everything You Need for the Effortless School Girl Hairí - I thought this headline was really cute and creative of you.

I'm also really shipping Hugo/Hannah btw!

So fabulous job quilly! ;D

Keep it up! I'll be keeping an eye on this one!
xo

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Review #2, by Giu9_RedandGold Chapter Nine

22nd March 2017:
Wonderful chapter, I loved it so much!
I love how protective Xander is of Lily. I don't think it's just jealousy, I think he genuinely cares and worries for her. And about that look and nod between Xander and Harry, I don't know if that was just Harry telling him "watch out for her" or there's actually more. Will we find out? Please??? :)

Anyway I don't have much to say, just that every chapter makes me fall in love with this story more and more. And thank you so much for such quick updates. I'm still trying to figure out Lily, but I'll get there eventually.

Cheers! xx

Author's Response: You're so sweet! I love hearing from you!

That nodd... You're on the right track! It'll be further implied later on again lol

I try to update as often as I can and really sweet reviews like yours really keep motivated so thank you so much!


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Review #3, by AutumnRed Chapter Nine

21st March 2017:
Oh my Godric Gryffindor! I can't even wait for the next chapter! I love this so much and am looking forward to where you go with it.

xx,
A.R.

Author's Response: A.R. Thank you so much for stopping by and reviewing! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and I really hope you like what's coming next! Stay tuned! I'm polishing the next chapter now, but it should be up sometime in the next week.

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Review #4, by victoria_anne Chapter Six

21st March 2017:
I have things to do, Quilly, so if you could stop leaving me wanting more, that would be great.

Jokes! But how can I resist with a chapter summary like that, especially when it starts in Xander's POV?

I love love love how many details Xander notices about Lily. He's got it bad.

And speaking of Lily, I love reading about the darker side to having a famous father. All the thoughts that Caroline (among others, I'm sure) has are pretty expected, even if they're not very nice. I bet they do all think she has life handed to her on a silver platter.
Oh and look at her using her powers with the thestral.

It's an extremely interesting detail to have Xander struggle to grow plants. The idea that living things don't respond to him very much adds to his dark demeanour. It makes me wonder even more what you have planned for Xander in the future.

In fact, that whole Herbology scene is amazing. I was annoyed at Caroline for Lily's sake, haha! But even just with Xander's thoughts of Professor Longbottom (which is totally accurate - I bet he really wouldn't seem like the type of person who destroyed a Horcrux in battle) and the description of the plants needing love and smiles is so enjoyable.

Uh oh, and now the two of them are up to no good?!

Another excellent chapter - I'll be back soon!



Author's Response: B < 3

Thank you so much for reviewing two chapters back to back!

I love love love how you notice Xander noticing Lily hehe I don't want to give too much away, but I wanted it be sort of obvious that he did...

People are bound to think her life was handed to her on a silver platter, right? I mean people sometimes drew those conclusions about Harry himself, and the poor kid grew up in a cupboard.

Haha I always loved Neville so much! I love how he was always sweet and kind and then bam! surprised everyone by growing up to be one of the most awesome characters of all.

Thank you for all your wonderful insight as always! I hope you enjoy the next few chapters!


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Review #5, by victoria_anne Chapter Five

21st March 2017:
Hello Quilly! ♥

I have so much to say about that very first paragraph. How do you do that?! It's an interesting way to open a chapter, I love every word. Although I'm surprised that Xander doesn't like his reflection. I suppose I just assumed that he would. Ooh and the mirror is the entrance to the Head dorm? That's flipping awesome! That's such a cool detail.

I love the idea that he wants to occupy his time with learning to become an Animagus. I wonder what form he would take? The way McGonagall refuses Xander in so many things is so similar to Dumbledore and Tom Riddle, and I'm kind of glad she's there to make sure he doesn't get carried away.

I like that Hugo can see straight through Xander. I think that's important for Xander, and it's especially good for him to have a true friend (even if Xander is using him to get others out of detention *rolls eyes*)

Um, excuse me, Xander, there is no such thing as awful bed hair :P

ďEmpty corridors are way too public,Ē said Xander with a sly smile, ďfor the things I like to do." OMG what are you doing to me, Quilly?!

I think one (just one - there's so many!) of the appealing things about this story is how far from perfect the main characters are. Lily and Xander may have a lot in commom, but not all of these things are good. The characters feel real.

