Reading Reviews for Crucio
  
15 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Violet Potter 434 Nothing Like Some Good Old Fashioned Bonding

25th January 2017:
omg I need more

its amazing

keep writing for me
please?

from me xx

Author's Response: thank you so much!! don't worry, the next update is coming as soon as i can write it :)

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Review #2, by Dirigible_Plums And We All Fall Down

4th January 2017:
DAMN

You've combined a healthy murder mystery with my fave boy Al and I, for one, am Interested

xo

Author's Response: Thank you!!!

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Review #3, by greenbirds Every Beginning Starts With an End

2nd January 2017:
ive already left a review, but wanted to come back to the first chapter and leave a review here too, because this is such a fantastic chapter- like, one of the best opening chapters i've read in ages- and also because i got ridiculously bored and read a few other reviews left on your story, including one that questioned the character quantity in this chapter and the use of the nickname scorp for scorpius. in my very humble opinion - you have a perfectly good number of characters for an opening chapter, you balance the binary perfectly between important main characters (isla scorpius and albus) and lesser
characters serving to set a scene, further the relationships between the three above, highlight the environment in which isla and scorpius so desperately wanted to escape from. and i hope scorp isn't a lazy nickname, because my scorpius in my next gen is referred to as scorp too!

just my opinion though ;) xoxo

Author's Response: TYSM!! I think that review was extremely helpful, but this is the same amount of help as well! I'm glad that you like the character numbers and all that, thank you so much for the review again!!

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Review #4, by greenbirds And We All Fall Down

1st January 2017:
ahh! i really, really like this! it's been ages since i've been this thrilled by a story on this site; it's a testament to your writing skills and knack for character that i'm just as excited by the budding, yet definitely growing chemistry between albus & isla, the demise of the latter's friendship with the slytherin girls and the growth of her friendship with the gryffindor girls, namely audrey & rose, who i'm already warming too- as i am by the mystery and intrigue of the plot in general. update soon!

Author's Response: oh my gOSH i love your writing so much this really means a lot to me :))) and thank you so much for this review!! all 3 of the things you mentioned will be developed in part 1 of this story, i'm so excited!

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Review #5, by Giu9_RedandGold And We All Fall Down

1st January 2017:
I'm glad you're still writing this. And it is getting interesting but I don't have any guess on what's coming up next right now. Maybe it's still too soon and I need some more plot points to have a more general idea (or maybe I just need to read again the first three chapters and see if I missed something!)

Anyway, I hope to read more soon!

Author's Response: thanks! nah i'd be surprised if you could figure it out, i'm about to throw someone new your way. i'm hoping to update by the 23rd, so be ready!!

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Review #6, by LunaStellaCat  Every Beginning Starts With an End

31st December 2016:
Scintillated

This piece has a lot of characters. That either means you have a lot to flesh out or things might get lost in translation because there are a lot of characters in your basket. That might be something you can handle, but watch out for that. You may find one or two or perhaps three that you favor and the others will go by the wayside.

Here's what I would do. Many writers do this. Ask yourself which of these characters are filler and which are important? Why are they important? What do they contribute, if anything to the piece? Usually you want this to be more than space, or banter, or a plot twist. You could argue that this becomes clearer in future chapters. They may. It's better to have a few strong players than a wayward cast to fill your stage.

The nickname thing? That's a pet peeve of mine. The Marauders had nicknames for a reason. In fanfiction, it could be argued that those are overused because Marauders address themselves by their actual names. "Scorp" takes away from the power of that boy's name, and forgive me, it rather makes him sound childish here. How old are these characters?

The idea of the party is an interesting idea. Personally, and you have to keep in mind the fued has been there for ages, I don't see the onlookers being SO overtly scandalized about the status and friendships. It's a new thing you mention in your story, sure, but that's bern going on forever. How dare a pureblood befriend someone else? It simply wouldn't be that over the top. Do you see what I mean here?

