Reading Reviews for The Shadows Within
  
59 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Yoshi_Kitten Prologue

19th April 2017:
Hello, RoxiMalfoy from the forums, here for CTF!! I'll be honest, I've been so out of it this entire competition. RL has just been crazy busy for me, like all year. So this is actually my first review for CTF. And I wasn't really quite sure where to begin, so I was just scrolling though the Review Request threads, looking for Ravenclaw stories to R&R. This one in particular grabbed my attention because it was a Marauders fic, and I am SO GLAD now that I clicked it!!!

WOW!! I mean, this is already off to an incredibly good start! I was holding my breath from the first paragraph. You really know how to build up the suspense!! Your characterization of Lord Voldemort is SO good. He is one of the most difficult characters for me to write, so I always really appreciate it when somebody does him justice like you have done here. I especially loved your attention to detail as you described the way that he entered the room. And then when he started talking, I was just as impressed. You've captured his speech really well too. Please teach me how you do this, haha!! ;)

And the very last paragraph was really well done also!! Just the thought that Voldemort views these younger witches and wizards as dispensable is so very much in character for him. It gave me chills - in a good way, mind you. It was just so creepy, and soÖ Voldemort. I absolutely loved it!! And now I really can't wait to see what you do with the other characters as well (Like, say, Sirius and James for exampleÖ) Honestly, this was SUCH a great prologue!! It definitely left me wanting to read more, which is exactly what a story intro should do, so props for accomplishing that!! =D

I can already tell that you have a really great writing style, and I already love the way that you handle your characters. I've been away from HPFF/HPFT for a while now, and this was such a nice read to come back to. It was a frightening chapter, mind you, but it was SO GOOD!! Which is just great, to be able to leave and come back after like a year or so of being MIA, and find something new and incredible like this to read. We just have so many talented people in our community, and I just love it. I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. I'll stop, lol!! IDK when I'll make it back, but I will definitely be reading more of this ASAP!!

~ Deana

 Report Review

Review #2, by Broadway Lion Chapter 9 - Saving Severus Snape

5th April 2017:
LION has not read from this era before. You are making an interesting and well written tale.

ROAR

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

 Report Review

Review #3, by leogirl10 Chapter 16 - New Year, New Class

9th March 2017:
I love this story!! Really good stuff, it is very believable. I only like to read stories that align best with J.K. Rowling's work. I really hope you continue publishing! I'm in for the long haul.

Author's Response: Thank you so much. That is truly one of the greatest compliments an HPFF author could get.

 Report Review

Review #4, by PaulaTheProkaryote Chapter 5 - A Proposition

27th December 2016:
Hello!

Okay. To be fair, they went a long time without pranking anyone. So. She should count that as a point to them. She didn't outright say she was against it so that's good enough, right?

The other day I drank a coke expecting it to be rootbeer and almost puked so I canít even imagine how weird/gross that prank would be.

There was so much potential for a food fight there. Ugh, hufflepuffs. Ruining all the fun. Lily would 100% suck the fun out of their pranks as Head Girl (at least the old Lily would), but really even with Remus assuring everyone he keeps them in check...does he really? Then that brings up what in the world kind of outrageous pranks he's nixing.

ďhe was insisting that the celebration for him be bigĒ of course he did, the diva.

Aurora is such a good friend. I love her the most.

THE PLOT THICKENS. I know that eventually Snape is going to get mixed up in the wrong crowds. I do. But at the same time thereís still this part of me trying to tell baby Snape not to do it! You can find new friends! Hufflepuffs are always looking for more people. The Claws will study with you! Donít do it!

I canít wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: I'm not good with unexpectedness in food either or gross things, but it does seem like something a teenage boy would find hilarious to do to his best friend. I have a hard time sticking in things like pranks or Quidditch that I would be no good at in real life, so hearing that you appreciate the effort means a lot.

Your feelings mimic mine on a lot of things so this makes me very happy. You get my baby! lol


 Report Review

Review #5, by PaulaTheProkaryote Chapter 4 - Gryffindor's Quidditch Team

27th December 2016:
Hello lovely!

Oh god, what a hard hitting start of the chapter. Of course Lily would be dragging in the morning after a night like that. I like that Lily didn't provide the false hope of lies to the girl though. I know it must be a temptation since honestly is surely the hardest to hear in a situation like that.

So far your story hasnít been overly dark which is another thing I like. Even in bleak periods like this thereís the whole life goes on mentality. Despite fear and the growing darkness, people would continue on with life and silly things like quidditch tryouts.

I LOVE THIS NERVOUS TWITCHY JAMES OH MY GOD HES SO CUTE.

And I love Peter and Remus like talking him up from the stands and being so supportive and gosh dang adorable. Thank you for not just skipping Peter too. That drives me mad.