You honestly have such a talent, and I can't wait to read more from you!

♥ B

Author's Response: Hello!

Confession time hehe I hate mirrors so I wanted Xander, who has so many inner struggles, to also hate them.

McGonagall is way too smart to be so easily persuade by a charming student. And she has that past experience with Riddle and knowing that brilliant, handsome students aren't always best is definitely going to affect her decisions regarding him.

Hugo is a good friend, isn't he? I think he has his own flaws... He's perhaps too honest? In any case, it keeps his over egoistically best friends grounded.

I'm so glad you thought the characters real! That's a constant struggle in every single chapter that I write. I want to make sure all the characters are believable. So feel free to point out if you ever feel like they stop coming off that way.

By the way, I officially love Quilly and will now be using it < 3


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Review #6, by Lily_Luna123 Chapter Nine

21st March 2017:
Thanks for the awesome chapter :) I am absolutely loving this story!!! there aren't enough lily potter fanfics out there! thank you :) xx

Author's Response: Thank you for reading AND reviewing! I'm glad you're enjoying the story! I hope you like what's to come!

And I agree! There's not enough Lily Potter on here! She's a great character to write though because there's so little we know about her...


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Review #7, by FFyusuf Chapter Eight

16th March 2017:
Great chapter! Can't wait to read what happens next!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a review! The next chapter will be up shortly. Let me know what you think :)

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Review #8, by Giu9_RedandGold Chapter Eight

15th March 2017:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. A broom closet? In absolute darkness? I'm gonna need next chapter tomorrow, thank you very much.

Anyway, this one was brilliant! I loved learning more about Lily and Xander's past friendship. I have to admit, I often get invested in the main couple of the stories I read, but I'm never too eager to see them together. I usually like a slow, complicated journey, and enjoy the tension between the two main characters and the anticipation of them getting together. But I'm not sure what is happening with these two, but I know I need them to get together, like NOW! Congratulations, you have managed to turn me into a crazy, depressed shipper!

Author's Response: Broom closets and darkness are always a good place to leave things off, don't you think? haha But don't worry... The next chapter will be updated really soon! I'm just cleaning it up a bit more.

I totally hear you about the slow build. And although I can't promise you they are going to get together any time soon... You will get to hear more about their past friendship!

And crazy, depressed shippers rule! haha welcome to dark side.

Next chapter should be up in the next few days. Let me know what you think :)



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Review #9, by victoria_anne Chapter Four

14th March 2017:
Hey gorgeous ♥

Aw, a bit of sad opening to the chapter. It's bittersweet though, the things that remind her of her mother. It's wonderfully written.

Haha oh my gosh, I love the idea of Molly's that now that the family's troublemakers have left, they can make the Weasley name good again :P

Well, of course Xander is Slytherin ♥ I bet he looks great in green ;)

I like the imagery (I think there's a better, more technical word but I can't think what it is) of Lily always looking across the tables at Xander, but he never does. Also, him being a perfect student that the teachers love is also very Tom Riddle. I hope he doesn't have plans involving a certain snakey. It's sad that he pushed her away after Ginny died. You'd think he'd need someone to lean on after that too :(

Now I can understand why they don't like each other. At first I wondered how it could be possible when they lived together, but it was a slow build and I completely get it.

Oh Lord Hugo is so head over heels for Hannah. It's adorable ♥

Oops, got so caught up reading a forgot to make comments along the way. Poor Andrew! He really did take it quite harsh. But I'm rooting for Lils, and I hope the break up takes a bit of weight off her shoulders. That girl deserves to be happy.

Brilliant chapter, as always. More characters are being introduced slowly, so it's easier to keep track of them all, all the while deepening the interactions between Lily and Xander. I'm excited to continue! Well done, my love!

♥ ♥ ♥

Author's Response: Haha I love Molly. I think I was a Molly in school. I wanted to be a Lily -- but I was definitely a Molly.

Yeah there are definitely a lot of reasons for them not to like each other, and I'll touch upon them more closely as the chapters continue. You're right -- Xander pushing her away after Ginny's death is sad but that will also be explained a little better later on.

When I first started writing this story, I wanted to introduce all the characters within the first two/three chapters but I'm really not that great at introducing so many characters at once without losing aspects of them along the way. I'm glad that them being introduced slowly has worked out, and I hope it continues to do so as I introduce a few more, and develop the ones we already know.

