7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Startafire Say a Prayer

16th April 2016:
Hello there!

I'd like to start of this chapter by saying I really like the way you structured this one shot. It was short but sweet and you really did compact it with as much detail as possible, this I applaud you on as you done it very well.

I'm very curious about Melinda, she seems like an interesting OC and if you were to explore her further then I would definitely read it!

Now the plot of this oneshot was really quite tragic. My heart went out to Ted for the pain and loss he had to be put through and to forget all about his family? that's horrible! you really have a way of connecting the reader to your characters!

The ending was perfect yet eerie. That last line made me shudder and want to know more!

Brilliant job and wonderful read!
Ella

Author's Response: Thank you for such a sweet review, Ella! So many are curious about Melinda. I hope to soon write about her. I'm glad you liked the story! - June

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Review #2, by NPE Moon and Back

15th April 2016:
Hi there,

Back with another review.

I think the disparate, scattergun nature of the father's dialogue worked really well, and you conveyed his insecurity and emotional discomfort in an appropriately poignant way.

Though there wasn't much descriptive detail spared on him, aside from a few of his actions, you conveyed his fragility in a respect that I found rather authentic.

You also set up the premise well. The protagonist of the story is almost a tunnel for the reader to crawl through and observe the nature of her father's crumbling emotional state.

There is a lot here to admire for sure.

Some nice turns of phrase in the dialogue, which was otherwise at times a bit functional, but kept true to the story.

My main bit of CC would be a lack of descriptive colour in the prose. It could have done with some more visceral imaginings.

Furthermore, I would love to have understood the subjective more. You are writing about a really difficult subject matter and you do a very good job. In my opinion, it would have been better if I had some understanding of her specific thoughts, or at the intangibles of the emotional states of the characters.

Here would be a case in point, this but below needed a more specific viewpoint and could have dne with maybe a more poetic, distinctive description:

"When she was eight, she happened upon her father napping in the sun room. His brows were furrowed, and eyes shut so tightly it scrunched his face funnily. He groaned and twitched too.

Around the age of nine during the end of summer, she found her father curled in a ball in a corner of his room. Every year this occurred and each year, she pushed it to the back of her head until now. After all, next year, she'll be a student of Hogwarts. She fancied herself mature. That and a baby sibling was coming soon."

The foundations of interesting prose exist in that segment but I feel more could be done with it.

I did like this a lot though so please don't think this is me trying to be really harsh or anything...

All in all, really thought provoking work. Keep it up :)

Nick

Author's Response: Thank you again for such a great review! I was actually afraid I wouldn't be able to get the feelings across. So, I'm glad that you were able to understand it. I do wish I could write with more details, and that's something I'm still working on. - June

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Review #3, by NPE Say a Prayer

10th April 2016:
Hello,

I liked a lot of what I read here, thanks for agreeing to the review swap. I have DM'ed my review because it didn't fit in the box.

Best,

Nick

Author's Response: Thank you again for such a long and detailed review!!!

June


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Review #4, by Leigh Say a Prayer

9th April 2016:
This story was kind of dark. I like that. It made me want to read more. I hope to see a sequel or something to this story. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I didn't know what to think before I read it. I will look at more of your writing in the near future.

Author's Response: Hi Leigh,

Thank you for reading my story! And I'm glad you liked it. I'm not sure if there will be a sequel to Ted's story, but there will be more of Melinda in the future.

:D June


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Review #5, by teh tarik Say a Prayer

27th February 2016:
Hello! I'm here for the February Hufflepuff Review Exchange, and I apologise for having left my review so late.

What a unique and utterly tragic story this is. The beginning was quite gloomy and dreary, and really set the scene for the kind of hopelessness that poor Ted has to suffer for god knows how long. I'll admit, I wasn't prepared for the level of violence that occurred while Ted was being attacked by Snatchers. It was hard to read, and I kept wincing and clutching my eye, but that's war. It's violent; it's horrible, and I'm glad you didn't shy away from it.

I also love the little details you added to really show Ted's plight, of how it's like to be constantly on the run. His gnawing hunger--the Ted we encounter at the beginning of DH has a happy home and wife and daughter, and to think that all that would be taken from him just because of his blood status is an awful, awful thing. The mention of his hunger was such a powerful image; it really heightened that sense of loss to me.

I'm curious about your OC Melinda! I think she's a very intriguing character, watching Ted (and him watching her in return), and I do hope you write more one-shots/chapters about her. It's interesting that she feels no connection to the Second Wizarding War, and I think this would be true to many of the Next Gen children...the war came before them; it would surely hold less significance to them than to their parents. And I love the hint of the story opening on All Souls Day; this is the first fic I've seen which mentions this day, and it would have been a very fitting day to remember those who have passed.

I think this is a wonderful start to your collection! I hope you keep adding more chapters, and I'm very glad to have got the chance to read this. You're a wonderful writer!

-teh

Author's Response: It wasn't as late as mine, so don't fret. Lol First of all, thank you for the review.