I really enjoyed the tryouts overall, which is saying something because I have a bad habit of just skimming through quidditch scenes. I know, I know. Iím a horrible person

WHO DOES AURORA HAVE HER EYE ON. Dear Merlin, tell me itís not Regulus. Are we going to have Black family drama?

Author's Response: It is a tough line to walk, because I don't want to forget about the war and obviously they're fighting in it in less than 2 years but there's also all the fun high school drama and romance involved. James, for instance. He tries so hard to be charming and get on her good side but the nerves get the best of him at times. XD Peter being an idiot in stories or disappearing altogether is one of my pet peeves. Clearly he played a big role so I try to resist my inner commentary and make him seem normal enough.

That would be hilarious if it was Regulus! Sadly, not that dramatic. I believe it's chapter 7 were there's lots of talk of crushes and love and fluff.


 Report Review

Review #6, by PaulaTheProkaryote Chapter 3 - Sirius's Summer

27th December 2016:
Hello lovely!

Have I mentioned how much I like the Lily you've got going on? She's not a homework loving nut (Hermione reincarnate). It's just a better characterization to me.

I'm glad you made DADA mandatory. It definitely needs to be during times of war. Especially since kids tend to think of themselves as invincible. What does it say about a DADA professor who quit to hide for being muggleborn. Does that make Lily doubly brave? I think so.

Of course Lily would like Slug Club parties!

I liked the tenderness between James and Sirius when Sirius was upset. The whole cleaning up after him and going to calm him down thing. It was a very brotherly thing and just was nice development there!

I really like the slow fleshing out of the tension between Lily and Severus too. At some point sheís going to have to actually deal with him and I canít wait to see how you handle it!

One thing I really like about your writing is how much of the classwork is actually present. The way you describe it makes me want to sign up right this second! (letís be real I would no matter what but shhh)

Author's Response: Yes to Lily, the James/Sirius relationship, and DADA. I mean, I know every 16-year-old thinks they have things more under control than they do or that adults have rules for dumb reasons, but sometimes they need steering in the right direction. Thanks again for leaving such a sweet review. Definitely a good Christmas present!!

 Report Review

Review #7, by PaulaTheProkaryote Chapter 2 - The First Week

27th December 2016:
First things first! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I love your characterization of professors. Sometimes I read them as too formal (and condescending) or too casual and laid back (cool teacher on steroids), but you've really managed to have a nice, realistic portrayal of what a professor should be like. Kettleburn really comes across as like a Hagrid 2.0 and I totally love that. I wonder if Hagrid had Kettleburn. How long has Kettleburn been teaching? And no surprise that youíve totally nailed McGonagall in this chapter too!

Also the biology lesson behind lobalug had my nerd self squealing. I just love COMC. It's my jam.

I like Remus a lot too. (All of my thoughts are just going to be I LIKE INSERT ANYTHING. A little bit snarky, but also still sweet. A good combination.

Liv's ghost frog had me dying too. I love transfiguration so much. Those poor animals though.

It was a good entry chapter! Good flow through the busy days in class and it had enough action to keep the classes from being monotonous. Most importantly, I really like the dynamic youíve set up between James and Lily. Sheís already starting to question why she still has a problem with him (even if itís by trying to find a new reason now that Severus isnít the obvious reason) and I consider that progress. Aurora will drag her into it somehow, Iím sure of it!

Author's Response: I figure Kettleburn had to be at least a bit into dangerous things since he was missing limbs by the time he retired! I'm glad you liked my characterizations (because otherwise that would be bad in a novel!). And maybe somebody needs to get a job thinking of the poor animals.

Happy holidays and thanks for taking so much time to review this!


 Report Review

Review #8, by Zandie Chapter 13 - The Doe, the Lions, and the Eagles

25th December 2016:
Excellent! A lovely read.

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and reviewing.

 Report Review

Review #9, by PaulaTheProkaryote Chapter 1 - Hogwarts Again

13th December 2016:
Hello lovely!

I apologize for being so late! As you might see from my tweets, I've been having to deal with some issues with my thesis (namely an advisor who is avoiding me). I think it's temporarily resolved so I'm back to living in my online world! Oh, and thank you so much for the reviews on my baby Rumor Has It! I think you're quickly becoming my favorite person!

Okay so the prologue was good, but the meat of the story is even better!

I like the way you've written Lily. Her characterization, while staying true to the Lily we know and love, is unique enough that I had to pause and admire this version of her. A lot of times she's portrayed as this eager-beaver Hermione on steroids kind of character, but you've strayed from that and it gives her a lot of dimension. This whole not liking September second is wholly unique to your story from all that I've read. I know it's minor, but it's significant to me.