As always, your review was wonderful and insightful! Thank you so much for taking the time! I always love hearing from you!


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Review #10, by UnluckyStar57 Chapter Seven

12th March 2017:
Hi there!

I just discovered this story this morning, and OMG I AM TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY!!

I absolutely LOVE the concept that you've got going on--British baddies wreaking havoc in the US and a poor kid left in the wreckage, only to be taken in by the Potters. It's an absolute horrible thing that Ginny is dead, but it adds to the Potter-Vandenberg family dynamic. (I just hate it for everyone though. Ginny is the bomb dot com.)

I've been screeching over the Lily-Xander dynamic for the past six chapters. They're both so calculating and...pompous. It's so amazing to see them not flirting outright, and honestly I don't even care if they end up as a ship at the end. I just love their absolute pettiness over everything, and *wink wink* the fact that Lily was reading about Grindelwald on the train a few chapters back!

On to this chapter:

I too would like to know what's going on with Hannah, but Lily's so-called friends are nosy as all get-out. They sound obnoxious, they act obnoxious, and it's no wonder Lily wants to get away from them. She's kind of a brat, but at least she has the sense to attempt to make her own choices when it comes to dating/friendships/whatever. I just hate it for the other girls that they're still buying into the "ring by spring"-type narrative that Wizarding pureblood culture suggests. I mean, they're only SEVENTEEN! They don't need a ring on it yet!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am absolutely thrilled with this story! I love Next Gen of all varieties, but I especially love new and inventive plots! So extra extra kudos to you on writing an absolute gem, and I cannot wait to read more!

~Mallory

Author's Response: Oh my goodness! Your review made my day! :)

I absolutely love Ginny as well, but her absence was too important to the story line. Haha Lily-Xander are very pompous -you're quite right about that.

And yes, her friends are annoying! And Lily is kind of a brat and can be quite as bad herself -- I think you nailed it when you said she 'attempts' to make her own choices. She definitely has some inner struggles going on.

I'm so glad you're enjoying it so far. Your review was far too kind, and the next chapter is coming up soon so be sure to let me know what you think :)


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Review #11, by TidalDragon Chapter One

12th March 2017:
Howdy! Now that I've read the story, I'm even more disappointed in myself that it's taken so long for me to get here!

I think the concept you've created is swollen with promise and the way you've crafted it - with such detail - speaks highly of that promise being realized.

I understand that coming in, you chief concern was whether the chapter (and plot) make sense on the whole. I think the answer to that is an emphatic yes. You do a good job of establishing background for Xander and the reason for Harry's involvement and subsequent actions in relation to him.

Inside all that you do an excellent job with descriptions, both of settings and characters, and characterizations themselves. I think you captured Chapman's reaction at not getting what he wanted perfectly and Harry and Ginny's relationship nicely as well. It's a further testament to this that while leaving us with unanswered factual questions about Xander, you also, as intended leave us with questions about his very nature. Though some of this is accomplished explicitly, the other part is left to subtext and reader interpretation of the "Crucio" incident in that context. The direct comparisons between Xander's potential futures and Voldemort raise the question - is his reaction afterward genuine or has he already developed a Riddle-esque ability to manipulate those around him?

If there was one thing I'd change, I think it would be very minor - a run through to look at some of the language for internal consistency and typos. The chapter currently has a number of instances where the subject and verb don't agree, and separate and apart where there are missing or extra "S's".

Congrats on a sensational start! Good luck with the rest of the story!

Author's Response: Hey :)

Thank you for all your kind, encouraging words! You answered all the doubts I had as far as presenting a clear story line while also leaving unanswered questions.

I am going back to look at some of the typos you pointed out. It seems as if every time I re-read it, I find new ones, but I'll keep trying to clean it up.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to stop by and leaving a review!


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Review #12, by sweaterweather21 Chapter Six

11th March 2017:
I really like this story so far! The split perspectives between Xander and Lily work really well, and I think you've done a great job to develop the tension between them. Looking forward to more :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the wonderful review, love! I'm glad you think the split perspectives work well. I debated doing it this way for a long time, so it means a lot to hear that.

The next chapter is now up. I hope you enjoy it :) Let me know what you think!