Readers can read emotion into a puece if you right it strongly enough. There are places where the relationship between Ilsa and Malfoy seemed forced beyond forced. Readers will get there on their own to read emotion. The banter drags on a bit here and there.

An OC should not be special simply because she's so far left or right from the others in the story. She needs to fit into the Harry Potter world and live in the world she fell into, not the world crafted to accomadate her. That was a lesson it took me a long time to understand. Isla immediately jumps to the dramatic conclusion she might have been switched at birth? She needs to fit into the world; the originals do not exist to accommodate her.


The piece itself is a good idea. If you focused more on the character and the inner struggle and less on the banter and drama, this would be a stronger piece,

LSC

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! This is super helpful - I'll have to go back and look at their relationship again. And no, Isla actually is adopted; as of now, it's just a tidbit mentioned in the story, but later on it'll play an important part. Again, thank you so much!! I'm going to do my best to include your advice in the rest of my writing :)

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Review #7, by putitonpaper The Planning Type

28th November 2016:
I'm happy you updated!

I'm thinking that Al and Isla will discover that there was someone else at the park with Nicola that ended up murdering her. (Admittedly, this is wishful thinking cause obviously I don't want it to be either of them). OR, could this be a self-defense thing OR someone at the party dumped Avery's body at the park (to frame Isla and Scorpius?).

As you can see, I'm such a fan of mysteries so I'm very much looking forward to the rest of your story. Please update soon :).

Author's Response: THIS IS SO LATE i'm so sorry, but for your guesses - who knows?? :) and thank you so much! the mystery's only going to get deeper from here, just wait until you read the next chapter. thank you so much for reviewing, i appreciate it so much!!

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Review #8, by Violet Potter 434 The Planning Type

27th November 2016:
OMG I cant believe they've put Scorp in prison!well I can but still!

Teddy is an ex student right ? or am it wrong?

I LOVE how the plots looking so far and cant wait to read more so keep writing for moi!


from me xxx

Author's Response: but have they actually? ;)
and yup, most wizards in britain have graduated from hogwarts.

thanks so much for reviewing! the next chapter's in the queue :)


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Review #9, by Felpata Lupin Hear Me Roar

5th November 2016:
Review tag (as promised)!

Uh oh. I sort of expected something like this to happen... well, not exactly this way, especially I didn't expect Teddy to be the one to arrest Scorpius (it had to be Scorpius, because of the story summary). But it creates that addictional tension that I "enjoy" (I always found sort of cool that Scorpius and Teddy are related on the Black side, always wondered if Narcissa and Andromeda tried to mend fences after the war... but I'm digressing...)

So, Nicola Avery wasn't the nicest of people (not surprised), Isla's friends aren't very good friends (not really surprised either) and Isla is really convinced that she killed the girl (Isla is a bit crazy, honestly...)

Also, new characters. I'm curious to see all the dynamics among everyone. At the moment, I really like Audrey. She is funny and lighthearted, which is good in the see of angst all around. :P Plus, a Quidditch fanatic (not surprised by that one either, seeing her surname) and I enjoy the occasional Quidditch fanatic. ;)

You managed to close the chapter in cliffhanger again... didn't I just tell you that I don't like cliffhangers? Ah, well... guess I'll forgive you, just for this time...

I'll leave for now. Good job at keeping me on my toes. ;)

Love,
Chiara

Author's Response: what really happened to scorpius though? he's going to get his time to shine later on in the story - and the whole teddy thing was an accident LOL i forgot they were related

If I'm being honest, I think everybody in the story is crazy :) ESPECIALLY Audrey. trust me, later on in the story, everybody will be missing her Quidditch craziness :)

I'm 99% sure cliffhangers are the only way i know how to end the chapter - the next one is one as well.

Thank you for reviewing!


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Review #10, by Felpata Lupin Every Beginning Starts With an End

5th November 2016:
Hello, Rikki!
Here with your requested review! (Finally... sorry this took a while...)

Uh oh... a murder... right where they'd spent the night, drunk... this can't bode well... such a cliffhanger to close your chapter on. I don't like cliffhangers. I hate you people when you do this. :P

But let's go with order...