I particularly like the relationship between Aurora, Lily, and Claire. (and I love Aurora the most of the two other girls).

I also love that you took the time to give Peter a voice. I eyeroll so hard at any story that just automatically writes him away.

MASSIVE KUDOS on McGonagall. Holy Guacamole did you capture her voice.

Oh I so love the idea of Sirius wanting to be a Muggle/Muggleborn rights activist. I like it even better than the auror trope. And I've definitely never read it before! While on the subject, wow, I love your Sirius too. This entire review is just going to be me harping on and on about characterization.

WHAT WILL SNAPE USE THE LIQUID LUCK FOR OMG THE LITTLE SNEAKY SNAKE.

Oh James. I love James. What a sweet ending to the chapter.

Author's Response: No problem, real life (sadly) gets in the way sometimes. I'm glad you liked the characterizations in this! There is so much to introduce and I have clear ideas for canon characters, but you're right that they're a bit different from what you see all the time. I figure there has to be sort of lobbyists/lawyers and some other magical equivalents, so some characters have those sorts of jobs planned vs all being Ministry workers and the like. And I'm glad you like her friends! I have a soft spot for Aurora to since she's been around for a long time. I'm pretty sure it's the next chapter with more McGonagall, if you're interested. ;)

 Report Review

Review #10, by PaulaTheProkaryote Prologue

9th December 2016:
Hello lovely!

I knew I was going to love this story from the summary. The prologue definitely did not disappoint!

This prologue brought a lot of random tangents up in my mind which really aren't of any actual importance but I'm kind of amazed I've never asked these questions before. The one that's bothering me most now is where in the world did Voldemort live? Like all of his meetings were in other people's homes (like in your own story), but was he couch surfing? Did he have a place? Did you keep it secret for security? How could he afford his own place? (okay, I'm done now).

As for your particular story, I really did love the prologue. For starters, I do believe that it would be exactly what Voldemort would do. It's easy to duel to your own level of talent, but what would be a challenge is to change the way people in general perceive your cause and most importantly to get them to take your side. Kids are definitely easiest to manipulate and if their peers say it's the right thing to do it'd be easier to fully embrace...the dark side.

I really like your characterizations in this snippet too. The Dark Lord himself seems just the right amount of formal without being too overbearing to read.

I'm worried about Avery (which is silly because we know what he ends up like) and I'm wondering if Regulus is there. I can't remember his age in relation to Avery, but I'm sure his parents wouldn't be terribly put off by the whole thing.

I do love Jily above all else and sixth year gives them the perfect room to grow without pesky exams in the way. I seriously can't wait for the next chapter and I'm glad you pointed me in this direction!

Author's Response: Hello! The fist point is actually one I never thought of... what would Voldemort's day-to-day life and the minutia be? That could either be very dark or very funny.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. =) It's true about some of these characters: you know what choices they make but you want things to turn out better.

Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #11, by Kristina1990 Chapter 13 - The Doe, the Lions, and the Eagles

7th December 2016:
Heya! Well, I certainly hope you have more chapters prepared, because I would like to know what happens next!

Author's Response: Thank you. I have a few more chapters written that just need a few tweaks so I hope to have the next one up in a week or so after I finish a one-shot I'm working on. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 Report Review

Review #12, by Shannon Chapter 12 - A Sluggish Halloween Party

5th October 2015:
I hope you keep writing!!

Author's Response: Thank you!

 Report Review

Review #13, by MadiMalfoy Prologue

15th July 2015:
Hi! I'm over from the forums with the review you asked for about six weeks ago! :)

Since you asked for just a general review, I'll touch on everything briefly.

You've done a great job setting up what I'm sure is going to be quite the dark story with this prologue! It's a nice length as well--it's not too short so we feel like something is missing, but it's also not too long so we feel like there's too much information given already. I really like your premise for this, I can already tell it's going to be quite the mystery and adventure.

With Voldemort's characterization, you've got him down pretty well so far. The intimidation factor is SO there and I love it! His movements and words and thoughts are so logical and straightforward and you capture that perfectly! His reasoning is sound and the way the other characters react to him give the reader the right perception of his persona. Voldemort's got this sort of eerie super calm demeanor and with the dialogue and body movements you give him it is apparent and there and that is a very cool thing!

Overall, a great start to what I'm sure is going to be a great First War fic. However you pull in the Marauders will be very well done, I'm sure of it! Please feel free to come back for more at any time! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for taking a peek at the start of this story. I appreciated all of your comments, especially about Voldemort's characterization. He is such an intimidating character to write so hearing that I did him justice makes me very happy. I'm glad you like the tone and are willing to continue on if I re-request. Thanks again! =)

 Report Review

Review #14, by scintillated Chapter 3 - Sirius's Summer

3rd July 2015:
I canít even begin to talk about how late this is! Iím so sorry about the delay, but hopefully I can make it up to you with this review. Overall, I think that this is a really great beginning to your story, and I canít wait to read more!