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Review #13, by victoria_anne Chapter Three

8th March 2017:
HELLO MY DEAR

I'm back to sprinkle some love on this story! I'll be reviewing as I read so sorry for the randomness.

So I've literally read two lines of Hugo and I absolutely love him already. Of course my baby is Head Boy ♥

Oh my goodness she's reading the Grindelwald book! Is she trying to determine what Xander's interest is? Does she just want to find something to talk about with him? What does this mean?!

I think an owl breakup would still be better than a text message breakup. At least you get to hug and cry into a fluffy owl.

Lily on a magazine with that title is too amazing for words.

I'm loving Xander the more and more I read about him. It might be naughty for me to say, but I just love a bad boy ♥ (who am I kidding... Who doesn't love a bad boy?!)

I like the fact Xander and Hugo are friends. I feel since they're so different it's a nice balance between them.

Oooh I see, she's trying to impress Xander. Yeah, you keep telling yourself it has nothing to do with that, Lily.

Overall, your characters are great (but you already know I love them ♥) It's clear that Lily and Hugo are close, and know a lot about each other, and though we get a glimpse of Hugo and Xander's relationship, I'd love to see more of them in action.

The only thing I would have to say about this chapter is that the scene with Luly and Hugo does go one for quite long. Not that the content isn't interesting, it's just quite a lot of dialogue that needs to be broken up a bit with more action. But apart from that, another wonderful chapter :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you love Hugo. I love Hugos of the world, to be honest.
Haha Owl break ups have to be ten times better than text message break ups. -- Also you get to send a howler back.
I agree that this chapter needed more action now that you mention it. It just sort of developed that way... but I will definitely keep it in mind in later chapters though!


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Review #14, by PaulaTheProkaryote Chapter Two

6th March 2017:
Hello lovely,

I've told some people but I can't remember if I told you so I'm apologizing that I'm so late! I had a family emergency that took up quite a bit of my reviewing time (and will continue to do so for a bit).

"The Wizarding Register for Historic Places placed it as number sixty five of the most interesting historical sites in the country. It was a place where battles had been fought, families had lived, and history had been made." I really like this introduction to the Potter Manor. It's glamorous in a somewhat reverent way instead of like dazzlingly expensive style. I also like that Harry thought it was too much and it was Ginny that encouraged him (and for a very nice reason).

So I can already say for certain I like the Xander/Lily thing. Are we pairing them? I ship them. I love the push-pull style relationship. Honestly it's probably what I read the most.

GINNY IS GONE OMG DON'T BREAK MY HEART WHAT ARE YOU DOING POOR HARRY.

"would have largely ignored her but a few dramatic tears from Lily would have been sufficient enough to see him scampering around, trying to find a way to make his sisterís tears stop." You described my brother to a t. holy guac.

I love their banter. I love him riling her up. He's quite skilled at it too. The magic without a brain line had me dying.

Lily is very emotion driven and hotheaded and she reminds me of someone but I can't quite put my finger on it. I really like her characterization though.

"had gigantic pine trees that had been magically enchanted to steer off unwanted reporters trying to get a picture of Harry or his children." I love this idea. I have no idea why I've never put wards up in any of my stories but Harry would totally do that.

Minor CC: Auto correct got you with 'doted' in this line: "Her brothers always dotted on her"


Overall, I think this was a really good chapter and I really enjoyed both the characterization of Xander and Lily and the interaction. I think the entire family dynamic is really, really intriguing and I can't wait to see where it goes!

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review!

Hehe I think that's my brother too. I'm glad it came out as relatable.
I'm glad you thought it was something that Harry would do. I feel like the media attention is something he would want to protect them from (having experienced it as a teenager himself).
I've gone ahead and made the CC correction :)

Thank you once again for the review!


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Review #15, by AIP Alexander Chapter Six

5th March 2017:
It is an incredibly fascinating story! Great job with all of it! i've loved reading every chapter so far.

Author's Response: Ah thank you so much! I'm so glad you've liked it so far! The next chapter is getting approved. Let me know what you think :)

Thank you for the review once again!


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Review #16, by Felpata Lupin Chapter Two

5th March 2017:
Back again, as promised! ;)

This was a fun chapter. I'm already enjoying the love/hate (more hate than love right now, maybe...) relationship between Xander and Lily. It was really fun to read. And I think it was interesting to see how well Xander could read her, better than the rest of the family even. I guess it has something to do with living side by side for their whole lives... I'm curious about their houses, by the way... if I have to guess, Gryffindor for her and Slytherin for him? Too cliched guess? Well, I'll find out in later chapters, I suppose...

