Reading Reviews for A Snake and a Lion 1
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by thehiddenface The Beginning of a Rivalry

23rd January 2016:
This was a great chapter! I really hope you update soon! -Elle

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Review #2, by Jayna The Beginning of a Rivalry

21st December 2015:
Hello and welcome to HPFF! I'm sure you will love it here! Anyway, I'm here to participate in an activity on the forums that spreads holiday cheer, the Advent Calendar (Day 21)!

Firstly, a prank war spanning 7 years? That sounds like something sure to be filled with more than a couple laughs and some interesting story lines. As you can imagine, with a first chapter so short, there's nearly nothing I can say because this is just an introduction, something to set the tone for the story. My favorite part was the second to last line, the one where the dad says how much Eve and James are alike.

I do also have a lot of questions that I hope you answer in the following chapters. First, how do Harry and Ginny know Oliver? Who is Sofia? Is the Carmichael family related to any canon characters in any way?

I also spotted some things that I have suggestions for. Firstly, Eve tells James that she didn't want him messing up her prank. What exactly was the prank he would have ruined? Eve and her dad left, and nothing really happened in the area where the stink bomb would have been activated. Next, you have a couple of typos and places where something is just a little bit off.

"...calling her name, but all she could think about was the new Firebolt 7000, that was supposed to come out today." You don't need the comma after 7000, it makes the sentence sound awkward and choppy.

"Ten times faster than the previous and a new handling system, the Firebolt 7000 was every quidditch player's dream." You need to add the word with between and and a. It should be "...previous and WITH a new handling system..."

"He was giving his daughter, Lily, a piggyback, while Ginny held Hugo's hand." Perhaps Ginny was taking care of Hugo for Hermione and Ron, but Albus is her child, whom you mention in your summary. If you would like this to be Ginny and Harry with their three children, Hugo should be Albus.

"Eve's hair quickly began to change into a deep crimso red as she looked at him." I believe you mean crimson red, not crimso?

"The two families departed ways, with James giving Eve a sour look." This should either be departed or parted ways, not departed ways.

"...Mr. Carmichael laughed and they walked into Weasleys'Wizard Wheezes." You need a space before Wizard.

There are more of these kinds of small errors, so I think that perhaps your story would benefit from another read through or a beta reader (a sort of proof-reader that you can request on the forums).

Overall, I think that if you continue with this idea it'll be a really fun read, and I hope I wasn't too critical of this first chapter. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just trying to help you make your story better. Anyway, welcome again and have a wonderful holiday season!

-jayna

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your feedback! I think I have fixed all the writing errors, but please tell me if I missed any.

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