Okay, I think it was interesting that you started off with murder, even if it was only a joke there. You sort of set the theme from the very beginning and give a sort of circularity to the chapter that I really liked.

I also have to say, the Greengrass cousins seem like an interesting bunch. :D There is the snooty Pureblood, the rebellious Gryffindor, the just plain weird Potter lover... Ahahah! I so enjoy it! And I really liked how Scorpius and Isla are sort of outcasts in the Pureblood circle and very close to each other as a result of that. And of having grown up together, of course... I love the relationship they have. :D

Albus and Scorpius' friendship seems quite interesting as well, they are clearly very close. Also, Albus seems quite the little rebel himself. I like that, I think. ;)

I must confess, I was a bit consufed by your dialogue, meaning I couldn't always understand who was talking to who. Maybe adding a few more dialogue tags could help?

Mmmh... now I'm really curious to know what happens next. Guess I'll move to the next chapter now... ;) (and I'll tag you while I'm at it, because I'm a horrible person... :P)

See you in a bit!
Chiara

Author's Response: Thank you for the critique! Thanks - it was kind of an accident, but I'll just pretend I did it on purpose.

The Greengrass cousins are interesting. And important :D And thanks - I love their relationship too, if I'm being honest ;)

Thanks! You're not the first one who said that - when I go and edit, I'll make sure to add them.

Thank you so much for reviewing!


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Review #11, by putitonpaper Every Beginning Starts With an End

31st October 2016:
“like, b*, do you know who I am?” — this might be my favorite chapter of a fan fiction on here simply because of this line. I’m so mad at myself for not incorporating in my own fanfics in some way, shape, or form. Bravo. The reactions of “Gryffindor Nott” and “Says the person who’s best friends with a Potter” - terrific. Instead of quoting your entire chapter back to you, I’ll say this — the dialogue = amazing hilariousness.

I’ve never thought about shipping Nott with Astoria’s sister. Very cool.

Woah, and the ending. It’s all about the ending, of course. Well done. So excited to see what you do with this!

Author's Response: thank you so much!! i'm particularly proud of that first line, it is penelope burke personified. honestly i just made up another greengrass sibling, because... why not? thanks again for the wonderful review!

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Review #12, by the_brunetteWeasley2206 Every Beginning Starts With an End

31st October 2016:
LOVED IT! I'm very bored of reading only James/OC humor stories (a little hypocritical from someone who writes them but oh welll) and I'm so glad I found this one the way you right is so refreshing and it had me hooked from the first sentence you have a wonderful gift and story going on here and I can't wait to read more! What happened at the park!? Update soon!

Author's Response: aaah thank you so much!! (and omg i read your James/OC and loved it!! i was on mobile and didn't have a chance to review :( ) and don't worry, this is definitely not a james/oc considering that james sirius isn't even in it oops. but thank you so much, and you'll see ;) the next chapter is in the queue!!

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Review #13, by dreamgazer220 Every Beginning Starts With an End

24th October 2016:
Hello my dear! I'm here with your requested review.

So first of all, your summary and first line are amazing. They both drew me right into the story, and that along with your dialogue made this very easy to read, which I like :) The dialogue felt really natural, especially between Isla and Scorpius, and then you threw Al into the mix as well. I liked that you could tell Isla and Scorpius had known each other just by the stories they shared and how comfortable they seemed around each other.

I can tell I'm going to like Isla already. I love her humor and her voice is fairly strong in this first chapter. Some of her lines had me cracking up! And I can't wait to see her interactions with Rose, and I also love how upfront Isla is about herself and all of the other people. Bluntness in characters is one of my favorite characteristics. And it's also interesting that she's a Gryffindor Nott! I'm curious about that. And I'm also curious about the line someone - I think it was Albus - mentioned about her looking like her parents. I wonder if there's a connection? Either way, I'm intrigued!

I'm digging this vibe between Isla/Scorpius/Albus. I can't wait to see what you do with this later on.