Iíll start with the prologue. Thereís not much to say about it, as it was quite short-however, I do feel that the length of it was perfect! I especially loved the tone of it- the words you used gave it a regal feeling, one of formality and it was so death eater- like. I also really like how you kept using ďDark LordĒ instead of Voldemort, even when you were describing him- it added to the whole ďdeath eaterĒ theme that you had created. The prologueís ending was suspenseful, and it really made me want to keep reading, to see what was next!

In chapter one, there was one thing that stood out to me from the beginning.

ĒďRemus sat on Lilyís left while the other three boys sat by Claire on the other side of the table.Ē

This quote really seems to show Lilyís relationship with the Marauders. She gets along with Remus, something Iíve seen and can understand. However, it shows that she also gets along with the other three, something I havenít seen as often, and really enjoy, as itís refreshing to see a story where Lily doesnít abhor James, doesnít loathe James and Sirius with every fiber of her being. Also, it kind of has an underlying message that Lily gets along with Remus the most, but her friends also get along with the Marauders. I also like how later on in the chapter, you show that she's not in one giant friend group with them, which in some cases I've found to be quite cheesy (but can be well written), but that she has friends that are friends with the four. They respect each other, without James fawning over Lily, Lily spitting in James' face, and Sirius acting like a total goof.

One quick thing that I have to point out is that you wrote that James was taking "Ancient Ruins"- I wasn't exactly sure if that was a class you made up, or if you meant Ancient Runes? I hope it doesn't sound too nitpickety, but I was just curious.

In this chapter, we read a lot about Aurora- she seems a little bit two dimensional in the way that she's a bit lazy, not that intelligent, is likeable, friendly. However, this is just the beginning of the story, and she has plenty of room for development later on! In Chapter 2, we learn even more about her, and from what I've seen, the fact that she starts out the slightest bit like this just gives her the chance to grow.

One quote that also really loved in this chapter was this:

ďShe and Severus had always had a kind of playful competition when it came to Potions. She knew that it would continue, but the playfulness had disappeared from it.Ē

I feel as if this describes hers and Severus' relationship so well. After Snape called her a Mudblood, she was obviously hurt, yet Snape kept trying to become friends again. In a way, the way that they continue doing their sort of competition seems a bit hopeful on Severus' part, that this would help them become friends again. I feel like for Snape, it is still friendly, but it's definitely not for Lily. It also shows how they were competitive before, and how it just escalated.

Overall, chapter one was an amazing start to your story, and while we don't really get to know much about Pippa and Naomi and Claire, I know that they're definitely more explored later on!

Chapter two- in this chapter, I love how the students nickname Professor Kettleburn "Pirate"! It's so typical of teenagers to do something like that and it added a touch of something that readers could relate to. We also get to learn more about Pippa and Liv, and they both really look like they have a great reach to develop. I'm really excited to see how they grow! I also really love how in this chapter, you expanded a bit more about how James and Lily treat each other, and again, there's a balance between them. It seems so realistic and easy to imagine them getting together eventually, and I love how you've started to show a bit of that development with James saying, "please".

In chapter three, one thing I noticed was that by gleaning more details about Aurora, we definitely start to see her as more dimensional! And in this chapter, I loved how you included all of the things about class. I know how you added the extra section about the DADA teachers leaving after a year, and I think that was definitely worth putting- it just added more realism and a bit of mystery to the story. That would be something that a lot of teens would gossip about, and discussing it here makes Hogwarts feel more like a school full of teenagers and less of a school full of students (there really is a difference! :P ) Mentioning DADA, the bit about how the subject was now required for all seemed off at first, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like something that could happen. Dumbledore seems like the type of person who'd want his students to know how to protect themselves, and the classes would definitely help them somewhat. Relating to your AOC, the other part that was added- the fleshed out conversation- really helped me to understand Naomi a bit more! Without knowing that bit about what she talks about, that she has a younger brother- well, she didn't seem like much of an important friend of Lily's and wasn't really fleshed out. But this conversation helped me to get her a bit more.

One last bit that I have to add is that I really love how you nail a lot of people's way of saying and actions! Two parts that really stood out to me were when Professor McGonagall spoke to Sirius after he asked about Aurora's grades in chapter two, and in this chapter, Sirius's reaction to when Lily mentioned Regulus.

This was such an amazing read, and I really loved it! Feel free to re-request anytime (jily's my fave!) ♥︎

still apologizing about the delay,
-rikki ☼

Author's Response: Hi Rikki! Sorry it has taken me so long to get around to replying to your review.