Ginny's dead? What? How? Why? (I guess the reason is plot purposes... it was still so sad to learn that...)

Xander is fascinated by Grindelwald and that's a tiny bit worrisome, but I hope it doesn't mean anything. Also, the memory charm still holds and that doesn't sound too good either... I'm afraid he might find out the truth soon, and react badly to it... Once again, I'll just have to keep reading, right?

And Harry has a colleague who might become a love interest... mmh... Lily's reaction was definitely overdramatic, but I can totally see where she was coming from. It must hurt to imagine another woman in your father's life when the loss of your mother is not so far away... also, I'm wondering if there isn't something dangerous about this woman as well... (ahahah! I see conspiracies everywhere... :P don't mind me...)

Great job with this chapter, too, and I might be back again soon! But for now I'll leave you (also because it's 11 pm and I should really go to bed...)

Much love,

Chiara

Author's Response: It was so kind of you to review the second chapter! Xander can read her very well, and then there's more to it than just that and it'll come about much later.

Plot purpose is one reason; character development was my main one. I feel awful about it still. I love Ginny.

Yes, it still holds... and he still doesn't know the truth. (Would it have been different if Ginny was alive? Probably.)

Haha your theory about Harry's colleague made me laugh because it's so a conclusion Lily would want to believe if you two had a talk ;p

Thank you for doing two reviews in a row so late at night! Your insight was great!


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Review #17, by Felpata Lupin Chapter One

5th March 2017:
Hello!

Please, please, please, forgive me for taking so long to get here... it's been a crazy few weeks... I'm so sorry... :(

But I'm so happy that you asked me to review this! Oh, my Merlin, this was brilliant! This chapter is so intriguing and really makes you want to read on and see what happens!

I loved your description at the beginning, of the dingy laundromat and of Chapman. You gave such a strong and clear picture of his character in such a short space, really well done! All your descriptions were brilliant!

Anna's story does remind a bit of Merope, even if it's different under many aspects. And Xander... poor little thing, I so wanted to hug him tight and protect him... even if he's more than able to protect himself, apparently... that moment when he used the Cruciatus curse was quite scary, but he's still only a scared child that just needs someone to love him. And I can totally see why Harry would decide to bring him home, that's the sort of thing he would do.

I also loved your Ginny and the way you wrote her relationship with Harry. I think you really captured both their characters perfectly. She is strong and caring and I love how she and Harry understand and trust and support each other.

So, to cut it short... I think you did a wonderful job with this prologue, and I'm just going on reading right now, because you had me intrigued so much (and because I need to be forgiven for the long wait...)

Thank you so much for requesting and sharing this amazing story!

See you soon,

Chiara

Author's Response: Chiara, there's no need for apologies! Crazy weeks are the worst (wasn't last week January? I can't believe the year is going by so fast...).

I'm really glad you liked Chapman and the descriptions in the chapter. I definitely wanted to play with the idea of parallelisms and foils in this story. Merope and Anna are sort of both here, but we'll see more of that later on.

I think we see Ginny and Harry supporting each other from the very beginning in the books, and their relationship only continues to grow stronger. I needed a Ginny/Harry marriage to showcase that friendship and that mutual support, you know?

Thank you for this wonderful review!


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Review #18, by AbraxanUnicorn Chapter Two

5th March 2017:
Hello again :) I'm here with your requested review for chapter two.

So, we have a change of scene and time from the first chapter. Now, we're in the Potter house, at least a decade ahead. With the description of such a large, quiet building, the tone of this chapter has already been set; enormous houses rarely give people a warm and cosy feeling, after all and I'm already feeling ominous in some way. Good work there!

Xander already strikes me as a somewhat dark character. He's reading a Grindelwald biography, and is quick to respond to Lily's remarks, both of which suggest that he's intelligent. He gives off an air of confidence and control, and reminds me a little bit of a young Voldemort (yikes!). I suspect what we learn about his character in this chapter is only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, but will he turn out to be bad or good? Hmmm.

