Reading Reviews for The Element of Surprise
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane Chapter 3 - Transformations

25th August 2016:
*laughs at Dumbledore having to be cryptic about everything* That is VERY much in character. His words do seem to imply there's something more to Sophia than he's revealing though, that there is some reason not to tell Harry beyond the fact that it is YET MORE tragedy, beyond "both your parents died in the war and all your grandparents died when your parents were barely out of school and your godfather is in prison for involvement in your father's murder and an evil wizard is determined to kill you."

You're missing an inverted comma at the beginning of McGonagall's explanation as to why Harry wasn't told. The first couple of sentences of that are also a bit awkward. It might sound better to say something like, "after everybody you'd lost, we thought it better not to introduce any more relatives you'd never meet. I'd did once ask Professor Dumbledore if Sophia should be mentioned to you, but..."

Poor Sophia. That is a really horrendeous amount of bad news to take in at once. I'm sure she knew when she was at Hogwarts that they were all in danger, but you don't expect your brother and his wife AND two of his friends to all die young and your parents to die before you turn 25.

All that stuff about erasing her from people's memories is quite mysterious. I'm guessing there was something traumatic about her disappearance and the teachers felt students shouldn't have to deal with that on top of living during a war. So the question is WHAT exactly was so strange about her disappearance?

I like the way you have them discussing whether or not Sophia should go back to Hogwarts. I was guessing she would and was hoping it wouldn't just be taken for granted, as 6th and 7th year aren't even compulsory. The idea that there is something she needs to learn both makes sense and hints at, as Albus says, something they are not being told.

You've written "I think you should so your nephews..." I presume it should be "show your nephews."

I REALLY like the fact that Sophia makes it clear that it's her choice whether or not to return to school. She is legally an adult in the wizarding world, after all.

And I like McGonagall's comment at the end which gives us some insight into Albus's character.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I'm sorry for my horrible grammar, it has always been a flaw of mine. As well I'm getting the impression that I should proof read more and will try my best in the up coming chapters.

I'm extremely happy that you are enjoying the story and all the details and mystery I'm putting into it. I promise that everything gets explained eventually!!!


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Review #2, by MargaretLane Finding Answers While Creating More Questions

25th August 2016:
OK, I'm guess Sophie is the girl in the crystal ball and she seems to be in some kind of trouble. This really DOES raise more questions - how he is seeing her, what kind of trouble she is in...

When Albus says, "I don't know what happened, Dad," "Dad" should have a capital letter, as he is using it as a title and there should also be a comma before it and another after it. Similarly, there should be a comma after James in the next line.

James has a sister? And she's somehow been transported into Albus's era? Poor girl. She's going to get some shock when she hears what eventually happened to her brother. Though I guess she will be glad to know Voldemort was eventually defeated. Her teenage years were probably blighted by him, depending on her exact age.

That part about how she is 17 and turns of age in May is kind of confusing as if she's seventeen, she's already of age. Did you mean "I came of age in May."

Oooh, missing for 46 years. *tries to work it out* Albus is presumably going into either his 6th or 7th year, so it is about 25 years after the final battle. That means she went missing about three years before Harry was born. I assume she was 17 when she went missing, which would make her very close in age to James, possibly a twin. Hmm.

Author's Response: So happy that you're paying attention to the details!

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Review #3, by MargaretLane Searching Through the Past

25th August 2016:
I really like the beginning of this story. It sends us right into the action rather than spending ages on background that can usually be incorporated anyway.

And it's quite atmospheric. All he's done is enter an attic, but there's already an indication of something creepy. And the piles of books and old things allow him to find quite a lot.

It should probably be "Blacks'" rather than "Black's" as there is more than one of them.

Hmm, the idea of him being able to boost his grade by doing a project seems a bit out of place. In the books, whether or not a student can take a subject for the N.E.W.T.S. depends on their grade in the O.W.L.S., which appear to be marked externally, so Professor Merriweather would have no say in it. Of course, it is possible they have moved to a continuous assessment system since Harry's day. Ireland was ATTEMPTING that for the Junior Cert. in the last couple of years, so perhaps the wizarding world is doing something similar. Or it is possible Professor Merriweather may allow those with poor O.W.L.S. to carry on with the subject if they do this project, but that still wouldn't really be boosting his grade.

I LOVE the fact that he wants to work in the Department of Intermagical Affairs. So many stories have him becoming an Auror and while there's nothing wrong with that, it's good to see a few other careers apart from Auror, Quidditch player, Healer and Hogwarts teacher.

I also really like the way this mystery seems to be set in train by something historical.

I also like the way you mention some relatively insignificant objects. Some writers just have the character go straight for the object of significance which always seems a bit rushed and unrealistic.

And ooh, this item DOES seem mysterious.

"Uncle's" should have an apostrophe in it.

I wonder who the girl is.

Really good first chapter. There's an amazing level of detail. I'm not a very descriptive author so I'm always impressed when somebody sets the scene so well.

Author's Response: Thank you once again for your multiple reviews, sorry that I am answering them backwards.

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Review #4, by Anonymous Muggle The Elemental Truth

3rd August 2016:
Hi! I'm really loving this! It's addictive and I wanted to read all six chapters before reviewing.

Awesome.

Lots of intrigue and mystery to sink our teeth into, and a sweet romance budding.

I feel like chopping some paragraphs into smaller pieces would add readability but that's all I'd suggest.

10/10.

Author's Response: Hi thank you so much for the review!
I will definitely work on the paragraph sizes.


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Review #5, by ppn1958 Chapter 5 - Haunted

25th July 2016:
I am really enjoying this story! You are doing an excellent job
and I can't wait for the next chapter! Hurry! LOL

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!! I am typing as fast as I can I promise!

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