Thank you for taking the time to read so much of the story. I was not expecting you to read the prologue and the first four chapters, so it was a pleasant surprise. I definitely think you got a better take of my story telling style and the plot this way and all your comments were great to read.

One thing I have to say is "Ancient Ruins" was 100% supposed to be "Ancient Runes" lol. I do think that an archaeology style course would be interesting but that was a typo that slipped by me (and plenty of others!!) to this point.

Thank you for so many positive comments and taking the time to get so far into the story. =)


 Report Review

Review #15, by SunshineDaisies Chapter 12 - A Sluggish Halloween Party

12th June 2015:
House Cup 2015 Hufflepuff

EXCELLENT! I am so impressed by the story you're spinning here. You're doing a really wonderful job of incorporating the war where it might otherwise be left out entirely. And the way you're doing it is so realistic! Of course there are students who want to join Voldemort already, I think that tends to happen in wartime. Having Voldemort use that to his advantage is so appropriate. The army recruits high schoolers because adolescents are much easier to indoctrinate. Surely Voldemort would know this as well. Of course he'd want to recruit students.

And of course having students under his command gives him a presence in Hogwarts. He's got a foothold, and that gives him the power to act at Hogwarts indirectly. I'm so excited to see where that goes! I know you know my FAVORITE part of these stories is the war aspect and you're doing such a wonderful job with it! I'm so excited for more.

Not only have you included the war, but you've also struck a really great balance between war and everyday teenage life. Lily has to deal with the news about Muggles being killed and Death Eaters infiltrating Hogwarts, but she can also sit with her friends and have her hair braided. The war is present, but not all consuming. It's a hard balance to obtain, definitely and it makes this story so unique and enjoyable!

I hope you're having a great time with the House Cup, and that you write more soon!:)

Author's Response: Thank you! Writing about people who are essentially brainwashed into being child soldiers for the risks they're willing to take is tough, but Voldemort is clearly terrible enough that he would pursue that course of action. And achieving a foothold in Hogwarts would be so beneficial for him in the future that he is willing to dedicate a lot of time to establishing one, even if young adults are not the best at making judgement calls (or perhaps BECAUSE they are not the best at making judgement calls). This is definitely something that continues to come up so positive comments about it are nice to hear.

Thanks so much for this review and for taking the time to read & comment on nearly 50,000 words of this story! =)


 Report Review

Review #16, by SunshineDaisies Chapter 11 - Flying Lessons

12th June 2015:
House Cup 2015 Hufflepuff

THE FLUFF! MY HEART FEELS ALL WARM AND FUZZY NOW.

Definitely a good call to throw this in at this point. It was a nice change of pace from everything else that's been going on the last few chapters. And is Jily fluff ever a bad call? No. No it is not.

I really enjoyed reading this one on one interaction between them. I think it captured the sort of awkward kind-of-but-not-really friendship they've got going on. They're getting along, but it's clear they don't know the other person very well. They're still figuring out their boundaries and things aren't going to go super smoothly right away. Regardless, they're both still willing to try, and that's the important part here.

The way you're progressing James and Lily's relationship is beautiful. It's going at a very natural, normal pace, which is so nice to read. People don't just go from unfriendly acquaintances to lovers over a few months. There's got to be a friendship that develops first, and it's so nice to read that in fiction. (I'm also a HUGE fan of friendship first relationships so I really do LOVE what you've got going on here.)

Really great job here! :)

Author's Response: I agree: Jily fluff is never a bad call. And when it can be all cute and awkward? I just couldn't resist. After the drama of the last couple chapters and the upcoming drama around Halloween (and in a couple of the chapters I've written rough drafts for coming up soon) it felt necessary to have a bit of fluff.

I'm glad you like the relationship progression and the awkward, trying to figure each other out aspect of this. I tried to put myself into the shoes of 16-year-old me for this so I'm glad it paid off.

As ever, thank you! Hearing so many positive comments from somebody who has written a story I love is really encouraging and makes me want to FINALLY get the next chapter sorted out.


 Report Review

Review #17, by SunshineDaisies Chapter 10 - Secrets and Fears

12th June 2015:
House Cup 2015 Hufflepuff

Aah, another lovely chapter! I really enjoyed reading Lily's reaction to all this. This event is pretty significant for her as well. It allows us to see more of her kindness, and it helps her grow and develop as well. I'm so glad she immediately understood why James had brushed off her detention, and even more glad she resolved to apologize! It seems like this is going to be a pretty pivotal moment in their relationship, and I'm SO excited for them to start being actual friends. They've got good chemistry already, and Lily doesn't even like talking to him, so it's bound to get even better!