I love All Souls Day as it's a (small) tradition in my family. I'm happy to hear that the little details that I added didn't go unnoticed.

It's so strange to hear people tell me their curiosity towards Melinda. I do have a longer story where she's a Next-Gen main character, but just haven't gotten to posting it. I hope to do it sometime this year.

My response is all over the place right now. Lol

I knew from the get go that I had to be descriptive with Ted's suffering, and I knew that the violence would be the most important part of the story- at least it was for me. So, I definitely took it as a challenge and am glad that you liked it.

Just to add intrigue to Melinda... lol... she does suffer in a similar way as Ted.

Your review has resparked an excitement for my story that I kind of lost after joining HPFF (even though I joined somewhat for that story, amongst other things).

Again, thank you!
June


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Review #6, by LadyL8 To Theodore and Bianca

4th February 2016:
Hello Again, June!

Wow. This episode type of writing really works for you. You do it so well. It doesnít feel like randoms jumps in time, but like each episode have a meaning, they all add something to the whole story. Thatís really what I wish to see in stories with a structure like this, and youíve done it in both your chapters, so Iíve really started liking this way of writing already. Itís creative and really good!

I have to say you kind of broke my heart with this story. Like you, I was rooting for the two of them. It really felt like theyíd be a great couple, but then you twisted the whole thing around when we finally got to see his view on the same scenes weíd already seen from her POV. I could really feel Biancaís pain, and while I feel sorry for Theodore too, because heís obviously having deep issues himself, it doesnít excuse the way he treated her.

But that twist, that switch in POV, it was so effective, so powerful. It kind of reminded me of the book ęGone GirlĽ by Gillian Flynn, because that one too shows that every story has two sides. Sometimes they are somewhat the same, but other times they are completely different. Bianca falls in love with Theodore, so she doesnít really see the signs of this not being a good relationship until sheís in too deep. Itís sad to see, but very believable. And so creative. You really surprised me, even though I obviously knew they wouldnít end up together because this story is for the ęI donít love youĽ Challenge. Wow. That really was good! Keep up the good work, and I really hope to come back to read more of this in the future!

Lots of Love

Lotte

Author's Response: Thank you again for the multiple reviews!

Sometimes, I tell myself not to write the way I do, but it's just a style that I'm so used to writing that it comes out that way.

Thankfully, I was able to deliver the story well. Theodore's a jerk. Hahahaha. He should've really thought more about his actions. *shakes head*

Team Bianca, all the way. XD

I've never read Gone Girl (though I do, one day). It's interesting to hear that my story has some similarity in structure.

June


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Review #7, by LadyL8 Say a Prayer

4th February 2016:
Hello June.

I realized I never actually reviewed your story like I said I would, so I decided to leave you two reviews now to make up for it. It looks really good, and the summary and banner is just amazing. I canít wait to read it really, because my expectations are really high right now :)

I have to say that Iíve only read like three stories that have been structured the way youíve done it here - with episodes and jumps in time like this. Normally I find it difficult to follow, because I never feel like I really get any of the scenes completely - the author tends to jump in time a little too quickly. Here however, I actually think you nailed it. You showed us just enough to really set a scene, and then each jump in time really gave us a new piece of the puzzle. It was like we were peeling of layers to understand this boy, who Iím still not sure about the identity of (Iím guessing Ted Tonks because of the Snatcher-thing and the description and all that, but I could be way off), but itís like 3 AM when Iím writing this so that could possibly be the reason :P

I liked Melinda. Sheís a great OC. I find OCs so hard to write, because they have to believable, and very often they end up just being very Mary Sue-ish. You did great though. It just felt like she belonged in the HP-universe, and I believed in her character. I think her connection with the mystery guy, or Ted Tonks as I will refer to him from now on, is interesting. He has cleared had a traumatic experience (well, heís dead, so thatís very obvious), and if Iím right then itís interesting that he would bond with a Black (because Iím guessing Melinda is a part of the Black family), considering their dark reputation and their role in the wars. But then again, Andromeda was also a Black, and he loved her, so I guess I can imagine him seeing past the name alone.

I love the ending scene. That last sentence is such a good end sentence. It really has an effect, and I think you built up to it just enough. You didnít overdo it, you pretty much nailed the suspense. So I really loved this story. It was great, powerful and tragic, but great. Youíre a really good writer, June. Itís a shame more people havenít reviewed it, because I think you did amazingly for being so new to this site and all that. So good job! I loved it!

Lots of Love

Lotte

Author's Response: Thank you for the multiple reviews, Lotte!

I do so appreciate them. (Why did I just say it like that?? lol) It was such a treat coming back from my 2 month hiatus and reading your lovely reviews.

Yes, it's about Ted Tonks! I don't necessarily think that it was super important to have his name, so I just thought, let's just describe this man and see what people will think. I'm glad that it came across well enough.

I hope to write more with Melinda. I didn't think I wrote her that well, but I'm glad that you liked her! (It seems like another person did too.)

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it!!!
June


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