Lily comes across as a privileged, slightly spoiled teenager. There's an emphasis on her hot temper; often a trait shown by girls who have grown up in a mainly male household as a defence mechanism to stand up for themselves. She displays some unpleasant and rather shallow traits - using boys to make other ones jealous is NOT NICE, Lily! There's also something a little lonely about her character, possibly due to the loss of her mother? Speaking of which, you killed off Ginny?! How COULD you?! Sob. *Erm, yeah, it's your story, you can kill off who you want*

So, our two main characters in this chapter were once amicable, and then they grew to hate each other. I am curious as to why? What triggered the transformation?

There's quite a large amount of tension between them earlier on in the chapter, but it dissipates towards the end as there's some kind of minor reconciliation between the two of them. So, there's hope for our protagonists yet :)


The one thing I'd ask about this chapter, with specific consideration to the characters; if Lily and Xander don't get on, why did they bother having dinner together when the rest of the family weren't there? If I was Lily and I hated Xander, I don't think I'd want to share a table with just him?

A few minor CCs:
Her brothers always doted on her (not dotted).
Also happened to loathe each other (not loathed).

I really enjoyed reading this chapter; I thought it flowed really well, was easy to follow, and gave enough information for the reader to be able to paint a scene in their head.

Great work :) I hope this review was helpful.

Brax X

Author's Response: Brax, thank you for another wonderful review.

You cleared my two main concerns about this chapter which was Xander and Lily's portrayals. There's certainly a dark element to Xander that I mean to explore... You also have the Lily I wanted to present. She isn't very nice, and she is a little loss.
I'll always be sorry about Ginny. Sometimes, when I'm writing later chapters, I miss her and I regret not being able to add her, but her loss was too fundamental to the character development not to be there.
They were once amicable, and now they are not because... Well you'll see ;) Haha it's touched up in the next few chapters, and it is, eventually, completely clear because there is a reason.
As to why Lily and Xander were having dinner together... I think that Lily wouldn't have wanted to be a lone, and she wouldn't found another place to eat just because Xander was there so there's a mixture of her fear of being lonely and her pride setting in and allowing her to stay and join Xander. I didn't really include that in the chapter (maybe I should have?) but hopefully you'll see this as a plausible explanation as the character develops in later chapters.

Thank for the CCs. You have such a good eye for them!

Your review was incredibly helpful! Can't thank you enough!


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Review #19, by Giu9_RedandGold Chapter Six

4th March 2017:
Hi! So, I rarely read Lily/OC stories (not sure why) but I decided to give a chance to this and I absolutely love it!
Xander is so interesting and well written. His past, his relationhip with the Potters, his friendship with Hugo, his confusing "dark moments," his feelings for Lily (because there are feelings, I can see them, thy're right there!!!) Such a fascinating character. And Lily...I like her, but I'm still not entirely sure why I like her. I mean, it's not like she is unlikable, it's just that if I were asked to put into words the reasons why, I couldn't. So, hopefully, you'll keep updating and I'll continue reading and as soon as I manage to figure her out I'll let you know :)

Cheers X

Author's Response: I√ʬĬôm so glad you decided to give this Lily/OC a chance! Xander is a lot of fun to write because there are so many dimensions to him! To be honest, Lily is probably not meant to be the most easily likeable character. She has so much growing up to do, doesn√ʬĬôt she? But I hope you grow fonder as you get to know her better. The next chapter is already being submitted for revision, so it should be available soon! Let me know what you think, and thank you for the wonderful review!

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Review #20, by dreamgazer220 Chapter Three

28th February 2017:
Hey there! Here with your review :)

So, this chapter. I enjoyed it quite a bit! Train rides are always dull to write, but you used it as a great opportunity to develop some relationships here.

I love your Hugo. I also love that you don't forget about Hugo (a lot of Next Gen fics do), and that he and Lily are super close. I really enjoy his humor, and his banter and relationship with Lily showcases how close they are. I found it really interesting that Lily was in a relationship, but it makes sense if she was thinking about breaking up with him.

The dialogue here was great. It was fast-paced and it read naturally to me; I could hear them talking as I was reading it, and even just through the dialogue, we're getting a better picture of who Lily is, which I enjoy. I'm curious to learn more about her; it sounds like she's one of those pretty, popular girls, but also like she's not sure she wants to be anymore (and I love love love characters like that).