I was surprised to see how quickly things between the boys seemed to start resolving themselves. Again, I think you could've drawn it out a bit to create more drama and interest, but I imagine doing that would be rather difficult from Lily's perspective. I'm still hopeful to see a bit more!

The plot has been progressing really nicely throughout the last few chapters. I think you've struck a good balance between plot development and character development. The plot is moving quite quickly, but we're still learning about and getting to know the characters pretty well too. I'm very excited to see how it goes forward from here!

Good work!

Author's Response: Hello again Katie. =) You hit the nail on the head: this is an important moment for Lily and James's friendship because she sees just what he is willing to do for his friends and that she may have been a bit harsh on him.

I think you brought up a good point about rushing - by powering through time without focusing much on it, it can seem a bit rushed. I may go back and add a bit to this when I finally finish the next chapter up to help with pacing a bit.

I'm glad to hear that you feel like there is a good balance of plot & character development! With a big cast and a lot going on with them and the war it was definitely a concern of mine.

Thanks for sticking all the way through Chapter 10! =)


 Report Review

Review #18, by SunshineDaisies Chapter 9 - Saving Severus Snape

12th June 2015:
House Cup 2015 Hufflepuff

OH MY GOD. That came up so quickly! I was totally

I don't even know what I was but I was not expecting this chapter to be "the prank!" (I mean I was after I read the title, but you know)

I think this is very well done! It's another scene that's been done a lot, so there's always the possibility for it to seem a bit trite. That was not at all the case here! It seemed original and true to character. And actually, I'm not sure I've ever read a story in which the entire scene is actually played out. It's very difficult to describe all of that, so props to you for tackling it!

I do think you could've created a bit more suspense here, which would've added a little more kick to the chapter. (I think drawing it out over two chapters would really up the suspense, as would making "the reveal" a little more dramatic.) That said, I was definitely excited reading this chapter! I was on the edge of my seat and my heart was racing and I ended up reading too fast, so I think it works well the way it is too. Just some food for thought :)

Author's Response: I have to laugh that you said it came up quickly when it's chapter 9 (10, including the prologue) but I totally know what you mean. I feel like I'm not getting places as fast as I wanted to!

I'm glad you don't mind this being in 6th year. I re-read DH after writing this and feel like it's a possibility that this happened while Lily & Severus were still friends but I felt like this was necessary to character building & future development and wasn't strictly anti-canon so I had to leave it.

Ah, suspense... action scenes are totally not my forte so tips on that are much appreciated. You have been doing such a good job at action/adventure that I will definitely take your comments into consideration. =) Thanks so much for powering through this.


 Report Review

Review #19, by SunshineDaisies Chapter 8 - Slipping Back

12th June 2015:
House Cup 2015 Hufflepuff

MORE PATRONUSES!!! I'm so pleased! I'm excited to see that plot develop. I want to know how Lily reacts when she finds out what her patronus is!

I particularly enjoyed the first paragraph of this chapter. Of course Sirius planning his birthday would be a staple of fall. What else would anyone expect? (And I have to admit I enjoy that because I start planning for my birthday months in advance and people seem to think it's self centered or something ;) )

Excellent call on the POV switch! Occasionally those can be a bit jarring, especially when you introduce them later in the story, but I think this one worked very well. We needed to see James's perspective, because seeing Lily's reaction to the evens of this chapter would just be redundant. Exploring James gives us a better grasp on the situation, and helps us to get to know his character a bit more.

Your James is wonderful, by the way! I think I've mentioned that before, but it's always worth repeating. I'm so picky about James and Lily and you really do an excellent job with them. I'm so excited to see them grow and develop and fall in love.

Wonderful chapter! I'm on to the next!

Author's Response: I love your excitement about patronuses! This was actually something that came around in edits/re-writes when I was trying to come up with school stuff and I couldn't resist.

Thanks for the comments on characterization. I'm also super picky on James and Lily and love yours as well... seeing somebody else appreciate the intricacies of their characters is always great. Thanks again! =)


 Report Review

Review #20, by SunshineDaisies Chapter 7 - Girl Talk

11th June 2015:
House Cup 2015- Hufflepuff

Hello! What a lovely excuse I have for finally catching up on this! I'm very pleased indeed :)

This chapter was wonderful! I absolutely love that we got to see a bit more of Lily's friends, Claire especially. I think you've got a pretty good pace set for introducing her friends more. I know I said I wanted more of it (and I still do!), but this chapter gave me a much better grasp on the group of them as a whole. It happened as they were talking about their friends, so it felt natural and I just loved it.