AND THE END! I LOVE how you paralleled the first paragraph with the second to last line. I really want to know what happened because they had obviously been drinking and now there's murder, and we don't even know if Isla remembers anything! WHAT HAPPENED? (Guess I'll have to keep reading to find out...)

So, you asked about setting up the story. I think it sets it up well! You established what I'm assuming are the main relationships - Isla, Albus, and Scorpius - and gave us a hint to Isla's background. The cliffhanger in the end definitely goes back to your summary to kick the action off, and it was great to see the main trio together. I wonder how the end is going to effect their relationships?

My only real bit of CC for you is this: maybe a little more description? It doesn't have to be a lot - as I myself am not a fan of long, poetic description in novels - but just a little more to paint the picture. You did a great job of this in the beginning with the gala, but I wanted to see just a little more when they got to the park.

Also, if the three of them are talking, it might be good to add a few more dialogue tags just to clear up the confusion. I could follow along fine, but it did get a little vague in some parts. Mostly here:

“James Potter has weird ears.”

There was a beat of silence. And then:

“A weird face too, quite honestly. Don’t know what girls see in him.”

“No wonder people don’t like the pair of you, you two are cuckoo.”


Otherwise, great job! You have a very intriguing story on your hands and I'm curious to see what you do with it!

Thanks for the request!

♥Jill

Author's Response: hi! thanks for reviewing so soon after i requested it!! it makes me super happy that you liked it. and albus said that she doesn't look like her parents, because she's adopted. but will that be important? i don't know ;)) guess you'll just have to keep reading to find out! and thank you for the CC, i will definitely try to include more description in future chapters, and clear up all the dialogue.

thank you so much for the great review!


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Review #14, by PaulaTheProkaryote Every Beginning Starts With an End

21st October 2016:
Hi lovely, I’m Paula! I'm here for HPFT's Werewolf vs. Vampire reviewing event for HPFT Team Werewolf Review!

First and foremost, what a well written story summary to draw in the readers! I’m a huge sucker for next gen and mysteries so this story is doubly enticing for someone like me!

The very first line was absolutely hilarious. I can't even imagine how exhausting a pureblood gala would be. Also Penelope is almost a female early Draco which makes me love/hate her so much more.

I think it's funny that she decided to settle for the annoying prattling since there wasn't much of a friend selection. This brings me to wonder what in the world was the Nott's disgrace? Was it her? Oh! You answer that a moment later ignore my rambling. A Gryffindor Nott is certainly something of a disgrace (almost as bad as a Gryffindor Black). I wonder if she has a similar rocky homelife.

I think you’ve definitely nailed the humor in your story. I laughed out loud (not just that breathy exhale through the nose thing that I usually do) several times. Your dialogue also flows very naturally. It’s a breeze to read through which isn’t always the case.

I really, really want to see some serious Rose and Isla interactions. I live for drama and I have a feeling there will be plenty abound.

“Albus just happened to be here.” SUUURE Scorpius, Sure. We totally believe you. Also Scorpius is such a peacekeeping problem solver. I'm in love. He's my precious baby. Keep writing him.

I really, really love the entire park scene and interaction between Albus/Scorpius/Isla. I think they have really interesting character dynamics and I can’t wait to see you develop and grow each of the characters.

AHHH, what happened? MURDER? You’ve built a lot of suspense and mystery here and I really can’t wait for you to post the next chapter and tell us what in the world is going on!

Author's Response: hey! thank you so much for the wonderful review - it's funny that you mentioned my humor, because i really didn't try to make it funny, but i looked back on it and realized that it had gotten more lighthearted! and thank you so much, i can't wait to develop them all more. and the next chapter's going up asap ;) again, thank you so much for reviewing!

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Review #15, by Ameera  Every Beginning Starts With an End

21st October 2016:
Well well .. This story is certainly very interesting ! I love it !
Everything is amazing, the characters, the beginning of the plot, the end.. Just incredible !
I can't wait to read more ! Good job !

Author's Response: thank you so much!!

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