I also find it interesting (in a good way) that Lily let her boyfriend kind of control her a bit, thus not letting her spend time with Hugo last year. Obviously that gap year is going to cause some rifts, or I think it will, anyway - I could see them start to surface when she realizes just how close Hugo and Xander are.

I did notice some technicals, so I'd suggest either getting a beta reader or reading through a second time to see if you can spot them. Just something to think about to help make the chapter a bit cleaner :)

This was another great chapter, and I'm curious about Lily and Xander's interest in Grindelwad; I like that you didn't make it the obvious choice with Voldemort. I'm also not so sure I believe Lily in that she's not trying to impress Xander, haha.

Thanks for the request!

♥Jill

Author's Response: I love Hugo! I wish there was more of him in fics so I had to make sure he was in this one hehe

That's pretty much the Lily I wanted to showcase so I'm glad it came through! She has a lot of growing and a lot of self realization to do...

I think Volderort is pure darkness where Grindelwad was more of twisted ideals. Also Voldemort is too closely associated with Harry for any of his kids to feel comfortable reading about... I'm not sure Lily wasn't trying to impress him either ;)

I'm not really sure where I'd find a beta (I'm relatively new to the world of FanFics lol) but I'll definitely try to edit more closely.

Thank you for another wonderful review, Jill! Your input is always appreciated!


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Review #21, by victoria_anne Chapter Two

28th February 2017:
Hello hello! So good to be back on this story!
I knew I'd read chapter one but I couldn't find my review, and very much confused myself until I realized I'd reviewed on HPFT, but I've transferred that review over now :)

Judging by the fact you want me to look at the characterisation of Lily and Xander, I`m guessing we get to see them a bit older and how they interact, and not gonna lie I'm really excited about it. I'm so intrigued by Xander especially.

AND YES! Tension straight away. They don't like each other, and I live for dat banter.

Ooh he`s fascinated by Grindelwald. Xander is so smol and cute but dang there`s a dark cloud hovering over him.

Ahh Lily. Who doesn't have a crush on Scorpius though.

I would literally take an earwax flavoured bean over a toad one any day.

Wait, Ginny died?! Aww no :( Lily's reaction to Harry potentially dating is so realistic though. It must be so hard for her to be in a house full of boys now.

The only bad thing I have to say about this chapter is that it's much too short! I need to see more of them! Xander clearly doesn't hate Lily as much as he might think, and I looove it!

I've favourited this story because I really really like where it's going, and I can't wait to read more!

♥ Bianca

Author's Response: I'm awful and forget to post updates on HPFT sometimes! :/ I always post on this site though.

I'm happy you noticed the dark cloud ;) hehe Xander is a lot of fun to write because there are so many elements to him.

Ginny's death was hard to decide on, but it shapes my characters so fundamentally, it was impossible not to do so.

The next chapters are longer! I promise hehe

Thank you so much for taking to review this again, Bianca. Your reviews are always so helpful!


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Review #22, by victoria_anne Chapter One

28th February 2017:
I'm in love with this from the first paragraph. It had a wonderful, original feel, and flows beautifully.

You say you struggled with this chapter, but trust me, it doesn't show at all. There's a lot of information presented, but it doesn't feel dumped at all, and that can be one of the most difficult things about writing.

Ooh I almost feel we have a new Tom Riddle on our hands. I love that Harry has thought about this, and it influences his decision to bring Xander back with him. Plus Harry knows what it's like to be an orphan and have no one. I like to think he hopes he can change the boy's future.

I'm intrigued by Rousell too, especially by the fact that he feared Harry, and you used the same words that described Voldemort's fear of Dumbledore. I wonder if anyone will come after Xander because of him.

I don't know how much of a future role Chapman will play, but he already seems like a real, thought out character. I think Harry is perfect too. Responsible, kind-hearted, but serious when he needs to be. And Ginny! Xander couldn't be brought up in a better household.

This really is an amazing start. I'm definitely sucked in!

Author's Response: Thank you for the wonderful review! There is a lot of information here -and more coming- so deciding how to present it in a way that feels natural is a constant struggle. I am glad you thought it flowed effectively for now. I'm also glad you found Rousell intriguing. When creating villains for this fanfic, I wanted to capture some of the darkness we found in the HP universe and still make it their own, so I hope it translates in that way laer on. In some ways, Chapman represented Xander's old life, and Harry is going to represent his new one. So, in that sense, he is a vital character, and I wanted to make sure he was constructed soldily enough to be one. Thank you once again for your review and all your insights!