Claire is wonderful. I like the little details you gave to help develop her here. Her character is starting to solidify for me, just from knowing she likes to read and speak with her brother. It's really beautifully done. She's very likable as well! Definitely someone I see Lily being friends with, and someone I would like to hang out with as well! Especially if it means getting my hair braided. :) (And I firmly believe that hair braiding is a great conductor for conversation)

This whole scene was wonderful. Sitting around with your friends and braiding each other's hair is just such a normal thing to do, so the whole thing felt very natural. The dialogue was wonderful, it was natural sounding and unique to each character, which is something pretty difficult to achieve.

I really enjoyed the "we thought you knew" bit as well! It made me smile.

Overall a brilliant chapter! I'm heading on to more!

Author's Response: Hi Katie. Sorry it has taken me so long to get around to responding to all of your reviews. Seeing so many from you was so nice, since I know you are also a huge Lily/James shipper.

I'm glad you like this chapter! The general story arc has a tendency to get dark and dramatic, especially since I have future events planned, so I definitely felt like a fluffier, friendship-focused chapter was necessary.

"We thought you knew" was one of my favourite lines from this chapter too. Thanks again! =)


 Report Review

Review #21, by Claire Evergreen Chapter 4 - Gryffindor's Quidditch Team

4th June 2015:
Hey! Here for the BvB Battle :)

That bit at the beginning about the war was perfect. I love how you were able to slip it in there in a very natural way. It would make sense that since Hogwarts doesn't have any sort of counselor that the older prefects would comfort the students if need be. Lily is obviously the perfect choice for that, especially with the way that you've written her here. Her inner monologue about the whole thing was really realistic and true to what I'm sure the majority of the older students were thinking.

I love love love love love the dynamic you have between all of the characters. I think I've mentioned this before, but you do a fantastic job with the interactions between Lily and the Marauders. You can tell that she's most comfortable around Remus and Peter, but she's still not opposed to actually spending time with James and Sirius. Those little parts where she admits that James is actually a really good Quidditch player and mentioning that she'd never seen him nervous before was a nice hint at the relationship that we all know is coming. I've definitely mentioned this before, but I'll say it again, I'm really enjoying how you've made it so that there isn't such a drastic change between Lily disliking James and their relationship.

I'm a huge fan of Quidditch in any story, so I'm really glad that you've put it in, even if it's just a small mention. Having Lily be a fan is a nice touch and one that I haven't seen too often, at least not before she really starts to realize her feelings for James.

Yet another absolutely fantastic chapter, I really need to get back here more often. Can't wait to read more!

-Claire

Author's Response: Thank you so much Claire. ♥ I'm glad that you have made it to Chapter 4! It is nice to know that somebody is reading beyond the first couple chapters of this.

I'm glad you liked the war & Quidditch integration! You have done a brilliant job at both of them in your own story, so it means a lot to hear that from you. And your comments about my characters always make me smile, since you have picked up on everything I was trying to do.

Thanks again for being so encouraging and continuing to read this. =)


 Report Review

Review #22, by Carola Chapter 12 - A Sluggish Halloween Party

26th May 2015:
This fanfic ls amazing! I love how you include their classes and what they're learning, as JK Rowling did in the books. Also, I am intrigued to see Lily's reaction whem she discovers her patronus complements James'. Or even, if they prepare amortentia during Potions, hers smells like Potter's champoo. Lol, I really hope this hasn't been abandoned and you intend to update soon!

Author's Response: Hi Carola, thanks for taking the time to review. There will be some of the stuff you mentioned in the future. It has definitely not been abandoned & I am working on the next chapter now.

I hope you will continue to read it. =) Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #23, by cherry_pop94 Prologue

19th May 2015:
Hi Rhaenyra! Here for the BvB challenge!

This story has a really promising start! I'm glad that this sounds as if the romance between James and Lily will play an almost secondary role to the unfolding war. That's a nice change in pace from most Jily fics.

I really like how you introduced this as well. It reminds me of the opening of the Half-Blood Prince and the meeting in Malfoy Manor, though it's quite interesting to see known Death Eaters, such as Bellatrix, in their inexperienced youth.

I'm especially quite excited to see how Julius Avery carries out the Dark Lord's plan! Voldemort's train of thought about the young Death Eaters reminds me so much of the logic behind child soldiers. It gave me shivers! It's truly despicable of him to use young people as basically human shields! Though, I suppose a lot of the fighters in both wizarding wars from both sides were around that age. But all the young people fighting in both those wars has always made me so sad.

Anyway, I'm very excited to read what comes next! Great story and thanks for sharing!!

-Stefi

Author's Response: Hi Stefi!

At least for the time being, James and Lily's relationship is still progressing to proper romance. Even when I do hit 7th year though, I want to make sure the war has a prominent part to play in how things unfold for them.