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Review #23, by AbraxanUnicorn Chapter One

27th February 2017:
Hello! Iím here with the HPFT review you requested :)

Firstly, I really like your opening paragraph. It begins with an unusual and striking line, and the sentences are of a very readable length; not distractingly short, nor terribly long-winded. Itís a well-structured section and it sets the tempo nicely for the rest of this chapter.

I find it easy to visualise Chapman from your description of him Ė I thought that you created quite a vivid image of the launderette owner, even if I have now got a rather gruesome picture in my head! If you wanted to, you could enhance the mental images further by being a bit more creative with your descriptions, although I think Ďterribleí is probably an adequate way to describe Chapmanís teeth; I donít wish to know too much about them, after all(!)

The flow of the story is good as the pace picks up slightly into the next section; Harry enters the launderette and you introduce the orphan boy into the story. Again, there is enough information to build a picture of the scene in my head and it is straightforward to read, keeping my attention. I like the balance between dialogue and description here. The conversational pieces are written well, using language that sounds plausible when said out loud, and the description continues throughout, connecting this section to the previous passage and keeping the flow of the story.

Moving on to some background information, and itís nicely incorporated without disturbing the storyís balance. None of it feels like Iím clunking from one time time period to another, and I donít find it difficult to keep track of the storyline, which is great. I think thereís enough information included in this chapter to start with; had you added more, I think I would have found that there was too much information to absorb in one go. Iím presuming youíll add more past information as the story develops, and on a need-to-know basis :)

Nice bit of conflict between Harry and Chapman over the boy, which adds in some drama. But yikes! Iím surprised/disturbed that the young child is able to successfully use an Unforgivable curse and have Chapman writhing on the floor. Iím not sure that part is entirely believable (yeah, I know how contrary that sounds when Iím reviewing a story set in a world of magic), because of what we learned from canon as to how hard it is to perform Unforgivables.
In addition, for Harry to then think ďHe could not accept the idea that such a child could ever be dangerous,Ē makes it feel a bit unbelievable, especially when he has actually witnessed the boy perform a Cruciatus curse on someone only a few minutes earlier.
I think Ginnyís reaction later is more plausible.

There are a few typos throughout that you might want to correct.

In answer to your initial queries when you requested this review:

I think the amount of back story given in this chapter is absolutely fine; any more information would be overload.

The only thing I wasnít sure about was the inclusion of the Cruciatus curse. However, itís your story and this is only my opinion :)

I enjoyed this chapter. Thank you for the review request. I hope this was useful.


Brax X

Author's Response: Brax,

Your review was so useful! Thank you so much!

One of my concerns was the reader being able to keep up with the timeline so I'm glad you were able to do so! There is a lot of information that needs to be given later on, and I'm struggling to do so in a way that will feel natural but hopefully it comes out alright.

I understand that pieces that you found a bit unbelievable. I hope to be able to smooth those bits out later on in the story so that it makes more sense.

Thank you so much for your in-depth review once again!


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Review #24, by Potterhead1994 Chapter Five

24th February 2017:
WOOT WOOT Xander is jealous! I can't wait to see where their relationship goes :)

Author's Response: I'm so happy to see your excitement! Can't wait for you to read the upcoming chapters!

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Review #25, by RubyEyes123 Chapter Four

22nd February 2017:
Hi!
I have been reading this story from the beginning and I was interested in it ever since. The mystery and the romance makes it all the more better. I can't wait to learn how Xander reacts when he learns about his parentage. I am not a big fan of Ginny dying and the way it is described in this chapter just makes me want to cry, and you should know I don't usually cry over stories. However, I do understand it is for the sake of the plot. All in all I love the story and your writing style, so please keep up the good word and update soon!

--RubyEyes123

Author's Response: RubyEyes,
Thank you for taking the time to review! I'm so glad to hear you're liking it and are intrigued by the mystery side of it! I love Ginny so I totally feel you, and I wouldn't have done if I didn't feel it like it would contribute to the story! I tried not to make it too sad; it was painful to write regardless! Again, thank you for such a lovely review! The update has been submitted for approval so it should be up soon! Let me know what you think!


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