I'm glad you see parallels between using youthful soldiers here as in the real world. That was sort of my inspiration and Voldemort is just so despicable that it seemed fitting or him. And I'm glad you like Avery (well, not like but you know what I mean) because he appears on a semi-regular basis throughout the story.

Thanks for reading and reviewing. =)


 Report Review

Review #24, by SunshineDaisies Chapter 6 - 99... Red Balloons?

15th May 2015:
THE PATRONUS CHARM!

MY FAVORITE JILY TROPE OF ALL TIME YES IíM SO EXCITED!!!

Okay really though, Iím so excited about that scene! Itís obviously been done quite a lot in fic (THEY MATCH AND ITíS SO CUTE HOW COULD ANYONE RESISIT?), but it is rarely done this well! Usually itís just like ďGasp! I have a doe! You have a stag! Gasp!Ē ďLooks like weíre soulmates, Evans.Ē
Which is dumb and boring. Itís much more realistic to have them start working on it in class, and have them struggle with it. Especially Lily. I lovelovelove the reflection she has about memories. Itís so true, even the happiest memories can become tainted by other bad feelings.

I think one of the reasons I love patronus charms in fic is because of all the discussion of memory it allows. Memories are such an interesting, intimate topic, and I think that holds even more true in the world of Harry Potter. Like, you can go into peopleís memories. YOU CAN SHARE YOUR MEMORIES. HOW COOL IS THAT?

Okay, sorry. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to more patronusing in the future.

(Iím a bit concerned about the Slytherins trying to cast the charm in class though, I donít think it would go over well for the professor if one of her students was devoured by maggots in the middle of a lesson.)

AND THE PRANK.

This chapter was filled with so much stuff that I love I was grinning the entire time I swear.

The prank was brilliant! Clever and funny and mostly harmless, just the way I like them. I loved James stepping up to stop Lily from being attacked by floating spheres. Did not so much like Sirius pointing out why he did it. James could just as easily have done it because heís a genuinely nice person and thinks of Lily as a friend. Geez Sirius, calm down. BE NICE TO JAMES. And stop being rude to Lily.

Okay so obviously I really enjoyed this chapter. I would like to see a bit more of Lilyís friends now! Itís just getting to the point where I know Iím supposed to care about these characters, but Iím not really invested yet. Definitely hoping to see more soon! :)

Author's Response: Ah, I'm glad you like the Patronuses. Since Lupin tells Harry that grown wizards can struggle with it I really wanted to avoid making it look too easy. That and shoving the doe and stag thing in early can be a bit cheesy (cute, but it can go wrong so fast, like you said).

Your comment about the Slytherins made me laugh. When coming up with this I was trying to resist the urge to give them all gross, creepy animals which can be hard when you know how despicable a lot of them are.

And yes to the prank. I wanted him to seem more mature, which meant things had to go the mostly harmless route rather than the attacking Slytherins route.

I *think* the next chapter has more of Lily's friends. (Does it ever happen to you that you forget when things happen? haha) I am definitely seeing the downside of the large cast I ended up creating!

Thanks for the lovely long review. =)


 Report Review

Review #25, by TearsIMustConceal Chapter 2 - The First Week

14th May 2015:
Hey Rhaenyra, here for the BvB review battle!

Iím so glad Iíve gotten a chance to read another chapter of this story because I love it so much!

I loved Professor Kettleburn and how he thinks that retrieving poison is a normal class activity that no one should worry about. And him having a reserve of antidote just in case! He seems a lot more subdued than Hagrid but at the same time, probably more risky with his creatures, as your scene proves! And I loved Lilyís thoughts in this scene.

Lily and Remusí friendship is always one of the things I look forward to most in Marauder fics Ė their friendship is always so easy and theyíre well matched as friends. And your Remus is lovely Ė heís just the right mix of boyish and sensible, which is how I always imagined him to be. I feel like heís the one who keeps James and Sirius grounded a bit.

The scene where Lily is trying to figure out where to sit is so sad. It must be hard for her to see him all the time but I feel as though she dealt with it in a mature way Ė why should she move to avoid him? She had the right attitude and it just cemented my love for your Lily! And James trying to come to her rescue Ė so sweet! And the fact he said please Ė I like that it caught her off guard a little! James is such a cutie!

Honestly, I loved this chapter and I canít wait to read some more!

-Vicki

Author's Response: Hi Vicki, thanks for stopping by.

Kettleburn's missing limbs made me think that he had to be a bit reckless himself, so I flipped through Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them to come up with a somewhat dangerous class for him to be teaching.

I really think Remus could be great at bridging the gap between Lily & James, so I'm glad you like their relationship. And poor Lily indeed, still trying to process everything. But at least James is starting to come around to the mature side too.

Thanks for the sweet review. =)


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>